Valentine's Day gifts to your teenage children?
I was all geared up for what was going to be a glorious Valentine’s Day weekend. I bought some flowers, chocolate, a sirloin roast and DW’s favorite bottle of red wine. It’s a long weekend for SS, which meant he was at his Dad’s for 3 days. My parents offered to babysit BS and BD so I was really looking forward to Friday night!
For the most part, the evening was good. Unfortunately, DW decided to break out these gold-fish bowl sized wine glasses that holds about 1.5 times the size of a normal glass. Not that I blame DW for taking these giant-sized wine glasses, but I must remember that I no longer have the drinking constitution of a 25-year-old. The next morning, I painted the toilet bowl several shades of red (hey! Puke that is thematic for Valentine’s day!).
Anyways, that didn’t ruin our evening. What *almost* ruined my evening was seeing DW checking her cell for texts all throughout dinner. It’s not unusual for DW to be checking her cell every few minutes, but normally at the dinner table she puts it away. So here I am, serving the roast to her and topping her wine glass when I catch her checking her text for like the 3rd time (and we haven’t even started eating yet). Last time she was acting this way with her cell, her brother had gotten into a car accident and she was checking her texts for any news. So naturally I asked her if everything was okay.
“Oh, yes” DW says affirmatively. “Everything is fine. Why do you ask?”
I told her that she seemed to be checking her cell more frequently than usual this evening.
“I’m sorry.” DW says. “I know it’s rude but…I gave SS a box of chocolates this morning. I hid it in his school bag before he went to school and I even wrote him a little note….”
Oh boy….Here we go….
“I texted him a couple of times now to see if he got it,” DW continues, “But SS hasn’t responded. No Valentine’s Day wish or anything!”
So here I am, feeling like I have been suddenly plucked out of my natural environment and dropped into the middle of an African village, where the customs of the local people are new and strange to me.
I couldn’t even formulate a proper sentence to explain my confusion
“You…..SS….Valentine’s Day….Huh?”
Help me out STalk. Is it normal for parents to exchange Valentine’s Day gifts/greetings with their children? Teenage children even? I don’t remember my folks ever giving me anything for Valentine’s Day. Oh I may have gotten a box of candy and chocolates when I was 9 or 10 to give out to my classmates. That was cool. Kind of like a candy gift exchange. But when I became a teen, that stopped. But I suppose what confused me is DW expecting something from SS that day.
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Really Draco? You're
Really Draco? You're surprised that your wife exchanges Valentine's Day gifts and greetings with her hus- I mean son?
What did she do last year Valentine's Day?
I'm not at all surprised she did this, why are you?
*LOL* Once upon a time, DW
My parents did for me and my
My parents did for me and my brother. Not really sure if they did it for us when we were older. Maybe just something small. My SO and I did for SD, but she's 3.
I did not do anything for my
I did not do anything for my kids at that age. But I don't really think it is that abnormal for her to give him a box of candy on V-Day.
What is abnormal is her checking her text every few minutes during a romantic dinner with her husband just to see if her teenage son would throw her a bone and acknowledge she gave him something for V-day.
Does your wife bother SS a lot when he is with his dad?
>Does your wife bother SS a
>Does your wife bother SS a lot when he is with his dad?<
Not anymore. When DW gave SS his cell phone they would try to text/skype each other once in a while when SS was at his Dad's. Once Donkeykong got wind of it he confiscated SS’s cell phone.
I wasn’t so much bothered about having my romantic evening interrupted so much as how confused I was over what is considered “normal” mother-son relationship.
My mother always gave me
My mother always gave me something little up until she died when I was 30. When my brothers married, she bought my SILs boxes of chocolate for Valentine's Day as well. I don't believe she did anything for my brothers, but if she didn't have me, maybe she would have.
If your SS doesn't properly acknowledge her gifts, she might tire of it...maybe...
What is more surprising to me
What is more surprising to me is she was sitting there repeatedly checking for some kind of thank-you or 'I love you too, Mommy' from the kid. If she wanted the kid to have a Valentine/thinking of you treat she should have just handed it to him Friday morning or sat it on the breakfast table for when he got up.
