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Fiancée still feels like a single parent

Jrmadden's picture

Submitted by Jrmadden on Fri, 08/01/2014 - 10:40pm

My fiancée has a two year old son. His father was out of the picture from three months until here recently. I love my step son like he is my own.

My fiancee told me tonight that she feels like she is a single parents at times, like she is still doing this on her own. She told me that i need to put myself in her shoes more. She is pregnant with our child, this one will be my first baby. I dont want to be a bad father to my own child, but if i cant do the step parenting thing, how am i going to be a dad to my own when he/she is born?

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Jrmadden's picture

Submitted by Jrmadden on Fri, 08/01/2014 - 10:45pm

Gubm?

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Fri, 08/01/2014 - 10:56pm

Ask her (try to stay calm although I can tell her words have hurt you very much) anyway, ask her in what ways she feels you are letting her/your ss down. What areas does SHE see you as needing to step up in. Hear her out, it WILL hurt some more, but don't react to that or get defensive, hear her, think about her words - tell her you need some time to process what she has said if you feel that you do.

Take some time if needed and really give her concerns serious consideration - is she right, does she have valid points? Is she wrong, misunderstanding anything. HOW do YOU feel about her points? Try and stay calm and not get defensive or justifying. When you have clear in your head how you feel etc then go back and talk to her again - try and talk to her - tell her that you have given her concerns serious consideration, you understand how she feels (this is NOT the same as agreeing with her - it just lets her know that you GET what she is saying) Then tell her how YOU feel about it all. Again (yes I have said this a few times - for good reason - it's important!!) STAY CALM, TALK RATIONALLY AND DON'T GET DEFENSIVE, the idea is to discuss and allay both of your concerns and fears, not to judge each other or hurt each other.

Yes, she has already hurt you, she may be GUBM, or she may just be hormonal and irrational, or she may have valid concerns - we can't decide that. Facts are though, you love her, you love your ss and you have a new baby on the way (congrats BTW Smile ) so your BEST outcome for all of you is to try and communicate in a loving way with her.

But I am sorry she has hurt your feelings in this way.

BadFairyII's picture

Submitted by BadFairyII on Fri, 08/01/2014 - 11:50pm

Don't let her put doubts in your mind that you are going to be a bad father, just because you don't measure up in her eyes as a stepparent. If you love this kid as if he were you own, and that's not enough, maybe the problem isn't you, but her expecations. What specific ares does she claim you fall short in?

There are plenty of parents who aren't good stepparents, for a lot of different reasons. Don't consider yourself a bad dad just yet.