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1st ever vent

ifonly's picture

i have never posted on any blog before, so am a absolute NEWBIE to all this.
my quick intro, i have been with my S/O for a little more than 2.5yrs. i have a SD14 and SD18 (who is not S/O's bio child, so to me she's a "twice-removed SD"?)
anyway, he raised her from baby and they have always been dad and daugther to each other.
the S/O and i started living together a little over 1 yr ago, and the children came along to be with us Full time. they used to be with BM, but she couldn't "handle" them any more - after seriously damaging them metally, emotionally and physically, she handed them over to us and pretty much said "i can't deal with this anymore" packed her bags and left. she now spends her time working minimum wage jobs and boyfriend hopping. oh but with the minimum wage she CAN afford to go for drinks with friends, and to all sorts of social events.

i am not a bio parent. so the only exposure i have ever had to children have been these teen girls.
their BM is never around. if she takes them for a weekend once every 2 months, it's a lot. she has visited thou, the last 2 times she came to see her kids, and spent the whole day in MY house visiting HER kids, while i felt all weird and uncomfortable because this woman just seems to have invited herself to spend the day in my home, without asking or even Mentioning it to me or my S/O. she makes her plans with the kids, and if they remember they kind of pass on the info to us.
so when she was there last "visiting" i sat fuming the whole day, because my S/O wasn't home that Saturday - he was out working (we each have our own business, that happen to work hand in hand with each other). so he left home that morning at about 8, she arrived at this time, then she stayed till 4pm! having coffees, and drinking juices and making lunches with the kids. again - in MY house and my home. they were in the dining room the whole time, talking / laughing and having a generally good time, but when i walk in, or walk past, the conversations stops, and they do not start talking again until i have vacated the area.
oh, did i mention she pays nothing, not a penny towards either of the kids? not towards medical insurance , or school or food or even rent.
nope, thats all on S/O and me to do. but she will say "i have no money so i can't take you girls anywhere, but i can come and visit for the day" and the kids say "ok mom, come" no one asks me or their dad if this is ok?, are there any plans for this day?, or do we even mind the BM coming for the WHOLE day?
so when i told my S/O how these day long visits make me feel really uncomfortable and i am hating the BM more and more, because she seems to just ASSUME that it's ok to come and do AS she likes - whenever she likes, my S/O said "but what do you want me to do about it? if i tell her she can't come here, you will have an even harder time with the kids, because BM will tell them that I said she isn't welcome" then he tells me "i can't tell the kids that their mom isn't welcome here, this is their house too, and it's not fair on them that she isn't welcome"
um HELLO?? pardon MY ignorence, but is this our home, or does it belong to You and your ex? does she pay the bills, and look after your kids, and drive them around, and feed them and ensure that they always have everything they need??
is she the one that has stopped going for the little things that make her happy? beacuse i used to, (before we started living together) have my nails done and go for waxings and laser treatments, and facials. these days, i shave my legs (something i haven't done for the last 10 years) in order to save money as we have a pretty tight budget, i don't get facials, or laser treatment. i use box hair dye, i don't go to the salon.

so what i'm saying i guess, is that being in my 30's i feel like i am going backwards in my life. these kids will leave in the next 5 yrs or so (i hope) but am i not just such a horrid and ugly person for wanting them to just go back to their BM and live there?
they keep saying they are SO unhappy living with us, and how life is so s**t and how they never have any NICE stuff (because NICE things cost money and i don't have any left after medical insurance, school fees, house payments, etc etc)
i have been wondering lately if this is going to break my relationship with my S/O.
we aren't married, and we don't ever want to get married but we want to be partners in life, business, everything.
so thecnically, it's not that i would have to ask for a divorce if i want to leave (thank God for small miracles) but it would be messy because our business are very enmeshed and one feeds the other, and having to split that up - it would need lawyers to get involved so it would actually be LIKE a form of a divorce.

he wants no more children, and i did want some of my own a few years back, but now, i cannot imagine being a mom and running a business single handedly, and looking after a baby (and being the "evil" SM as i have been branded) - there just isn't enough time, or energy in this world for that. also, i don't like the idea of getting pregnant now that i am over the 30 mark. i just always thought if i had my own kids, it would be between like 23-29, i feel like that ship has sailed and that my life took a differrent route - which is ok by me.
but now, when i look at what has been produced in SD15, i wonder - heck, have another one of THOSE!?! do i look like a person who loves to be punished! Heck no, i'm not doing that to myself, or my poor folks who would end up having something like THAT as a grandchild. i am not that cruel.

also, if we ever did have a child together, SD14 and SD18 would become seriously unbarable.

so i look at what my life has become. and i read what people have written on this site, and i have a bit of peace that i am not the only one. but it doesn't stop my blood boiling when i come home from work and the house is a disaster because SD14 is on school break, and has made a mess and her father doesn't even bother to tell her to sort it out - but cleans up after her!
so my plan going forward is this...
i will disengage form S/O's offspring, they don't want me in their life, they do not show any kind of respect or tolerance towards me, even thou they know that their father wouldn't be able to look after them and support them if i wasn't helping him financially - that's Fine, i am not wasting my breath anymore.

