Will SS15 Ever See the Light?
SS15 has made no improvement in his treatment of us since I last posted. He continues to ignore us all. In turn, we do nothing for him but the bare minimum. Three squares a day and a roof over his head. We feel him pulling further and further away and honestly, we'll be surprised if he continues visitation after this week. BM's PAS is working its wonderful magic on him. Despite him knowing who we are and what we're about, despite BM's poor treatment of him, he will always choose her. I understand the dynamics behind all that. Her love is conditional, he's afraid to lose her, blah blah blah. I get it.
BUT at his age, shouldn't he at least be starting to have his own mind? His own thoughts and feelings? We see nothing even remotely close to independent thought.
We were talking with my mom over the weekend. She knows everything that's going on. She said something that has really made me wonder. She said, "Someday he'll feel really guilty for how he treated you."
But will he? We're the ones who buy him clothes and shoes while BM gives him SF's hand-me-downs. We encourage him in school while BM places little to no importance on education. We allow him space to be a teen while teaching responsibility, while BM uses him as a free babysitter and has never even taught him how to make a bed. I taught him to tell time and address an envelope. Part of this has to know who's doing right by him and who isn't, but I'm really not sure.
Is there anyone out there with teen or adult skids who treated you like crap, then later admitted that they were wrong and apologized? It's not that we want SS15 to apologize or feel bad. We just want him to get his head out of the fog and face reality. Stop being so emotionally stunted. Is there hope?
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my stepfather's daughter was
my stepfather's daughter was like this.Major PAS case.When she grew up,instead of feeling guilty and being thankful she had tons of resentments and abandonment issues toward her father.She absolutely hated my mother too.
Not saying this will be your SS but it just shows how unpredictable these things are sometimes.
Yeah, I'm kinda feeling like
Yeah, I'm kinda feeling like he's a hopeless case. I have zero expectation that he'll come around any time soon. I'm hoping maybe as an adult, but DH and I are even pretty hopeless about that at this point.
I don't know if they ever
I don't know if they ever realize what we have done for them. All I know, is I keep waiting for my SD to see that her mother changed who she could have been by fighting custody and having no boundaries. But, she loves her and BM keeps giving her what she wants. Until BM wakes up and cuts off the purse strings, it is highly unlikely my SD will wake up.
Let's just say we're not
Let's just say we're not holding our breath. We'll be shocked at this point if he EVER sees his mother for who she is and appreciates anything we do (or try to do) for him.
Going though the same with my
Going though the same with my SD15. Just this weekend me and her BM got into a screaming match over this boy SD15 is obsessed with. SD15 has chased him for years, only for this boy to lead her on when he doesn't have a GF and dump her as soon as he finds someone else and SD15 comes homes devastated and won't get out of bed for days, crying herself to sleep. The last time it happened my husband said that's it, SD15 is to no longer to see him and BM said she agreed, but for weeks now when SD15 is with her BM she is always finding ways for her to be with this boy. BM is friends with the boys mother and they are always trying to push them together. So a huge fight happened over this weekend after weeks of it building up. My husband said something about it to them and of course they said SD15 and this are just friends, but it doesn't matter he has hurt her time and time again. BM defends the boy instead of trying to teach her daughter some self respect and somehow it became my fault and I was to blame. When it was my husband that was pissed. My husband got custody of her last November, because BM could not control her. SD15 was missing school because BM was letting her stay home to watch her other kids. SD15 who was 14 at the time was failing school and had to go to court twice for missing school so much. We were never told any of this until the second court date when we were to ask keep her out of the blue one day for a week. I told my husband that something doesn't seem right that I thought he needed to call the school and she if anything was going on and that's when the school said she had to be in court on Monday and had to be there or would have a warrant served on her. So BM was trying to set us up and get herself out the trouble and blame us. If he hadn't of called the school SD15 would have not went to court, because we had no idea about it and BM would have been there in court saying she was with us and didn't know way she wasn't there and way she has missed so much school and that's when my husband got custody of her, because we showed up to court. so BM blame SD15 for her missing school. She got up in court saying she was unruly and she couldn't control her. First time we had ever heard any of it. So we had to pay her court cost and probation fees, buy a whole new wardrobe (because her and her mom shared clothes) and take her to her community service everyday after school because she had 60 hours to do. By the end of school she was on the honor roll, done with all her community service and hadn't missed a single day of school. During summer she played on a traveling softball which was another $400 and I got the pleasure of taking her to all her games ever Saturday all day long and out of town. But as she says that's what I signed up for! No I think not. After I all do for her I'm still the evil stepmother that broke apart her family. Which I don't understand how that is since BM left my husband for his best friend (their divorced now, it last 2 years). We've been married 9. BM is the Best Mommy Ever (her caller ID for her on her phone which I pay for). No matter how times it happens I always forget the lesson that I will never be nothing more to her than a taxi and pay check and neither will my husband and her poor, mistreated BM will be on a pedestal. I am also counting down the days until graduation. She's a sophomore, so 2 more years after this one. 2 more years of ever other weekend when she is with her BM, she lets her run wild because their Best Friends and us having to always clean up the mess.
