Mom, not mom, Mom, not mom....the never ending emotional roller coaster with SD15
Since I am new here just a brief synopsis
Met DH when SD was 1, we dated for 3 1/2 years, got married in 2003 and have been together since. DH and I have a bio son age 10. BM was involved and un-crazy for quite some time. After her 3rd marriage ended (DH was husband #1) she kinda, okay she went plain out stupid. Basically chasing dick was her side job. Sad as it sounds but hey, gotta put it out there. She married husband #4 after only 3 months dating, we find out some things, validate those things (drug use, drug selling, vehicular homicide, etc.) and DH files for custody of SS & SD and husband #3 files for custody of his and BM's bio child. Both dads get emergency then permenant custody. SS is 18 now moved out, with a child of his own, in trade school, doing his thing. Great, good, adios muchachos!
SD15 has an on/off/on/off relationship with BM. SD is very recluse, not talkative, selfish and unthoughtful...BUT she is also not too awful despite her bad qualities. I love this kid like she was my own. She is very athletic and plays both softball and basketball. I can count on 2 hands the games of hers i have missed. I've taken her to tournaments, practices, games, banquets, etc. Most of which BM did not attend because she was too busy with SS (obvious favorite). That always seemed to sting SD15, but she would always go back to BM because, well she would bribe her with something and all would smooth over for a minute or two then back to normal. Plus BM is her mom, every child craves a relationship with their mom. FYI - DH attends what he can, his work schedule is much less flexible than mine, plus for a long while he worked weekends/nights and/or had to travel out of town.
Anyhow - when SD is on the outs with BM things are obviously much better than when she is talking to BM. There was once a time when SD asked if she could call me mom. Now, this made me a little squirmy only cuz I am not her mom, her mom is still around and could become sane again at some point. I told her that it is up to her. She never started calling me mom. Thank goodness.
My real issues have evolved as of late with SD. And I do think it is because I can't understand her for one, for two she reminds me too much of BM, in the bad ways. Does anyone else have that issue? Those genetic faults that they can't help, that are etched into their DNA and even if they tried couldn't be any other way? It's all the bad qualities too, which makes it worse. Using people for gain, being selfish. I honestly don't think she can help it!!! I still love her, I know who she is and I accept it but I don't know how to deal with it without sounding like a naggy bitch because I just don't get it.
DH points out from time to time that I am much more harsh on SD than I am our bio son. Well for one DS is talkative, thoughtful, helpful, sweet, and embraces responsiblitly. Not much to really get on to him about to be honest. SD is the opposite. Should I disengage? To what point should I? It caused an argument between DH and I last night, or really more of a rant on his part which ended up really hurting my feelings. DH is my person and I am willing to do what is necessary to keep our marriage alive, but it will be obvious if I disengage because I am so envolved. Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!! 
:? :O
- PleasantEnough's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Oh God - but how I don't want
Oh God - but how I don't want to hurt DH....ohhhhhh I need to figure this one out!!! I think I've spent the past 14 years getting myself into a pickle!
Me & DH agreed a long time
Me & DH agreed a long time ago to NOT talk about BM around SS and/or SD. They probably get enough of that when they are with her, they don't need it with us. Plus "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothing at all". Welp that is exactly what we did!
I do think that there is a
I do think that there is a point when talking about anyone that is bad for someone else is fruitless. I have a friend who is in a bad relationship - for some time our circle of friends talked to her about it, but when it became apparent that she kept going back and putting herself into the situation, we had to tell her that if she was going to keep causing herself so much drama we didn't want to hear about him and all the nasty, bad things he does.
Its the same with the skids - you just have to shut up about it. I stopped speaking to my bio dad at age 13, he was a shitty person and I have only written him twice since. Im 32 now. I guess with SD i also expect the same sane rationale out of her that I had about me, but each person is different still.
Im sure most would agree that life would be a little easier if the BM/BF just dissapeared, not dead, cuz that is bad thoughts and I try not to think those, but just go away to never been seen or heard from again.
That would be wonderful, I
That would be wonderful, I just know SD is going to be hard to read during a conversation. She never tells us anything, she doesn't even argue with either of us! When we had her in counseling (after divorce #3 with BM) the doc had a hard time with her cuz she don't say nuthin! She is no normal teenage girl. It's just odd, but each person is their own and deals with life as it works best for them. I just need to figure something out.
