The book Step Monster. Step monster at 3 months vs. Step monster at almost 2 years
I've known my SD11 since she was 3 years old. She has always been an unhappy child. She has always had issues. Partly because of her mental case mother, but I also believe that this is just who SD is. Her unhappy moodiness just seems to be part of her personality. Anyway.. DH used to have every other weekend visits and one midweek 2 hour visit. DH has always tried to be involved. BM is a complete mental case. I used to think "Oh, poor SD, if she lived with DH and our two kids, we could help SD. SD would be happy here in a normal family. I could help her."
DH gained full sole custody of SD11 back in 2012. I thought "Yay! finally! We can help her! She will be happy and we will be a family." Apparently, I had been delusional for 7 years!
After DH got custody, I went to the library and read and read and read many different Step parenting books. Most of which said to just take it(all the crap) and sit back(and just take it) Some said to only be the "fun aunt" or "just a friend" and let your husband have his much needed time with his child/ren. Stay out of their way. Feel like the outsider in your own home. I also read Step Monster. At first, I thought, oh a good book. Then I started thinking "This is not for me. I'm not like this. I can't relate. I wont end up like that or this." BULLSHIT!
Almost two years later, I'm reading the book again. Stepmonster(this past weekend) and I'm thinking "Wow! I'm not alone. It's okay and even NORMAL to feel the way I do! No more guilt"
My point? No point I guess. Just a look at how time changes things/life/family etc.. And in my case? Doesn't seem to be for the better..
- LaMareOssa's blog
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Yes-I became a sm to
Yes-I became a sm to ss15-when he was 2. I was extremely engaged-as in the primary parent for the next 7 years. We did have our share of difficulties, mostly from ss himself-but I thought at least we have a "relationship". Ha! I was an idiot. He never had any sort of bond with me-only communicated with me because I was the only adult around and was able to do things for him. When that changed, he was quite literally done with me. Which was sort of was ok, but it coincided with the time that I was done with him. After threatening in detail how he was going to murder my son-things just began to change for me.
At this point I've not spoken to the kid since 6/2012. He is currently in juvenile detention.
Wow. He would never be
Wow. He would never be allowed around my child ever again. Or welcome where I reside. No effing way. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. I have had feelings, deep inside myself, that our kids(DH and mine) aren't safe around SD11. I just have this nagging feeling that I can't trust SD around DS4 or DD7.
Exactly. I didn't agree with
Exactly. I didn't agree with what these books were saying. At. All. I will NOT be a stranger in my own home and I will not tip toe around and make myself scarce in my own home to make a skid feel "better" It will only make matters worse.
I had the same delusion that
I had the same delusion that my happy home and attentive parenting could help YSD, who moved in when she was 14. She was a sad girl always acting upbeat and helpful, while behind the scenes she was cutting, starving herself and drinking and smoking. Instead, despite all my efforts and good intentions her issues and attachment to being disfunctional continued to escalate and corroded my happy home. I ended up stressed, anxious, angry and bewildered, finally culminating in a dreadful bout of depression after the birth of my 3rd child. What I learned is that when a child has those kinds of emotional problems, rooted in their relationship with one or both parents (BM was erratic and a heavy drinker, DH struggled to cultivate a close relationship as a part time Dad), the solution has to come from the parents and the child. The stepparent just can't ride in a knight on her charger and put everything right. I also read Stepmonster after the fact. It was a case of locking the door after the horse had bolted, literally as SD had moved back to her mothers after I disengaged. I wish things had turned out differently, but ultimately it wasn't in my control.
Is the Step Monster book good
Is the Step Monster book good re BM issues??? I don't have any SK issues yet (touch wood!!) but I have TONNES of BM related problems lol
I agree that NO step parent (mom or dad) should feel like a stranger in their own home. And being a step parent isn't about replacing the bios, it's about being a caring and responsible adult in a child's life and taking responsible actions towards helping the child grow into a decent human being, I mean, wouldn't bio's be LIVID if they found out that teachers, camp leaders etc etc weren't taking reasonable and responsible actions towards their children?? So I don't get how steps get such a bad rep when bios willingly hand their children over to 'strangers' all the time to look after, what the hell is the difference???
I got advice from a group of
I got advice from a group of women who have been Stepping long before I even considered getting married. The first bit of advice was; Don't get married. (live and learn). The second was; be 'The Hostess'. Your home, your rules. Like any good hostess, offer the basic amenities and just insist on being civil.
It may be as phony as hell, but so what. I've got peace in my home and I don't give a shit if they love me or not.