thanks for the support
Thanks to everyone who responded to my posts yesterday. I'm at the point I always get to with SO. Sick of living in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. Someone recommended that book "Emotional Blackmail" and I'm very familiar with the concept after knowing this man for almost 7 years.
I've been trying to allow him to change, and he has changed a lot of things. He doesn't flip out and start yelling like he used to. He makes more time for us without skid around. He has listened to what I need and he tries to give it to me, which unfortunately puts more stress on him because he has to balance two separate lives basically.
But ultimately, he has a VERY long pattern of controlling and manipulative behavior. I mean, since day one of us dating. I used to wonder if he even knew he was doing it or not. I swear to god he has borderline personality disorder, and him screaming about me "abandoning him" the other night when I got up and left the room because he was being a childish ass - well, deep seated fears of abandonment are a hallmark of BPD.
He has his good points but ultimately, every time I turn around there is a problem he wants to discuss ad nauseum. He is VERY insecure and pessimistic. Being being a Florence Nightengale type, I thought in the beginning I could help. Gave him everything he wanted and more. He just kept on taking - give them an inch and they take a mile kind of thing.
I noticed a big thing in our conversation yesterday. I brought up to HIM that I wasn't happy and wanted to talk about it. Ultimately the whole conversation got turned around into why he isn't happy because of me doing xyz or not doing abc. He did say he'd been doing all the things I had asked for since we got back together, which is true. But he can't change is personality. Yes, he has improved a lot of things in how he responds and handles things. But ultimately his personality is the same. He doesn't yell and scream, but we still spend HOURS and HOURS every single week with him obsessing about stuff and talking about the relationship. It's like we don't have a relationship because of our limited time together - we just talk about one.
The crazy thing is that I have felt like the "abusive" one. Not because he tells me I am. But because I am cold to him, negative and "bleh" when I am around him, withholding, he has to beg me for me to say anything nice or positive about him. He said all he wants is to be and feel loved. Yes, I feel bad about that. And yes technically that could be considered "abusive", I've read a lot about emotional abuse and that can be the case.
But not once has he put together that my lack of affection, non-existent sex drive, lack of ability to want to say anything nice to him has to do with the fact that my love has dried up. I don't WANT to act that way to someone. He mentioned how I used to be and it made me cry because I miss that girl. Carefree, vibrant, affectionate, fun. I WANT to be like that again.
It's like he acts like I can just make a choice to be happy and push through it and act loving toward him. And while I agree that happiness is a choice, I am not the type who can fake love and affection. I just can't.
So our entire conversation went from me trying to tell him I wasn't happy, to it all being about how I could be doing things differently to make HIM feel better and then everything would be okay.
It's all about him. Always has been.
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Your situation keeps
Your situation keeps reminding me of one of my old boyfriends. I mean to the "T". He was a psychologist and ALL he ever wanted to do was talk about our relationship and what was wrong with ME. I noticed him slowly moving things into my apartment. He knew my independence and privacy was the most important thing to me, but it became obvious he really didn't care. He would feign ignorance and then turn around and blame me for not wanting to get close to him. By the time he moved a freaking cat in, I had had enough. Told him to get out. He launched into a lecture about MY insecurities, MY selfishness, MY frigidity, MY inability to love anyone. You know what I told him? That this was MY life and I didn't have to explain to him or anyone else why I didn't want him in it.
In the end, I realize he needed me more than I did him and he used manipulations to confuse me. Don't let anyone bully you into thinking you need them more than you do. Because you don't need anyone who screws with your head.
Yes, he taught me a lot about
Yes, he taught me a lot about myself, but it sure wasn't what he thought he was teaching.
Are you planning on trying to
Are you planning on trying to stay with him or thinking about leaving?
So when he said "All I want
So when he said "All I want is to be and feel loved." Did you respond with "And so do I."
Because this is what it boils down to. You both want the same thing from the wrong person. I am sure there is a woman out there who can give him all he wants. Right now she is probably corresponding with some dude on death row but once he gets 'dispatched' she will latch onto him.
And you can regroup yourself and concentrate on finding who you are and your li9nes in the sand.
My goodness woman... your
My goodness woman... your dude sounds like one of my exes, and good grief, it's exhausting crazy-making behavior. Sometimes, the relationship exists for the purpose of teaching you how to stand up for YOU...how to love and be good to yourself. Not every relationship is supposed to end in happily ever after together.
Leaving my ex was the best thing I've done. Yes, everything looked good on the surface... but how long can you go on looking at a man with PITY, rather than admiration?
Most of the relationship was me thinking:
Am I crazy? Please stop turning around everything I say, begging me not to leave you "like everyone else", telling me that things will get better if I could stop being so COLD, flipping out over little shit, telling me to open my heart and be as "romantic" as you, how we'll get the magic back, how much you "can't live without me"...blah blah blah!!
And the rational part of me wanted to make absolutely sure that I was doing the right thing. So I stayed with a person, who wasn't a bad person, but OUR DYNAMIC just wasn't right. He's fine with other women...he's more confident than he was with me. While he was trying to figure out how to get me in the mood, my body was screaming, "No, I don't want to have sex with you because I'm not a lesbian and I don't want to have sex with a p*ssy!"
But I stayed too long... because it wasn't THAT bad... and because of FOG.
And when I left, I went straight to therapy. Because everyone who didn't understand what I was going through kept telling me that I was stupid to leave. Uh-huh. No I wasn't. They were wrong. Even with all of the step-shit, this relationship (and others prior to this) were more satisfying than being a rock for an emotional mess of a man.
If you are miserable with a man to the point of not wanting to be intimate with him, you're not in a relationship that is for "other love"... this is a self-love relationship, in which you learn how to love YOU. You can stay as long as you want to, and try as much as you want to "love him like he needs to be loved", but I can almost promise that he has a bottomless well of expectations. When you leave this situation (whenever that is), you'll get your groove back. lol You will find a man and have an authentic connection with another. You'll be overflowing with love to give to a REAL man, as it will be earned when you put yourself first and leave this guy. When you look back on this relationship, you won't have bitterness, instead, you'll look to him with gratitude for helping you gain the courage to stand up for YOU. Seriously, after reading your posts for the last 24hours, I can *almost* guarantee you will thank your lucky stars when you're finally done. Act now, analyze later.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your comments!
I am taking time for focusing on myself and my own happiness. I have always allowed others to make me doubt myself and think i am crazy - going back to childhood. My mother has a lot of characteristics of BPD and she did the same thing. Made me feel like the crazy one.
I've had a lot of success in my career, I am still young and attractive. But my self esteem sucks deep down. If I dont focus on and fix this issue I will continue to think all this crap with SO - or anyone - is normal and ok.