My kids were left alone by Stepmother

I came across this today on another forum. Imagine, another complaining BM who left her kids with SM for an extra day.

http://www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message919622/pg1

"Am I over-reacting?

My kids were at their Dad's this weekend and stayed an extra night.

I had teacher conferences at the elementary school this morning. As I was leaving, I saw the new wife walking their three dogs. I drove up to her an asked, "Who's with the kids?" She replied flatly, "Nobody". She was about a half a mile from the home at that time.

I immediately drove to their house and collected my 9 and 7 year old along with her 3 year old. I drove back to where she was and left her son with her. I then asked if she could make it back okay with the 3 year old and her dogs. She said yes. I told her NOT to leave them alone again! We exchanged a few words and I left.

Am I being too over-protective?"

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Those kids shouldn't have

Those kids shouldn't have been with SM in the first place since dad was out of town. She had all sorts of reasons why she doesn't like the SM, so why leave the kids with her? Idiot.

No matter how/why the SKs

No matter how/why the SKs ended up with SM, leaving the oldest two home alone with the three year old was wrong. BM removing the three year old from the home was wrong as well.

Now, if BM wanted to be a real bitch, she could have put her two in the car and called the police and told them the 3 year old was in home alone.

Yup, BM may have been waiting

Yup, BM may have been waiting for this moment and the SM was stupid enough to hand it to her on a silver platter.

Kids here have been snatched out of homes by CPS because mothers made the dumb choice to leave them home alone for a quick minute. During that quick minute a fire starts, a kid falls out of the window, a kid walks out of the apartment, a kidbgets his hands on a gun, a kid falls down a elevator shaft.....shit happens. You dont take chances with your.

You're right about both BM

You're right about both BM and SM being in the wrong. I think BM should have stayed in the home with the three kids until SM came back. I'm going to assume BM did not have a proper car seat for the 3 y/o, so not safe on that end, either.

She took time to go back to

She took time to go back to the school to ask the school secretary a question. I think that was wasting her time. I don't think it's wasting her time to watch over children who she thought needed supervision since she seemed to have all this time on her hands, LOL!! BM didn't HAVE to do anything, but she did something "I" think was a mistake. I don't agree with your solution of leaving a 3 y/o alone. Nothing more, nothing less.

>>>The three year old wasn't

>>>The three year old wasn't her kid. No, she has no obligation to watch SM's kid.<<<

Which brings me back to the skids should not have been there in the first place. Problem solved. Win-Win. Huzzah!

Ticks on an ant. TICKS!

Totally agree.

Why is the SM kissing her

Why is the SM kissing her lucky stars? Because the BM could have gotten the police involved and the SM leaving her 3 yo in the 'care' of a 9 yo did something wrong? Yet it may not have been illegal at all depending on how long the SM was really gone and other factors.

However, if the BM called the police and it came to light that she illegally entered her ex's home and removed children in his custody and put one in danger by driving without a car seat, then she would be charged with breaking and entering, trespassing, child endangerment and kidnapping of all three kids.

Let's get serious about who really did wrong here. There's the 'laws' of what we think is right, and then there are the actual legal laws that result in actual criminal charges. Not just online rah-rah-rah.

LOL, The thread was from

LOL, The thread was from 2009, I was starting to write a response to her just as I discovered it was old, and read all the posts from today, which were obviously from Steptalkers, way to go guys!!!

This was going to be my post:

You did way more than overreact, what you did was abusive to both the stepparent and the children.

By your actions you alienated your children from their step mother. You stressed them out and taught them to fear their neighborhood, and devalued their step mother in their eyes. And taught them that they need to depend on you to "rescue" them, and that they are not safe with their step mom. Another way to have handled it, would have been to contact your ex and calmly discuss your concerns, instead of making a scene. Maybe they have discussed emergency plans already, maybe your 9 year old can use a phone and call SM's cell or 911 in an emergency while she was within a few blocks. I think it's time you look at your actions and evaluate if you practice other alienating behaviors. This is a form of child abuse. It's called PAS. Hopefully she was able to defuse any trauma you inflicted.

