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Can't wait for BM's request - need opinions!

asgoodasitgets's picture

Submitted by asgoodasitgets on Thu, 03/20/2014 - 9:13pm

I will try to make this as short as possible. BM's sister is having an out-of-town wedding soon. Both BM & SD are in the wedding. Wedding takes place on DH's weekend &, because of all the snow days, SD will have to miss school to attend. So, I suspect that we will soon be receiving an email from BM requesting that DH switch weekends with her or something similar so that SD can go to the wedding. This is the response that I really want DH to send:

Dear BM,

I received your request to switch weekends with me so that you & SD can attend your sister's wedding in Dumbassville. I am more than willing to work with you so that SD enjoys her aunt's wedding. You see, unlike you, I do not feel the need to punish SD & the rest of your family because I dislike you. Also, unlike you, I am not a psycho bitch who only exists to make others miserable.

Remember your response when I got married to SM a few years ago & requested ONE additional day added to my normal weekend with SD so that she could spend time with her grandparents & aunt who had traveled halfway across the county? In case you don't remember, you said NO. No surprise since you have never allowed me to have even one extra hour with my daughter since we split up, not to mention the hours of visitation with SD that you have just arbitrarily withheld.

Remember how a couple of years ago you tried to deny my vacation request because SD would have missed TWO days of pre-school? You blathered on & on about what a detriment to her future it would be for her to miss out on learning how to color or sing "The Wheels on the Bus". I had to spend money, money that I would prefer to spend on our child, getting my attorney to intervene just so I could take my vacation.

Or what about the year prior to that, when you tried to sabotage my vacation plans for the month of May by claiming that "summer vacation" MUST take place during the actual calendar summer (June 21 - Sept 20). Again, I had to involve my attorney so that he could explain, via your attorney, that summer vacation is that time of year when the kids are not in school for the summer season, hence the term "summer vacation". I should also remind you that this vacation request took place BEFORE SD was even enrolled in pre-school so whether vacation took place during school or not was a moot point.

So you see, even though you have set a precedent that would have allowed me to say NO to this request from you, a precedent set by "rules" that you yourself made up, I am saying yes, no problem, enjoy yourselves. Why? Because I am a bigger person than you, because I put my daughter first, & because I believe in karma.

DH

So ladies, should he send it or not?

Comments

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Thu, 03/20/2014 - 9:18pm

I love it. My DH would absolutely say no. Good for your DH for being the better person.

asgoodasitgets's picture

Submitted by asgoodasitgets on Thu, 03/20/2014 - 9:25pm

I don't know. We've already talked about what he'll do when she asks. He wants to first say no, just to make her beg, & then say yes. But I think that's kind of childish personally. It's something BM would do. I really prefer my response but I haven't shown it to him yet.

QueenBeau's picture

Submitted by QueenBeau on Thu, 03/20/2014 - 9:29pm

I prefer your response. BM is probably expecting him to say no then yes, & prepared for that. She would not be prepared for this response.

asgoodasitgets's picture

Submitted by asgoodasitgets on Thu, 03/20/2014 - 9:31pm

Yeah, I just really want to throw her double-standards in her face for once. But then I wonder if it would even matter. I mean, would she even get the irony?

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Thu, 03/20/2014 - 9:32pm

Tell him not to say no, but that he will get back to her as he has a lot to consider. Make her sweat and then send the email.

asgoodasitgets's picture

Submitted by asgoodasitgets on Thu, 03/20/2014 - 9:59pm

Yes, also a good idea. I like the thing about making her explain her past actions. Hell, he might even get an apology (yeah, right!)

My only worry is that if he hesitates to say yes, she will immediately get the attorneys involved & then DH looks like the bad guy.

steplife's picture

Submitted by steplife on Thu, 03/20/2014 - 11:59pm

If DH agrees to switch, make sure he makes up the days the weekend BEFORE the wedding! So the weekends are BM, DH, DH BM (wedding), BM. In the past my DH agreed to switch and afterwards BM kept SD during the make up time as if there was never an agreement. If BM doesn't let your DH choose what time is best for him to make up the time then too bad, no wedding trip for SD!!

sunny_skies's picture

Submitted by sunny_skies on Fri, 03/21/2014 - 3:31am

ok.. I don't have anything to do right now, so I'm gona reword the email in the way that I personally would send it lol! hope you don't mind lol!

Thing is, I can literally feel the frustration, anger and sarcasm in the words (TOTALLY understandable btw), and I wonder if it is just slightly too provoking of an argument/ drama/ sinking to BMs level. If your DH keeps things *unemotional* and business like, I feel it would work more towards your favour, plus if the email is pulled up by BMs lawyers/ attorneys, your DH can feel safe in the knowledge that the email was appropriately worded and civil.

There are also a lot of questions in there, thing is, from what I can gather (hope I got this right) your DH had already decided to let SD go to the wedding, so he really doesn't need to to start a back and forth of emails, with BM answering those questions. In my opinion, one swift answer (yes thats fine she can go) and pointing several home truths is a better way to go. Then if BM answers this email, your DH doesn't have to waste anymore time replying/ corresponding with her, because he'll have made his point anyway. What is that expression some SMs use here, ignore the whore? lol

ok here we go!!! Wink

---

I received your request to switch weekends with me so that you & SD can attend your sister's wedding in Dumbassville. I am more than willing to work with you so that SD enjoys her aunt's wedding.

