First EOWE Visit Just Ended
And SS9 sat in his room alone or down in the family room alone, refusing to interact with anyone, coming out only for meals. His choice. DH told him when he left that his weekends can be enjoyable or they can be boring, it's his choice. Apparently he's choosing boring.
We're not going to coddle the kid or beg him to interact with us. If he wants to, fine. If he doesn't , fine. DH feels bad about it, but his level of interest regarding SS right now is pretty much zero. As for me, I couldn't care less whether he comes or not. It's nothing but misery when he's here.
We feel that we should continue to make him come, just so we can say we did everything we could. The kid is 95 percent PASed, has no interest in anyone other than his mother, and doesn't talk to anyone but his mother. He didn't even interact with his own brother, SS14, the whole time he was here.
The fact that we just found out SS9 is not DH's really doesn't factor into this, but it does make it easier to accept and understand, and we do expect BM to push to stop visitation altogether once she knows that we know. If things were the way they were before, with SS9 happy to be here, his DNA wouldn't matter.
SS9 is still legally DH's, as his name is on the birth certificate and he's been in the father role for the past nine years. But how long do we allow these sham visits to continue? SS hates to be here, SS14 is indifferent, and DH and I feel like there's really not much point. But we want to do the right thing, whatever that is.
Any opinions? Has anyone else had to endure visits that no one really enjoys?
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Comments
My vote will always be for
My vote will always be for self preservation. SS9 is already damaged. When he becomes a teenager the drama could be even worse. You still have SS14 who needs a relatively stable family life.
You could try for a few months to see if SS9 comes around, or you could let him stay with his mom and see if he changes his mind.
You and your DH can gage best what to do and it sounds like you're leaning towards letting SS9 go to his mom. Maybe after time passes and SS9 matures a little, or maybe if BM gets tired of having him full time, you can reassess the situation.
So I don't see anything wrong in letting him go to BMs full time if that's really what everyone wants.
Right, no CS. Who knows what
Right, no CS. Who knows what she'll try though now that he's full time? And you're right: no self-respecting woman would ask for support when she knows the kid is someone else's , but this IS BM we're talking about.
OK, I'm going to take the
OK, I'm going to take the bait and play devils advocate.
Maybe one day SS9 will look back and say "I knew growing up I wasn't yours, and I know I wasn't easy and I was angry and spiteful because I was a hurt kid.... but thanks for wanting to be my Dad anyway."
And then he'd have an example of a real man.
I have 3 SK's. Only one is my DH's biologically. The other are his EX's from previous relationships before , but they were very small. When she whacked out and decided not be a Mom anymore for a few years, my DH stepped to the plate and TOOK. ALL. THREE. Not because he HAD to, but because he was MAN ENOUGH to.
I won't lie, it's been a tough road. But I'm glad we can look back and say regardless of how they turn out, we gave them EVERYTHING we could. And they can never say he never tried or never cared.
I appreciate you sharing your
I appreciate you sharing your view. Part of us feels the same- we want to do everything we can to show what "real" family is. But it's so hard when the kid wants no part of it, and the BM is actively discouraging it as well. But I do understand what you're saying. Maybe someday SS will appreciate the effort. Maybe not. It's so hard to know.
Thank you for the replies and
Thank you for the replies and support, everyone. It really is so hard. On the one hand, yes, we want to be that shining example of unconditional love. But on the other, it's nearly impossible to show or feel that love when it's not reciprocated or even wanted. KWIM? I gues s we'll see how the next few visits play out. Maybe we do just need to let him go totally, and leave the door open for the future IF he wants to be a part of our lives and IF he hasn't become a complete a-hole by then. It's not looking positive at this point.