You are claiming that only

You are claiming that only Bio Parent can be alienated from a child. I disagree. In the books I've read on it, the alienation generally start with the bio parent, but also extend it other bio relatives and step family member. This was a passive aggressive move on BM's part, and indicates alienating behavior. Indeed I don't know if PAS exists, I was merely pointing out the behavior. I don't really think what SM did was wrong, the 3 YO was not alone. She did overact and created drama and potentially traumatized the kids.

It's all good.

I know, right????!!! lol!

It's in the comments. I

It's in the comments. I forget if it's page 1 or 2.

Right? What was BM's real

Right? What was BM's real agenda.

I would agree with this 100%

I would agree with this 100% under normal circumstances. In this case, the SM's poor choice put all three kids in danger. BM did the right thing by stepping in to protect her kids. I think dads should do the samething if a mom's poor choices put the kids danger. Get the kids out of the situation ASAP then deal with the courts later.

If your way of doing things in your home puts your SK's safety and well-being in danger, then BM should take action.

Did she go INTO the home? She could have rang the bell or called and told her kids to come out. How many blogs have been posted about BMs using older kids to babysit their younger kids? Those moms are called every evil name in the book. Why is it OK for a SM to use SKs as sitters, but not BMs??

What would have been

What would have been different if grandma and DD were home?

Maybe time to call 911, maybe not. Maybe no more grandma and no more DD. How is an adult present during a home invasion different from not?

I wasn't making light of your

I wasn't making light of your tragedy. Your tragedy just has no place in this discussion.

My 'logic' is that bad things happen. In the case of a home invasion, having more people in the home doesn't matter. The danger is there. In the case of a kid starting a fire, having more people in the home does matter. A more mature person is more capable of preventing a tragedy.

I already said, although you keep arguing so I guess you don't want to hear me, that the entire situation should never have happened.

Of course a 9 yo shouldn't be home alone and responsible for two toddlers. That's ridiculous.

Of course no one should run into someone else's home and take their kids. That's also ridiculous.

I'm not pro BM or SM. I'm pro using your brain. I'm pro not breaking the law. I'm pro treating others with respect. I'm pro not being a jerk.

I think all three of the

I think all three of the adults, BM, SM and Dad are ding dongs for leaving a three year old with a 7 and 9 year old. I don't care how responsible the older kids are. Dad or SM could've asked a neighbor to come sit with the kids while she took the dogs for a run. BM was an asshole of the highest order for taking the three year old. She could've just sat there with the kids until SM got home. And SM unintentionally gave BM the moment she's been waiting for- to get CPS and God knows who else involved in it. Hopefully she cooled off after awhile and didn't do that. But I hope all three of the adults involved examined the roles they played in this and take steps to make sure they're not repeated.

Honestly, HRNYC, you are so

Honestly, HRNYC, you are so adept at arguing I wonder what your actual premise is sometimes. In this thread you have argued that SM is the parent and should not have left kids alone and simultaneously argued that SM is not a parent and cannot be a victim of PAS. You are angrily sitting on the fence, it seems!

In the past I have really enjoyed your comments because your point of view tends to inspire discussion. However, it seems that you are not interested in a particular point of view as much as you are interested in polarizing your views to any view that came before. That quality really undermines any sense of value or character you put forth. I admit I'm personally and intellectually disappointed to learn your goal is to scatter the seeds of dissent, rather than to challenge assumptions.

Any adult left with kids has

Any adult left with kids has to take care of them? The kids are not theirs, they have no legal responsibility nor rights, but they must take care of the kid(s)?

There is the 'duty to act' law, which requires people in certain roles to fulfil those roles. So a doctor must take medical action, a firefighter take firefighting action, etc. However, except in a very few jurisdictions, 'duty to act' applies only while the person is on duty and getting paid for being a doctor or being a firefighter.

