Every kid she's met prevents her from succeeding, it's not fay-errr!
When I first met SDthen12, she was engaged in a school dustup. Seems the other girls in her group on a group project alternately "wouldn't let her work on it" or "stole her work, turned it in, and didn't let her participate or get credit." Bottom line, she was going to get a bad grade on this project and those were her flippety-floppety explanations to her parents.
My first thought was, "Do we know these other girls? Why don't we make cupcakes and have them over to do their work together? Facilitate friend-making and working well with others. We can see what's really going on. Is it really likely these girls are ganging up on her? And which story is it? They either stole her work or they forced her not to work: can't be both which she seems to be saying in both her versions."
BM's first reaction? "I'm going to give that teacher a piece of my mind! He shouldn't let those rotten other girls treat my daughter like that!" (cue deer in the headlights look on my face when I heard that)
BM never followed up with that anyway. Skid was petted for being victimized by mean girls and excused by both parents for getting a bad grade.
Every school year since, this scenario has repeated itself. SD always gets a bad grade on group projects and always has storiea about being smarter than the other girls but somehow they steal-her-work/won't-let-her-work.
One time it was a 2 partner project. She never did work together with the other girl. So it came as a surprise to her when they gave their joint presentation that the other girl mispronounced a word. They both got marked off for it. SDthen14 had lots of choice words for this "stupid" girl.
I seemed to be the only person capable of saying, "if they had worked TOGETHER, like the teacher intended, SDthen14 could have helped her with it and they would both have got a better grade. Teachers assign partnerships and group partnerships for a REASON."
The more these incidents occurred, the more I began to speak up. DH kept saying how unfortunate it was that SD had had so many bad group project partners. This is even in the midst of one story SD was telling us wherein the other girls kept saying,"SDname, SDname! Come work with us!" but SD stubbornly refused to even answer them. (Exactly what were the other girls doing that was so bad, DH???!!!) I started saying things like, "Yeah, you can have a bad partner. You can also BE a bad partner." DH looked a little rocked off his center but had to admit this was true.
So the latest such conversation just occurred. DH was telling me some story about something that happened before I met him and as an aside tossed in, "oh, and SD had such a bad group for that project, it was really a shame."
I nearly gave myself an aneurysm by holding back what was on the tip of my tongue, "Huh. Has SD EVER had a good lab-partner/project-group?"
I am so done right now trying to help parent that kid. That is why I held back. But it cost me some blood pressure to do so. Huh. What are the odds that every single kid in school is a bad person and SD is wonderful? Every single one. Someone could have made a lot of money on those odds!
So, step-friends, let me have your stories about how your spouse is immune to outside evidence that their kid is falling behind the curve!
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OMG, you just wrote an entire
OMG, you just wrote an entire post about MY SD13! For the past two years, I have tutored her, I have checked her homework, I have reminded her that she has a missing assignment, EVERYTHING.
I told DH this school year I would not do her homework with her one bit. She had math homework the first day of school and that is all we have seen. Cue the chirping.
:: crickets ::
I have been training DH on how he needs to check SD13's grades online, read the teacher emails, etc and hold his angel daughter ACCOUNTABLE. She is starting to spiral down a bit with the quizzes, projects and tests. She gets A's on classwork that only count for 10% of the 9-week grade, but the projects, writing assignments, we have seen ZERO.
SD13 just keeps smiling and acting cute and asking for things. SD13 has ALWAYS blamed others for her lower assignment grades on group projects. Last year I finally asked her why it was always someone else's fault, when maybe it's her own fault that she didn't do well? She just gave me a blank look like HOW could I possibly think that? She's not the brightest crayon in the box. I sat with her every day when she moved in FT in 2013. She was in 6th grade. I gave her good advice and reminded her of how to stay organized and plan for projects in 7th grade last year. Each marking period I had less input and let her do her own thing. Yep, 4th marking period the D's and F's were cropping up on assignments and it was never her fault. "Stupid teacher, stupid so-and-so took my notes, stupid whatever....."
Yeah, RIGHT. Stoopid Skid. Stupid DH.
~ Moon
Oh, my, yes, the "stupid
Oh, my, yes, the "stupid teachers," she's had tons of those, too! In reality, both from the interactions we've had with the teachers and from the stories SD herself tells, many of her teachers are going way out of their way to motivate her and pave the way for her success. Teachers can do a lot, but the kid has to do SOMETHING.
The part that bothers me is the petting from mom and dad, that it wasn't her fault, that she's a victim of all these other kids/teachers.
My SD15 really is very smart. But she has terrible social skills and terrible organization skills. On top of that, she has the low motivation of her mother and the rampant blaming of others her mother has perfected. I'm fine with a kid needing help on these issues. I am boggled by parents thinking the right thing to do is blame all the other girls and the teachers! How can you sit back and not help her learn how to work well with others? How can you sit back and not do what you did, try to get her jump started on organizing her time and learning to follow through?
My SD could be a valedictorian with a lot of scholarships to college. She's that smart. Instead, we'll be lucky if she graduates at all.