my S/O is a wonderful man, who has been given a very s**t situation to deal with. the BM basically messed them up (in all the usual, as well as most horrible ways) they are so damaged, and it's very likely too late for us to try to change anything. they do not understand or respect boundaries, they do not care, all they are doing is biding their time until BM can get her s**t together to take them back, but she is not showing any signs of wanting this. she is loving having her freedom, being able to do what she wants with whom she wants (and there are many different "whom's" that the kids have told us about!)

so, if i am to carry on living in this house, with these kids, and continue a relationship with my S/O, then i see only one current option. go and get professional help for myself. i have found a therapist, and i will go there and hopefully, either walk out calmer, or with ideas on how to make this whole thing work. because i do want it to work, but i cannot be hated 24/7, i cannot Always be the bad guy. And i am getting very tired of hating what my life has become. i want to stop feeling like i just want to run far far far far away

Comments

overworkedmom's picture

First, boundaries need to be set with BM. No more visits in your house. Not everything costs money. She needs to find things to do that are free. A picnic in the park, many museums don't charge students, there are always free events going on and if she plans she can have a great visit for little/no money.

Second, there is a reason God gives us babies and not teenagers, remembering them as babies is the only reason they survive being a teen Blum 3 . If you do decide to have a child of your own, it might not be as bad as you think. There is always the chance that they will like having a little one around. My DH is 16 and 19 years older than his 1/2 sisters and loved that they were born when they were, he has always been an awesome big brother even when he was a crappy teen to the rest of the world.

Justme54's picture

SO really thinks you should just let BM camp out in your home becasue she is a loser? You need to put your foot down or exit ASAP. I wish you the best of luck.

Tuff Noogies's picture

1st of all, welcome!!!!

2nd of all, i'm glad u get a measure of peace being 'here' and knowing that what you think and feel IS perfectly normal.

3rd of all, listen to the wise. a therapist is a great place to start. here, there are many many veterans with lots of words of wisdom and experiences you can draw on. if they tell u something that u dont like, before getting defensive, think more about what they've said and remember they've got yeeeaarrrsss of experience that we dont have yet.

4thly- do your research about disengaging. it can be wonderful, but it IS a fluid thing that can always be adjusted as circumstances change. it depends on you, and what you are willing to be involved with or not. (btw, the cleaning thing? i totally get the principal of it!! but if the Parent chooses not to teach it, that's on him- at least it's getting picked up by someone who's NOT you! just my opinion...)

and last of all - HELL YES girl u need to set some boundaries!!! if all they're doing is sitting at the table talking, they can sit on a damn park bench and do that! i'd ask advice of the pro's here on exactly how to go about that one, but it needs to be done...

again, welcome!!

ifonly's picture

OH WOW!
thank you all for the replies! i have been feeling like i have been all alone out here in the cold. and to have you guys just say Anything really helps! not to mention that having an affirmation that what is going on in my head is normal, phew! i think i just lost 10 pounds!

i will take the wise advice to heart. i like to know my battle fileds before going to war. actually i like not fighting, but if needs be, then i like to be prepared.

i am planning on some serious advice from the therapist/pro regarding the BM and boundaries with her. personally i believe it should be my SO who should tell her how it is in OUR home, but when i said that to him, he says it's my issue and i should address it with the person i have the issue with. (hmmmmm this is what we try to teach the kids) but REALLY, she is HIS ex wife, not mine. anywho, maybe i'll take him with me to therapy Blum 3

purpledaisies's picture

I agree with everyone else no way should she be coming to your home for visits! If your SO won't get on board then he doesn't love you the way she should.

DaizyDuke's picture

This is absurd. First off absurd that your SO is allowing this crap. I mean come on, BM can't take the girls to a movie and lunch? I'm assuming BM is not homeless.. so why can't she just take them to HER home.

Secondly this is absurd on BMs part. What freak of nature would even WANT to spend the day in the home of thier Ex and his new girlfriend????

Bojangles's picture

In all honesty you are a classic case of shouldn't have moved in together. With your own place you could have the advantages of a happy relationship with limited exposure to the teenagers, no contact with BM and independent financial control. It would really have been worth waiting until at least the eldest was out of the house. But like many of us you probably started out hoping for the best and thinking it would be ok when they got to know you.

Now that you're in this situation you need to look at the balance of fairness in your relationship, your SO is presumably giving you love and attention, you are giving him love and attention AND financial support to enable his children to live with him AND tolerating his difficult and unfriendly daughters AND compromising your standards and preferences in the running of your home AND tolerating BM and her intermittent presence in your home. Like most stepparents you are making a lot of compromises and sacrifices here and yet SO is not respecting reasonable boundaries that you want put in place, like the girls seeing their mother outside your home, and picking up after themselves. There is probably 1% of stepparents who would feel comfortable having their partners ex in the house, let alone having them there all day. A large % would regard it as a hill to die on in terms of infringing their rights in the relationship. BM has no right to your home and two teenagers have no right to oblige you to have her there, more importantly SO should not put you in such an awkward position. He is right that the girls will resent you for excluding BM from the house, which is why SO need to tell BM and SDs that he has tried to be accommodating to date but it is not right for her to be exercising visitation in his home and from now on she needs to find other budget options for spending time with them outside your home. He needs to understand that he owes you this, and be the front man in making it happen.

