Advice on if I should speak up or not, not step related.
So yesterday I posted about how I am watching my nephew. Well my SIL (my DH's sister) was telling me the sched she would pick him up. She's a teacher and school lets out at 2:20, I know this because my brother graduated from the school she teaches at a couple years ago. Anyway, when she was going over this she was like "well, I'll be here by 3 on x days and at 4 on x days but on the days I get him by 4 i could maybe get him earlier if he's being fussy because I usually do a crossfit program with the other teachers but I could maybe skip that." Well I didn't think anything of it at the time because I thought it was school related but now I'm wondering if my SIL is trying to leave her son her longer than usual to get a workout in. The situation going on here is that for the past few years her husband has been trying to "find himself" and one day he mentioned to her that he'd always dreamed of going to the navy. Well she strongly encouraged him to do it(he's 26) and so he did and he just left this week. Well for the past 3 months he's been a SAHD and has taken care of their son and SIL would come home late somedays because she'd work out. I sympathize for her because now she's doing it on her own (kind of, SIL & BIL moved in w/ MIL once they decided he'd go to the military so they could save money which was like 5 months ago) but I feel like once work is over she needs to come get her son, especially because of how much work he is. Am I being insensitive? I know she's having a hard time right now but at the same time I feel like she shouldn't have pushed her husband into going into the military. Dn't get me wrong, I'm patriotic and I love the military but they JUST had a baby and had just bought a house, like they literally lived in their house like 6 months before selling it because he joined the military. Should I talk to her and let her know I'm not okay with watching him later so she can work out? Maybe I'd feel different if she was like "hey, i work out on x day, is it cool if he stays an hour later" but she's not attempting to change her sched at all she just has this attitude of like 'you're watching him already so what's an hour more?". It's like she's just continuing on with how it was before when her husband was here doing everything for her. I know it's going to be a tough adjustment for her because he did literally everything, he watched the baby, cleaned, did laundry, the only reason he didn't cook is because they live w/ MIL and she did that for them. She's basically been being waited on hand and foot and it's not like that anymore. Anyway, am I wrong for being annoyed? Would you say something?
I should mention she isn't paying me right now, we agreed that when I go back to work in June that she will watch my baby until she leaves to wherever her Dh get's stationed in Sept. However my husband will be getting our baby as soon as he gets out of work, we aren't going to leave her there and run errands and pick her up whenever we're done.
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She is not paying you, I'm
She is not paying you, I'm sure there is a daycare at her gym, I would suggest she either take them to the gym daycare, or pay you for her "gym" time if you feel like being that generous.
Yeah, I'm waiting it out to
Yeah, I'm waiting it out to see what really happens. the past few days she has seemed like she felt bad because I let her know her pretty much cried the whole he was here except for the time he fed and slept. I feel the same way that she is going to have learn to be resourceful because her husband will be gone for long periods of time. I don't she fully thought this through when she was encouraging her husband to join. They don't really know anyone in the military and esp not the navy and so I don't she fully realizes that this isn't just for the time he is in BT, her days of having him with her all the time are gone, esp since the job he got will require him to be on ship for long periods of time.
LOL!! I should say that to
LOL!! I should say that to her haha. Maybe if i throw some humor in there she'll get the point that I'm not really down.
Was this discussed before you
Was this discussed before you agreed to watch the baby?
I can relate to what askYOURdad said... when I was single and had a 3yo and 5yo there were times I wouldn't pick them up right away, specifically one day a week. I lived in a very small town and drove 30 miles one way to work to a larger city. My kids' sitter was in the small town. I had an agreement with her (discussed BEFOREHAND) that one day a week, usually Thursday, I would pick them up later because I would grocery shop and run errands in the city on that day. Other than that, I was usually picking up my kids within an hour of getting off of work. Any other "special" circumstances, I asked her first, then made plans. Also note that I had no relatives close to me (closest was 20 miles in the opposite direction of work) nor any friends close by so the only person I *could* ask was my sitter. Shoot, there were times I'd get to my sitter's house and my kids were eating dinner with sitter's family (her SEVEN KIDS).
My question is this: if you feel she is being somewhat irresponsible now by not being there every day by 3pm to pick up her child, how is it going to pan out when she's keeping your child and can't go here or there at a whim (without schlepping a couple kids along)?
I guess in my own pointy-headed opinion it's no big deal... where it would become a big deal for me is if she put her crossfit in front of errands you may need to do (meaning, you NEED her to get her kid at 3 but she doesn't want to) ~OR~ her 4pm starts turning into 4:30...5:00...5:30. THEN I'd take issue with it.
Nope it wasn't discussed at
Nope it wasn't discussed at the time that we agreed that I would watch the baby now and she watch mine later (we had agreed to this about around the time my baby was born in Dec. She came over at the beginning of this week and was just giving me his daily routine/schedule and that's when she said this, it was just non chalant. I wouldn't really be bothered if she was like "hey, is it cool if i leave him an extra hour on x days so i can work out?" kwim? I also wouldn't mind so much if my nephew wasn't so hard. They keep saying "oh he's sooooo easy." but it seems whenever I'm around he's flying off the handle. lol.
She wants to go to the gym,
She wants to go to the gym, she can take the kid with her. Most gyms have day cares. I did this with BS19 for years. This is not your kid, she is taking advantage of you.
This is kind of what I was
This is kind of what I was thinking. I guess if she was paying me some type of flat rate I wouldn't think too much of it also if she wasn't just assuming it's okay for her to leave him an extra hour so she can workout I wouldn't care too.
My two cents is that while
My two cents is that while this is annoying, it's not a hill to die on. It's not worth the family drama or the possiblity of losing out on childcare for your child in the future.
If it realllly bugs you and you can't let it go, then try to create some reason why you need the kid picked up by X time. That might keep her from feeling judged or getting pissed at you.
yeah, I definitely see what
yeah, I definitely see what you guys mean and I do agree that it could cause fam drama. My husband seems annoyed too and was like "i'm calling my sister" but I told him I didn't want him to do that because I don't want it to seem like I'm being an ass.
Thanks Ripley, that sounds
Thanks Ripley, that sounds like a great approach
I'm hoping he does get easier. Well she is quitting her job when school lets out so her last day is at the end of May but she's told me that if he's too hard she will just quit her job because she won't be working anymore because she'lll be a full time military momma. I think what's bothering me also is that she told me that there is a possibility that she may leave in May if the military allows her to move with her husband while he's in tech school. So there is a possibiity of her leaving me high and dry with my baby in june. She said she'll pay me for the time I watch her son but it kind of just leaves me on stand by of IF she stays or not. Yeah, she's a little dingy sometimes about things but I do trust her.
Personally, I wouldn't
Personally, I wouldn't arrange things this way. You're too likely to be (or at least to feel) taken advantage of.
If possible, have her pay a small hourly rate (like $5) for when he's with you. And you'll put it aside to be used to pay her when she looks after your baby. If she does. You're still doing her a huge favour, but you'll also be accumulating a small amount of money to be used for your baby's childcare, which you will be grateful for if she bails on you. She sounds a little flighty and used to other people picking up her slack, so she might be the type to leave you hanging.
If she were to go early, would she really find and pay for childcare for your child for as long as she gets free childcare from you? Of course not, she'd just leave.
I'd also have 'hours'. Like, you're not available 24/7. If she wants to have one day a week to pick him up late and it doesn't disrupt your personal life, fine. But you providing free childcare is a favour, so you should feel good about doing it, not like you are pushed into a corner.