Also, it boggles me that her parents are willing to wholesale bash other girls whom they have NEVER met!
Well, if she's unpopular at
Well, if she's unpopular at school (something I think is possible), then it's possible that her partners DON'T want to work with her. How are her grades and stuff on individual assignments? If she does the work acceptably on her own and it's just group stuff she's screwing up, then she's probably got a social problem (maybe being bullied, but at least being ostracized). If ALL her work is sub-par, then your DH needs to get his head out of his butt.
She gets Ds and Fs on many of
She gets Ds and Fs on many of her individual assignments. She sometimes gets really good grades on tests, though, because they are done in class and she's smart. Her excuses for getting the bad grades on the individual assignments often have to do with "the teacher didn't really say when it was due" or similar.
She is not popular. But we have no evidence that other girls are anything but friendly to her. We have often heard stories of them encouraging her or reaching out to her in some way and how SD triumphantly rejected them or stood there blinking. She occasionally gets invited to parties and it's always a tossup as to whether she will show up or not.
It kills me that her mother has never helped her learn how to be a friend. Dads can only do so much in this area, especially with girls. What is so hard about a mom asking a couple 12 year old girls over for study project and root beer floats? Or to the library and ice cream parlor afterward if she didn't want to get her house involved?
I live in a large metropolis.
I live in a large metropolis. There are dozens of ice cream parlours and fro-yogurt places, some of them large chains. Branch libraries are often located close to strip malls, if walking is important.
Plus, it could be pizza, popcorn, candy store, Lush soap store, arcade, book store, whatever. Just a fun activity to help the girls bond and make homework a positive experience and help an awkward girl learn how to interact positively with other kids and not view them all with such hostility.
Why, thank you, Rising.
Why, thank you, Rising. **smiley**
stupid teachers here. it's
stupid teachers here. it's always the teacher's fault. either they just suck at teaching or "he hates me and singles me out".
oss has gotten worse and worse, he barely avoided a second summer in summerschool before this 'year' started.
yss is just a troublemaker and dh frankly doesnt give a rats ass anymore what he does in school.
dh is immune to it with oss, cuz oss is old enough to feel effects of "natural consequences", and he is immune to it w/ yss because yss has totally busted the hell out of dh's give-a-damn.
I feel so sorry for teachers.
I feel so sorry for teachers. I could not stand being swarmed by hundreds of strange kids every day and being blamed by twice as many defensive, ostrich parents every night.
Dad (and mom, of course) should be teaching junior that the teacher doesn't have space in his/her brain to bother with selecting a random kid to pick on. Teacher's just trying to get though the day. If you help him/her do so, you're likely helping yourself get through the day, too. Just do the work and be polite, you'll be fine.
Thanks for sharing, Tuff.
hell yeah, i feel sorry for
hell yeah, i feel sorry for them too. but, i'm "not da momma", dh doesnt care anymore, and Dumbass is AWOL for over a year aside from the occasional few hours visits.
teachers do NOT get pd enough to deal w/ these kids' issues....
DH's kids are socially
DH's kids are socially awkward. They don't interact well with other kids and they are even worse at interacting with adults. Early on after meeting them, I told dh they seemed stunted. He got very defensive and said of course they are stunted, look at everything they have been through. What?!? These are not abused and neglected kids. Their mother is an incompetent idiot but thanks to everyone she gets handouts from, the kids have had semi stable middle class lives. They are simply children of divorce. The only thing "thing they have been through" is finding out their dad didn't love their mother. Boohoo.
Of course I'm the one who was wrong. I expected way too much from them. I have no idea what I'm talking about because I don't have kids. I'm not being fair to them. So then every time I saw my best friend's daughter or my sister's kids I made sure to comment about them: Did you see how well mannered they were? Did you see how she said please and thank you? Did you see how she made a point to sit by me and talk to me? Did you see how he actually made eye contact with adults and answered with more than grunts? Did you see how well they adapted in xyz social situation and didn't flip out like they were suddenly transported to an alien planet? I never made direct comparisons to his kids but he had to know.
It got even better when we spent the weekend with the kids my sister took in. These kids really have been through a lot. The man they thought was their father was only their other sibling's father so he completely abandoned them (but not the sibling) when he left their mom. That was followed by neglect from their drug addled mom and physical abuse from their mom's new boyfriend. Add to that moving 6 times a year, sleeping on the floor, taking care of younger siblings before CPS took them away. Despite all of these disadvantages, these kids were still miles ahead of DH's kids on the social development scale. He knew it. In fact, ever since that weekend, I haven't heard any of his usual excuses when his kids act weird in social situations.
Oh, Mercury, underline every
Oh, Mercury, underline every single thing you said. Totally my experiences and my responses. Right down to the "your expectations are too high and the kids you know are 'exceptional.'" The evidence is mounting up, though, as he is exposed to more and more kids, that the kids I know are the norm not his. And also him being exposed to kids who've been through worse. Yup, SD has a totally secure middle class life. I myself have been through everything she has "been through" and worse. I did not act that way and no other kid I knew on my own or that we are getting to know together acts that way.