Is there anyone out there
Is there anyone out there with teen or adult skids who treated you like crap, then later admitted that they were wrong and apologized?
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Well not skid...but I was a terrible teen for a few years. I mean terrible. Once I hit 17ish I straightened up. (Due to my moms due diligence.. lol)
Same with my DD.
This is what sucks about step situations. Most all teens go through being asses. But in intact familys we have no choice but to deal with it and be there when they grow out of it.
In step family's, people are inclined to give up since kid is not around all the time.
Oh, we don't intend to give
Oh, we don't intend to give up. I hope my post didn't come across that way. We just may need to change our expectations. As long as SS15 chooses to be in our life, we'll continue to try. If he chooses to no longer come around due to PAS, we'll leave the door open but we won't chase him.
And yes...I did apologize to
And yes...I did apologize to my mom and my DD apologized to me. Teenagers suck. lol
Yes, my bd was a total
Yes, my bd was a total terrible teen and young adult. Things changed when I was not a doormat anymore. She actually did apologize. And has told me and other family members how wrong yes was. Sometimes there is a God.
If he chooses to no longer
If he chooses to no longer come around due to PAS, we'll leave the door open but we won't chase him.
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Well that's good. however, I do think your DH should contact him at least every week or so just to touch base, say Hi and such.
So is DH prepared to pay CS? I bet nasty BM is going to file as soon as kid stops going to your house.
He'll continue to try and
He'll continue to try and call, but no one ever answers the phone on that end. SS15 will occasionally call back when he sees it's DH, but he's usually too busy with his computer games or TV show to actually converse.
Yes, he is prepared to pay support. He won't have much choice if SS decides to be with BM full time. And in our state, if that's what a kid his age wants, that's what happens. CS will suck, we'll be giving her a couple thousand a month. Not looking forward to that. Then again, she always declined CS before. (Though DH would've had to pay very little since custody was 50/50, something like $20 a month.) DH says she has this issue with pride. Let's hope that continues!
we'll be giving her a couple
we'll be giving her a couple thousand a month.
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I think I would make the kid come at least for a little while. lol
Are you in a state that CS stops at 18? I hope so!!
Unfortunately, no. It's 21
Unfortunately, no. It's 21 here. We do plan to encourage him to come, but if he won't no court will force him at his age.
I go through this, too.
I go through this, too. There are times I get frustrated and just stop then I jump back in and try again. I hope that someday it'll be appreciated...or at least acknowledged! But I'm not holding my breath. I pretty much just do it now so that I know in my heart I tried.
People who emerge from PAS as
People who emerge from PAS as adults describe feeling tremendous shame. In order to avoid it, i find, my skids burrow more and more deeply into cognitive distortions that allow them to look at things from BM's deranged POV: your dad is an asshole who deserves this treatment.
NPD: He failed to appreciate the most wonderful person in the world - ME!
BPD: He abandoned me ( says the woman who kicked him out) -
Conclusion: no need for guilt, no empathy allowed.
(My OSD is 25 - one would think she has had enough time to process things while getting a masters in mental health - however, she is a carbon copy of BM - no guilt, no empathy, no shame.
Independent thinking? I don't think so. She independently continues along BM's track.)
BeAccountable posted a great link the other day which shows how PAS works in kids' minds -
it is "fall in line, or be psychologically annihilated" kind of bind.
http://drcraigchildressblog.com/2014/07/29/stark-reality/
Lots of vivid axamples on his blog.
Thanks for the link! Very
Thanks for the link! Very interesting stuff there....