I haven't posted a blog in awhile, I guess because really, there was nothing new to post about. The kids have stayed holed up in BM's house with her, poking their heads out only long enough to ask for handouts.
My MIL has been quite sick for the last few months. She's diabetic & has history of heart disease, & was diagnosed with congestive heart failure several years ago.
She had a second heart attack back in June & has been in & out of the hospital & the rehab facility ever since, trying to get fluid off her heart.
The second day into this, SIL called DH & informed him that she's "wiping her hands of them" & very plainly said "he's on his own with this". She hates FIL & has from the time MIL met him. She's a greedy bitch & has held a fear of him getting a piece of her inheritance.
1) All there is to inherit is the house.
2) It isn't "hers" until it's given to her.
Anyway, Dh & I have spent the last 2 months going between work & the hospital/rehab facility to spend time with MIL. Our house is a shambles. Our dogs have been neglected. DH doesn't get paid time off work, so his checks have been coming up short. I feel like I've been run ragged.
DH's kids came to the hospital, with BM in tow, to see MIL once...her second day in. I don't know what BM was on, but it was clear she was riding unicorns in some other world. Whatever.
DH has suggested, several times, that they at least call & tell her they're thinking about her. They couldn't manage.
Her birthday was July 30. She turned 73. SS called DH & DH suggested they call & wish her a happy birthday. Couldn't manage that either. We went & spent the day with her. She spent the day in tears because of her 2 children & her 4 grandchildren, we were the only ones who made time for her.
SIL's daughter works in the morgue in the basement of the building MIL was staying in, & in the 2 months she was bedridden, niece couldn't manage to pull 5 minutes to visit.
I was off work a week ago this past Thursday & Friday. I spent the day with MIL Thursday & they did surgery Friday to put catheters in her neck for dialysis. They did dialysis Friday & Saturday & she passed away Sunday. We buried her Thursday.
Naturally, when DH called the kids to tell them, it was all his fault they didn't get to see her before she passed. I know...it'd be news if it were any other way. I was pissed. I've learned to expect the finger-pointing, but I'm angry that he didn't point their fingers back at them where they belong.
They spent the week prior at the beach & BM (through a load of tears) insisted that they'd have come back early if they knew she was so sick.
1) DH has been telling them for at least 6 years (since she had her stroke) that she probably wouldn't be around long. They've had ample opportunity to spend time with her but haven't managed to pull their heads out of BM's ass long enough to do so.
2) They knew she'd been sick & in the hospital. They saw her there once.
3) They had a reminder to visit with her & call her on her birthday. DH specifically said, "This may be her last birthday".
Those are ALL things I feel DH should've reminded them of when they were lashing out at him for not letting them know. WE didn't know. We weren't there when she passed. Had we known, we certainly would've been.
We left our house within 3 minutes of receiving the call that she'd been unresponsive & we were in the elevator at the parking ramp on our way up to her room when she passed.
DH called SIL on our way to hospital. She had her grown kids over, so she "couldn't make it". I couldn't believe it. Possibly an opportunity to make peace...to tell her mother she loves her...to say goodbye...anything, but she couldn't make time. She would've made it there in time.
Instead, MIL passed only with the company of a stranger. Thankfully one of the nurses was there with her & she didn't die alone.
DH & I spent Monday & Tuesday with FIL, making funeral arrangements. SIL was off work for bereavement, but was spending time with her daughter. She couldn't make time to help with arrangments.
The viewing was Wednesday.
BM came to the viewing with the kids (of course) & made a show of tears over the casket (of course) & consistently referred to MIL as "Mama". I kept wishing, somehow, MIL could've made as big of a show coming back long enough to tell her how disgusted she was with the way she treated their family.
When they were getting ready to leave the viewing (yes, they stayed for about 45 minutes & instead of leaving the kids to spend time with DH & the family, she took them with her) she turned to DH & said, "Well, I know it'll get you in trouble, but I'm going to hug you anyway". He said, "Storm doesn't care if you hug me". She sneered & said, "Well, I'm sure she'll have something to say when I leave, but I'm going to do it anyway".
I was sitting across the room & wanted to say "I'm not the one who squirms when you touch him", but for fear of raising the dead, I figured it was best left alone.
As they always are, they were late getting to the funeral home the next day. SS was supposed to be there 20 min ahead of time to get instructions as a pall bearer. They came in as the service was getting ready to start. The kids sat with us in the family rows. BM tromped her ass to the row right behind us & sat directly behind SD with her hand on SD's shoulders the whole time.
For those familiar with country music, there's a song about a woman who loved her man so much & when she talked about when he dies & they're digging his grave she's "gonna tell the gravedigger that he'd better dig two". I can't tell you how many times that particular line ran through my head this past week. No scene need be made. I could've easily just kicked BM into a hole in the ground & left feeling fine.
After the service, DH & SS got up to go with the pall bearers, leaving me & SD in that row. They led the FAMILY out the front way, through the FAMILY doors, & don't you know that fucking bitch BM jumped up with the FAMILY & about ran me over trying to get to SD to escort her out before I got too close.
