A little update. SD11 is still passive aggressive, hateful, and just over all unpleasant and a Negative Nancy. Oh well.

I've been reading posts from Step talk for many years. Been a member for roughly 2 years. I finally read Step Monster at the end of Sept.
I have tried taking everyone's advice; Disengage, don't care more than DH, etc.. For a long time I could not, for the life of me, do any of that. It was extremely hard. I kept telling myself that I needed to somehow "fix" (not the right word, I know) this broken child. I needed to help her. I needed to somehow make this disturbed child 'happy'. I would mentally obsess over the BM. I would mentally obsess over SD11 and her fucked up mind. I would obsess over what I was going to do. How would I cope living with such a negative person? How could I live in a world where I was uncomfortable in the same room as SD11?! What am I going to do about SD's negative personality affecting my and DH's children?(DD7 and DS4) How can I live in a house where I feel I need to tip toe around and watch every single word that comes out of my mouth, for fear of upsetting SD11? What am I going to do about SD's negative vibes constantly affecting MY moods and making me feel more anxious internally????

It hit me. A few weeks ago. Out of no where. I was extremely sick with what I thought was step throat. I could barely move off the couch. SD11 and DS4 were sitting on one section of our couch and I was laying across the other section. DS leans in and rests his little head on SD's upper arm/elbow area. 5 minutes prior, SD was being weirdly and unnaturally (for her) affectionate to DS and my little guy was soaking up this fake affection like a sponge. I was happy for DS. He didn't know it was fake. Fast forward 5 minutes. His head is on her elbow/upper arm and out of the corner of my eye, I see his little head fly forward. SD doesn't see my watching 2 feet away. It happens again. His head flies forward again, with more force. At first, I thought SD was just nudging him to get his attention. In a playful way. It happens again and this time his chin slammed into his chest.

In that moment, with my fever at it's peak of 103 point whatever, I jumped up off that couch, my hair crazy, my face red, and with shaking hands and legs, I screamed at SD11. I asked her what the hell she was doing. Her reply, with a fierce growlish tone was "I. Am. Trying. To. Get. Up." She sounded demonic. I told her to open her damn mouth! If you wanted to get up, open your mouth and tell him that you want to get up. Say excuse me and get up. I told her to NOT EVER touch DS4 again. I told her that what she did was NOT okay, NOT acceptable, and it was MEAN. I told her she could have hurt his neck with the force she used. I told her there is NO reason to be so damn mean all the time. She was in her room for the remainder of the day. DH was livid when I told him.

Point of that story? When she did that, she did it out of meanness. She did it to hurt DS4. There is no other logical explanation for an 11 year old elbowing a 4 year old in the back of the head with the force she used. There is no excuse for it. It was mean. That day, in the midst of my feverish thoughts I realized that SD11 is just a effed up person. Yes, she is a child, but she knows right from wrong. She knows fully what she is doing when she does something. She is fully aware of what her actions do. She knows EXACTLY what shes doing. There are no more excuses for her. She can not blame her mother. DH. Me. DS4 or DD7. No one but her makes her choices, no one forces her to do the things she does and the things she chooses to do and say are done and said out of hate.

I have disengaged. There is no more conversations. No more walking on egg shells around her. No more hoping she doesn't get all gloomy and negative. No more. I still pick her up from school with DD7. I still take her to her appointments as needed. I do not care about her homework being done, about her doing well in school, no more worrying about her moods. No more obsessing on her crazy BM and no more obsessing over SD and why she is the way she is. No more obsessing over why she hates me so much. You get the idea here.
I still say hello to her when I pick her up from school. If she has a question, I answer it honestly, but there is no more thoughtfulness towards her. I don't care if she hates me, her moods will no longer affect me.

Because of this, I have found I am happy. Really happy. I don't really know what happened, but I'm glad it did. I guess I had to stop 'trying'? Maybe. Maybe her hurting DS was the breaking point. I have been much more happy and DD7 and DS4 are happier since I am happier. I've started writing in my journal. I feel like I am free. Free to be the real me in MY home. Even DH seems happier.

So, I blame all of you here. I blame all of your thoughtful and extremely honest advice. I have finally learned how to take and use your advice. I blame you and I love you guys for it.

Thank you for taking moments out of your busy and hectic lives to comment and read this messy post and the rest.

Thank you. Sincerely.