Update: Attorney Consultation=Epic FAIL; Chef BAILS
Finally found a GREAT attorney that could help Chef. Spent two hours gathering documents and researching attorneys. Do you think Chef would be grateful?
NOPE!
As the attorney was talking, Chef did the "body language" that he was NOT going to try for the downward mod because THIS attorney was on the ball.
The attorney sensed this and said "I'm not going to represent you because I can tell you don't want to do this" while looking straight at Chef.
Thank GOD the attorney didn't charge me the consultation fee!
As I suspected, Chef had NO intention of ever going against the BM in court ever.
As we walked toward the cars (we took separate vehicles thank GOD) we started to argue and Chef turned it all around (as I suspected) with the old chestnuts:
1. you don't want my kids to come over
2. you were spying on my kids via FB
3. you are jealous of the BM
4. he would rather pay CS till the day he dies than go back to court
So that's that. I told him this morning that;
1. it would make my head spin how fast he would file for a downward mod if he were living on his own
2. if the situation were reversed and I had my bios with us but not getting any CS from the biodads, there would be HELL to pay with Chef (he already chastised me years back for not pursuing CS from the biodads; which I DID do btw)
3. that it's obvious he is hurt because he doesn't see his kids anymore and there's no way he can EVER have a relationship with them with me in the picture due to the BM's brainwashing; so he might as well get back in their lives and cut me out of the picture.
I had planned a weekend trip (foolish me) MONTHS back to Florida with Chef. He had told me so far four times that he's not going--even though it was his idea. I'm pretty sure i'll be stuck with THAT bill. Not sure if I can invite someone else to go with me.
He's "threatening" to leave--which is FANTASTIC but I believe it's an idle threat since he is strapped due to CS.
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This is exactly what I was
This is exactly what I was thinking as I read the post!
Pfft! Let him leave, doesn't
Pfft! Let him leave, doesn't sound like it would be much of a loss.
Believe me it would be a net
Believe me it would be a net GAIN:
1. detergent, etc for his horribly soiled work clothes
2. FULL Satellite radio subscription (for him only)
3. Full satellite TV package including NFL Sunday ticket (for him only)
4. His expensive tastes in booze and food
5. Extra toiletries, etc.
6. Auto insurance I pay for him
7. Taxes I pay for him
8. All the stuff he does to run my bills up (leaves stereo blasting, lights on, doesn't use my burn pile for paper products, just dumps it in the trash)
9. Tools I buy for him (his work buys some) which he doesn't take care of, loses or destroys them and ends up throwing them out and buying more.
He has filed bankruptcy twice; the last time was to bail out the BM's marital debt. He has no credit record and brings home $200-300 a week this takes into factor his $300 a month deposit into a general fund). Which he promptly spends on booze and food HE likes. He has zero retirement savings, zero pension. zero savings other than what's left of his last worker's comp claim.
His contribution?
1. his work (sometimes) pays for my automobile gas
2. his work (sometimes) pays for my auto repairs
3. he contributes $300 a month to a general fund which he considers HIS money
4. he provides labour for remodeling projects (which are all devised by him; i have little to no say)
Sounds like a CATCH, eh,ladies?
Here's a backstory for you.
Here's a backstory for you. When I first moved to this god forsaken dump for the sake of being closer to HIS kids (TM), I got dish network. WELL! It didn't have the YANKEES channel on it so I had to bite the bullet and pay a hefty early termination fee to get DirectTV. Do you think Chef watches the Yankees anymore (since they suck right now)?
Tell me about it! And Chef
Tell me about it!
And Chef with his implications that I do NOTHING for him! BULLSHIT! I've done WAAAAAY too much for him and now he's nothing more than a spoiled teenager:
"I'm running away from HOME!" "What's for diiinnnnerr?"
-Jim Gaffigan
I USED to have Time Warner at
I USED to have Time Warner at my old house before i was talked into moving to be "closer to the skids" (TM)
Where I live now there are only a few options. I see that TW is going to be taken over by Comcast or so it seems.
