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How to give your guy a proper BJ

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 8:41am

You know…In a way, I am kind of glad that SS’s antics are becoming more and more serious (and stupid), because the more asinine things this kid does, the harder it is for DW to keep her head in the sand.

When we gave SS his iPad for Christmas last year, we were VERY clear as to when he can use it and what he can use it for.

The MOST important of these rules are:
1) Do not bring the iPad to school.
2) No smut.

After the incident of last week, I told SS that I would be periodically checking his iPad.

SS brought his iPad to school on Friday. He did this before because he wants to bring it to Donkeykong’s (his Dad picks him up straight from school). SS, probably didn’t want to spend all weekend without his i-Pacifier so he took it with him, thinking that we would probably not notice.

I came home early on Friday and the first thing I notice is that the iPad is absent from its charging cradle. I texted him “Where is your iPad?”. No response. Later in the day DW texted him the same message. Still no response. We call. No answer.

So yesterday evening, when I brought SS home, I asked him to fork over his iPad.

“Why?” he asks.

“SS did you bring your iPad to school on Friday?”

“No.”

“Where is your iPad now?”

“In my school bag.”

“So you didn’t bring your iPad to school but it is in your school bag…Hmmm….Did you bring your school bag to school?”

“Uh….yeah…”

I hold out my hand and say, “Hand it over.”

“Uh…..Yeah okay. Just gimme a sec..”

He runs into his room, pulls it out and starts fiddling with it.

I look at DW and she looks at me. We were both thinking the same thing. 'This kid is busted and he knows it'.

I march straight into his room and yank it out of his hands, SS is working up a sweat now as I start perusing through it. SS was smart enough to erase his chat-logs, but he wasn’t smart enough to erase his Google browsing history.

“How to give your guy a proper blowjob” is a series of instructional videos featuring women doing various *ahem* things to cucumbers, bananas, popsicles and other phallic looking edibles.

I show it to DW. She is disgusted.

“Why do you have this!?” She screams.

“Uh…I uh….Someone sent me a link and I clicked on it.”

“Who sent you a link?”

“I dunno…”

“Well show me the message!”

“I erased it.”

“Someone you don’t know sends you a link to some porn site and you clicked on it!? Really SS? That’s your answer?” DW asks.

“Yes.”

“This anonymous person must have sent you several links SS” I state matter-of-factly. “Oh look! A zuchinni! I didn’t think you like zuchinnis SS.”

SS turns beet red.

“And why didn’t you respond to our texts?"

SS says he never got our texts.

“I’ve heard just about enough.” I said. “SS. I’m confiscating this for 24 hours. You can have it back tomorrow night. Oh and next time, I confiscate it for a week. Third strike, you lose it completely.”

Reset waterworks meter

Comments

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 8:50am

SS couldn't lie his way out of a paper bag!

And yes, i-Pacifier should be i-Pacifier[TM] with credits given to you!

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 9:01am

Gosh! 15! In this day and age I wouldnt even think twice about that. If he was like 11 or 12 then I might think differently.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 8:58am

> Are those not normal things for boys to look at?? <

I was a teenage boy once. So no, looking at women deepthroating vegetables and various produce is not what I would consider normal. One time? Maybe, but multiple hits?

Why can't teenage boys be satisfied with just pin-up posters of Farfah Fawcett and Wonder Woman?

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 9:05am

I won't dispute the normalcy of a teen boy being interested in porn and other sexual-related content. The point is, SS WAS TOLD he is not to do this.

And some of the women on those videos didn't even look like woman but young girls. Not sure if this classifies as child pornography but still...

I don't want to go back to the days where Donkeykong was sending a bailiff to the house every other day citing some instance of parental neglect. So I run a tight ship.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 9:51am

Total aside:

You reminded me of an incident that *almost* got me in trouble....

I was looking up avatars for my D&D players: Elf ranger, Orc barbarian, etc...

My brother, the leader of the group, is playing a female Dwarf Shield Maiden.

I start hitting google.