ifonly's picture

i hear you!
and believe it or not i had my own place. SO relocated, miles and miles to come and be with me. he gave up Everything he knew for over a decade. and we were all on track to take the girls every 2nd weekend (as a norm would have it) and then about a week before he came - once i found a house for us and the movers were arranged his ex came and alomst litteraly dumped the younger daugther on his door step, and 3 days later came with the older one. and then packed HER bags and left to go and live with her new BF, who as a 1 bedroom and there is no space for the girls (conveniently...)

so what does one do? i know i could have said NO. but the girls and i used to get on like a house on fire. it was great. we were all even excited about the new "life" we were all going to embark on.
and then one year later.... this

Bojangles's picture

I would probably have ended up in the same place as you, I always hope for the best. It's hard to comprehend just how frustrating and annoying teenagers, let alone someone else's teenagers raised to someone else's standards, can be to live with. It doesn't help that they labour under the delusion that they are not the problem, you are! When they get to 18 and are technically adults but without the maturity it's even worse.

If there's one thing I can see looking back on my own experiences, it's that stepparenting is not a one way street, and it can be a positive and legitimate strategy to retrench and stage a tactical withdrawal. Just because you try living with someone with children doesn't mean you then have to tough it out no matter how stressful and miserable it gets. If you move in with your SO and find that it is detrimental to your relationship and your happiness and causes too much friction with the children, then it can be a positive act to separate households again and give everyone the space to get on better. We are all so fixated on this conventional route of fall in love, move in together, get married, have children that we don't consider perfectly viable alternative living arrangements. We'll spend thousands on therapy and antidepressants and drinks with friends while drowning our sorrows, all to prop us up in a lifestyle that fundamentally doesn't work. Better to spend the money on a deposit on a flat nearby! You can love someone and be in a committed relationship and spend time together and not live together, occupying the same premises is not the stamp of a successful relationship. Helena Bonham Carter lives next door to her husband Tim Burton, they have his and her houses with a connecting door. I think it's a fabulous arrangement.

I kept my house for a long time after I moved in with DH, then SO, but I refused to 'quit' as I saw it, and move back into it formally. I thought I could overcome the problems and adjust and bring everyone together with the force of will but honestly it was way too much hard work and frustration on my part. If I had my time again, once I had understood that the battles over housekeeping and behaviour and priorities would be ongoing I would have said 'hey I love you but this living arrangement isn't working for me, I'm going to base myself at my place again'. It's a lot easier to get on with teenagers when you don't live with them. I can see why you might be reluctant to consider this because SO has relocated to your area and you see that as a sacrifice on his part, but it's a lot smaller sacrifice than living with his teenage daughters. Keep your options open.

ifonly's picture

OMW DaizyDuke! you nailed it "What freak of nature would even WANT to spend the day in the home of thier Ex and his new girlfriend????"

i mean seriously! maybe she's not right in the head? i don't know. i know that when SO and i used to pick the skids up from her place (when they lived with her full time) i would wait by the car, out on the road, and SO would wait just outside the front door, never stepping inside the house!

and no, she isn't homeless. she job hops (a lot) but has an income that allows her to go for drinks with "friends" and buy lingerie (while asking her 18yr old, what do you think of this? i have a date tonight?) so she has money to burn, but no money to pay towards i don't know medical insurance for the girls, or um food. but finances aside aside, i know it can be hard out there. and i can even survive the financial stuff (most of the time)
but THAT woman in My personal space?? hmm, i just cannot compromise on that.
aside from the fact that i do seriously believe that BM would, given half the chance, snoop thru my bedroom and my personal stuff.

ifonly's picture

i hear you and i will process this advice. and then make a "plan of action"

i am just so worried that i will somehow hurt SO's feelings.
but i need him to understand that i am fighting for US and our future
hey - ding! ding! i think i will tell him just like that Smile

hereiam's picture

He's the one who should be concerned about YOUR feelings. Who would want to subject someone they love to their exes company? In their own home, even!

hereiam's picture

In 17 years, BM has never been inside my home, not even on my porch.

Absolutely ridiculous. Put a stop to that, now.

ifonly's picture

well thank you EVERYONE!
i feel SO much better now, that the idea of going home is actually a happy one

Onewillfullstepmom's picture

If BM wants to visit HER kids, and talk with them privately about whatever, then she needs to do it somewhere else. You have stake out territory. YOUR home is YOUR territory. She may not have any money, but she can take them to a park or a coffee shop- buy a cup of coffee and camp there. She has no business hanging out in your house, and in my opinion she is doing it intentionally to get under your skin. She knows no one will say anything, but that it will drive you crazy, just as it would drive her crazy if YOU camped out in HER house.

Also- a therapist a great idea, but make sure you get one that is trained in step families, therapists that are not trained in step families and don't understand the dynamics can do more harm than good. Check out the National stepfamily resource center ( http://www.stepfamilies.info/), they have a list a therapists in each state that have been trained.

Good luck!