Lying..Is it a phase.
A little background, my BF and I have been together for 5 years. He has a 10yr old daughter and 8yr old son. I have no children.
This past year his daughter has been lying about everything. Big..Small doesn't matter, but SS is truthful to a fault. He is always telling on himself. LOL
Just this past Friday, SS had a bad day in school. On the way to pick him up, BF and I were talking about how he probably went to bed really late. Their BM doesn’t have a set bed time for them. They do what they want. I said, I'll bet you that SD tells us they went to bed at 8. It's always 8, even when she is texting BF and 9:30. She tell us she went to bed at 8 all week.
So we ask SS what time he went to bed. He said 10:30 or 10:51 ??? Ask SD, she said 8. I just started laughing and laughing. We told her we had a bet on it. So she changes it to 8:30. I know part of the lying is because she doesn't want to get BM in "trouble". Meaning BF sends texts telling her to straighten up her act. But is this a normal part of dealing with 10yr olds. I don't remember being a big liar, but I got my butt spanked when I did. She doesn't get anything but scolded.
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^^^^this... Read my blogs
^^^^this...
Read my blogs about SD16. The lying doesn't stop, they just get better at it. Why would they stop lying? It works, it's a manipulation tool to get what they want. SD16 was taught to lie by the reigning Queen and Princess of all Liars... GBM and BM. I have so many lies they have all been busted in, I could write a damn encyclopedia and then some.... and those are just the ones they have been caught in. If their lips are moving? They are lying.
Unless there are real and harsh consequences for lying, trust me it will only get worse.
Yep, it is not a phase. Ass1,
Yep, it is not a phase. Ass1, now 24, was lying from around 10 or 12. Never punished. It seemed to be ' excused ' for various reasons, COD, EW visits or being just a phase, to name but a few.....
Fast forward five years from there, from 15/ 16 much bigger lies, I mean crazy ones.... Fastforward another 3 years from there, whole fantasy lives on line, lies to EVERYONE and almost gets DH in serious trouble, as well as family members. Fast forward to a couple of years ago skid is still doing it, but hey, apparently I'm the only one who "sees" it????
Do I believe it continues ? Yes. Do I care ? No. But I will never trust that skid again or have her living in my house.....we came close to losing everything because of the lies..... Be warned.
A phase that very easily
A phase that very easily turns into a habit. Especially if it works and there are no consequences.
Definitely not a phase. At
Definitely not a phase. At 10 years old, this needs to be addressed immediately. Lying only happens if it is learned. Children need to know that lying has consequences or they will continue to do it. I used this approach with my son when he was little. If he did something wrong, there would be punishment. If he also lied about the wrong, there would be two punishments. If lying is the wrong, the punishment was very severe. Scolding is not going to work at 10 years old. There needs to be more severe punishments.
my skids have learned to lie
my skids have learned to lie from their BM and now since we have sole custody we are trying so hard to break them of it. They now get into trouble and called out on every lie they tell no matter how little or big. I pray we can change what they have been taught by their lying cheating bi polar personality disordered BM aka bat shit crazy mom
Thank you everyone for
Thank you everyone for replying. I have tried to talk to her about the consequences..No one likes a liar, you want people to trust you whole thing. It hasn't worked. She is 4 weeks behind on her science project because I refused to "Help" her with it this year and she is lying about turning in assignments for it. I can see her grades online.
I just can't stand a liar. I can't really do much because she isn't my kid and her dad makes excuses for her. I have told her she can't help me cook dinner and any fun things like that until she starts acting like a young lady but that hasn't worked.
I'm more worried about when she becomes a teen and young adult. I love her and I know that this will ruin our relationship as she gets older and the lies become about more serious issues.
What Echo said.
What Echo said. Scolding/talking doesn't cut it. Time for something real.
With BF and BM there will be
With BF and BM there will be no rock hard consequences. Just got an email from SS teacher 10 minutes ago saying his whinying and throwing himself on the floor because he didn't get his way and he needs to stop bringing Pokeman cards to school..I sent it to BF and all he says is "It's my fault he took the Pokeman cards to school" That's not the biggest issue here. SD8 is 110lbs. He doesn't need to be throwing himself on the ground. I feel sorry for his teacher.
I do feel bad that she is
I do feel bad that she is lying for her mom...For instance last year I picked SD and SS up from school. I had dropped SS off that morning because we had him for a Dr. appt the day before and just kept him that night. When I walked in the office, SD is sitting at the bad kids desk in the office. I was shocked, she is never in trouble at school. Her teacher walks up to me and says she just got to school and had to hurry to class so that me and BF wouldn't know that her mom just got her there.