"Dwarf shield maidens"
Nope
"Dwarf Clerics*
Nope, only males
"Female Dwarf Clerics"
Nada
"Female Dwarfs"
OMG! MY EYES!!!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Submitted by BarkAtTheMoon on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 9:32am

DH took SD13 to ComicCon in early September. She dressed as Finn from Adventure Time. Seriously.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Submitted by BarkAtTheMoon on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 8:55am

Oh I clicked on this right away as I have been keeping up with DracO's posts lol. "I didn't think you liked zucchinis......" *snort*
You should have steamed zucchini and butternut squash as a side dish with dinner this week. Or if you go to Outback Steakhouse, I believe their steamed veggies ALWAYS include zucchini. LOL

Only 24 hours of confiscation? Oh puh-lease. I would take that iBitch for at least a week. I took all screen devices AND the TV remote AND the keyboard to the desktop to my office in a box and left them there for 10 days last summer. The iPad and tablets are still there. SD13 has been reduced to using her iPod Touch for everything. That's when she lied about taking a shower and she didn't even get her hair wet. I don't think she even got into the shower. I disengaged that night.

~ Moon

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 9:09am

You guys are hillarious!

But it's DW that packs his lunch so...It's both hillarious and weird at the same time.

Glassslipper's picture

Submitted by Glassslipper on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 8:55am

my bio son did the same thing on the ipod he owned, lost it for a month...
The content in porn magazines and porn movies and at porn stores are for ages 18 and up I told him, most web sites require a credit card, because you have to be OVER 18 I told him...

When your 18, you can watch it all day long everyday, till then, no porno for you! It's the law!
Haven't found anything like it on his history since...

hangingbyathread6's picture

Submitted by hangingbyathread6 on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 8:56am

Wow! You are much easier than I am!! I confiscated my SS's tablet completely and he no longer has unsupervised internet access. I also set controls on his phone so that lovely iPhone he has is not different than a iPod and can make calls and send texts. Told him he can bring his table to his mother's (who doesn't have internet) and he can explain to her why he isn't allowed to have it in our home if he wants..needless to say, the tablet is still in my room. Hasn't wanted to tell mommy dearest what he was up to.

Course he was looking at more than zucchinis and cucumbers...the ones he was looking at include animals and multiple people. But he too tried the "I accidentally clicked on a link and that's what came up. I didn't know, I didn't try to!" Really SS...so that's why there are 15-20 links in your history....these kids...if they are going to lie at least make it somewhat respectable!!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Submitted by BarkAtTheMoon on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 8:57am

Maybe start him off with WHOLE carrots in the lunch this week. Don't want to scare the Skid, right? His friends will ask WHY he has an entire whole carrot? Then again, they would probably know the reason why......lmao

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 9:04am

I must admit, I LOVED it when my skids "true colours" would shine through, thus proving my point.

1. That Chef's kids are not "DIFFERENT" and "SPECIAL" (meaning to Chef that they were as pure as the wind driven snow)

2. That Chef's kids were in fact liars and did their mother's bidding (spying, playing double agent, etc)

So, time for that keylogger and for it to be put under lockdown as DW will never allow it to be confiscated permanently.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 9:31am

Ha Ha!!!

Five jars of Nutella, DW will backslide and say "it wasn't that baaaad" "some OTHER kid is influencing my son" "he was having a bad day that day" blah blah blah blah

AllySkoo's picture

Submitted by AllySkoo on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 9:41am

I was a bit afraid to click on this link too. Lol

Good for you for taking it away! I don't think what he was looking at would bother me all that much (although it clearly bothered your wife) - but the lies would have sent me over the edge! My BS5 has lost privileges for an entire weekend for lying, your SS got off easy!

TinyDancer's picture

Submitted by TinyDancer on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 9:48am

I think I live on a different cloud then everyone.... My first thought was; 'is he looking to learn', and if so, it might explain a few things with him. Is it possible?

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 10:02am

OMG!!!

SS just texted me;

Where is my iPad?

Boy this kid is dense.

Hmmm...Should I not respond or tell him to go suck on a lemon?

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 10:06am

I'd choose a different fruit to recommend.

But seriously, the LYING!!!

If he's really this dumb, I hope BD and BS aren't tainted by whatever is wrong with SS.

If he's not... then he has got your (you and DW's) number.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 11:08am

I say this in all honesty, I cannot remember the last time SS took a shower. He definetly didn't take one last week and I don't think he ever showers at his Dad's.

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 2:41pm

Wow, I thought OSS was bad, he takes 2 long showers a day, morning and evening. Yours has mine beat!

WTF...REALLY's picture

Submitted by WTF...REALLY on Mon, 10/20/2014 - 12:36pm

Has American Pie taught us nothing????

When you catch your kid with a pie, or carrot video for that matter, you sit down with the kid and have a heart to heart.

Seriously, I would not ridicule the kid for being normal. I'd cut him some slack. Just think, now he can give proper instructions to his future wife. Smile