How do I handle kids that don't want to go to BF's house no matter what I say...and feeling bad for it
So things haven't been going well at my ex's house I don't believe. The kids had to spent a week and a half there over Christmas break (we split breaks) and they weren't too happy about having to go back there this weekend since they had just been there. However, breaks and holidays super cede the regular CO so it was ex's weekend...but then ex decided he would like to swap weekends if possible, so we did and the kids stayed with me and DH and they were quite happy about it. However....
Next weekend they are supposed to go to their dad's as we swapped. BDs are not happy about this and want to know why they can't just stay with us and why dad will get two weekends in a row (because of the swap). My BS8 last night at bed asked why he has to go to dad's and could I just ask dad if he could stay with us. I told him that Dad and I swapped weekends because Dad had something going on and that I would love it if he could stay but he has to spend time with his dad also. If you really want to stay, you can ask Dad and see if he will let you but your dad is the one who has to agree to it. He started to cry and said he wants to stay here but he doesn't want to ask his dad because he thinks his dad will get sad and think he doesn't want to spend time with him. I don't know what is going on. I know the ex has been trying to PAS myself and my DH, however our daughters are 15 and 12 and aren't falling for it. I think he tries to work harder on my BS8, but even my son is starting to not want to go there. He has not ever really fought going to his dad's. My daughters have wanted to stop for over a year, but I keep sending them.
It seems odd that now my young son is feeling this way too. I know there are issues with exH's live in girlfriend and her kids. My kids (especially my daughters) can't stand the GF nor the kids. The gf is not at all involved with my kids. Half the time she doesn't acknowledge their existence. My oldest daughter will be responsible for putting my son to bed if her father isn't home even if the GF is there. She also will be responsible for cooking and feeding her brother and sister even if the GF is there. The GF will not pick up or drop off the kids at their activities when they are there for the weekend. My youngest daughter most recently had to walk a half mile to the ice rink carrying her hockey bag and stick in freezing, blustery winter weather because the gf wouldn't drive her there and her dad was "at work" on a Saturday afternoon.
I don't know if there is additional tension and stress going on at the ex's home, if that combined with the fact that BS was very upset initially thinking that the weekends were messed up and he would no longer get to see his stepbrothers on the weekends because they didn't match this weekend...I'm just not sure..and I don't know how or what to say to make it better for the kids.
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If exH isn't going to be home
If exH isn't going to be home then perhaps the kids shouldn't go there? It's not the GFs responsibility to take the kids to activities.. it's your exH's. I wouldn't let the kids go there if he's not going to be there.
Yup. Cooking for them,
Yup. Cooking for them, putting your son to bed, shuttling to activities are all HIS responsibilities, not hers. Your ex needs to man up, and maybe the kids wouldn't mind going there.
Things at my house are going
Things at my house are going great actually . Packing and such for the new house. OSS has been so great the last couple months...I thoroughly enjoy spending time with him! YSS is getting it thick from BM now that she realizes she does not have that pull with OSS but it's not terrible yet.
We have LOTS AND LOTS OF SNOW!! And FREEZING!! LOL
#1, if he's going to be
#1, if he's going to be working all weekend then the kids don't need to be there fending for themselves. The visitation time is for dad and kids to spend time together, not for the oldest to get a fast lesson in parenting.
#2, if it were me, and it was what I did was talked to the ex. I told him hey, your kids don't want to come to your house any more. If you still want them to come visit and enjoy their time with you then you need to fix what's wrong.
It may be the gf, it may be he works all the time, it may be that when he gets home he shows equal amounts of attention to the gf as he does your kids.
My skids, detest it when DH shows me any type of affection, he just has to explain to his kids that loving SM doesn't mean he loves them less. But when my DH works, his kids don't come to our house. I'm not a baby sitter, and I'm not their mother.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your kids are just skids with a tude, the only way to get to the bottom of it is sitting the kids down and asking what is going on, but don't lead any answers.
Also, if my ex is working, my kids stay home with me.
I agree with what everyone
I agree with what everyone here says. I constantly continue to push and try to make going to dad's sound like a great idea. I really do. I actually support the gf...to a point. My daughters know they are to b respectful, but it's so much that one will walk in the house, gf will look at her, daughter will say "hello" and she won't even mutter a sound.
I also agree that it's not necessarily the gf's responsibility...HOWEVER, exH won't let the kids stay with me while he is working. And in court he went on and on about his "support system" and that his gf will help if he has to work and he should get to see his kids, etc etc. I think if he's not there, they should get to be home with me, IF they want to. But not sure how to make that happen. He refuses to let them come because it's "HIS weekend!" even if he is gone for half of it. Therefore, if that's how you are going to be, either the gf needs to step up or you need to not work when your kids are there...I don't care which.
