DH now mad at me for returning kids iTunes purchases and canceling sweatshirt SS17 bought without our permission.
See previous blog. Well that was predictable. DH said he wanted to handle things his way. And didn't like I had taken unilateral action. I told him when it affects me (my money) I have every right to take unilateral action. And that if he re bought that sweatshirt I would not be happy.
Meanwhile it was SD16 bday today. Guess what? I bought her a really nice pair of jeans. Yeah, I'm such a grinch.
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Wow, read your other blog,
Wow, read your other blog, too, and totally endorse what tog says above. I would tell your DH loud and clear where his money is going and I would use visual aids and I would tell him he is apparently unclear in his own head about it. Tell him you can withdraw all your funds from the household and pay strictly for your own self till he gets clarity on where the money is coming from and where it is going to.
This guy is not only wanting you to take the blame for himself, not only for the skids, but for freakin' BM, too! Get very very very clear with this guy. It's not your job to be BM's scapegoat, nor his. If skids are missing disposable income they can ask mom for a cut of the $800 and they can also get jobs.
DH has been totally
DH has been totally ineffectual in dealing with this behavior in the past (I.e. iTunes). If its a normal discipline issue and doesnt involve me i dont get involved. Ive been disengaged since day 1 and its been great. But this affects me. It's my money and between the sweatshirt and iTunes nearly $100. And when DH last confronted SS17 about iTunes SS17 just laughed it off. He's actually not a bad kid at all, but nobody ever holds him accountable. Oh well. Frankly I don't plan on disciplining him further, that's up to DH. I just want my money back!
What I found really striking
What I found really striking here is the easy breezy entitlement of your 17-year-old SS. My kids (15 and almost 18) are the same way. I really am turning into a bitter old woman when i think ( every other day) that i cannot stand their generation. My skids are worse than my kids, but it really is a cultural phenomenon... affecting the middle class, suburban youth like a blight. I remember being 17 and a COD: i was afraid to ask my (single) mother for anything extra because i did not want to create stress for her ( and we were not poor, she worked as a college professor). My kids are blissfully free from those considerations: they see their needs as paramount. "I need" or "I want" is like the sun: hot, bright and immediate!
Could you and your DH first work on presenting a united front and then sit all the kids down and compile the budget as it is - and make a plan to scrimp and save for the next 1.5 years? Give prizes for the best savings idea! It is great that you have an expiration date on the austerity package, but also, can't the kids be convinced to consider public schools - esp. bc they are so good in your area? For me the annual 50K private school package would be a deal breaker if i had to spend my savings on maintaining the lifestyle. I would be very resentful. Your Dh does not know how good he has it
Pilgrim, thanks for your
Pilgrim, thanks for your comments. I think it IS a generational thing because I see my daughter act the same way (she doesn't steal, but is very entitled). The interesting thing is I also think it is gender thing. They treat Dad (my DH) very different than their mom. I don't think they'd ever do this to her, because she is seen as poor and suffering, and constantly tells the kids how broke she is and how much she sacrifices for them (she makes six figures). DH they see as an ATM. I think they feel that the amount he spends on them is proportional to how much he loves them.
We have tried, begged, and pleaded for the kids to consider public school and gotten nowhere. Look here's the problem: I have a little money. Not a ton, but enough to do things like take DH and I on a minitrip to Jamaica in January (our first together in the two years we've been married) and do some much-needed house renovations. They see us (really me) spend this money and think we are lying to them about not being able to afford private school. But really, DH can't. And it isn't my job. So there's resentment all around.
I'm just crossing my fingers that BM really does go broke. She's way behind on her tuition bills. If she can't pay even her measly share eventually the schools won't let the kids re-enroll. Sounds terrible, but we'd all be better off.
Sounds very familiar! My
Sounds very familiar! My skids are older and fewer in number (3, 19-25 yo, they have been gone from our lives for 2 years) but the dynamics are the same. However, they did not come about by accident: BM had the kids in her orbit, on a very short leash, from the very beginning, only her family mattered, his did not, she had an un-holy alliance with the skids against DH and his family. It was really sick, not just where money is concerned, but absolutely everywhere. They caught her abusive, manipulative behaviors early on, and treated DH accordinly. She is just a poor hard-working woman - really? Having done several rounds in family court we found out her business brings in upwards of a million bucks a year. She is the sole proprietor. She just cannot turn a profit - give me a break!
I hope your BM goes broke - and i also hope ours finds herself under a falling tree during the next Nor-easter.
Enjoy Jamaica! You deserve it!