SS and the "Feelings Doctor" Part 2
Yeah, there is a part 2 to this story. You know how movie sequels tend to be worse than the original (with the exception of Aliens), this story is no different.
So I started talking about SS’s child therapist and how I don’t think SS drawing and “throwing paper balls at his Mom” is appropriate therapy. At SS’s age, he should be able to sit down and have an honest conversation without being treated like a child who witnessed a murder…(no I didn’t say it like that, I was being very rational and concerned about this).
DW reacted as if I accused her son of being a “retard”…
I had to repeat to DW that I am NOT attacking SS. Nor was I attacking the therapist. The therapist did some good work with SS once upon a time when SS was still a child and – for lack of better words – “unstable”. However, that time is past and I don’t see anything in terms of progress anymore. If you let SS act and behave like an immature brat for an hour (again, I didn’t say it like that), what are we trying to accomplish here? Are we really giving SS some useful insights on how to deal with the day-to-day challenges? Or are we telling him it is okay to act like a kid half his age all the time?
I tried repeating/re-xplaining to DW several times, but each time I re-worded my concerns, the more agitated she got. She kept saying “you’re not a therapist, so what do you know?” Finally, having reached a proverbial brick wall I just ended this by saying. “You know what? I never wanted to start a fight over this. You want to keep bringing SS to these expensive daycare sessions until he is 18 or 28…be my guest!”
Cue the silent treatment…
The next day, I tore off the May page on the calendar and was putting down some notes including SS’s exam schedule. DW comes in, points to a day mid-June and said. “I would like you to come with me to the child therapist on this day. You can tell her everything you told me last night.”
I looked at DW and said “Sure!”
So yeah...There's going to be a Part 3...
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No no, not an "image" of DW.
No no, not an "image" of DW. SS would actually crumble paper balls and throw them AT DW. This is supposed to "Allow SS to release some tension" he was feeling. This may have worked as a psychology ploy to get SS to open up when he was 6 or 7. SS is 14 now and is still doing these little "arts & crafts" projects that my BS does at daycare and yes, SS is still throwing paper balls about.
Oh and aparently SS was asked by both DW and the therapist if he still wanted to come to the session. SS said yes.
Well Duh! Of course he's gonna say yes!
That's like asking me "Hey Drac0, you want to come to a meeting where we get to do whatever we want and throw bean bags at the bosses?" SIGN ME THE F*CK UP!
LOL! Where I work, kids stop
LOL!
Where I work, kids stop going to play therapy at 12, and begin regular adolescent therapy at 13.
Well put ripley! Contrary
Well put ripley! Contrary what some of my detractors say, I am not a complete jerk. I am always diplomatic when it comes to – well pretty much everything actually - and this is especially true when it comes to talking to DW about SS. Even though I know it is going to put me in the dog house, I would rather speak my mind than try to avoid ruffling DW’s feathers. I always try to end our arguments with “Don’t you and I want the same thing for SS!?”. The answer is always yes.
Come on DracO, your SS can't
Come on DracO, your SS can't even wash himself properly. I always laugh about the greasy hair right after a shower. How could you expect him to have a meaningful conversation about his feelings when he is too helpless to wash himself? You are asking WAY too much of him. HAHAHA I would never condone physical violence but how did you hold back from wanting to shake your wife during this conversation?
You got me. I don't know why
You got me. I don't know why I am expecting SS to behave like a normal teenager. Actually I am beginning to wonder if there is such a thing as normal teenagers? Granted, one of the modus operandi of normal teenagers is to drive their parents crazy, but....yeah...Sometimes, I really do think I am asking too much...
My suggestion is for you to
My suggestion is for you to make a list of the things you see the SS doing and saying. Take it with you to the counselor and read it off, that way you won't forget anything. And say these are not normal things for a child this age to be doing, what is your action plan to help us correct these problems? Your DW is going to be really pissed off but maybe it will open the eyes of the counselor that the SS is playing her/him.
