I cannot abide my Fiancés Seven year old Daughter :(
I have no Children of my own, but I will be a step Father to my Fiancés daughter next year. We live in a nice little home next to a resovior in Surrey, we have great neighbours and the area is a safe and quite little English village just bordering the outskirts if Greater London, sounds perfect right? The only thing wrong with this entire situation is in fact the Daughter. She has ADAD, ASD, and Attachment Disorder, she is seven years old, she is rude, a compulsive liar, a thief, she loves to stir up trouble, she has symptoms of tirets, a chocolate addiction (to extreme proportions) she soils herself constantly and wipes it down the walls, she is manipulative and argumentative, stroppy (and what immense tantrums the throws too) she's needy, literally wanting 'kiss and cuddle' (which is most often requested in a baby voice) every few minutes (including in the middle of meals at home, friends, family houses or restaurants etc) and the word Mummy is screeched out more times a day than I even care to count, and we cannot have guests visiting unless it's after bedtime as she seems to think that anyone who walks through our door is there with the sole intention of playing with her 100% of the time.
suffice to say that the child drives me absolutely insane. I used to want kids of my own, but this one child that is her Daughter has driven me to the point of not only appreciating Children a lot less than I did when I met this one three years previously, (I used to love kids lol) but also to the point where I don't want Children of my own.
I feel that the best thing that I could do is to leave, yet, this kid has already had one Dad walk away as he wanted nothing to do with her, what would it do to her to know that not one but two father figures walked away from her? Weather she knows that her behaviour is the reason I would leave is inconsequential, she would blame herself as that's the kind of person she is (not worried about what she does, but just that everything simply MUST be ALL ABOUT HER)
So, I can't stand to leave and do that to the kid, but I cannot stand the kid either. When I got here three years before now, I was pretty confident, I was happy, I had a good job and I had money, now, I have absolutely no money, no job, I am suffering with stress, anxiety (which is stress related) panic attacks, insomnia, my body aches constantly, gastric reflux related to stress, heart palpitations and eptopic beats, depression, the list continues...
I feel awful as this makes me feel like I am a bad person...What do I do?? 
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2 questions: Is she getting
2 questions:
Is she getting treatment for her problems?
What does her mother say/do about the whole situation?
She was diagnosed with the
She was diagnosed with the issues a few days ago (following a three year battle to get Doctors to take us seriously) but now we have to wait until March before she can start any sort if treatment, they have given us an information site address to lookup online, in short,it's no help, she needs treatment and not parenting methods that we have tried again and again countless times...
Her Mother resents the things I say when I speak with her about it, she will most often either cry, or throw her hands in the air and going on about what a terrible mother she must be... It's a tough cookie.
The thing is, I love my Fiancé and I'm sure that deep,deep, deep down I love my would be step daughter also, I just have an extremely low tolerance for her and she is making me I'll with stress
I think that this is your
I think that this is your real problem. The child is what she is and her problems are significant. The root of your frustration and anger at the situation is that mom has not done anything about it and that she is hiding behind her tears and apathy. She is throwing up her hands in order to leave you to deal with her child. You get to do work without any real tools. Talk about a lose-lose situation for you.
Sit down with mom and give her the either we get counseling as a couple and she gets help as a parent or you are out of here. Mean it. If she does not make serious changes you should pack your bags and never look back.
The child surely isn't the
The child surely isn't the reason you lost your job and have no money... nor is she the cause of your health problems and it's odd that you, as an adult, would imply so. Something else is going on here too.
That said, I'm not minimizing that this child obviously sounds in desperate need of psychological and parenting help, and it speaks volumes that so far her mother has failed to get her any until very recently. I would be deeply concerned about entering into a marriage with someone who had a child this disturbed who preferred to ignore the issue rather than address it.
Hi there, Thank you for your
Hi there,
Thank you for your comment and I appreciate what you say, however, I do feel that you have indeed minimised the very basis of the situation, and to understand fully you would have to live with her to see that what I am saying is literally on the Mark, even my own Doctors have named her as a Trigger. Many friends and Family members are amazed that I am still in this relationship as they too have seen the Child and how she is first hand, she is on all accounts an absolute nightmare with so many mental health issues of her own... I just simply cannot quit on her as what good would that do? Sure, it would save my sanity and yes, I would likely get better myself...
One thing is for sure that, whilst parenting and undermining Grandmothers play a huge role in a Child's persona through life as they grow up, it does not mean that parents are initially to blame for the Child's issues, nor would an Adult, like myself, who has been raised from a young age to accept certain responsibilities for action and outcome, naturally blame a Child for my own shortcomings, yet in this instance I know exactly what has caused problems this past few years.
It's better to leave, focus
It's better to leave, focus on getting your life back on track, and enable the mother to focus on her child's problems, than to stay. Honestly if you can't stand the child you will do more harm than good by staying. It's more damaging for a child to spend their formative years living with someone who detests them than to have a clean break and the time and attention of their more tolerant bio parent. I don't blame you for feeling as you do because that's a stressful set of issues to live with, but my overriding feeling is of tremendous pity for the little girl, who appears to have had a terrible start in life with a combination of serious disorders and poor parenting. An attachment disorder suggests that this girl has suffered neglect at the hands of one or both parents, would you really want to have your own children with someone who cannot manage the child she already has? If you are concerned about SD feeling abandoned then you could continue to maintain an occasional presence in her life, sending birthday and Christmas cards and visiting sometimes, so she does not have the sense of a complete break for which she could hold herself responsible.
A child would rather be FROM
A child would rather be FROM a broken home, than IN a broken home. This kid is 6. You have a LONG ass road ahead of you. Do you really think you are just going to magically be able to bury your resentment and dislike for this kid? I promise you, you won't. Eventually your resentment will turn to your fiance/wife for not parenting, making excuses, allowing bad behavior etc. It sounds kind of like she is already going down that road (i.e. getting exasperated when you say anything, getting defensive etc)
I think you are better off to cut your losses now and walk away. In a year you'll look back and realize it was probably one of the best decisions of your life.
Agh... You're so
Agh... You're so right...
Yup, there's nothing in that comment that I can fault even a little, it is just so much easier said than done :/
Firstly she is not the cause
Firstly she is not the cause of your problems. You did not lose your job because of her, get up and pound the pavement and find one. That will take care of your $ and stress.
Secondly her mother needs to seek a second opinion on her diagnosis. I have step son with autism. I read up on it extensively and it sounds like she is within the autism spectrum. The most blatant sign is soiling herself and fecal matter on the walls. She needs treatment and therapy. Basically every trait you characterize her as having leads back to autism spectrum. Go check out so books from your local library and read up. My SS is 10 and just finally stopped soiling himself and spreading fecal matter. And we are lucky. Depending on the severity it could never end.