I addressed this in another blog, which is probably what triggered your blog. I just copied and pasted my thoughts on the subject.

All moms & dads want healthy relationships for their children. A relationship where an adult, that lives in the same home as a child, is given the green flag to disregard a child as if he/she doesn't exist simply because he/she is not blood related is not healthy. Do we need to run ourselves ragged with plastered fake smiles and entertain these kids 24/7 to satisfy our spouse? NO.
Do we need to make sure that we do our part as ADULTS to teach, guide and steer these children in the right direction? YES.

There is no way a marriage will survive when the relationship between adult and child is A - non existant or B - always negative.

At least, I don't feel that is healthy, nor would I want to live in such a home. It sounds cold, fake and ugly.

I think the key to all of it is defining roles and expectations in the beginning but also keeping up your end of the bargain. DH and I had very similar views about getting married/moving in together. I have my bios full time, he has his kids 50/50. I told him that I expected more of him then he should of me. That I would always be there for his kids when they needed me, I would take care of them in the same ways I do my own (cooking dinner, giving advice when rendered, helping them make good/healthy choices etc. etc. etc.) but that there were a lot of "mom" things I couldn't do because they have one but a lot of "dad" things I expected him to do because my bios don't. With all of that said, it was probably most important that we discussed what he expected of me in order to be the father figure.

So, if I don't want him only being a disciplinarian, I have to make darn sure that I am handling discipline when it is needed the majority of the time. If I do want him to be the disciplinarian, I have to make sure that I back him up and not go into bio's room for cuddle time because the big bad step daddy sent him there. Everyone plays a role in this and I think most of the reasons for not liking the kids is actually because the kids are wild due to lack of discipline. Some cases, I do think there is something "off" about the kids, but for the most part I think open communication is the biggest tool to have in the tool box.

Personally, I am a big "family" person. I taught my kids that families can be made up of several different components and going in my DH would never be able to say that I was unclear in wanting my children to have a loving family and it was a package deal. I also have held up my end of the bargain and been the kind of mother I have always wanted them to have too. I would have major struggles if my DH completely disengaged and there would be no question if my DH solely treated them like crap.

I would not have allowed my child to grow up in a home with a man didn't like him. I would not try to force someone to bond with him. If it doesn't come naturally, then it's time to part ways.

My thought is this....

I agree that if a BM has raised a respectful kid who knows (and adheres) to reasonable social/familial boundaries, can be loving, responds to discipline, etc. then having an expectation that a stepparent can/should interact with them and provide a pleasant and stable living environment is fair. The stepparent doesn't have to "love" them like their own or wish to spend special one-on-one time to role-model behavior the BM values.

The BIGGEST GIFT a stepparent can give to a skid (IMHO) is to love the skid's mother and treat her with respect. And it isn't loving or respectful towards the mother if the stepparent treats a skid like crap if the skid is respectful, reasonable, loving and responsive to discipline.

This whole forum is devoted to educating people on reasonable expectations of stepparents. I have had to remind my DH being a stepparent is like going to the local big box store, randomly selecting a couple of kids, and asking me to live with them, raise them, and love them like my own. Very rarely would that happen seamlessly. After all, these are someone else's "pride and joy" - not my own.

We have been through Sd16 making up her own schedule for 3 years now. We did months of 50% one week on and one week off, Also SD21 and her 2 kids living with s for 2 years straight and barely leaving the house. I look back and wonder how I got through it because I would NEVER do it again. FDH and I moved fast in the beginning, we were inseparable and his kids were hardly around. I had no idea what I was getting into. Blind as a bat.

We are moving slow now, been engaged for a year and at this point we are a long ways off before I walk down that aisle. No wedding plans. Many, many things to work out before I say I do. We are in "pre-marital" couples therapy which really helps, no kids together either. I love him with all my heart and I haven't lost my will to keep fighting for our relationship- some days are easier then others, but I can say that if SD16 said "I'm staying here now" or SD21 and her kids needed to come back to our house FDH knows that I will find my own place to live. I will get my own apt bc I need peace in my place of home and comfort, and I refuse to be as unhappy as I was when they were there or feel that dread everyday coming home knowing what chaos and drama I was walking into.

Not saying it's fair or right, but this is what it's come to, I don't feel guilty either bc HIS kids have made me feel this way and HIS lack of parenting and demand for respect has also got us here.

NEVER AGAIN

hmmmm... i think it's fair. no "normal" family gets to eject people out of the family just cuz they dont get along. my grandfather just never bonded with his dad, had quite an abrasive relationship. didnt mean the dad had to leave just they rubbed eachother the wrong way all.the.time.

HOWEVER, a child should never be the target of continuous negativity. it's up to the adult to be kind, caring and consistent. you can care for a child living under your roof without having to actually enjoying their personality. i wouldnt ignore a child, but i may choose to ignore plenty of wrong behaviors, but if addressed directly i would respond politely.

every branch of every family has some members that dont get along and it's ok. for example i love my uncle, cant stand his wife. i lived under their roof for a few months. she and i were always cordial. doesnt mean i like her but i treated her pleasantly simply because of the fact that she is my uncle's wife. same should be applied to any skid a sparent doesnt get along with- the adult should treat them kindly and cordially just because they are your spouse's child.

but no, i dont think a spouse should get booted out just because they're not bff's w/ skid or fawning all over skid.