On being a family...
So after seeing various posts on family vs stepfamily, on men behaving differently once they have a "new" family, and of course my own recent fabulous family drama... What makes family "family"?
Blood isn't enough obviously, given adoption, estrangement, etc. Choice isn't enough given the rate of divorce. I guess the best answer is love, but is that enough?
Who is the onus on to keep a family together? At what age do kids become responsible for really participating in the family?
Sorry, I'm rather sad and rather angry tonight. DH's sister died yesterday. He did what he could to get in touch with SD to ask if she wanted to attend the funeral. He's heard nothing.
SD has accused us of excluding her from our family. We see it rather differently in that every overture that's been made has been rejected. SD takes no responsibility for her hateful actions. Our attempts at communication go unacknowledged or met with hostility. Do I think of her as family? I guess in the same way that I think of my grandfather's cousin as family. Sure, technically, legally, we've met a couple times, but she's very peripheral to my life. It's not our choice, it's not our desire, but its the way life is.
Family relationships are like all relationships - they don't exist in a vacuum and they aren't one sided. If one party refuses to participate, what can you really do? Toxic BM has made it more than clear to us and to SD that BM is her only 'real' family. She is BM's daughter and its just silly of us to think that children have two parents.
Okay so I'm just rambling now. It's been a long week.
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Comments
I am so sorry for your loss,
I am so sorry for your loss, Aeron. It is like adding insult to injury: instead of jumping at the opportunity to be closer to her family at the time of real crisis your SD is ignoring your DH. She is too damaged to be of any use. But it could be worse, actually, she could start actively attacking.
I have similar skids. When DH's brother suddenly died 2 years ago skids showed no attempts at sharing in his grief or trying to comfort him, instead in response to his emails begging them to come and be with him ( he took it VERY hard, it was the 3rd death in his family in as many years) they turned on him and verbally smacked him until he was black and blue and bleeding on the floor ( not literally). It was the first time i saw with my own eyes what cruelty they are capable of, and I could never be the same with them again.
Are they family? I would say that they are blood. We are family, my kids and DH and me. We support each other and help each other and are there for each other. I would say that love is the glue. Focus on positive people in your life. Do not spend any more energy on your SD. You did not create her issues, you cannot control her or cure her ills. She might still trun up at the funeral. Do not engage with her.
Thank you. It is insult to
Thank you. It is insult to injury. He's so angry about it and its hard to watch. It's hard to listen to DH go back and forth between trying to excuse it and venting about how awful she is not respond at all to even say nope, not interested.
It just makes me crazy that because he is a man, no matter what he does or has done or had gone through for this girl, people always assume he must be a bad guy on some level for SD not coming around. It's not worth fretting over, I know. And I'd Much rather have her just ignore than start the verbal barrage again like your skids did. It's just galling to have people, particularly BM or SD go on and on about Family and then have these sort of situations. Where the hell did society get this idea that men are the root of all family problems?
I do not engage. It's hard to engage with a ghost and since SD likes to pretend I don't exist.... Works for me.
I get the whole "reputation"
I get the whole "reputation" thing. People look at my SO funny when he says he and his son22 are estranged. His crazy psycho ex BM2 pulled a vicious PAS attack. Then, when the letters come to the home from CYA because SD17 went to the school counselor and said, "mommy pulled my hair." (because SD17 admitted to us later in a fight with me that she was trying to provoke "Mommy" with a cigarette and believe you me…SD17 is much larger than BM) can you say fist fight? then I show the mailman because I am embarrassed that he might think the dysfunction is occurring in our home.--which in a way it does because their toxic mold permeates and stinks up so many aspects of our lives. The BM and the older skids LOVE it! (not so much the little ones, but you can see the antics on their timelines as they "progress" and are molded into the spitting images of their BM). I now refer to his daughter to his BM2 as "BM2's [fill in the blank] daughter." Your DH needs to DISENGAGE too and FAST! It's simple math you plus DH = HAPPY. you plus DH plus SD = UNHAPPY. You plus DH = UNHAPPY = BM & SD HAPPY! It seems dads have been sold a false bill of goods with society telling them they have to be the be all to end all for their kids. Not true. After reading through here some men go so far as to allow their teenagers to "lay" on them, snuggle with them, put their feet on their crotch, arm-around-waste walk around with them. WTF! My then SD12 pulled this shI# (but NOT the crotch thing - he isn't that gullible) and I pointed it out to a therapist with SO, SD and me and then only then did he confess that it made him uncomfortable ( he was just too worried to upset the little darling) that's when she stopped cold turkey (it is best to OUT the little beasties). These girls are having Electra complexes gone wrong! Some of them go so far as to falsely accuse their BF of things when the BF stops giving them EVERYTHING they demand. Count your lucky stars she doesn't want to come.
I'm so sorry. Focus on your
I'm so sorry. Focus on your husband and comforting him and literally shrug your shoulders and SD.
So sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss. Please take your focus off your SD and put it back into your husband's family. You and your DH are letting your Skid manipulate you when she says you exclude her. She was taught by the best-BM. If your SD was an active part of your lives and showed loving respect to her BF, then you might want to invest thought. This sounds like a nonissue. Redirect your feelings back to the real issue -- your sister-in-law's death. Put the SD back in the closet where she chooses to stay. Sounds like it could get a lot worse should she show up. We went through a similar drama when my SO's mom died 7 years ago, BM kept kids away and threatened to show up which upsetted all my SO's siblings. We hired a security guard. It could be worse.
Let me answer this by
Let me answer this by saying:
A family is composed of actions: to protect, guide, support, mentor, trust, understand, forgive and seek forgiveness, communication, love.
It is not: taking advantage of, forcing expectations, exploitation, manipulation, revenge, blackmail, hate.
If, at any point, the people who are in your home does any of the "it is not", they are walking towards the line of "not family."
Blood doesn't matter at all in my definition of "family."