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BM is obsessed with DH

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 10:12am

BM still wants DH, even tho she left him, even tho she is remarried, even tho she cheated on him with his brother. Bottom line, she wants him and is obsessed with any and everything he does.

Her obsession is an ever present elephant in the room. She does any and everything to hurt me especially with the kids. I ignore her to the best of my ability. After 10 years its wearing me down. I'm tired of her constant need for his attention. It became an issue when I was bold enough to look at their texts while using his phone. DH does flirt with her slightly, by adding " lol, haha" or a smiley face to her flirty texts, but to my knowledge hasn't told her to stop. One of the first conversations about this behavior just caused him to shut down. DH is highly secretive and shuts me out whenever I ask. I'm ridiculously tired and just want him to stop. The only things he has done is become more private by password protecting his phone and not speaking with BM around me. Which makes it all too worrisome. When she will specifically say in front of me "call me in the morning" and so on.

Also, DH gives me little to no credit on facebook. Which only feeds my insecurity. If i do something nice, he will only post on IG so she won't see. He never says anything remotely loving to me so she can see. Our anniversary post he did this year was "good luck football team and happy anniversary wife". to which she posted on Fb minutes after his.. "Well that was an array of emotion".. or something like that. My friends tell me all the time that she post FB things specifically for DH. Things about wishing "remembering when" and stupid things about past relationships.

I have emailed and talked to DH and he just ignores and changes the subject and says we will talk this weekend which never happens. I'm at a loss to get DH to change and feel like I should somewhat give up and move on.

My apologies for sounding like a lunatic, with my random thoughts and such. I am going batsh*$ crazy here.

Comments

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 10:51am

I have b*^%ched, moaned, groaned trying to do anything to get him to change, because I had hope. It really is ridiculous why I haven't moved forward with my plans.

Also, thank you. Its the wake up call i needed.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 10:40am

Geesh... people who have nothing to hide, don't need to password protect their phones and be sneaky. He OBVIOUSLY is guilty of something, he pretty much told you that by his actions. this would be unacceptable to me. You need to read LJCapp911 blog and see what you have in store for you if you allow this to continue.

It's flat out disrespectful. Obviously your DH little convos and whatever with BM are far more important to him than your feelings.

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 10:46am

It may sound stupid, but everyone's comments are exactly what I needed to read. I've wasted valuable years hoping for something that just isn't going to happen.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 11:07am

I would suggest to DH that you two get some counseling. Then if he does not change his highly inappropriate ways with BM...kick him to the curb. Have you put up with this for 10 years????!!!

Edit to add...it sound more like your DH is obsessed with BM.

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 11:12am

I've begged for counseling and he says no. I've even seen a therapist on my own.

I've never thought of him as being obsessed with BM, but maybe. Nothing would surprise me at this point.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 11:17am

I rarely advise divorce, but if he will not even try counseling, then you need to get out and on with your life. You know this is a terribly dysfunctional situation.

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 11:23am

Yes I know, my counselor agrees that it is dysfunctional. My reply, what is normal lol? She states that my staying is a result of my need for my biological children to have a stable home environment which is something I never had growing up.

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 11:58am

You are right. There really isn't much left. I'm been lying to myself thinking our home was stable, but ultimately its just a figment of my imagination.

Thank you, and I hope your right!

Ssamantha's picture

Submitted by Ssamantha on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 11:28am

You two need serious counseling. If that doesn't work, you need to leave. The disrespect by DH and BM is wrong on so many levels.

farting_glitter's picture

Submitted by farting_glitter on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 11:58am

any thoughts that maybe there IS something going on between them?....sounds like it to me... Sad

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 12:01pm

The one time I went nosing through his email about 2 years ago, I found one exchange that pissed me off. DH was in another city with SS at college (getting him settled). He told her where he was and he told her that she should have come down to see the place, she told him to "upgrade" to a king size bed and she would. She didn't go, because it was her 1 night a week with my skids.

Yea, I know i'm a dumba@@.

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 12:25pm

Snake off his barnacle.. LOVE IT! hahaha, this made me smile.

Thank you! I know I need to go, I've just been cleaning up and working toward exiting. Selling our home and getting our finances separated. He is well aware of my exit plans,but thinks if he is sweet at home, and ignores it I will stay. Not going to happen!

Thanks for listening.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 12:09pm

Wow...Just wow. You really stayed after that?
Edit because I hit enter too soon...

This should have been a big red flag!!! Find your strength to get out of this situation. I lot of women on here are always saying that they are leaving or have an exit strategy, but they normally end up staying. I hope you do not fall into that trap of it is better to stay than leave.

This man is openly spitting on your marriage.

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 12:36pm

I did, but he claimed that he didn't respond so that makes it ok, and that he just laughs it off and doesn't take her too seriously. I'm was getting "bent out of shape" over nothing.

He plays on my insecurity and says that they were just playing around. That if I would have read on I would have seen that. But, really it is what it is. You can't backtrack...and its been 2 years ago..

So why am i still here?

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 1:22pm

YES! That is exactly why!

I have been there where I didn't want to live, and my fear of my son being stuck with DH and my 4 skids is a quick reminder that its not an answer to my problem.

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 1:24pm

I'm pretty sure also.

Everyone in our community thinks he is a saint.. well except me and my BD18.

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 3:18pm

I had and (truthfully still) meditate on what you said. I still am, I am rereading every word, because I believe that is what is most frustrating. I'm not respected...at all.

MarselleB's picture

Submitted by MarselleB on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 2:14pm

You may have already decided to leave, which imo sounds like you should. However, I would tell him the only way you'd consider staying is she can only contact you BOTH in a joint email. All passwords come off, no more secrets. Pick up/drop offs are with you both in attendance. He doesn't go to her house, not without you. He will change his cell number, and she won't have it.

You both will co-parent from now on. Put it all on paper if need be, and give it to him. Make it clear if he doesn't make those changes it's over. And if he can't do all of that, it's pretty simple..serve him papers and get the ball rolling.

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 3:22pm

I don't know, sadly I am as well I just hid her so I don't see her posts. We were friendly right after she remarried. It just became bitter after DH filed for child support.

RunnerUp's picture

Submitted by RunnerUp on Wed, 02/19/2014 - 3:20pm

To be honest, I think leaving is my only option at this point. As a matter of fact its the ONE thing I haven't done. If I'm to be painfully and brutally honest there isn't much I haven't done, with the exception of leaving.