SS13 (whom I adore) starts figuring out dinner is nearly ready. He hates that we insist he eat some nutritious things like vegetables and the occasional broiled protein vs. the all pizza diet he'd love to have.

So he's gearing up to throw a good preventative tantrum. "What are we having for dinner!!?" he squeals at a pitch only dogs can hear. DH looks at me, expecting me to answer him and console him. I just keep fixing dinner. "WHAT are we having for dinner??!!" he tries again, this time the neighborhood dogs start covering their ears, the pitch has gotten so high.

ChiefDinnerFixer goes about her business. DH starts panicking, looking back and forth from me to SS13. Wash rinse repeat a few more times.

At last, ChiefGrownup calmly deploys.

Me: SS, you know I don't answer questions from that tone of voice.

DH: (about to faint)

SS: (noticeably lower octave but still a definite whine) What are we having for dinner?!!

Me: You can do better than that. Try again.

DH: (wondering if he should call CPS on his own wife)

SS: What are we having for dinner? (perfectly calm)

Me: Turkey and your favorite potatoes! (I'm all big smiles, happy dance, and Donna Reed now)

SS returns to his regularly scheduled programming for the evening, starts setting the table, skipping about all happy and smiley. DH looks at what just happened, exhales for the first time in 3 minutes, contemplates with wonder the calm child who has just emerged from the Tantrum Cocoon.

It has been great having SS to myself one afternoon a week. When it's just me, I call all the shots and SS knows it. He has rapidly become accustomed to my ways and during my time with him he is a happier kid. Fewer tantrums and more constructive play and homework finishing by far. By FAR.

In a group setting, his dad is on deck (or his mom). I would just have moments where I was at bat, never regular stretches of hours long time. Not enough time to really work things out with him because in a trice one of his parents would appear and a tantrum was often only a moment away. But with these regular doses of me for a whole afternoon, the two of us are getting into a good understanding, a real groove. DH is taking notes. Still shocked, but taking notes cuz he is a damn good guy.

Here's the thing. SS13 has adored me for a long time. DH is the first one to point it out to me. Seems to be true. Me having my Scary Lady Voice (which was not necessary for the above scenario), enforcing unpleasant tasks, and laying down rules has not affected ss13's adoration for me at all.

My philosophy is structure creates a happy, safe kid and happy, safe kids can love. Wildly out of control lifestyle creates a narcissistic, insecure kid. Narcissistic, insecure kids not good at that whole loving thing. Sorry so many parents are terrified they'll lose the child's love if they enforce rules and authority. In my humble opinion, they have got it all backwards.

Footnote: SS13 is autistic. That's why he is still subject to squealing at this age and why the food is so important to him.