This reminds me of my current situation with DH. Although it doesn't involve BM, but a female employee of his that he has to travel with. He avoids mentioning that she is going with him on out of town (sometimes out of state) trips, because he knows I can't stand her, and that she has crossed boundaries that I am not ok with- i.e.- texting my husband after work hours regarding non work related topics. Attempting to engage him in conversation. She has a crush on him. She is young, and stupid. When this happened ONE TOO MANY TIMES, I told DH... I can't be mad at him, he doesn't initiate the conversations, and he always has short non-personal responses, but I do 100% expect him to put a stop to it. He had a meeting with her (with an additional female manager present) and told her that she was not to text him unless it is work related that is it inappropriate for her to do so, it is difficult enough on his family that he travels so much, and now he has to travel with females, and while "my wife hasn't had an issue it" (even though I DID have an issue with it) it was his job to put a stop to it before she was under the impression that they are anything more than boss and employee. NOT FRIENDS.

No, he can't control WHO texts him, or in your case, who stops by to see him. BUT it is completely within his power to tell her that it inappropriate and needs to stop. He can do so without the child present. That is not an unreasonable request.

IMO, it's perfectly okay & possibly necessary for your DH to (politely) express the importance of boundaries with his child present. No need to be crappy about it, but he can simply say "It's inappropriate for you to drop in at my workplace. I have things I need to get done." Then he can tell his daughter he loves her & give her a hug & send her & BM on their way.

If it needs to be addressed more aggressively than that, he can have a conversation with BM to let her know that he will not see her if she comes to his place of work again, & then he needs to follow through.

It's okay for children to understand that there are boundaries. They SHOULD know that so that they can practice them as well.

It is your DH's responsibility, as your husband, to protect your marriage. If he willing to hurt you to protect BM, there is someone out there more deserving of your love & attention.

It was BM who came to visit, but your DH didn't nip it & the fact that he didn't tell you about it indicates that he knows he should have handled it differently.

After your first argument about this with him, he promised he would put a stop to it & he didn't. He didn't keep his promise to you & to keep from having to deal with you, he kept it secret.

Maybe he doesn't like confrontation. I don't either, but I sure as shit am NOT willing to sacrifice the trust of my DH to avoid it.

Like ExhaustedSM, I think you need to assess your marriage & your feelings & decide whether to stay or go. I hope that as you think about all of this, you'll consider your worth, what you have brought to your marriage, & what you want from a spouse.

You deserve to be loved, cherished & respected. I hope you'll keep that in the front of your mind as you make your decision.

I guess I am lucky. My DH would tell me immediately even if he knew it was going to piss me off.

DH did this to me once and only once when we were still dating. He knew how much I hated BM2 and how much I hated them having any contact at all, much less unnecessary contact that did NOT involve SS15. So anyway, I had a treadmill that was starting to act like it was on the fritz and ended up getting a new one. DH moved the old one out to the garage and I didn't think anything about it for quite a while because I didn't really go in the garage much.

So one day a couple of months later, for some reason the old treadmill came to mind and I didn't recall seeing it out in the garage the last time I was out there, so I asked DH what he ended up doing with it. His response : "Oh, I thought I told you?? I gave it to BM2." WTF? I about kicked him in the nuts. No you didn't fucking THINK you told me, you purposely DIDN'T tell me because you KNEW I'd be pissed! I asked him how the fuck did this came about anyway??? He said that she had told him a while back that she was looking for a treadmill, so when I got the new one, he asked her if she wanted the old one, he said one day when SS was over, he helped him load it on the truck and he delivered it to BM when he took SS home. Of course on a day that I was conveniently NOT there! He said it saved him from taking it to the dump and paying the fee and he thought it was kind of funny because the thing was on the fritz anyway. Whatever. I didn't just fall off the damn turnip truck, he snuck around and did this and THEN had the nerve to "forget" to tell me.

I told him if I EVER found out that he conveniently "forgot" to tell me something like that again, I would kick him in the nuts and leave him. I think he got the point.

I had a similar issue with BM calling SO at work which inspired my first blog on ST. Funny how I was questioning how to respond about BM calling my man at work in April. And now, I am enjoying the fact that after a few fights and ending the relationship for a few days, SO realized how stupid it was to allow her to call him and he got it put into the court order that communication is email only. It only took 9 months.

I stayed calm for as long as I could, then I flipped. He lied by omission at first. I flipped about that, too. Because the truth is... that this woman is doing that to show her place in your man's life. And she's being sneaky about it by not coming to your home and going to his job instead. She is messing with YOU. She's causing problems and trying to get attention, showing that she's relevant, and putting herself on your level in the present since she had his child in the past.

Do not let her do this. Do not allow your man to let another woman in like this. Stand your ground. The EX needs to be knocked down and put into her place!

And it needs to be done by your man - with your help, of course. Because men don't get it! They have no idea how women manipulate them. If they did, none of us would be here.

He needs to write her an email, that YOU approve, to make her stop showing up at his job... and I know some people will say that's controlling, however, she is not fucking with HIM, she's fucking with YOU, and your man needs to protect YOU and YOUR relationship from the drama that HE brought into your life. Since you can't tell the bitch not to VISIT your man at his job, he needs to do it. Sorry, but I cannot feel safe in a relationship if my man can't protect me from his ex and won't put up and GUARD boundaries to protect us.

These BM's do this shit in public, with kids around, but please know they are messing with you and your man. Let your man have his anger about your reaction. Let him stew. Then as logically as you can, explain to him how manipulative Baby Mamas act, why they act that way, and how to protect his wife/relationship from his ex, or else he can go through this life by himself. Do not compromise! Trust me...the anger and fights are worth it...he should not allow another woman to insert herself into your circle! And he absolutely CAN stop his ex from visiting his job. He's a pussy if he can't.

I don't understand the poster who thinks it's ok to lie or not tell you something because that's easier than having to deal with the other person's feelings about it. I can tell you that at work, if I just don't tell my boss about a missed deadline or problem with a project, she's not going to say, "Oh, that's ok, you just didn't want to deal with my negative reaction. By not meeting your commitments, we've lost a huge client and damaged the reputation we've been building for years. No problem! In the past, you've met some deadlines and failing to report an issue has not called your past performance into question at all. In fact, I'm sorry that you may have feared my criticism or concerns and I take full responsibility. No one could possibly expect you to do so. Here's a raise! "