I must be the one-eyed king

Dear Drac0,
I have gone over the marks and you are correct there was an error. SS was not supposed to have received this award. Another student, whose name is very similar to SS was the true receipient. Somewhere in the checking of the names, we accidently added your stepson’s name to the list.
I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused yourself and your wife. If there is anything you need me to do, please let us know. Again, I apologize as I know how hard it is to keep children on top of their grades.
Please do not hesitate to contact me by email or call the number below, if you need me to further rectify this matter in any way.
Sincerely,
The Principal

The award was supposed to go to students who maintained an 90% average in 3 out of the four semesters for the 2012-2013 academic year. SS did not earn those grades, not even close!

So I emailed the principal to ask the question thinking/hoping that maybe the award was for something else. I just got the above reply this morning. So now we know that there was an error on the school's part.

Needless to say I am extremely annoyed but at least the principal came forth and appologized so there is nothing more that needs to be said. However this puts me and DW in a bit of a delimma. Do we tell SS the truth? That we forced him to receive an award that was never meant for him? I have always been honest with DW and SS from the very beginning but I am really having trouble dealing with this one. I mean I am REALLY having trouble.

*sigh*

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If you're worried about the

If you're worried about the honesty, is there a way to bring DW in without telling SS? Whenever I am in predicaments that involve the "right" thing to do I say to myself, "the right thing is the thing that benefits the most people and hurts the least amount of people" and then I usually consider short-term/long term. Who will benefit by you telling DW and SS? Will anyone get hurt?

I like the sentiment. The

I like the sentiment. The only thing that I am wary of is that SS *still* doesn't understand the concept of "hard work = good grades". I don't want SS to think that he can be awarded for putting in a minimal amount of effort which is the problem we are having with him right now. On the flip side, if I tell him the truth, this might run the risk of him slipping further into feeling stupid and hopeless.

I was curious about that,

I was curious about that, weather the award boosted his confidence and made him want to get more awards or did the opposite and made him feel like the minimal is being rewarded... I wonder if you could tell him in a way like he "almost" got the award, it was a typo, you're sorry, but that if he just gets 1 (or 2 or 3) grades up he will get the award next time. If you go that route or the route of telling him, I would let him know that it's between you guys and that his friends/classmates won't find out and spare him the anxiety over embarrassment.

Well I just got off the phone

Well I just got off the phone with DW. Naturally she's a little pissed at the school but her main focus right now is making sure SS keeps getting the push/support he needs to excel in his studies. She likes the fact that the principal and I have opened up a dialogue and wants to be able to use that as an opportunity to keep closer tabs on SS. In the past DW used to email the teachers her concern over SS's behavior in class but to date, no teacher ever responded.

If you are talking

If you are talking short-term, I would say no. We still have to stay on top of SS for him to buckle down and study every night (DW and I both yelled at him this week).

How could DW not know BEFORE,

How could DW not know BEFORE, what the award was for? Does DW know that you contacted the principal to find out why SS got the award, AFTER yall made him go and accept it?

Yup..he probably already knows he was not supposed to get the award. That is probably why he did not want to accept it.

A quick recap. Last

A quick recap.

Last semester, SS got a little note from the teacher stating that SS was the "most improved" student in his class. So, with that in hand, we thought that this was what the award was for (most improved student). Turns out there is no such award.

DW does know I contacted the school.

hmmm...I think he already

hmmm...I think he already knows so I would tell him. If you find out he did know.

Then you have a whole nother problem about why he was not honest with everyone.

I honestly don't think there

I honestly don't think there was any nefarious "Witholding of information" on SS's part. SS even said afterwards "I did not get a 90% average last year!" so even he knew something was off but none of us thought it was a mistake - well - at least not at first.

*sigh*

Looks like DW and I are going to have a long talk tonight.

He knows....thats why he

He knows....thats why he didnt want to go. No one tried to figure out what this award was for BEFORE forcing him to go accept it?

