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Who said a 50-50 split is bad for kids?

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 8:38am

I was just responding to a poster's comment that said 50-50 splits are the worst thing you can do to a kid, which prompted me to write this particular blog.

Seriously, who decided the 50-50 splits are bad for children? Now, I know there's no magical arrangement that fits for every situation. There are far too many factors to consider when determining custody arrangements to say "one-size-fits-all".

However, I think the sweeping statement that 50-50 splits just messes kids up is just as bad as stating every birth mom should always have full custody of the children.

What really messes kids up?

Parents who aren't over each other. Parents who want to interfere and dictate what should be happening at the other parent's home. Parents who do not parent. Parents who pull stunts like poisoning their kids against their ex, or taking absurd amounts of money from their ex, or trying to stop their ex from seeing the children. Parents who are determined to be seen as victims by anyone who will listen to them. Parents who are angry.

50-50 splits do not in themselves mess kids up.

It was also said that only selfish bio parents insist on a 50-50 split.

Really?

Who am I to stop my son from being with his dad? And, possibly equally important, how can we complain as stepmoms about crazy biomom stunts that prevent our husbands from seeing their kids, and yet also complain that our husbands shouldn't have so much access to their kids?

My son would have been incredibly upset not to have been able to visit with both me and his dad on a 50-50 basis. We did change the structure so that it was more days at one house before the switch to the other house (our son didn't like being at one house just for a day or two and then switching to the other house for a day or two - he didn't like having to pack up his electronics to take with him every other day) so we switched to what is almost a full week at either house at a time. But to take away time from being with his dad, or being with me? Absolutely no way would we do that to him.

If I was going to be selfish, I would have insisted on keeping him with me more, especially as I have sole custody. Because I am NOT selfish, I arranged for a 50-50 split - because that was in the best interest of my son.

That was a sacrifice on my part, but it was a sacrifice for my son's best interests and therefore worth it.

Comments

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 8:46am

Yep, I agree with you! Doesn't work for everyone, but it's like I said; a sweeping statement that 50-50 is what messes kids up, that just isn't right Smile

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 8:52am

We did the same thing several years ago. My skids were with their birth mom about 75% of the time, they were also failing courses and medicated for conditions they didn't have. (Ironically, she would complain to us about how hard it was having the kids so much, but when we went to take our 50-50 split, she freaked out lol - not because it wasn't better for the kids, but because she didn't want to go so long without seeing them... Did I mention the part about PARENTS messing up their kids?!)

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 8:54am

I agree with you as well, that is a ridiculous schedule. Especially as it seems to disrupt everyone, but only favour the birth mom and dad. That isn't what I am arguing of course - it's too bad that they are putting their needs first by the sounds of it!

Generic's picture

Submitted by Generic on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 8:55am

Does the person who said that have 50/50 with their skids and resent it? I've seen MANY SMs use justification like that to oppose so much visitation.

Generic's picture

Submitted by Generic on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 9:13am

Then consider her perspective is based on resentment, not on "what's best for the kids". It's just a handy justification so I wouldn't take it too seriously.

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 9:15am

Ya, I recognized that! I didn't take it personally or anything, but it made me think perhaps we need to throw the topic out there...

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 8:57am

IC..I did not think about that. So let me clarify my response... 50/50 is best if it is in bigger blocks of time that a few days. That schedule that the poster you are talking about has...is CRAZY!

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 9:55am

50/50 wouldn't work for us. We live in 2 different states. EOW is all DH gets. I'm bracing myself though, he is contemplating taking his daughter full time so she can attend HS in our district. We'll see how that goes...

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 11:00am

If 50/50 allows both parents to parent, why are there so many stepmoms here complaining about all the work they have to do during their week of stephell?

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 11:29am

Stereotype much?

DH parents just as much as I do, and he should. That is his son. The 50/50 works for us on both sides. My bios and my SS. These are very "blanket" comments Monkey.

ETA: My ex is not remarried, and does not have a girlfriend. He does it alllll on his own, like a big boy!

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 11:47am

NO, he is single for a lot of reasons, many of the same reasons I divorced him. My girls are not one of them. In fact, his last girlfriend (and she wasn't the only one)... stayed as long as she did BECAUSE of my girls. She loves them.

I have been on these boards for 8 years (YES EIGHT, different screen names). I have seen about equal, 50/50 that works, and that doesn't.

I was referring to the stereotypical comment regarding dads leaving the parenting to the SM, and the BM being happy with 50/50 because they get time without the kids. While I do need a break from time to time (like most moms do) I wouldn't say that I choose 50/50 in order to GET that break. I choose 50/50 because that is what is best for my kids. They deserve BOTH parents in their lives, equally. He was a bad husband, not a bad dad.

