Tired of learned helplessness with sd
Sd8 is whiney and acts helpless,getting dh to do things that she can absolutely do herself..it makes me want to barf..she is 8 for crying out loud.."daaaaddy,I want my chicken fingers cut up,"daaaaaddy carry meeeeee!!"...so annoying and unnecessary,she is just like her bm 
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If I had it to do over again,
If I had it to do over again, I would have called those types of behaviors out on the spot as they were happening and said it all directly to the skid.
Instead, I sat there silent waiting for DH to correct the inappropriate behavior. Then when it didn't happen, I had to sit there silently for the rest of the dinner/trip/outing/whatever just stewing about it and basically being disgusted by the skid and my DH. Then when DH and I were alone, I would say something about the inappropriate behavior to him and he would get defensive. Lather, rinse, repeat.
So for example, from now on, when DH's 11stb12 son eats with his mouth open, I'm going to say something to him at the table. "Joking" around of course. }:) There are things that bother DH, like begging and whining for things when we are out shopping so he actually does put an immediate stop to it. But there are so many other things that he just doesn't seem to care about
I like this advice too, but
I like this advice too, but I'm surprised to see it. Most SMs on here have been telling me to disengage from my SD and make my husband step up.
You make some good points.
You make some good points. I'm looking at my situation differently now.
I'm thinking I don't want to be as actively involved in my SD's life (which includes making rules and punishing her if she misbehaves - that should be on my husband). But if she does something disrespectful to me, I definitely have a right to deal with it.
Not just "disrespectful"
Not just "disrespectful" things...ANNOYING things, too. You do not have to deal with annoying kids in your house by ignoring them or going into another room. SD8 has a loud voice and she often yells when she's standing right next to you (attention-seeking). We already have a rule about using inside voices while you're inside, but Daddy doesn't notice his loud ass kids...so when I'm forced to spend time with them, I don't put up with their annoying behaviors. I would be waiting forever for SO to notice and correct them! If SD yells at me in conversation, I call her out ("Gee, you're loud. You do realize I'm standing 1 foot away, right?") or I yell right back OBVIOUSLY making fun of her. She gets a kick out of that, but knows what I'm doing. I think that she respects me because I see through her manipulation.
This is true too. No one
This is true too. No one should have to put up with any kind of rude/annoying/bad behavior from kids in their home.
I usually have to remind my husband that my SD has rules at all the other places she goes (besiders her BM's house). School, daycare, Girl Guides, etc.....all of these places have rules that she is expected to follow. If she was misbehaving at one of these places, someone would say something to her about it and there might be a consequence (I hope). If other people who are not her parents (teachers, babysitters, group leaders, etc.) can give her rules and correct her when she's out of line, shouldn't I also be able to? Especially in my own home, where I have spent a lot of time, effort and money on this child?
I might have just contradicted myself here. On one hand I want to disengage, on the other hand I want to still be able to run my household the way I see fit. Step-life sucks.
Most SMs on here have been
Most SMs on here have been telling me to disengage from my SD and make my husband step up.
Yes, but if he won't....
This is very true. That's a
This is very true. That's a battle too. I'm just thinking I can change what I choose to engage in. If it doesn't have a direct effect on me then I won't engage. He can choose to step up it allow his daughter to misbehave.
For instance, my SD always whines at supper and fools around. My DH doesn't usually correct her behaviour so I've been doing it. I guess maybe I need to remember that it doesn't really matter to me if she eats her supper or not, so I should just leave it up to him if he wants to deal with it or not.
That's basically what I did,
That's basically what I did, engaged when I felt like I needed to. I was lucky, though, my SD23 was not a bad kid and my DH did not coddle her.
My SD isn't that bad either,
My SD isn't that bad either, really. She seems to go through phases though. Lately her BM and grandma have put it into her head that I'm mean because I have rules, and I can tell that she doesn't want to be at our house. Because of this, she mopes around and whines about everything. She lies and doesn't want to listen. I hope it passes soon.
Oh poor child, having to
Oh poor child, having to follow rules. LOL.
I hear you. I have a SD6 who
I hear you. I have a SD6 who is similar. I'm in a difficult place because I've recently become the wicked stepmother, so anything little thing I say to her gets back to her BM, who takes it to her lawyer as "evidence" of me mistreating or neglecting my SD.
Your husband should really step up. I wish mine would too.
I do one of two things. The
I do one of two things.
The first step is to look at my husband and give him that 'This is pathetic. Tell your kid to do it herself.'
And if that doesn't work, 'I say, 'You're 8 years old. You need to learn to cut up your own meat!'
My husband does the same with my bios. He calls one of my 6 year olds 'Baby MayMay' (a play on his name) if he starts whining or doesn't want to do something on his own. It honestly makes the whiney kid laugh and get over himself.
Now when I get on my husband is when something like this happens...
We were at a water park this weekend and took my two sons (both age 6) up to do a large water slide they had never done before. I said 'we better grab double tube in case one of them gets scared and won't go down by himself, we can go with them' and my husband pouted because he knew we'd wait longer for double tubes and said 'If they get scared, we'll put them in and give them a push down'
I thought to myself if skid7 was up there at the top, he would NEVER just put HIS daughter in if she was upset and 'give her a push'.
It's really when he says things to my boys that I know he wouldn't do the same with his kids that bugs me.
It's really when he says
It's really when he says things to my boys that I know he wouldn't do the same with his kids that bugs me.
Amen, sista, amen. That double standards shit is what bothered me the most probably.
I hear you on it being
I hear you on it being annoying. If BM has her way SD4 wil also be helpless all her life expecting other people to help. Or SD can be exposed to an example that she can be a strong independent person who can do things for yourself. When SO starts to give in, I remind him that by giving into her today he is enabling her to be just like her mom.