Frankly, before TW, I put a large antenna up on my roof and could get Canadian channels as I was about 30 miles north of where I am now.
HEY NOW. dont bash my
HEY NOW. dont bash my boys!!!!!!!!!
guess he's not a committed fan. oh wait, chef doesnt really know what committment means - *sigh* nevermind.
No offense! LOL. I think Mr.
No offense! LOL. I think Mr. Jeeter was an awesome player and leader; sad to see him go! But on the whole, I"m more of a hockey fan than anything else.
This reminds me of my ex
This reminds me of my ex fiancé -y rebound after 10 years with my ExH.
He gave me $500 a month towards our house (rent was $1800 and mortgage on the home I subsequently bought was about the same). He HAD to have the Sunday ticket. He had to have steak and booze for dinner. He wouldn't now the lawn or do any man jobs around the house. Wtf was he there for?
Drive me crazy and cost me money to keep him. I kept having to ask myself why I was always broke- I made about 30% more than him, received child support for my kids - oh wait, because I was supplementing this grown ass man's lifestyle that he couldn't afford: new car, new clothes. Wtf
Happiest day of my life when he moved out of MY house that I bought for me and the kids. Oh. And he was mad I didn't out his name on the deed of the property. Why would I? His credit didn't qualify, he did not help with the down payment and he did not pay half the mortgage.
This is the same man that got
This is the same man that got in a scooter crash (alone, in a court while messing around with a friends scooter one night) and seriously left our house to go stay at his moms so mommy could take care of him
That's when I really knew I had a problem.
OMG I think we have the SAME
OMG I think we have the SAME GUY. Other than the fact that Chef's parents have long passed. I don't think they ever parented Chef in their old age. Just flat out tired. So they spoiled him.
Already did that. He was
Already did that. He was like PFFFTT
I told him he didn't up his tax withholdings this year so he's going to get slammed next year.
His response? So what--I don't care if i have to pay $200 a week in taxes (translation: don't care if I bring home $30 a week; I'm WORTH it!)
He's "threatening" to
He's "threatening" to leave--which is FANTASTIC
Hip Hip Hoorayyyyy! Go to Florida WITHOUT him! Have fun! Maybe, hopefully, he'll be gone when you get back!
it would make my head spin
it would make my head spin how fast he would file for a downward mod if he were living on his own
I would make that happen, him living on his own, I mean.
Would anyone of you ladies in
Would anyone of you ladies in upstate NY (possibly near Buffalo) like to go to Key West Columbus Day Weekend? I would invite my daughter but she's afraid to fly and I'm not sure I can get the names changed on the flight tickets.
oh man! you are two hours
oh man! you are two hours away from me!! I would LOVE to go, but I am a sissy about leaving BS4 for that long (well at all! lol)
I actually live between
I actually live between Rochester and Syracuse!
Near Albany for me.
Near Albany for me.
I live between Ithaca and
I live between Ithaca and Elmira!
I think we need to arrange a NY Stalk Session!!!!!!
OMG YESSSS!!!
OMG YESSSS!!!
I liv in paradise now, but I
I liv in paradise now, but I grew up in Endicott! Represent, upstate!!
I used to work with a girl
I used to work with a girl from Endicott! She drove me nuts thought because whenever she said it she pronounced it like "En Dee Cott" I think her name was Erica?? Is that you???? lol
I'm near Lake George!! I
I'm near Lake George!! I would love to go! But I would have to take BS 10 months
As am I. Don't you just LOVE
As am I. Don't you just LOVE corn fields?
Dup
Dup
What a douche. Any man who
What a douche. Any man who threatens to leave but doesn't follow through is a manipulator and a p*ssy IMHO
Threatening to leave doesn't
Threatening to leave doesn't make him a p@@@@., physically abusing the OP does.
He's blowing smoke. He will never leave on his own because he can't afford to pay super dad on just his income.
I meant p*ssy as in chicken
I meant p*ssy as in chicken shit. It's an empty threat..therefore he's manipulating and being a chicken shit.