I do know I need to pipe the f*** down when it comes to DH & SD. That is what got the ball rolling yesterday. He was going to take her shopping (he had taken her the day before and got her 4 pairs of shorts) and since we are going on vacay in 2 weeks I just advised he had already gotten her shorts and she didn't need any more headbands as she has a jewelry box full of them.
**note one of the bad qualities is she knows daddy don't pay attention to s*** so she can say I NEED more headbands but that isn't the case, she knows better than to ask me that stuff.
You're playing Scrabble and
You're playing Scrabble and monitoring Steptalk at the same time?? How do you do it all??
Tog - I was vague, and sorry
Tog - I was vague, and sorry for that. I think I was trying to condense as much as possible so it wasnt so drawn out and zzzzzzzzzzzzz! He rarely "comes down" on me about SD. I honestly, knowing DH, think there were other things behind the curtain bothering him and me saying something first thing in the morning was what knocked the glass over. So much of what he said was out of left field. It was really odd to be honest. Im not mad, just hurt. Trust that I don't let him walk all over me. We wouldn't have gotten thru SS18 if I did. He was a terror!!! Juvi, drugs, drinking....the whole 9 yards on that one. But alas, I didn't poke the bear, and just let him vent out frustration, cloaked by my "dislike" for SD. Words hurt, and stick. I can't say that i haven't said things just to hurt.
Aside from his childish rant, I do know SD15 best. I am certain I know her better than BM, or any of BM's family. I can read her like a book, and see right thru her. DH is much easier to fool than I and that is why most times SD goes to DH for things or permission than I.
I don't think you are being
I don't think you are being unfair to SD. What would be unfair would be for you to not expect the same standards from her as your BS! I think that you and DH need to have a more calm conversation about your feelings. When my DH says I'm being mean or unfair, I explain that I want so much for my skid, so I am going to discipline and expect certain things, because skid deserves to have a good life! Not all kids are the same, some kids need more help understanding than others.
YES YES YES..... "she reminds
YES YES YES..... "she reminds me too much of BM, in the bad ways. Does anyone else have that issue? Those genetic faults that they can't help, that are etched into their DNA and even if they tried couldn't be any other way? It's all the bad qualities too, which makes it worse. Using people for gain, being selfish. I honestly don't think she can help it!!!"
My SD 11 is an exact replica of BM!! I feel sorry for her because it's not her fault but when those horribly unacceptable mean qualities come shining through, it just sets my nerves on fire!
Instead of responding to each
Instead of responding to each individually I am going to list responses here.
Sueu2 - EXACTLY! I really need to clarify where this came from, as I responded to tog above the entire argument wasnt about SD, but it was started about SD and there was SD sprinkled in. Thats why I said it got the ball rolling. There was so much stuff he carried on about, that i was like whaaaaaaaaa :jawdrop: So I do think there was something bothering him, prior to my comments, that just opened them damn flood gates. Now I just need to find out what that is. Its hard to do that cuz DH aint an expressive person when it comes to feelings, but i've got him figured out after 14 years.
Aside from that it did make me think, "am I unfair with SD?" I am going to have to self reflect on that one. Like you said try keeping my mouth shut about some things. I don't have to say SOMETHING about EVERYTHING. Kinda just let it alone for a while and see how things go.
brooklynsmom86 - lol at the "snowflake" comment! Im saving that to my mental vault!
fakemommy - I do hold them both to the same standards. Here is the difference. BS cares, SD doesn't. One of those bad qualities again.
For example - I go off of a rewards system. IMO you don't get something for nothing. Allowance is earned by doing chores etc. BS has his list and SD has hers. She may do half where as BS does all. So guess who gets money put into their bank regularly BS. DH has never said a bad thing about it. He agrees.
Also - to my new found step parent coalition - if at any time I say something and it sounds stupid, crazy or just plain insane....call me out on it. I try to self reflect but one of my bad qualities is I have a hard time seeing myself in the wrong. Yes, I am and "I'm always right" person and I get extreme joy out of saying "I told you so". Please forgive me :O I do think being here, with others will help me to see what I cant see within myself to get this right for the next few years until I am no longer a practicing step mom!