This puts SD in a bad spot, while BM is off partying having fun. I asked her why she was not at school and she said she had no clean clothes. As we are walking out of the school she is trying to text. She's not slick. I take the phone and she's texting her mom saying tell dad I pooped my pants that's why I....(I grabbed the phone here). So I tell BF and he texts BM. She gives another story. I made SD stand in the corner when we got home. I told her that she was standing there because she was lying and her mom told a different story. Adults don't lie right. She started crying and said her mom made her lie and they overslept and mom didn't feel like getting up and taking her to school. She missed an entire week of school last year because BM was too "tired" to get out of bed. She works nights at a bar. I'm sure she was drinking and working.
Most of the lying is about what is coming out of BM's house but it's starting to be lying about everything. It's like she can't stop. Even when we catch her red handed.
Ok, this is a bit off topic,
Ok, this is a bit off topic, but does the 10 year old actually poop her pants??? I'm assuming she does, if she thought this was a "believable" lie to tell???
Yes, she does still poop and
Yes, she does still poop and pee her pants. We found a pile (maybe 15-20) pairs of soiled underwear in her room just two weeks ago. We kept smelling pee on her and the room but she keep saying it wasn't her. My dogs (meaning me) got blamed. But I kept saying it didn't smell like dogs and I could never find any messes. Well now we know she was lying about that too. I wish she would stop that too. She wants to hug on me but she smells like pee a lot. It's gross.
SD did this on the regular
SD did this on the regular before and when I moved in. She would even take a pile of clothes or a blanket, put it on her bedroom floor and urinate on it. SD now only does it when she has severe issues with BM. Her counselor said it is a sign of emotional or mental trauma.
Here's what I have been told
Here's what I have been told by my sons child therapist. Most of the time the lie confuses the issue. If the issue is homework wasn't turned in, does it matter what they say?? Nope, do it turn it in. Do not give them the chance to lie. More and more parents "talk" to the kids, give them a voice, and it doesn't help. Does anything she say change the fact that homework is not turned in???
Don't ask a lier if their room is clean.. Check it.
Don't ask a lier if their homework is done.. Check it.
Don't ask a lier if they brushed their teeth.. Watch them do it.
Now if you (or parent) do ask a question, don't forget the issue with the lie. Lies make me mad. I would forget the issue was really about homework and focus on the lie. Which is kinda the reason kids lie. Sooo stay on the issue, and then.. Deal with the lie. For example... Homework not turned in, kid says they turned it in.
Ok. Show me, prove it. Can't?? Do it again right now. Homework done? Yes, turned in?? As a parent walk the kid to class and make sure (if it goes this far) once the issue is done... Now is the time to deal with lieing. But see we as parents tend to focus on the lie and then the kids get just what they want.
And if the lies continue then for a week (or month depending on how far the lieing has gone) per age everything the kid says is a lie. You say you brushed your teeth, sorry I can't believe you as you have lied too much, show me. You say you didn't do this, sorry your grounded because I can't believe you. You get proof they didn't do it?? Oops, don't lie and you won't be blamed. They get tried as a lier. Period.
Woke my son up. Words are words, but when you are getting punished for something the dog did (yep it happened, saw the dog do it... It was a lesson for BS) and no one believes you didn't do it.... Drives the point home better then any words or any punishing.
When mommy is going to class everyday to watch you turn in homework and your peers see this, better then any punishment. Unfortunately, this takes the bio parent and them to CARE
My kids are COD. Who cares??? They will be adults, I am raising people, not permanent children
I don't think it's a phase,
I don't think it's a phase, not in my situation anyways.. It's a habit and one that has been very hard to keep under control.. still not under control.
BM got SD to lie for her bc BM wanted to go out and SD "had a stomach ache and BM didn't know what to do". BM had already brought SD home. I already knew she was lying.. BM was dressed to go out. I asked SD if she needed some sprite or anything and told her since she didn't feel good she should lay down on the couch. (It was a nice day out.. it didn't last long) about 5 minutes after SD was home and laying on the couch she said that she needed to tell me something so I sat beside her to listen. She told me BM told her to say she was sick and heard BM and FI talking about their plans to go to the bar.
I also know for a fact that BM was lying and had SD lie for her bc DH called BM shortly after that, BM didn't realize she had answered the phone and I have a 12 minute conversation recorded of BM and FI talking about DH and me and how horrible we are and the phone was on until they had reached their destination. THE BAR.
I think SD still lies bc BM constantly lies to her. I know SD wants to believe BM. Maybe that makes SD think people will believe her lies. Usually small lies but one of her lies a couple of years ago, even though the school didn't believe because she kept changing her story and the people in it, resulted in a call to CPS. SD had just started counseling at that point.
I hope it's a phase but as long as that's what the adults are showing them, that's what they will continue to do.