I wonder though, if I may remind you of several incidents in the past with regards to changes in SD's schedule. I am hoping that being reminded of these incidents will encourage you to be more flexible in my requests to spending time with SD in the future, as I have done for you with your sisters wedding.
When I got married to SM and requested an additional day added to my normal weekend so that SD could spend time with her grandparents & aunt who had traveled halfway across the county, you sadly refused. Unfortunately it seems that you have never allowed me to have extra time with SD since we separated, not to mention the hours of visitation with SD that you have just arbitrarily withheld.

Another incident a couple of years ago was when you tried to deny my vacation request because SD would have missed two days of pre-school. Your belief at the time was that it would be a detriment to her future to miss out on pre-school activities like learning how to color or sing. I had to spend money, money that I would prefer to spend on our child, getting my attorney to intervene just so I could take my vacation.

The year prior to that, when I asked about my summer vacation plans for the month of May, you mentioned that "summer vacation" MUST take place during the actual calendar summer (June 21 - Sept 20). Again, I had to involve my attorney so that he could explain, via your attorney, that summer vacation is that time of year when the kids are not in school for the summer season, hence the term "summer vacation". I should also remind you that this vacation request took place BEFORE SD was even enrolled in pre-school so whether vacation took place during school or not was a moot point.

As I said, despite all these incidents, I am more than willing to allow SD to attend your sisters wedding. I believe in putting SD first, after all her happiness is what is important. I hope SD enjoys the wedding.

---

So.. your DH ends up looking like the awesome, polite, civil and flexible dad, and BM ends up lookin like the selfish one, all without being provoking or causing a back and forth email argument. Points have been made, (and you will have the email as proof of that) and a conclusion has been reached (yes SD can go) without any further head space being taken up by BM. If she replies, let her. There's no need to reply. DH made his points and that's that.

oh I also took out all the parts with "my daughter" as I know that in *my* experience, whenever BM says "my son" to FDH, it makes him pretty angry, almost provoking in a way, but that's up to you guys, if you regularly use "my daughter" then it might not be a big deal, I just know that FDH hates it when BM tries to lay claim with the whole "my son" thing, as if he is not FDH's son as well!!

anyway, good luck, hope I helped! x

asgoodasitgets's picture

Submitted by asgoodasitgets on Fri, 03/21/2014 - 10:20am

Yes, thank you, that does help. The response I wrote was sarcastic & the questions rhetorical, so I understand how it would make BM defensive & DH look like a jerk. But that is how I was feeling when I wrote it.

You made a good point about it coming up later in court & I had struggled with how to get the point across to BM while showing that DH was doing the right thing should this email get dragged out by her attorneys someday.

sunny_skies's picture

Submitted by sunny_skies on Fri, 03/21/2014 - 6:00am

ooh! that's good!! short, sweet, to the point. OP, I know you really want to point out all the times BM has been an idiot in the past, which is why in my reply I included them.. But I actually think tog might be right, I'd definately consider sending what tog said!

asgoodasitgets's picture

Submitted by asgoodasitgets on Fri, 03/21/2014 - 10:40am

Yeah, we thought about short & sweet as well, but I really want to remind BM of how hateful she has been in the past. I want her to see that DH would be totally justified in saying no, but he truly is a better person than her. Would we be inundated with venom-filled emails? Probably, but we would just laugh & ignore. That's kind of where we are now.

Honestly, I'd love to include something about BM being in AA. Like, "BM, you testified in court that you are currently attending a 12-step program. I hope that when you get to the step about making amends that you remember how many times you've wronged me over the past 5 years. It would do both of us a world of good for you to just recognize that & apologize."

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Fri, 03/21/2014 - 8:33am

I really like your email. But I know it will just generate more crap from BM. Sigh. Why is it so hard to be a bitch to those who deserve it? Oh, I know... because we're smart enough to think about consequences.

I would respond one of two ways:

******
BM,

SD will be with me that day during my custody time.

Regards,
DH

*******
BM,

I'm willing to switch days to accommodate your request. I'd like xyz, plus abc, def and ghi (all date before the wedding). Let me know if this works for you. (Ha, and if it doesn't, see answer above lol)

DH

asgoodasitgets's picture

Submitted by asgoodasitgets on Fri, 03/21/2014 - 10:32am

Just wanted to thank everyone who has replied to so far. You all have given me much to think about & I appreciate the opinions & advice!

I also wanted to add that DH has no intention of saying "no" to BM's request. Mainly b/c SD is going to be the flower girl in the wedding & she is really looking forward to it. Also, as I stated in my letter, BM kept SD from our rehearsal dinner & the rest of the family missed out on seeing her during the short time they were in town. So we know how it feels to have one's wedding day, not ruined, but diminished b/c someone decides to be a bitch. Even though BM's dad & sister are assholes just like her, they don't deserve to feel that way on such a special day. We could never stoop to that level.

We are definitely going to ask for make-up time. SD has a birthday coming up & DH has NEVER spent a birthday with his daughter since he split with BM when SD was 1. So we are going to ask for the birthday. We'll see how BM tries to squirm out of it.