As time goes on, the more comfortable I get being single... the more I'm wondering if I'm not getting TOO comfortable being single. LOL.

It took me a long time to get here... I left ex-SO almost a year and a half ago, and I've been second-guessing myself and back and forth ever since. Right before Christmas I decided to give it another go, 100% this time. Came to the same conclusion. Since then, I've been out dating casually, and it was fun at first, but... the more online dates I go on, the more it's making me appreciate being alone, I swear.

I didn't think it would be this difficult to meet someone without baggage at 32, but jesus. So many people contacting me have kids already. I normally date older guys, but I'm finding that guys in their late 30s/early 40s without kids tend to be self-absorbed man-children.

I went to a Meetup group recently and met a guy there (in the "normal" way) that I felt a connection with. He's my age. About 30 minutes into us talking, he tells me the following:

- he's been separated 4 years but hasn't filed for divorce yet
- .... because, his ex is "crazy" and "hates [him]"
- he has a 5 year old, so he is tied to the crazy ex for the next 13 years at least
- he said his daughter prefers being at his house because "we always do fun stuff and I don't ask her to do anything or have the rules her mom has" AKA Disney Dad from hell

I tend to be a little blunt, it's part of my charm (sarcasm).... I looked at this dude and said, "If we were talking online right now, I'd be hitting the delete button."

It's frustrating, but at the same time, I'm actually okay being alone. Frankly it isn't that different from being with ex-SO - he and I worked opposite shifts, and he worked every Friday/Saturday when we were together - and I tend to be kind of a loner/introvert anyway, so I'm used to being alone a lot of the time or finding other things to occupy my time. The only real difference is that I don't have two days out of my week where I have to deal with ex-SO and his kid suddenly being all up in my space and annoying the hell out of me. I do get lonely, but I got lonely as hell in that old life too with ex-SO... at least I have the freedom to find somebody else.

I still hear from ex-SO occasionally, who thinks I am being stupid for not being with him and "just focusing on the bad things I bring to the table". I think for him - someone who really NEEDS to be in a relationship because he can't stand being alone - it may be worse that I'm choosing to be alone than be with him. If there was another relationship in the picture, that might be easier for him to stomach. I'm literally telling him by my actions that I would rather be ALONE every single day for the foreseeable future than live his life.... I'm just glad I was finally able to drop the fear and get to this point. Even when I get lonely now and I think gee, I could call him up in a second and have someone to hang out with this weekend - I have no desire to. Because I know it's going to involve hanging out with a 5 year-old all weekend and I would rather be alone than deal with all that BS again. Time heals all wounds I guess...

I have all this time to do the things that I want, and it's awesome. I spent all last weekend wandering around taking pictures. I didn't have to split my time between what I want to do, and somebody else's life. Is it possible to get too used to this? Or is just that I spent so long doing the exact OPPOSITE of what I wanted in my life, that I'm enjoying this so much? I don't want to be one of those people who gets so used to being alone that they can't function in a relationship. But at the same time, I'm not caring too much at the moment.