Poor kid was likely embarrassed to pieces to get to school and find some silly little box of candy and a 'love you' note from his mother. yeah, that would go over real well in the hallway of the middle school. Except for a simple 'thanks, Mom' when SS sees or talks to her I don't know what else she expects from the kid. But obviously she expects some gushing expression of 'oh, Mom blah blah' in return. Silly woman. Put her kid on the spot in front of his peers (not cool) and then spent her suppose to be romantic dinner with her DH glued to her phone.
Please say she at least also gave a little silly stuffed valentine bear or similar to the other kids before they left for the evening? While it's not inappropriate or of concern she does gift her children with small valentine treats, the way expectations she was having from SS is over the top. I gave DD14 a pair of earrings for a 'love ya' treat Friday morning. Just a small wrapped box sitting where she eats breakfast. Pink CZ heart shaped with real gold and she wore them to school with a pink sweater. No big deal. I got a thank-you Mom. Valentine's Day also happens to be my wedding anniversary (34yrs) so of course DH's and my celebration of Valentine/Anniversary has nothing to do with what I do for the kiddo on Valentine's Day. My mother also gifted a small treat to my sister and I when we were kids and I've always just followed the tradition. It's something Mom and I enjoyed when I was young. Valentine's Day is also my mom's birthday so Valentine's Day has always kinda been a 'family' thing for me.
I actually did this for
I actually did this for Halloween!
DH and I give the kids a
DH and I give the kids a little something for valentines. We usually do not make it anything "romantic" and just let them know that while valentines day is a day for couples, it is also a day to think about those that you love in a non-romantic way. The kids also make gifts for each other and usually for us.
We exchange more "romantic" gifts with each other and usually go on a date. I think the kids do realize that this is the "romantic" part of the holiday and they are excluded from that. It hasn't really been an issue.
Did your DW do anything for your younger bios? I guess I can see why you would be surprised that she did something for a teenager and if she didn't do something for the younger ones I would also think that is very "creepy," I guess since all of our kids are so close in ages it's something we have always done for everyone.
Yes she did (actually we did)
Yes she did (actually we did) do something for my younger two. It wasn't anything big. We bought them some small chocolates and I baked some heart-shaped cookies on Saturday. But my little ones are toddlers so for them this is just another treat. There is nothing there that is "tradition" so I was curious what other people do. Like I said, my folks would also get me a little "something" on Valentine's Day when I was little but once I hit my teens, that stopped.
It's funny that you say that.
It's funny that you say that. DH and I actually discussed that this valentines. I usually get up early on holidays/birthdays and make special pancakes for the kids (heart shaped for valentines, easter eggs for easter, strudel and sprinkles for birthdays etc.) As I was making the pancakes and he was putting their little gifts at the table he asked if we did a disservice by starting this tradition, like is it spoiling them and I said "no, because they look forward to it and look at the gifts they made each other so it's cute, but I guess at some point we should stop right?" He said maybe when OSD turns 12 that will be her last year or maybe just do a candy. We laughed later in the day when I received flowers from my dad and I'm 30 years old lol so I guess it just depends on what everyone is comfortable with.
See...I wouldn't mind doing
See...I wouldn't mind doing stuff like that but SS has this uncanny natural ability to suck the life and fun out of anything remotely resembling a potentially fun family tradition.
For example; Pancakes. I used to make chocolate chip pancakes. I would decorate with straberries and a banana to make it look like a funny face. BS and BD loved it!
SS?
"I don't like strawberries and I don't like bananas".
"SS has this uncanny natural
"SS has this uncanny natural ability to suck the life and fun out of anything remotely resembling a potentially fun family tradition."
Ugh, that is really annoying and really one of the "fun" things blended families get to deal with when trying to have any kind of sense of normalcy. I would keep your traditions with the bios and cereal for SS, I bet he will all of the sudden have an interest in pancakes!
This is something DW and I
This is something DW and I have argued about and it still surprises me that DW still doesn't get it. BS and BD are at the age now where they are starting to remember these little traditions. They'll specifically ask for "happy face pancakes", etc. Every winter we build a HUGE snowman in the yard. I take BS and BD to swimming lessons etc.
