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Will I always be the outsider?

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 11:31am

My boyfriend, who lives with me, has his two girls, 6 and 9, every other weekend. The youngest one and I get along very well and she's a little sweetie, the 9 year old is rude, always talks back and runs the show the minute she walks into my house.

Lately I've noticed that my boyfriend and the nine year old act like a married couple. The nine year old runs the show and my boyfriend totally backs her up. I can't say anything about anything without him jumping down my throat and the nine year old does the same thing. They also yell at each other like they're on the same level and she always get away with screaming at her dad.

Every weekend we have the kids, him and I end up fighting over how we disagree with how the household is run and where I stand as far as an authority figure. He has basically told me that they're his kids and he will make all the rules. I am not to try to be their mother (which I never try to be) and to he just wants me around to "enjoy" time with him and his kids.

For me, this is impossible when the nine year old is bossy, controlling and treats me like the help and my boyfriend turns into someone else.

I told my bf that I no longer want to participate in the weekend activities with the kids b/c I can't deal with the drama and disrespect. He thought that was a terrible thing for me to do. I don't know what else to do? I get into such a panic when his kids come over because I never know whats going to happen. He will not change the way he parents his kids and he doesn't see anything wrong with how the nine year old behaves. He also said that the six year old with likely start to behave like the nine year old in a couple of years.

What the heck am I supposed to do?

Comments

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 12:04pm

Me too.

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 12:50pm

My boyfriend parents out of guilt as well. Thank you so much for your advise, I really appreciate it.

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 12:05pm

It's not just daughters, unfortunately. My guy and his son have been on their own together for about 6 years and they act like spouses and equals. It took a lot of arguing and me pointing shit out to him and it was an up hill battle. He finally started to come to terms with how he was letting the child run the house and me and they acted like they were a couple.

After what I felt like were wayyy too many discussions and arguments about it, he evenutally started realizing what he was doing, but i think b/c the child psychologist told him the same thing!

I've seen this with a lot of my friends that are single parents not just ones with split custody, their guilt and their own emotional needs are fulfilled by the children. The kid quite a few months ago actually said to his dad "I'm the leader of you you do what I say, I'm your leader I rule you" SAID THAT IN PUBLIC and apparently said that once before. I had enough and I told the kid after his swim meet "do you have something you need to apologize to your dad about?" (after I gave my spouse time to address it on his own and he did not) and he knew exactly what I was talking about.
I started calling it out on my own when he wouldn't do anything. I don't know if I recommend it but I asked my spouse if he were to talk to his own dad like that what would've happened. He eventually got the point.

Things have changed now quite a bit over the past year, but he also again has his child psychologist telling him basically the same things.

Kids need to be kids they feel safer when adults are in control, whether they think so or not.
Now it's "excuse me daddy, may I" I took a lot of work but it can be done. He might need to hear it from someone other than you.

I've straight up told him more than once "Do you want your child as your life partner or me? B/c one day he's going to grow up and have a life of his own and your's will be very lonely if this how you are going to choose to keep living"

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 12:52pm

I'm so glad for you that you and your guy were able to make these changes. Maybe there's hope for my guy. Thank you so much for this, much appreciated.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 1:46pm

i'd tell that man that he's more than welcome to "parent" the way he sees fit away from you and your home. why in the world you allow a man and his kids to treat you this way, especially in your own home, is beyond me. honey, you teach people how to treat you. sounds like they are wayyyy behind in their lessons.

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 4:54pm

^^^What all these ladies said!!!^^^

The problem is that your BF has not established proper boundaries for his daughter. There seems to be little to no discipline or structure. Those are all HUGE RED FLAGS. This problem will get worse as she gets older. There is absolutely nothing you can do about this until your BF steps up and decides to parent instead of being his daughter's buddy.
The only choice here is if you put up with it or not.

Two of my favorite quotes from this site.....

What you permit, you promote
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone should be.

Good luck