I know plenty of stories here that have good, involved and caring dads. We can't negate that. To throw a blanket comment saying that most cases Dad's don't take care of their responsibilities as parents is completely disrespectful to those that do. It's saying that it is "mostly true" that they are all deadbeats. Which I completely disagree with. How many of these dads that have less than 50/50 have tried tirelessly to get MORE custody? A LOT. How many have had their names run through the mud by BM's so they won't WANT to spend time with them... A LOT.

Just sayin'.... not one single situation here is the same. NONE of them.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 12:41pm

Jumping up and down.........exactly..

50/50 wouldn't have worked in H's case......skid lived 1.5 hours away. Moving closer would have been impossible due to our careers.

However.....when she was little and lived closer to Uberskank, it was 50/50 and he helped at her school.

They only switched to EOWE when Uberskank moved away.

Journey1982's picture

Submitted by Journey1982 on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 4:16pm

@monkey - what planet do you live on? Your statements have no basis. I've noticed you've made the same comments about fathers in the past. WTH? I've asked you before, what information do you base your information on? In the past you never answered me.

Children have EVERY right to have both their parents in their lives as much as possible.

farting_glitter's picture

Submitted by farting_glitter on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 11:18am

my exH and I have 50/50..it works for us...everyone's living situations are different...my kids are very well adjusted to it..no problems in school, no social problems, no behavorial problems....you have to do what works the best for the Bio parents and kids....

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 11:23am

50/50 works for us. My girls get to see their dad as much as they do me. I don't ask him for child support (why would I, he has them as often as I do) and everyone is happy. We haven't yet switched to a week on week off. We will see. What we have has been working so far, not sure if it is worth changing it.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 1:14pm

Quote: >Who am I to stop my son from being with his dad?<

See? Right there, you have placed yourself in a position to see what is best for your child. I only wish my DW could do the same. No, she won't prevent my SS from seeing his father, but she is still (and I am ashamed to write this) blinded by many unresolved issues surrounding the break-up between her and her ex and that diminishes her capacity to be an effective parent. Even though it has been years since their break-up, the mere mention of her ex's name sends my DW into an uncontrollable fit of rage.

I often wondered, "how do parents, who despise each other so much, set aside their differences so they can co-parent their child?". The more I ponder the question, the more I realize that it seems impossible. Maybe it is possible, but not without help and even if the help comes and both parents do finally get a grip and get over themselves - what if it is too late?

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 6:58pm

Thanks Drac0 - and it is because I have no feelings (of any kind) for his dad, but tons of love for my son that I can easily (mostly easily!) set aside my feelings and do what is right for our child. Doesn't mean that I like it, it just means that it's the best choice. Sure I'd rather have my son with me all the time, but I don't live my life that way - I can't be selfish, for me, it isn't right. Too bad about your wife - she's really hurting herself most of all by not letting go of her rage.

On the flipside, my husband's ex-wife is the one who goes on and on and on about how she does everything for the children and wants only the best for the children, but it's all talk. She's the first one to go apeshit about anything - and she has demonstrated time and again that she is not over my husband - perhaps it's jealousy, I'm not sure, but you get the point. The truth is, you really can't effectively coparent if you just can't get over yourself. I am sorry you live with this in your home - it's hard.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Wed, 02/05/2014 - 8:23am

Don't get me wrong. There are times I wish SS would be with us full time because whenever he comes back from his Dad's he is horribly - and I mean HORRIBLY - attention starved (and sleep deprived).

I do believe that a child should be with both bio parents in equal measure but my wife's ex treats his son like he is property. This only fuels my wife's guilt who feels it is her responsibility to shower *even more* love and attention to my SS and much of my vents here on STalk is me trying to deal with this mess that we call a blended family.

So for me, my feelings on a 50/50 custodial split is a bit like what Winston Churchill said about democracy "They say it's the worst form of government, but everything else has been tried and they have failed"

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

Submitted by Bio-Step-Mom on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 2:28pm

I've known several people to successfully pull off 50/50. One, DH before the twins started kindergarten. Another guy I'd dated previously had 50% custody after his ex moved a few hundred miles away. That was 6 months out the year until school started. Which I think is a little harder to pull off but they did it. A friend, when her parents split dad moved within walking distance (again, not many people are going to pull this off). They would go between the two houses really as they pleased.

And when my kids were little their dad and I were on a 3/4 day schedule (with him 3 days, with me 4 so roughly 50/50 as obviously we didn't trade off at midnight!).

I really do like and enjoy my stepkids but I don't think I could/could have handled 50/50 (or more) custody. Maybe offensive to some, but honest.