Just being able to get a
Just being able to get a downward modification in NY is a miracle in and of itself. Not doing it is downright STUPID.
You deserve much better. Take him up on his offer to leave. Insist on it.
I'm not even interested in
I'm not even interested in doing better than this. I just want to be on my own. It's painfully obvious I don't need him for anything. Sure having a handyman around in a high maintenance house (secluded area with septic tank and well) is nice but at what PRICE??
With all the money you could
With all the money you could save withOUT Chef, you could probably afford a handyman when needed and STILL save money...
You're reminding me of
You're reminding me of something a friend told me once, when she broke up with a guy. "He was really only useful for 2 things. One he didn't do well enough to suit me, and I can take out my own damn garbage."
Sometimes I picture Chef as
Sometimes I picture Chef as an angrier version of Homer Simpson.
Brain: "Chef, a CS downward mod would mean more money for you to acquire goods and services."
Chef: "EXPLAIN!"
Chef is a combination of: 1.
Chef is a combination of:
1. Archie Bunker (as prejudiced as) although A Bunker did have some common sense wisdom that Chef doesn't
2. Homer Simpson (as much a slob as)
3. Peter of Family Guy (as much a mysogynist as and same intelligence level)
4. Al Bundy of Married with Children (as much fervor for life as)
Thing is it's MY house and
Thing is it's MY house and finally it's starting to take shape to the point where I enjoy picking raspberries, harvesting veggies, cutting flowers, bird watching, having a nice warm fire in the winter.
I'm not going ANYWHERE!
No disrespect intended. I
No disrespect intended. I totally understand. The only thing he's got over me is physical violence. Like an idiot, I've given him many chances to redeem himself. I"m hoping to annoy him enough so he'll get out peacefully
Hoping to use the angle that he needs to rebond with his children and the ONLY way he can do that is to have me out of the picture. Which means moving out, finding a place of his own and apologizing to his kids. And he's a guilty parent enough to do it. He knows where they live (about 18 minutes away) and could easily do it.
***warning blunt post*** Sure
***warning blunt post***
Sure we ALL have negative characteristics and when you marry or commit to a partner you take those flaws on as part of that person, but thinkthrice why are you wasting your time and energy attempting to change Chef? What exactly does he do for you?
Instead of dragging this reluctant loser to the attorny in order to get CS modification (which I completely understand and agree with you over, however your husband is NOT reasonable and rational human being so he doesnt give a damn. Not about you, not about your marriage. Hes proven that with his pathetic pussy decisions...) get YOUR arse to a lawyer asap! Figure out how much money YOU are burning through by enabling your partner to live this life of folly (the bills, the food, the extras and the cs as you are supplimenting this imo). Instead of growing evermore frustrated, angry at Chef over his inaction and verbal diarrhea aimed at you (jealous of bm? Does he have a hole in his brain where the grey matters oozes out during his stupidity rants-lol youshould tell him "why yes chef, I AM jealous of bm. She got rid of you didnt she? She has hold of all of your cash and not have to endure you any longer. RESULT!") realise that while he pours his money into bms hands, you are doing the same.damn.thing. Right into Chefs hands. It may not be direct monetary gain direct from you into Chefs bank account, but you are funding his lifestyle. Your hard work, your sweat and tears. The money you would save by ditching this parasite could fund your very own maintenence man, without the bloody hassle of chef.
The reason this dude acts so disrespectfully towards you is because he has nothing to lose, he knows you put up with it. Stop trying to change him, its futile. Focus on changing yourself, figure out why you put up with him amd realise you do have options. Do yourself a favour and Get that legal advice.
"why yes chef, I AM jealous
"why yes chef, I AM jealous of bm. She got rid of you didnt she? She has hold of all of your cash and not have to endure you any longer. RESULT!"
You must have been reading my mind. I SO wanted to say this today!