DW says that SS "feels left out" when we do these special things for BS and BD, but the truth is that we have always included SS in these activities but he quickly gets bored, or too tired, or startes whining that he doesn't like it, etc. As the expression goes "You can bring a horse to water but you can't force it to drink". SS does the classic teenage pouting/manipulation trick, and he gets DW running to him to coddle and smother him EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! "
"What's wrong SS? Why are you unhappy SS? Well what would you like to do then SS?"
I keep telling DW to stop doing that! Let SS wallow in his pity. He dug himself that hole. Why should we be the ones to pull him out?
I don't know if it's normal
I don't know if it's normal or not but I don't like it. My parents never did that. The only Valentines I got were those cheesy things kids exchange at school. I was well aware that it was different for adults. For them, it meant real love and romance.
I have no idea if DH gave his kids V-day gifts this year because he had them for a few hours during the day while I was at work and then had them at the sitter's before I even got home. It wouldn't surprise me though. Last year he handed out V-day gifts at the dinner table. His daughter and I both got earrings and a card. Ugh. Mine was nicer but still, really, DH? As if it wasn't bad enough that they were even with us that day...
Lol! That's too funny!
Lol! That's too funny!
*sigh* Actually, at SS's
*sigh*
Actually, at SS's request, DW bought a gift for SS to give to his Girlfriend....
I know, I know...I am not even gonna TRY to make sense of that one. Triple Integral Calculus is easier on my brain.
"stepdown can i have some of
"stepdown can i have some of your candy?" She is so dumb.
Or she got the munchies again!
A little box of candy for
A little box of candy for your kid for Valentine's Day? That's no biggie. I gave BS17 and SS14 each a card and a little bag of their favorite candies just as a way to celebrate the holiday. Giving your kid something you'd give a SO, like a dinner out or jewelry or whatnot, that would be gross and creepy.
I don't think the candy was the problem, Draco. The problem was your DW needing to text the kid during your romantic dinner. That would've burned me up! Little bit of ick factor there.
But that is just it. Normally
But that is just it. Normally DW *IS* in the moment with me. It's actually unusual of her to break away from me to tend to SS. In no way did it ruin our romantic evening. She didn't seem upset that SS didn't throw her a bone (if she was, she sure masked it well).
DH buys a small box of candy
DH buys a small box of candy for each of his daughters. I remember my dad doing the same for me all the way up until he died. I don't think it's abnormal or inappropriate .. as long as it's not excessive.
> my DH texts with the kids
> my DH texts with the kids 24/7 and they NEVER EVER leave the house.<
SS does that! He'll text DW when they are both in the house! Not even 20 feet away from each other. You know?
"Can I have a coke?"
DW will actually show me the text and I will just shake my head.
Fortunately, DW has the presence of mind to not respond, but then SS will persist
"Mom? U there?"
DW still won't respond. Try using your vocal chords!
"Is your phone off?"
Uh...Yeah....That's why DW is not answering you SS.
"I'm rly thirsty!
Oh my goodness! How is the poor precious capable of hitting the little letters on his keypad!? His thirst must be making him googly-eyed!
Ever look at "age appropriate
Ever look at "age appropriate chores" lists?
SS is 13 and should be able to:
Prepare the occasional meal,
Baby sit
Take care of personal hygiene without being prompted,
Set their alarm clock
Dust
Vacuum
Change bedsheets
Clean Windows
Do the dishes
SS can't do any of these, but if I look up the list I find that he can handle about 66% of the chores listed that is suitable for a 6-7 year old.
BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH
BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
oh wait. *sigh*. mine are the same way........ :O
too funny misss! i think
too funny misss!
i think draco's wife likely does have the addiction to codependency.
we dont do anything with skids for VDay, the boys just arent into it.
but just as a matter of opinion, I think it's really more of a romantic holiday. i think little gifts for little kids is nice, but once they are old enough to have their OWN romance, the parent stuff should stop, and they can start training the kids how to handle romance properly! again, JMHO....
