You are here

Normal or not?

June's picture

Submitted by June on Sun, 04/20/2014 - 4:50pm

My oldest SS is 20 and almost never comes to visit his dad or I. His younger brother comes over every weekend and we all have a good time & get along fine. SS20 and I have never had any arguments or anything it was just that the older he got the more he wanted to spend time with his friends which I know is normal. He also has a serious girlfriend who DH & I have met several times. SS20 describes his dad as one of his best friends and when he was younger that was very apparent. I always made sure he and DH had plenty of time together without me as well as some family time with all of us together. Anyway he now only comes over on Christmas Day and MAYBE 1 or 2 other days all year. That's it. He brings his girlfriend over his mothers house all the time & they all go places together. We have tried inviting him and his girlfriend over meny times and they are always busy. My DH has tried to invite him out so just the two of them could hang out and he again always has something going on. We don't want to force him and he does very occasionally come over but to me if you care about someone you make time to see them. He even makes time for his grandmother more then us. Sometimes she will call us all excited and say he stoped by to say hi and brought her flowers. He will reply to my and DH's text or calls and he calls his DH often. Useally to talk about himself but still at least he calls. As far as him coming over, It just seams like he is getting so distant from us. My DH is constantly sticking up for him and saying that if we really wanted him to come over he would, but we shouldn't have to force him. DH is saying oh well he's just into hanging out with his friends and GF right now. But why does he go out with his GF and mom to dinner , movies, concerts ect but not us. We are not judge mental and we both love his GF. We just miss him but he doesn't get that. He has time for his grandmother and other relatives but not us. Maybe it's just me but I'm not feeling like he cares a whole lot about us.

Comments

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Sun, 04/20/2014 - 6:39pm

My SD22 is very much like that. I don't know if it's normal or not, but it's what we experience. SD22 still lives with BM, so I expect her to be around BM more, but SD22 very rarely comes to visit anymore, not even for our bios' birthdays or DH's birthday/Father's Day. It seems that since she graduated college and lives in state now, she is too busy for DH or us. We haven't seen her since Christmas, and the only other time we saw her since coming back home last May was once in September. DH doesn't express any concern, so I don't care. I feel a little bad for him, but she's not my kid, so I just have to let things go. Personally, I think DH was too much of a "friend" so if there's no "fun" involved, or she's not getting anything like at Christmas, she doesn't bother with us. Even for her birthday she doesn't make an appearance because DH will just send her money anyway. That's not the way I intend to raise our boys, so the less influence she has, the better.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 04/21/2014 - 10:43am

My SD22 is like this, as well. The last time she came over was to get her and her sons' Christmas presents. It was very awkward, she is not much of a conversationalist. She hinted around about buying her lunch, which we did not do.

I'm sure she would come over more often if we took her out to eat or gave her money every time.

tabby yabba do's picture

Submitted by tabby yabba do on Mon, 04/21/2014 - 11:06am

I'm on the other side of this situation: I'm the BM whose DD25 and DS23 frequently visit me/stay with me when they're in town (they live in another state), and they typically spend much less time with their BF.

My DD25 and DS23 love their dad, there's no PASing, I get along great with their dad/my exH and his wife. But I noticed they seem to "prefer" my place over their dad's. We've talked about it and this is what they've told me:

Since I was the CP/primary parent when they grew up, they went to school in the town I still live in. So it's convenient to see their friends, by staying at my place. Their Dad moved away years ago (about 35 miles one way), so staying with him means less time for their friends.

I have an extra bedroom (more privacy) and Dad turned both of their rooms into other-purpose rooms (no beds). I also have a spare car my DH and I let them use at their convenience (usually the whole trip, ha ha).

I don't "guilt trip" them (their words, not mine) by "whining" (again their words) about "Why don't you ever come to mmmmyyyy house?" or "How come you never want to seeeee me?" I just say "Hey, the bedroom is available if you want it! And make sure you fill up the gas tank after using our car."

I never make them schedule visits with me when they're here, I tell them to plug me in where/when they have time. They've had short visits (weekends) where I only saw them at the airport for pick up/drop off. I know they love me and I don't complain. I usually get them all to myself for one nice dinner and a day-date of some sort.

I don't "chase" them into seeing me/paying attention to me/spending time with me. Even my kids say "Dad is always calling, always texting, always bugging us." I've found the less I "chase" my kids, the more they want to spend time with me. I hope that makes sense?

And none of the above means they love their Dad less, or me more, it's more (for us) about logistics (where their friends are, where the open bedroom is, where the spare car is) and about parental pressure (I don't pressure them. Their Dad pressures them too much).

Hope that helps?