One thing I have learned is that as stepparents, everything wil lalways be our fault, whether it actually is or not. We will always be the whipping boy (or girl). Always, always.

If her dad isn't bothering to do anything about her, things won't change. IMO, she needs to move out. She's a legal adult, and if she can't pitch in, buh-bye.

Geesh, she sounds JUST like my SD15. The girl has NEVER lifted a finger to do anything to help out around the house. She is a nasty, filthy, slob and DH does nothing about it. We have been in our home a little over two years now, I take great pride in our home, it is ALWAYS clean and tidy. It's a newer construction and very beautiful, so sorry DH if I get a little pissed about SD15 nasty room and bathroom. (dirty dishes, garbage, clothes, etc everywhere) Now, when she was living with BM, DH would bitch about how nasty their house was, how he had gone in SD15 room a couple of times and it was disgusting. But now apparently, that she is under OUR roof, that is OK?? Nobody in our home can take a bath anymore, because only one bathroom has a bathtub and that is the bathroom that only SHE uses and it's disgusting and I refuse to clean it and DH won't make her. BS4 will comment on SD15 "nasty room" I remember one time over the summer, he and I were walking a trail in our area and there was this swampy part where the water smelled really bad. I made a comment about how nasty the water was and BS (who was 3 at the time) said "Oh, like SD15?" Even HE knows, but still DH does nothing about it. I hate the double standard crap, but have given up on fighting about it.

I finally had to get a little nasty and lay the law down with my DH about the "borrowing" stuff. This is how it would go down: SD15 (who refuses to speak to me) would go to DH and ask if I had a sweater, or makeup, or shampoo, or nail polish or what the fuck ever that she could "borrow" Well I KNOW how she takes care of her things. I KNOW that if let something of mine go into her room or bathroom I will NEVER see it again or if I do see it again, it will be trashed. So I would always tell DH "no" Then he would get pissed at ME. I finally said this is ridiculous, how bout you just stop asking me. I don't want to "loan" my things, I'm a selfish bitch. I don't want to be put on the spot by you asking me and me feeling like I have to say yes, or you're going to get pissed, so just stop asking. So far, so good, that has worked.

My biggest problem is that I feel like SD15 is NEVER going to leave, never going to be self sufficient because DH and BM have crippled her by not expecting her to even simply clean up after HERSELF! But again, I have given up this battle. But I totally agree with you that is causes resentment and lots of it. It just sucks to have your happy home taken over and you can't do anything about it.