Seems like that would have been the first question to ask when you found out an award was coming. Id want to praise my child for the specific accomplishment, since thats the big deal, not the award itself.

We honestly thought SS was

We honestly thought SS was getting an award for "most improved student" or something along those lines. Hence why we didn't call the school beforehand.

As for SS "knowing" he didn't earn this award. I honestly don't think he knew.

Is there any possible way

Is there any possible way that SS may hear the truth if you choose to not speak up about it? Personally I'd call the principle and find out if the parents of the kid who was suppose to get that award was notified. If they were, I'd tell at least your wife the truth in full detail and let her decide what to do.

There is a slight chance SS

There is a slight chance SS might discover from an outside source that this was a mistake.

In that case, I would discuss

In that case, I would discuss it with your wife and ask if she would be willing to allow you, SS, and herself to talk about it. It can be done in a positive manner and you guys would be giving SS a heads up of what he may hear about in school. Should you take that route, be sure to compliment SS on what you are proud of him for in regards to his schooling. It will also let SS know that its okay to speak up when something isn't right and you will work through it.

^^^Your good!^^^

My question is THIS: If your

My question is THIS:

If your SS's name is close to the name of the student who was SUPPOSED to get the award... did THAT student get awarded also at the ceremony? Or was it such a huge blunder that your SS received it and the deserving student went unrecognized?

If that is in fact the case, this would be an extremely good teaching moment -- humility, honesty, and of course that nothing comes easy.

I'd be more worried that the child who should have been recognized was not.

I was concerned about this as

I was concerned about this as well and I am writing this in my reply to the principal

Oh for s**ts-sake. Why in the

Oh for s**ts-sake.

Why in the hell do you think your SS didn't want to accept the damn award in the first place? He fought you guys tooth and nail and you coerced him into attending.

HE already knows he didn't earn it.

Why don't you be a stand up guy for once? Give this kid a little credit? Tell him, in retrospect, you and DW were wrong to force him into accepting something he knew he didn't earn. When he said he didn't want to go, you should have accepted his answer and dropped it.

" Tell him, in retrospect,

" Tell him, in retrospect, you and DW were wrong to force him into accepting something he knew he didn't earn. When he said he didn't want to go, you should have accepted his answer and dropped it."

I agree with this.^^^

>you and DW were wrong to

>you and DW were wrong to force him into accepting something he knew he didn't earn.<

Could you point me to some form of factual evidence that proves SS did know he didn't earn the award before the actual ceremony? Nowhere did I write in any of my previous blog entries that SS was fully cognizant that he knew he did not earn this award. He only expressed doubt after he received the award.

DW and I stand by our decision in making him go.

Hmmmm. . . if you were a

Hmmmm. . . if you were a student and received a graded test and noticed that you got credit for getting a problem correct that you actually got wrong, would you bring it to the teacher's attention? I'm almost certain he knows he didn't earn the award; he was hoping no one would notice.

You and DW seem to share an

You and DW seem to share an equal mindset here. I just got off the phone with her and she more-or-less said the same thing.

Seriously...all of this drama

Seriously...all of this drama over an award???

Even if he HAD earned this award, you blew it waaaaay out of proportion.

It was stupid to force him to accept the award because "it's shameful to deny his parents the opportunity to be proud of him".

You're telling him his parents can't be proud of him unless he accepts this award. WTF???

He didn't want to go on stage to accept it, leaving you "disgusted with him" you "could barely look at him" & you refused to say goodbye to him when you left the house.

Are you kidding me??? Because he didn't want to go on stage in front of everybody to accept a freaking award, which as it turns out was never his to accept anyway...?

When you believed he'd earned it, why couldn't you just tell him you were proud of him? Why couldn't you just pat him on the back & say, "Wow! Great job, SS!"

Why does he have to be on a stage in front of everyone to be commended & for his parents to be proud of him?

Why does he have to go on stage for you to not be disgusted with him?