Unless this 'any adult' is a professional care-giver to minors, currently on duty and getting paid as such, such as a nanny or a daycare worker DURING working hours, then no, 'any adult' does not have any legal obligation to these children.

Well, it's different if you

Well, it's different if you AGREE to look after the kids. We don't know if that's the case at all. In fact, it *could* be that dad was in the shower at home or that a babysitter was on the toilet while this took place.

I think you're correct, IF the situation is really where the SM is quite a distance away and has been gone for the significant time suggested while three kids are left home alone with no way or ability to contact a reliable adult, then this was a really stupid and dangerous choice on the SM's part.

However, the BM handled this situation in the most disruptive way possible. This throws immediate doubt that the rest of her story is accurate. The BM is the only person who we know for sure broke laws, the only person we know for sure interfered with the safety and security of someone else's kid, and the only person we know for sure who has an axe to grind with the ex and the SM.

I think that would have been

I think that would have been less disruptive. Then the BM wouldn't have broken countless laws and the 'truth' of the matter would have been brought to light.

And I don't believe you. You have no more information than I do, unless you have magical powers.

What do you do, in your personal situation as a parent, when you have to pee? What about when the baby's sleeping? Do you sit and watch to ensure no harm?

See, I can do ridiculous too!

If the BM who posted was 100%

If the BM who posted was 100% correctly informed and provided 100% correct information - if the surface facts are the sum total of events, then both the SM and BM are idiots and neither should havd kids around. SM for leaving the kids alone and BM for wandering into other people's home to take their kid for a car ride without a car seat.

However, you're assuming information just like I am. You're not stupid, and neither am I. You know the agreement to watch the kids was the SM watching the skids. If that confused you, I'd be very surprised.

If I had the kind of BM who is still so angry that my DH left the relationship several years ago and refused to dump me to go running back to her that she is posting vitriol on online forums to try to vilify me for going to AA, then when she's driving around accosting me while I'm walking my dog, I'd reply SARCASTICALLY that no one was watching the kids. Because the BM knows the skids are in my DH's custody and it's beyond ridiculous that she's scandalized that I'm taking my dog for a walk in the meantime.

It's just so irrelevant. If you take your dog for a walk, and your cousin sees you, brakes, hops out of the car and comes dashing to you to ask frantically, "Who's watching DD??" do you take that seriously? I wouldn't.

My neighbours sometimes ask me where my own DD is. I tell them, oh, with her granny or with her dad. But if someone dared act like I'm an irresponsible parent, I'd respond exactly the way the SM in the story did. Because it's all BS and I'm not going to pretend to have a real conversation with a crazy person.

And if that happened to me, I'd call the police on the BM for her behaviour. I wouldn't hop in my car and go kidnap her kids back. I just don't buy the BM's story, the rest of her actions show her to be an impulsive, self-righteous and passive-aggressive individual who seems to be driven to demonize the woman her former husband now loves.

Normal people, no matter what the provocation, don't run into homes they don't live in, remove children that aren't theirs - putting that child in danger, by the way - unless the kids are in actual danger at the moment (like, burning building). Normal people don't go to the school to try to lay the groundwork of innocence before 'rescuing' their kids from imminent harm.

IF the story the BM tells is 100% accurate - that the SM is a drunk, no adults anywhere around, SM far away from home, kids panicking - then the BM should have helped her kids by calling the police so that normal steps to intervene could take place. What she did was the most wrong thing to have done and did the most harm to the most people. And I don't just don't believe her intentions were remotely altruistic or motherly. I think she was trying to make trouble for her ex and his wife.

Like I said, IF the BM's

Like I said, IF the BM's report is 100% accurate, then yes, you're right.

Do you think the BM's report appears, on the face of it, to be complete and reflects the actions of a normal person?