Furthermore, her younger autistic brother is outpacing her. Has more friends, better manners, better grades, and a happier life. 'Splain me that, if SD is such a victim?
Uggghhhh! I've heard that
Uggghhhh! I've heard that one too: "but THOSE kids are exceptional". :sick:
Hahaha! KKD your comment made
Hahaha! KKD your comment made me laugh good hearty and I needed it! So perfect! Thanks!
Here's the thing with the
Here's the thing with the kids of divorce who have been treated like fragile victims. They think they really and truly are victims and that everyone OWES them for what they've been through.
Instead of coddling and babying these kids, they need to be empowered and taught to be resilient so that they feel like they can do things and over come things.
It's sad to think of how many kids now days truly believe that they are victims. Hovering and coddling kids of divorce does more harm than good.
They need to fail and them face the consequences for it. Stop doing things for them or they will never learn how to be responsible or how to grow a damned back bone.
So freaking true, Married! I
So freaking true, Married! I thank my lucky stars nobody told me I was "broken" or "fragile" when I was a child and by today's standards apparently they would have had reason to. People were kind to me and went out of their for me, and I appreciated it. But they all said, "that's life," not "you poor thing." I really had a visceral reaction the first time I saw that term, that COD are "broken children." So grateful no one said that to me when I was 10!
I have told DH that his daughter would have more confidence if she did more things for herself. Hard to feel strong if everyone is always reinforcing the message that you are too weak and broken to function.
My SD is 6. She doesn't have
My SD is 6. She doesn't have a lot of behavioural problems (yet) or problems in school (yet), but she does always play the victim already. When she gets to our house for her weekend visits, all we hear about is who was mean to her and all the bad things that happened to her since her last visit. Her BM is the same way, so obviously the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. BM has changed jobs so many times because, according to SD, "People at work are mean to Mommy".
I can see this same kind of thing you described happening in SD's future. It'll always be everyone else's fault.
Our BM always quits after 7
Our BM always quits after 7 or 8 months. She says all the women are jealous of her and the men sexually harass her.
I find this hilarious because she is down-right homely. She looks like a damn horse. Hence, the nickname Horseface. But she thinks she is goooorgeous and much better than everyone else.
You know, CGI, i hear these
You know, CGI, i hear these stories at work every day. Often from involved, educated parents of students enrolled in the best private schools in the country where tuition exceeds that of many colleges: bright kid, so smart, such an original thinker, cannot make it through high school, cannot complete LT projects on time, does not turn in HW, lies and blames everyone for his or her failures. School suggests he/she not return in September. These kids have supportive families
(some intact, some not), great general education teachers, all resources are at their disposal - what is missing?
It is more about what is present but poorly understood than what is absent: they are wired differently. Executive functioning weaknesses, attentional deficits, processing speed issues, learning differences/disabilities etc are widespread but not always identified in good time. So these kids spend years wondering why they are not getting as easily to the destination their peers seem to arrive at with much less effort. It affects their motivation, self-esteem, confidence - everything suffers, including family dynamics. I had a mother of a very bright girl cry in my office today: her daughter just gave up last school year when she was unable to keep up, refused to go to school altogether. Which led to fights, constant stress on the family, revolving door with the therapists, and so on.
These kids need to be evaluated, and provided with custom-made supports that will help them learn strategies to manage their work load in high school and college, as well as learn to compensate. No amount of parenting can make up for an intervention from a specially trained teacher. Bad parenting does not help, but great parents are up against the same challenge. Thinking the child CAN do something but WON'T is not the answer. Often the child CANNOT *do* better and resorts to different methods to deflect the blame and make themselves *feel* better.
It would be prudent to try to understand why the organizational or social skills are so low and figure out how to help improve them. Why is your SD getting Ds and Fs on her assignments if she is so smart? What is preventing her from doing a better job when it is an individual task? Poor mothering? I doubt that's the only reason.
I am not opposed to this
I am not opposed to this point of view at all, Pilgrim. She has been in therapy all summer long, though, and not a peep of such a thing from the therapist. I have been accused in my past of diagnosing while unqualified so in the absence of professional evidence I can only go on what I see.
I actually had my fingers crossed that they would do some neuro psych testing once she got in front of a professional but so far crickets. Maybe the therapist would have been more on the lookout for indicators if her parents had been more frank in the intake process. But DH is actually very opposed to the idea you brought out. He doesn't want her "labeled." This is actually impossible for me to understand since, metaphorically, cancer is still cancer whether you name it or not. I don't understand the evil inherent in "labels" but apparently it's a very scary word to DH.
So I'm left with a therapist who has not once notified her parents that she needs any sort of testing or anything but the talk therapy she is currently receiving.
It was a very thoughtful post, Pilgrim, and I appreciate your professional insight. If you have any links, literature, or techniques you want to recommend, please do.
In the meantime, I will have to rely on whatever basic parenting ideas I can come up with and can talk my DH into. One way or another, girl needs help, not constant de facto encouragement to behave badly and treat others with hostility. And to always BLAME.