You're having trouble dealing with this one because you & DW blew it up & now the right thing to do is tell him that you blew it up all for nothing.

You pick this kid to pieces. Nothing he does is good or right. If you feel it MIGHT be, you question the motive.

Your dilemma: Do we tell SS the truth? That we forced him to receive an award that was never meant for him?

Of course you tell him the truth. What reason could you possibly have not to???

You are making it sound like

You are making it sound like I insist that SS be a "performing seal" in order to worthy of any positive recognition from me. If that is the view you want to take here, so be it. I'm not even going to bother to defend against it because I don't think I should have to explain why I have every right, as a parent, to feel pride and/or shame in my children's actions/ or lack thereof (and yes, this includes my SS). SS's attitude towards this whole afair was - quite frankly - appaling and his attitude is a direct reflection on how DW and I are trying to raise him so we do the best we can to remedy that. DW and I stand firm behind our decision on making SS walk on stage to accept this award. The fact that it was a mistake is slightly embarrassing for us but at least now we know the truth of it. What is done is done. We made the best decision with what we knew at the time.

HIS attitude was appalling???

HIS attitude was appalling??? He was behaving like a kid. Unfortunately, so were you...baby-fit & all.

What reason could you have for not being honest with him about this? Embarrassment? Having to admit he shouldn't have walked the stage you forced him to walk?

You may be blowing this out

You may be blowing this out of proportion as well.

There are plenty of things in life we're asked or made to do that we don't want to. SS is certainly old enough to have to deal with those things.

My mother made me walk across the stage at graduation, when I would much rather have just had the school mail me my diploma.

It sucked. It was just as awful as I thought it would be and I looked absolutely awful in my gown.

But I lived. I'm fine. I don't have a bizarre fear of auditoriums or anything.

SS will live too.

I didn't want to go to mine

I didn't want to go to mine either. Well not initially. I went to a private school and all it took was Dad to show me the receipts of how much it cost him and my Mom to send me to that school.

I didn't raise a fuss after that!

I can excuse my BS4 and BD2

I can excuse my BS4 and BD2 from throwing a tantrum and crying over not getting something they want. I cannot excuse SS's behavior of last week. He's a teen and perfectly capable of explaining his feelings of refusing to go.

Sorry but "I DON'T WANNA GO AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!" is not a rational explanation I expect from any teen.

Now go on and call me a baby, a brute, a bully, or whatever insult you have in your gab bag. I shouldn't have to explain myself further.

However, your

However, your tantrum...refusing to speak to him or look at him & being "disgusted" with him until you got your way was acceptable & rational?

You forced him to accept an award that he didn't earn. Now you don't want to admit because it's embarrassing on your part?

God forbid the kid discovers he isn't the only one who screws up...

It's not embarrassing for me.

It's not embarrassing for me. It's embarrassing for the school.

You and I seem to be at odds over DW and I forcing SS to go in the first place. That is what this is about is it not? Once again, DW and I stand by our decision. I really don't see the point of this diatribe.

"However this puts me and DW

"However this puts me and DW in a bit of a delimma. Do we tell SS the truth? That we forced him to receive an award that was never meant for him?"

If you feel justified in the decision you made, why is there this dilemma in regards to being honest with your SS?

Okay, now you are just

Okay, now you are just strawmanning us here.

I believed I commented above that there are pros and cons on being honest with SS about this whole debacle. The BIG issue (which you conveniently seem to ignore for the sake of slamming me) is that SS IS STRUGGLING WITH HIS EDUCATION! If we tell SS the truth, would it further send him into the pit of hopelessness? Would it send the right message or the wrong one? I don't know which is why DW and I need to talk about this.

My thoughts too Storm!

Pffft. And people think you

Pffft. And people think you don't care about your SS!

I'd say... let it ride. Maybe even use it to encourage him to keep it going and push a little bit harder.

Not much to be served by telling him they just messed up.

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I must be the one-eyed king

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