Oh trust me...I already
Oh trust me...I already started working on my script!
You should! If you go in
You should! If you go in there unprepared your DW and SS are going to make you look like the devil in the flesh. Have lots of evidence and keep your calm in there.
My grandmother told me when I had my BD11 to raise her in a way that other people would love her and love to be around her. I've always been very tough but fair and my child is sweet and has good manners and is just a loveable kid. Every mother should strive to raise their child that way. Ask you DW doesn't she want SS to be loved, well adjusted, ready for the real world? Or does she plan to let him live up her ass and throw paper balls at her head forever?
I'd be careful about the word
I'd be careful about the word "normal" though. Saying he is not normal is pretty much asking for a DW meltdown.
Yes but the "normal" teenager
Yes but the "normal" teenager is driving their parents crazy mostly because of the very natural instinct to push away from their parents. If, as a parent, you find the right balance between protecting them and letting them the crazy part is short lived.
at least what you said seems
at least what you said seems to have sunk in a bit. i have to do that w/ dh sometimes- instead of repeating and rewording until i think he 'gets' it, sometimes i'll say my peace, and walk away to let him stew on it.
looking forward to part 3.
I think so... Or at least I
I think so...
Or at least I hope so. I think Dw is more concerned about cancelling these sessions outright because she says it does her some good too. Okay fine, but the whole point of these sessions is not for DW to feel better but for SS to feel better.
My kids and I saw the same
My kids and I saw the same therapist after their father's suicide. They were 15 and 18 when we started seeing him. Sometimes we went together, sometimes we went alone. I'm sure he adjusted his approach for each of us but it has helped each of us in our own way. I thought it was particularly helpful for me when dealing with my BD. At 15 it was particularly difficult for her. She was very close to her dad and she and I had had a difficult relationship at times. She really didn't understand depression and anxiety or how sick her dad was. Right or wrong, I protected her from that reality. The therapist helped me understand the motivations behind her behavior. It helped her learn to ask for what she wanted without throwing fits or using guilt and manipulation.
I have been through therapy
I have been through therapy myself. After I split up from my ex, I found myself in a bad place. But the ultimate goal of therapy is to give the patient some tools/insights so that they don't need therapy anymore. SS has been seeing this therapist for almost a decade now and there is no end in sight!
Yeah, let's learn how to
Yeah, let's learn how to degrade people by throwing trash at them. This'll teach him! :O
I think the therapist
I think the therapist specializes in troubled children and not troubled teenagers.
Draco...I'm glad you spoke to
Draco...I'm glad you spoke to her but I seriously doubt things will change.
The therapist doesn't want to lose a client and your DW doesn't want your SS to grow up.
Taking him to an age appropriate counselor will inevitably change the dynamics of their relationship. Something your DW is not willing to do at this point.
Good luck with this. I watched the train wreck that was skids counseling for over two years. To the point where the counselor fired the skid as a patient after skid moved back with Uberskank. There were some obvious manipulation going on and it took less than 10 days of living with her mother to completely change the skid. The counselor wasn't surprised by this, however she thought it would take months rather than days.
The only way I see things
The only way I see things changing is if SS picks up an extra-curricular activity on the nights that SS has a scheduled appointment with the therapist and he convices DW that this new extra-curricular is more important that the "paper ball target practice" sessions.
That still boggles my
That still boggles my mind.
No qualified therapist should ever encourage a child to act out against a parent. EVER.
Had I been in your DW's shoes, I would have fired that therapist tout de suite.
DW was taken aback at first
DW was taken aback at first and actually made the move to make SS stop at the first occurence and it was the therapist that said it was okay, so DW took a step back and allowed SS to play target practice with her as the target.
FYI, this doesn't go on every single session, but the fact that it still goes on now that SS is 14 signifies to me that something is definetly wrong.
But even if SS wasn't doing this (crumple paper ball throwing), I still wonder about the effectiveness of "art therapy" for a 14-year-old. Like someone else said above, this usually stops at the age of 12.