I downgraded my phone to a
I downgraded my phone to a basic talk/text phone. No data, no apps, no Facebook. It's amazing how dependent people are on these dang devices. People ask me all the time, "How do you go without it? it's SOO convenient?!"
I just tell them, "The same way I did without 10 years ago."
My portion of the phone bill is $30/month. DH still has a data/smartphone because of his work, but it's paid for by them. Prior to my downgrade, our combined bill was almost $180/month. Forget just the time and quality of life improvements .. it saves us money. Our cell phone savings in one year alone will pay for our family vacation this summer.
We got them some chocolates
We got them some chocolates and on Saturday I baked them some heart-shaped cookies. We don't go too overboard with the treats because they still have left-over treats from Christmas (Halloween even!). Plus they got a bag full of treats from the daycare.
Situatuon A) "Here's a box of
Situatuon A) "Here's a box of chocolates kids. Happy Valentines Day!"
Situation
Sneak box of chocolates in shool bag. Attach pretty handcrafted note "From the love of your life! Mom." Then check cell every five minutes expecting a gushing outpouring of love and affection for having recieved said box of chocolates.
Yeah...you're right. How can I see the difference? I really am a hypocrit!
I think it's pathetic for
I think it's pathetic for your DW to be so involved with SS - particularly on V-Day! I have 3 sons - 31, 21 and 15 - they don't get Valentines Day gifts from me. They understand that it's all about couples and the love they share for eachother. They are happy with birthday gifts, xmas and easter - that's it.
If I did to my 15 yr old Son, what your DW did, he would be mortified! I'm sure he'd tell me that it made him feel as uncomfortable as all hell.
I also think your DW may need a lesson in etiquette and how to behave when your partner goes to so much trouble to put on a beautiful spread! She should've turned her phone off and focused all her attention on you and the night.
and btw - I think what you did for her, was just sensational! Good on you for going to all that trouble.
Actually what I will do is
Actually what I will do is wait until next year when DW tries to do the same thing again. I am going to ask her "Why? SS never even acknowledged receiving those chocolates let alone say thank you. If I send someone a gift for a special occasion and they don't even say 'thank you', I wouldn't bother sending them a gift again, but that's just me."
ETA: Oh, and yes I *CAN* blame the kid. Last Mother's Day he did something which I thought was absolutely deplorable. After I picked him up from his Dad's place, I stopped by the store and asked if he wanted to come inside to pick out some flowers and get a card for his Mom. He said no. He was more interested in playing on his cell phone. I tried, in the nicest way possible, to tell him how is mother would appreciate it. Nope. Nothing was registering. It was like knocking on the door but nobody was home. Only when we got home and I presented DW with her Mother's Day gifts did SS FINALLLY get the message "Oh snap! I shoulda bought something for my MOm!". He quickly ran to his room and made a card with some used printing paper and a black marker. I don't expect SS to become a rocket scientist but he has got to learn to think of other people besides himself. Heck he couldn't be bothered to get off his lazy arse to get his own GF a valentine's day present. He got DW to do that for him. I know the problem stems from parental upbringing, but at some point, children (teenagers) have to be held accountable for their actions (or lack therof)
Holding a grudge would entail
Holding a grudge would entail that SS did something to slight me and I am resentful of him. That is not the case. To put it in perspective, my frustration is almost identical to when I warn the boss here at work not to do XYZ because it is going to cause our department A LOT of problems in the long run but boss decides to do XYZ anyways. Fast forward to the future and we are suffering the consequences of one manager's actions. Manager won't take the blame though. Nor will he look on this as a lesson to listen to me.
That is what it is like with SS. I talk to him, guide him, and even throw off the veil so that he can see into the crystal ball that I am using. And nothing registers.
Seriously, I know autistic children who are more responsive. It is my hope that maybe one day SS will wake up out of this fugue he's in and realize that I was right and that he should listen to me. SS is not stubborn, not does he hate me. He's just a lazy-ass kid who has never had anyone give him a swift kick in the rear end!