One has a responsibility to be careful what one chooses to believe. The people posting here about how they would also run into their ex's home and remove his kids while in his custody are not being realistic. That choice is just not normal. When you don't like something happening in someone else's home, there is very little normal people can do about it. Crazy people break the law to get what they want, because what they want is the only thing that matters.

Because BM provided several examples of her own inappropriate, entitled, self-serving and illegal behaviour, I tend to discount the rest of her story as well.

I won't debate this point with you further. You're entitled to your opinion, but if your opinion is informed only by the heat of your emotions without the use of your intelligence, then your opinion is not worthy of my energy to debate.

Bravo, Moeilijk! VERY well

Bravo, Moeilijk! VERY well put!

I'm starting to think some of

I'm starting to think some of you must live in Mayberry.LOLOLOL

I can't tell you how many times kids here have been placed in foster care as a result of mom leaving them alone for a short time. Leaving the oldest two alone would have been fine. This is an area where it's common for kids to travel to and from school on city buses and subways without parents. So it's not like we try to wrap kids in bubble wrap.

...maybe... maybe this is a

...maybe... maybe this is a cultural thing...? When I was 9, I was helping babysit the neighbors kids (also Chinese) who were 3 and 4. I mean, my parents were somewhere in the house but our house was really big (8 bedrooms big). We were left alone for hours. My parents started letting us stay home alone at like 8, and 7... we knew the house rules by then very, very well, and always followed them.

In Japan, 5-6 year olds are walking to school or picking up groceries by themselves and helping to cook.

A friend of ours who is Japanese, never thought it weird to leave her 1 year old with her 5-6 year old while she ran a few errands. Her older son, 5 at the time, would sit next to the baby for all 10 minutes while his mom was gone, watching vigilantly because it was ingrained into him that his little brother was HIS. They have a hive mentality that starts extremely early.

I agree with some of those posters that kids these days seem to be so sheltered with no sense of independence. I think this is a problem, from my perspective anyway because I come from a different background of raising children where we stress the ability to become an adult very early, only because it's a step issue. I would have flipped if BM picked up my child without my knowledge or permission. She could have called or asked, if she was going to take her kids.

Haha, heck, I do things these days that make other mothers look at me like, are you effing crazy? Like I let BD crawl around in the kitchen while I'm cooking. My mother lets BD crawl around while cooking too, she did it when my sister and I were little, as my grandmother did for us and her. But holy shit, tell another mommy you do this, and all of a sudden it's "You are endangering the welfare of your child! What if she gets a hold of a knife?!? What if you drop something on her?!?" and I'm all, "People, just because I'm cooking doesn't mean I'm automatically blind and stupid to safety. I don't even cut myself or spill things on myself. You think that's gonna happen to my child?" but in hindsight, it's really just based on how we grew up that determines what is a level of acceptable risk for us. Maybe SM grew up in a family where it was normal to leave their kids at home as long as there was someone older to watch them, so who knows?

See this is where it gets me

See this is where it gets me because now I'm paranoid. I garden while BD is in her room (childproofed, she sleeps on a mat on the floor) for like an hour at a time. Any more than that and I open a window so I can hear her if she cries. I don't know if that's considered neglectful. I'm pretty sure my MIL would think so but she believes babies need to be watched 24/7.

BD is 9 months old, can open her toy chest and pull out the toys she wants to play with so when I have to do something like garden, she just entertains herself.

Like I said, some people have different levels of acceptable risk when it comes to childrearing... that is ALL I'm saying which governs their actions and their motivations. Mine happens to be higher than my MIL's....

But that's probably also why BD fell off my bed (which is about 10 inches) like 5 times already (she doesn't cry and thinks it's fun and tries to go get things on the floor she's not supposed to... like my used underwear)... but my MIL would flip if she heard that.

The other day, BD was crawling around and bumped her head against the couch at MIL's house. MIL freaked out, put an ice pack on her head, and refused to let BD go to sleep in case she had a concussion. Compared with MIL, I'm downright neglectful. Oh, bump your head? Are you bleeding? No? Go play again.