As far as feeding my son's anxiety, maybe I came across wrong. I was trying to tell him that if he would like to stay he needed to ask his dad because it was dad's time. Just like he asks me if he can go to dad's during my time for some reason or another. I tell my kids they always have to check with their dad about any arrangements if it happens on his weekend because it is his choice as to allow them to do whatever it is or not.
I wish I could come up with a way to discuss this with my ex without him getting territorial and defensive. And without making it look like I'm bitching about the gf. It ISN'T her responsibility...unless she wants it, but he has repeatedly represented in court while trying to get 50/50 custody that SHE is there to help and it's not up to our daughter to be the parent.
Thanks for all the input!
Maybe the GF is in the same
Maybe the GF is in the same position SweetPea was... where H went to court and promised that SHE would LUUUURRRRVE to look after his kids while he was out of town... and nobody ever asked her.
If you can talk to Ex and GF (like, have them both nearby while you talk), say - look, Ex, you told the court GF wanted to look after our kids, but our kids are saying that doesn't seem to be the case. She has no obligation to our kids, so I'm letting you both know now... if you're not home and you've left her in charge, she has my permission to contact me to come get the kids since she's not their parent.
Read every last paragraph of
Read every last paragraph of your CO. There is usually a clause in their that states if on the designated weekend the NCP has to work, while at work the CP has first dibs on watching the kids while he's working. It's in mine, and if he isn't asking you first he's in contempt of court. If it really important, like in my case it is;( my kids are not allowed to be left alone with ex's new wife) you can always go back and ask for a modified customdy aggreement. I don't think you need a lawyer for that, I think if you file the papers yourself and go before a judge and explain it then anyone would see that's a resonable request, especially since a 15 year old is allowed to be sworn in under oath. One more thing, I'm all for the exes getting along and being "Friedish" for the sake of the kids, but at this point don't worry about coming off as a bitch to him or his gf. To the gf you will always be that BM bitch who likes to cause drams, we as BM's just have to accept that as our role of first wife. I'm fine with it, you should be to where your kids are concerned. Don't come at him like an attack, but tell him you've got some concerns and since HIS children feel this strongly he should be concerned with fixing their relationship himself.
Good luck!!
Yeah... I mean, I get that
Yeah... I mean, I get that maybe your Ex has to work while he's got the kids, but not making sure he's got someone to feed them and get them to bed (at least the 8 yo to bed) is not very responsible. On your end, you can expect GF to pitch in if it were an emergency, but so far she's just acting disengaged.
The kids' RELATIONSHIP with their dad/GF is up to them. So I agree with other posters that you can slide into interfering there if you're not careful... you've got a tricky situation on your hands.
But I think you can talk to Ex to find out what arrangements he's made to care for the kids when he's not there... because it's sure not your daughter's job. If he needs to hire a babysitter for the 8 yo, then he can do that... but he can't just 'expect' his oldest to do it. Or if he can... then you can teach her the tools to deal with that.
Just beware... don't put this on the GF. At least not now.
During the week doesn't work
During the week doesn't work either because he also works evenings during the week. The kids have sports and commitments and he can never get them there. Even on break when he had them for a week and a half, my husband or I had to go and pick up kids and bring them to the sporting events etc because ex couldn't or didn't have the gas money or wasn't feeling well or tired. He seriously only wants them to make it look like he is being a stand up dad. He was never really involved with our kids while we were married...and unfortunately not much has changed.
I see what you're saying. I
I see what you're saying. I guess I didn't look at it as giving him sympathy, but I can see how he may see it that way. My ex or the kids (specifically my son) will ask for time to hang out or do something or sleep at dad's house on my time (weekends and such) or go somewhere together (although that has not been happening for a while now that I think about it) and I usually say "sure!" unless I have something specifically planned or going on that spending extra time with dad interferes with.
My kids know they are expected to behave and be respectful. I have had that conversation with the repeatedly. I don't think my oldest daughter gives the GF any grief...she is really a very good kid. My DH and I always say how she is the easiest...very little teenage attitude for 15. Now my youngest daughter who is 12...I know she has given the GF grief. As I have been told about it, and have had hard discussions with my daughter regarding how she is to behave and that although she doesn't have to love or even like the GF she does have to treat her with respect because she is an adult, and treat her how I would expect my daughter to treat ANY adult. And I have spoken to the GF about it and relayed that I have discussed the attitude with my daughter and what I expect from my daughter.
This is a new thing with my son. He hasn't been this way until in the last month or so. He says things like "GF's friend was over again. I don't like him. He's only over when my dad isn't there" or "GF just sits in the office and sings and plays her guitar and waits for friend to come over" or "Dad just stayed in his room the whole time but GF wouldn't let me come in" (which I agree with no kids in the bedroom, but dad should maybe come out) or "I didn't get to see dad all weekend, just GF was home or Sister took care of me"