But yeah, part of the reason why he is this way is because no one taught him to do as he is told and to think ahead. I suppose I could blame DW and Donkeykong for that, but I am not about to play the blame game. He's a big boy now (taller than me even) and I am holding him more and more accountable.
Hey Draco, havent been on in
Hey Draco, havent been on in a while but today I am and here you are.
Yes I do give my daughters Valentine's Day gifts and they are 14 almost 15.
Your two younger ones were recognized but you feel it wasnt ok to recognize her son?
Draco, you are in the same exact boat as most women are here on ST with their stepdaughters and fathers. There is something about a father's bond with a daughter esp when the father has divorced the mother. I am a daughter myself so I know the daughter father bond, I have to daughters so I can see the bond between their Daddy and them. And I have a husband who has two daughters himself. MY DH only has that bond with the oldest daughter somewhat.
Women and son's have that Momma's boy bond. You can not expect her to do for the younger ones and not do something for the older. Just because he isnt yours doesnt devalue him in your wifes eyes. She feels because of the divorce he got the shit end of the stick. I get that feeling, I have had that once or twice through the years.
So I cant agree with you (surprise huh?) on the point about Valentine's Day presents. I think this child is held to very high standards by you probably the only one in his life tha gives him standards. But that is true in the case of most of us.
I look back now that SD18 is gone and I think the following things:
I am not built to be a stepmom. I am far to honest and open with children to be a stepparent to anyone. A parent yes. Step parent no. I wont think twice about telling one of my girls how much of a slob they are (and if you saw their rooms you would get that) but if I dared to tell SD that and I have, it is like she is taking a knife. And that is because her parents would never say those words to her. Im a call it like it is, take me or leave me kinda girl, wife and Mom. Im not changing for her.
I am not built to be a stepmom and someones wife and advisor of their kids. Why? Because of what I have said above. You daughter was caught stealing and fired from her part time job. When DH wonders out loud why I answer. Which is because you allowed her to steal in our home from me and my children. I told you to address it and you didnt which is just another epic fail on his part. I have nothing constructive or positive to say about his child.
We as step parents will always see the bad first in our steps, and the good second. The key is to recognize that and accept that these childten will never live up to our expectations, and neither will their parents.
The only thing I see wrong in this is the fact that your DW was checking her phone. But I see fault in that with you as well because you didnt ask her to stop. Draco rather then harbor those feelings later you need to start to speak up about your place with her. I have made this mistake in the past. Battle her actions with you not her actions with her child. This relationship she has with him is never going to change ever. Regardless of your feelings about it
>If you were writing this as
>If you were writing this as a novel, what would you make the protagonist do to change this?????<
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
How does a hound that can catch whatever it hunts, catch a fox that cannot be caught?
Why do hot dogs get sold in packs of 10 while hot dog buns get sold in packs of 8?
Why do we drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
Why did Diogenes with his lamp believe he can find an honest man?
How can I learn to accept my SS for who he is?
Sometimes there is no straight answer to the questions we ask. I used to stay up nights trying to answer the last question. Had nightmares about it actually. The more I dissect the question, the more angles I approach it, the more I agonize over it, the more I come back to the same question.
And then people ask me "why are you agonizing, hurting yourself over this?",...My only answer would be "Because I wouldn't be a good step-father if I didn't."
Now. This may not have made a minutae of sense - Not sure if I understand it myself to be honest - but that is the best answer I can give.
My father is my bio-father.
My father is my bio-father. My grandfather was a stepgrandfather.
>Stop trying to engineer the answer. LOL You are an over achiever at over analyzing! <
Guilty as charged.
>Your two younger ones were
>Your two younger ones were recognized but you feel it wasnt ok to recognize her son?<
SERIOUSLY!?!? First of all, I never said that. I just think it is a little weird for a mother to be giving little gifts to her teenage son in the same manner that two lovers would - AND THEN be so focused on what the kid's reaction would be that it would distract her (momentarily) from a romantic evening. I can see Vicky (SS's GF) doing something like this (i.e sneaking a little love note inside SS's school bag). I just can't wrap my brain around a mother doing that.