No... I'm just saying it does

No... I'm just saying it does happen... I mean if you think that's bad, then a 5 year old in charge of a 1 year old would have made you flip out... but my mom's friend's two sons are in their 30's, alive and well and very happy. Certain cultures don't think it's THAT weird.

Then again, I was making my own breakfast at 6 and so many kids these days can't even boil water in college...

I live in Brooklyn. I

I live in Brooklyn. I wouldn't think twice about having a 9&7 year old ride a city bus to and from school alone. I would never make the choice the SM in this case made.

My sister and I were in 3rd&4th grades when we started taking the city bus to school alone. One of my students (1st grade) rides two buses each day with her older sister (4th grade). Another student rides the subway (2 trains) to school with her siblings (kindergarten, 3rd grade and 5th grade) each day.

Learning to navigate the city without a parent is part of life for many here. No one gives it a second thought. However, leaving a 3 year home with a 7&9 year old can land your kids in foster care.

See Disney, funny enough,

See Disney, funny enough, even though my parents didn't mind some other stuff, they DID mind us traveling by bus/subway. So they'd chauffeur us around. And hey, I lived in Queens (now out in Suffolk) which is a little less rough than Brooklyn...

LOL my parents would have thought others neglectful for letting them navigate the city that young. I wasn't allowed until I was 14 to ride the bus by myself, but shit, I could do a whole lotta other things.

That's what I mean, everyone has different levels of acceptable risk, based on how they are raised.

LMAO, try telling that to my

LMAO, try telling that to my dad who got mugged twice on the subway. Both times he passed out and I guess the mugger thought he killed him so didn't take anything.

Yeah, my parents think the subway system is crazy dangerous because of that. May not be my daddy's Brooklyn no mo, but you ain't changing his mind on that.

Yeah, totally fine for my parents to occasionally NOT be home when the school bus dropped us off, so my sister and I would take the dog and walk to my grandparents house which was 4 blocks away. I think it started when I was 5 and my sister 4... You know, now I'm wondering if they did it on purpose and just watched us to see what we do from a car...

Totally fine for us to come home from school and make our own snacks (mac and cheese, burger rice) on the GAS STOVE at 9 and 8 because they wouldn't get home until 5 and school let out at 3... but not okay for us to ride the public bus to school. i think setting the house on fire should have been on a higher list of priorities....

Unfortunately, the area I

Unfortunately, the area I teach in(East New York) isn't one of yhe hot spots. The majority of our students are eligible for free/reduced lunch. More than 50% live in transitional housing. Three of my students are in shelters.

I'm also a real estate agent. Most of our clients are buying in the hot spots. They won't even consider East New York aor Brownsville.

Hopefully the BM will make

Hopefully the BM will make her own arrangements for her children when they won't be in their father's care from now on. Then, the SM would have HAD to take her 3yo (I would hope) and SKIDS would not have been left alone.

I don't think anyone is

I don't think anyone is arguing that SM had a right to leave the kids alone. Or maybe they are, but I'm not. I'm just saying if BM doesn't like what's happening, she should take care of the kids herself (which this Bm apparently did) and make other arrangements for babysitting, not order SM around.

Not everyone has "dads time"

Not everyone has "dads time" and "moms time". And dad's time implies just that. It does not include sm's time. Mom cannot tell am how to run her house. If she doesn't like what's going on, she should change it. (Which this bm did). What is so wrong with that??

For me, it's not about

For me, it's not about whether she wanted them there, it's about a biological parent having a problem with the way they were being cared for. If she doesn't like it, fix it. Mainly by taking care of your own children.

This is what I would have

This is what I would have done.

SM is not a free babysitter

SM is not a free babysitter who "works" for BM. If BM does not like how SM takes care of her children when their father is not there, she should do it herself. If a change in a CO is needed to do that than take dad to court and get it done. Or suggest alternative arrangements for children, daycare, member of BM family, whatever.

