School help please!
Skids spend every other wk at my house then bm house. At my house you lose electronics for low grades, not following through with assignments & poor behavior. At bm there are no rules. No big deal if grades drop, work doesn't get done etc... Makes me & dad the bad guys when they constantly lose privileges at our house, but get to live it up at bm's. Education is extremely important to me, but doesn't seem to be with skids or bm. The kids that still come to our house are in elementary & jr high. I am always playing catch up on my week. It's a bunch of bull! How can I separate myself from having to take care of the school work that nobody but me seems to care about? Also my own bkids have the same electronic rules & I dont think it's fair that skids are held to a different standard because they are gone half the time. ....2 older kids no longer come to our house because we had rules etc...& I get blamed for the lack if relationship they have with their dad now...what kind of person would I be to not teach these kids about the importance of education etc....I'm not sure why I care, it's just a matter of years before these 2 skids leave & never come back too. it would feel wrong to just sit by & do nothing...SOMEBODY PLEASE reprogram me or tell me what to do? It's so hard on me mentally! Please!
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This is so true, and so hard
This is so true, and so hard to accept - at first. Then, when you believe it and follow through on it, magic happens!
well said echo- "When
well said echo- "When everyone fights you when you're trying to do right for THEIR kids....stop doing. You can't 'win'. It's up to their parents to do right by them and if those parents don't, then it's not your problem."
I could have written this
I could have written this myself...my 15 year old sd is a chronic excuse maker when it comes to school issues. Nothing is ever her fault, the teachers didn't teach me what was on the exam, specific class is 'stupid', blah blah blah. I've heard every excuse in the book. Her report cards tell a different story: constantly late (she lives within SIGHT OF HER SCHOOL), talking back to teachers, talking to friends during lessons. When I hear these excuses, I shut down and walk away. I used to try to explain that school is important and if she puts the effort in now, it will come easier to her later. (I work in a school and she sometimes forgets that) BM worries more about being her friend than a parent and my DH and I spend our visits fighting her to get her homework done. I have slowly removed myself from trying and quite honestly caring if her work gets done. She will eventually learn a hard lesson. My DH is divided in letting her fail and forcing her to get her school work done. I know it's hard but all you can do is continue to do what you can for your bio kids and sometimes when a skid sees you stop pushing, they start to apply themselves. If not, in a few years it will be welfare's problem.
DITTO ljj. my dh at this
DITTO ljj. my dh at this point is leaning towards "screw it, he's old enough to deal with the consequences from the school."
problem is, there never is or has been any consequences at home! and it's always somebody else's fault.
"the stuff on the test she didnt go over in class."
"she hates me"
"this is stupid"
"she doesnt ever post the grades"
"we dont have any homework"
"she picks on me"
"she quizzes us on stuff she didnt teach"
"its just dumb"
"she just doesnt like me".
and dh just continues on as normal w/o addressing.... kid was in summer school last year, has an extra 'support' class for his worst subject, and i bet he'll be in summer school again this year.
OH WELL!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you all soooo much!
Thank you all soooo much! It's nice to know that I'm not the only person in the world that is dealing with this. I often feel like nobody in the world has experienced what I have. Glad I found this forum...one last question though...my bio kids have always been financially supported by dh. Which is why I feel that I need to do these things for his kids. I've been a stay at home mom for awhile now. What am I supposed to say? "thanks for taking care of my kids, but youre on your own with yours"..?
If DH had your back as a
If DH had your back as a parent, this wouldn't be an issue. So you're not throwing it back in his face, you're saying "I can't do it with you undermining me along the way. Either we are a united team, or I'm blowing smoke and the skids know it - and it's not pretty to be me when that happens. I choose to stop."
You mentioned in your OP that you get grief for the poor relationship the skids have with DH. You also state that nobody but you cares about the skids school work.
Reading between the lines, I get the impression that your DH goes 'lighter' on the skids because they are only there half the time?
Maybe you get more support from DH than I 'read'... but bottom line, you and DH are in charge of your household. If you BOTH have certain standards and certain consequences, then you won't have the problems you mentioned in your OP.
All IMHO of course.
He does back me up, but
He does back me up, but everyone knows it's just because I tell him what needs to be done or how incredibly upset I am about what goes on. If I said nothing, I dont think he would have any idea where the grades are at. But we've played these roles for so long idk what to do. He provides financially & I feel like I should take care of the rest. Idk :?
I really understand. I
I really understand. I recently was so upset about a few things that I arranged for my DH and I to go to a single counselling session. First thing the counsellor did was ask my husband to fill in a questionnaire where he indicated, on a scale of 0-10, how irritated/annoyed/pressured he was about pretty much anything I could ever ask him to do. His highest score? 2.
As he gave it to the counsellor, he said - I know that if moeilijk were to fill this in, she'd put my numbers at 9 or 10. Even though I tell her I don't mind whenever she asks.
It's so weird that I needed an outsider to tell me 1. my DH is NOT annoyed when I go to him or tell him to take care of something, 2. my DH has NO PROBLEM that I find things important that he doesn't, and 3. my DH actually LIKES me and won't stop even if I ask him to do tons of stuff he doesn't think of as being important.
Maybe that's true for you too.
On another note, if you have DH's non-participant and otherwise clueless support, then what you CAN disengage from is BM. So she's $hit on a stick... that has ZERO influence on what you do in your home and what you and your DH have chosen to value. And if DH himself maybe doesn't care the way he should about education, as long as he supports you in instilling that value into the s/kids, YOUR home, where the heart is, is fine.
Thank you, I have to hear it
Thank you, I have to hear it from an outsider too.