But who knows? Maybe when my BD becomes a teen, I will be so focused on her and I will buy her a dozen roses with the note "From the love of your life, Dad" sneak it into her school bag and think it's totally natural.
We are now Monday. DW just called me 15 minutes ago and she is still pondering over this "Why hasn't SS answered my texts or called me to wish me Happy Valentine's Day!? I hope he got the gift. Maybe his cell died?"
Urm yeah....I am sure that's it, even though he has both his cell and charger with him....Or maybe he simply "forgot" to acknowledge having received your chocolates. You know? Out of sight, out of mind? SS has been known to do that. And because you have developed this weird co-dependency on him, the fact that he hasn't called you to wish you Happy Valentine's Day only amplifies the pain you surely must be feeling.
But yeah....let's go with 'his cell phone died'.
H used to give/send candy to
H used to give/send candy to the skid. I'm sure she got something this year too.
I think valentines may have
I think valentines may have originally been for lovers but that it is not anymore.
When picking out a card for DH there were cards for teachers, nieces, nephews, someone special, mom, dad friend etc. etc. etc.
When you walk down the valentine's aisle there is "Scooby doo candy hearts" and "Spiderman candy hearts" etc. Kids have "valentine's parties at school and pass out cards to all of their friends"
This holiday has become about everything other than lovers IMO.
>Kids have "valentine's
>Kids have "valentine's parties at school and pass out cards to all of their friends"<
When I was younger, that was one of my fondest memories about Valentine's Day. We would make these little mailboxes out of cardboard and decorate them to suit the theme of Valentine's Day. On the days leading up to Valentine's Day kids would drop candies, chocolates and little cards in them. Then, on Valentine's Day itself, we would open them to see all the goodies we got, and who secretly had a crush on us. We would also learn about the Christian martyr, and how - for the longest time - people believed that the emotion of love came from the heart. We learned about the legend of Cupid, etc. We examined poetry writings, and discussed them. We even debated the issue of what is considered acceptable in a person's pursuit for love. We did all this when we were 11 and 12.
I asked SS if the school do anything like this and he said no. Valentine's Day is "just like any other day".
I asked SS if the school do
I asked SS if the school do anything like this and he said no. Valentine's Day is "just like any other day".
^^^Really? Both skids and bios did valentines cards, made mail boxes, etc. I'm surprised.
The only reason why I think
The only reason why I think they don't do anything "big" on Valentine's day is because this is the end of the semester. Report cards are going to be issued this week so I imagine the teacher's are pretty busy? I dunno.
Yep! I make little candy
Yep! I make little candy envelopes (hey, I'm really crafty) for both bios and skids (all over 13) and put candy in it.
My parents still call or text a "Happy Valentine's Day" wish to all of us.
Thanks MarieJeanne, Truth be
Thanks MarieJeanne,
Truth be told I may have overcooked the roast a little. But it was still a good meal and a very memorable occasion. I guess I didn't want to make a big deal over this because DW and I did have good time Friday. Maybe TOO good. I suffered for it the next morning.
We don't ever buy anything
We don't ever buy anything for the skids. It's supposed to be a romantic holiday, so I just don't see how it's related to children at all. We don't really believe in Valentine's anyway and me and DH didn't exchange gifts at all. My SD14 wished me a Happy Valentine's while I was getting ready for work. They had the day off because of snow and SD and SS actually made us a really nice heart made out of cardboard and tissue paper with a really nice note on it. We actually felt bad because it never occurred to us to give them anything.
Draco, What did your wife do
Draco,
What did your wife do for YOU?
DW got me some rose shaped
DW got me some rose shaped chocolates (neat! I never seen those before) and a card. Funny thing is, both the cards we got each other had "Be Mine" written on them.
To be honest, I don't need Valentine's Day as a special reminder that my DW loves me. I mean it's nice and all, but DW hugs and kisses me every day. When we watch TV together she snuggles up to me, etc.
I guess what I am saying is that I am the type of guy who appreciates the small gestures over a grandiose outpouring of affection.
Just glad to hear that she
Just glad to hear that she thought of you as well. It sounds like you deserve it!