Yes where did we determine

Yes where did we determine that bm has no "facking" job hahaha

Then if sm is watching kids

Then if sm is watching kids for her husband, the two of them decide what's appropriate in their home. Not BM

I never said it's ok. I said

I never said it's ok. I said bm should be taking measures to ensure that she has her children when their father can't. Or find appropriate babysitting

I was posting based upon my

I was posting based upon my own situation, where exactly this is in the co. But bm never makes arrangements for babysitting while she does whatever she wants and then wants to tell whoever is babysitting her children how they should do it. If she doesn't like the way her children are being cared for (by someone other than their father) she should do it herself in my opinion.

Although there is no way I would leave a 3 year old alone with a 9 year old.

I would be mad too as a bm. I would be doing whatever I could to make sure that if my children were at their fathers house they would be spending time with their father. So, hopefully, she does just that.

I also read that sm and dad

I also read that sm and dad met in AA. So they don't sound like real winners either.

If I were the bm in this situation I'd probably have just stayed in the driveway or parked in the street. Then I'd send Dad an email about the fact that it may not be a good idea to leave a nine year old in charge of a seven and three year old.

Agree. I probably would've

Agree.

I probably would've told SM that I wasn't comfortable having my young kids in charge of her 3 yr. old, and that I was going to the house and would wait until she got back. Then I would've told exDH that I didn't want this to happen again.

My SD is 10 and is a pretty smart and reliable girl, but I still wouldn't leave her in charge of a 3 yr. old unless I was somewhere in the house or yard.

"I say this BMs judgement is

"I say this BMs judgement is clouded by her bitterness about the ex dumping her for SM"

I think going through something like that, on top of having to see the woman he left her for take care of the kids, would be difficult for many on this board.

Agreed. Both dad and SM sound

Agreed. Both dad and SM sound iffy.

Well, she was concerned for

Well, she was concerned for her kids, even though she overreacted. SM couldn't have been too concerned about the kids because she left a three year old in the care of two kids who aren't even teens yet. I don't give a hoot how responsible these kids are or how long she was planning to be gone for. Or how small amount a time she was planning to be gone for. I wouldn't leave a toddler with some adults.

Like I said, I don't think most people on this board would like watching the woman the dad left for take care of the kids.

This is the first thing you

This is the first thing you have said about this that I agree with.

LOL did anyone see this gem

LOL did anyone see this gem about SM's?

"When are you going to learn that as the biological offspring of somebody else, you are NOT your step-parent's priority!

YOU are a liability.

Because they're (stepparents) are selfish, self-serving jerkettes and assholes."

http://www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message919622/pg2

I agree...hopefully that

I agree...hopefully that person was just blowing off steam and wouldn't act like that in real life. I could use a break from my sks too at times but as an adult I still have a responsibility to do the basics to keep them safe.

I have to say this. Some

I have to say this. Some people call this BM bitter and she may well be. But I don't think there's a woman on this board who would want to see the woman your husband left you for taking care of your kids.

Agreed.

Um... well in my case... I

Um... well in my case... I didn't know leaving a 9 year old to watch a 3 year old while you walk the dogs would be such a big issue to people. I actually had no problem with it because it was how I was raised and how most of my friends were raised. It's also because my DH and many of our friends power walk a mile in about 7 minutes, so I thought it was weird that half a mile was so far...

Haha, the only thing that made me cringe was allowing kids under 14 to navigate the bus and subway system by themselves--that freaks me out, but once again, it's how we were raised that determines what we think is okay.

I just find it weird that if BM was so worried, she could have told SM she was going to pick up her kids, and that SM should go home so she can watch her own BD when she found out that they were alone instead of after. I guess maybe she didn't think of it at the time.

Unfortunately, I guess my outlook on this is a bit skewed due to my upbringing and I may have to change how I look at this "leaving kids home alone for ten minutes" thing if it's considered so unacceptable.

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My kids were left alone by Stepmother

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