Ah see I would have said it,
Ah see I would have said it, but then whensome dumps on me from a great height I take NO prisoners! }:)
I might add that at the end
I might add that at the end of our conversation this morning, Chef said he wants to go to therapy with me to fix what is wrong with ME! (same ol' same ol') Not.wasting.the.time. If the therapist tells him that there is something on HIS end to be fixed, he will be all PFFFTT I'm not going.
Yep. I told him counseling
Yep. I told him counseling isn't just what one person did. There are always two sides to every story and the counselor would tell him that we BOTH need to work on stuff. Which he would NOT accept. Because as a narcissist, he is practically perfect in every way. (TM)
My old friend was right when
My old friend was right when he first moved in over 10 years ago. "Tell him you're not interested in a gigolo"
And the sex is not good.
you have been dealing with
you have been dealing with this shit for 10 years?
:jawdrop:
Yep and now that there's a
Yep and now that there's a chance of getting the financial burden lightened for him as well as me, he's NOT INTERESTED! Instead of an attitude of gratitude, he mistakenly thinks I owe HIM for his labour.
Yep and this is EXACTLY why I
Yep and this is EXACTLY why I NEVER married Chef nor will I ever. As one of the old time posters on this site said: "Some men are NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL" and should have it branded on their foreheads!
Chef has a rifle in the
Chef has a rifle in the house.
Maybe the rifle AND Chef can
Maybe the rifle AND Chef can "disappear".
He doesn't have a 9-5 job.
He doesn't have a 9-5 job. He swings in and out of the house at random. Pops in sometimes at 9 or 10 or 11 a.m. for a few "lunch beers" no doubt. Very erratic schedule as he works out of a van. I DID manage to put a gps system on his phone that he doesn't know about. It's somewhat accurate. Gives me an idea of his whereabouts.
If I ever TOUCHED that rifle he has from his sainted dad, it would be trouble for me. Sometimes he's home by noon or 1 or 2 or 3. You get the picture.
I'll be calling on that
I'll be calling on that tomorrow!
Sometimes it's hard to know
Sometimes it's hard to know what you're thinkin'.
***blunt post*** Notice how
***blunt post***
Notice how there is NO response to why she doesn't kick Chef out.
NO response to why she continues to pay for his lifestyle, his beer, his phone, his massive Directv bill.
NO response to why she continues to put up with this.
NO end in sight.
There have been other posters like this and I always pose the same question.....Are you ever going to actually DO anything about this or just complain about it forever?
Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy the stories, but there doesn't seem to be any plan in place to change it.
Chef is an ass and totally treats you like crap......but you are ALLOWING it to continue!!!! I just don't get that. Life is way too short to spend your free time with assholes.
Meh
I read it loud and clear. So
I read it loud and clear. So he is physically violent and she fears for his safety......is the answer to this then to just live with it, pay for it, and do nothing else? Oh yeah, and make VACATION plans?????????????
This does not compute.
Hell to the no. Escape plan is it. SELL the house. It's just a house. I love my little house, but I'd sell it in a heartbeat if that was my only recourse.
I understand that kicking him out might not be feasible, she might get hurt in the time it takes to evict someone.
Sell the house.
If he threatens you, call the cops, get an RO.
Has the OP ever TRIED to get an RO? Ever TRIED to kick him out? Ever used domestic violence resources? None of this is easy or a quick fix, but for God's sake TT, are you going to DO something about this or just wait until he kills you?
You sound like a strong, smart woman. It does not match up with how you are letting this guy walk all over you. I would not pay ONE DIME toward this poor excuse for a man.
And if someone EVER laid a hand on me, cops would be called, his butt would be in jail, and I would be at the courthouse first thing in the AM to get an RO. Oh yeah, I'd change the locks on his butt, too. What's he going to do? Sue you? With what money?
Why should Chef leave?? TT makes life pretty comfy for him.
DarkStar, I completely agree
DarkStar, I completely agree with you. OP isnt going anywhere. She has put up with it for 10 years, and she will continue to make excuses for why she can't leave for another 10 years. I have friends just like this. Sorry, I have no patience for people who willingly let themselves be used and treate like shit.