My instict to "kill her with kindness" kicked in as we were going out the door. I offered her one of the small packs of tissues to take to the cemetery. She declined. Whatever.
After the service at the cemetery, me, DH & the kids were all standing on one side of the tent. BM was standing by herself on the other side. I waved her over to come & stand with us & she declined my offer & said she was good. However, she made her way over about 2 minutes later.
SD was telling DH how badly she wanted to move back closer to the city. SS wants to move back closer to the city. When DH asked why they haven't, BM got snippy & said, "It's ME, DH. I'M the one who doesn't want to come back". He asked why, mentioning the opportunities it would provide for the kids to be within a reasonable distance to the colleges & jobs, etc.
She said that she can't handle being back in the area because of the memories...the family she doesn't have anymore, the places they used to love to go together, the things they used to love to do together. Too many reminders. And she's worried that having the kids so close to him will pull them away from her. So, she pretty much admitted she's doing all she can to keep the wedge between him & the kids for fear of losing them.
SS called that night & talked to DH about "he never wanted his parents to get a divorce". They talked for almost 2 hours re-hashing everything about the marriage, BM unable to keep her ass at home & needing to fuck everything that walked on two legs. DH doing everything he could've possibly done to keep their family together & Sonya just not being interested in their marriage & her need to be out "finding herself". They talked about BM being unable/unwilling to move on with life & being stuck in a situation/period of life that is gone. DH suggested SS going to counseling to figure out how to cope & process everything from those years of his life so that he can move forward & begin living life for himself instead of feeling the obligation to be BM's caretaker.
SS asked if DH would be willing to go to counseling with him. DH said he absolutely would. SS asked if it was okay if BM went too. DH said that was fine. Then SS asked if DH would be willing to go, just with BM, to work through the issues she was having with moving on. LMFAO!
DH told him that re-hashing the problems in their marriage & re-living old memories with his ex-wife, & etc isn't something he has any interest in doing. He explained that that's what marriage counseling is for, & that it's something you do when you're trying to save your marriage. There was a time when he begged BM to go to counseling & she had no interest. Their marriage is over & his interest is in doing what he needs to do to keep this one strong. BM is a grown woman & is responsible for helping herself. He recommended she see a counselor to figure out how to get over what's done & move on, but that it's not his place to hold her hand through it.
I was back at work Friday. My direct line rang at 8:09am. It was SIL. She hasn't spoken to me since Christmas, aside from a hug & a "Thank you for being there when I couldn't be".
You have got to love a dysfunctional family at a time when someone dies...It really brings out the best in people....I watched it when my son died and then my husband and then my MIL...Every single funeral had it's own dysfunction....
It was like a horrible circus with those creepy-ass clowns. I've always felt fortunate to have a family without the drama.
I guess I never realized just how fortunate I really am.
I've never been in the middle of situation where there was so much awkward hate & vile crap. It makes me want to move closer to my own family...around people who love us & give a shit.
If your SS is old enough for DH to be discussing past marriage issues with your DH he should be capable of accepting what happened.
Most children do not want their parents to get divorced. But I'd ask SS if he would be willing to stay in a relationship where his wife was opening dating and sleeping with other men. What young man looks forward to that as his future marriage scenario?
Is there any reason for you or your DH to ever speak to SIL again? She sounds like someone best removed from your life.
You are a nicer person than I am. Because there is NO WAY ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH that I would allow BM (especially one with as few boundaries as yours) to attend the funeral. I would be PISSED beyond belief if my DH let BM hug him - especially after that snarky remark.
But what's past is past so nothing you can do about it now.
Are the skids adults? If so why in God's name is BM still poking herself in your life. Neither you nor DH need to ever see or speak to her again - ever.
There is a reason BM is still coming around, but not a good one.
SS is 20 years old. Most 20 year old boys spend their time in their cars, going on dates, going to college, going to jobs, paving a path to their futures.
Unfortunately, SS is doing none of that. At 20 years old, he has his learners, ONLY because DH made him take the test when DH had to go to the DMV to renew his license. SS happened to be with us that day. BM says SS isn't "ready" to drive. Truth is, BM isn't ready for him to gain an ounce of independence.
At 20 years old, SS has yet to work a job a day in his life. To get a job requires filling out a job application. BM isn't ready for him to take on that kind of responsibility.
As far as going on dates, he doesn't go on dates. The one girlfriend he had was a live-in, with BM's blessing when SS was 18 years old & the girlfriend was 15/16. No one told her mom. As far as her mom knew, her daughter was living there as a friend of SD's.
At 20 years old, BM feels that college is an awfully big step for her baby boy to take. She isn't quite ready to see him spread his wings that far.
Frankly, BM isn't ready...& will NEVER be ready for her children to grow up & expand their lives in any way that results in them gaining an ounce of distance or freedom or independence from her.
She's one sick bitch. Even as DH expressed the need for her to put her feelings about it aside for the sake of allowing the "kids" opportunities to grow, she shrugged it off.
As for SD, she will be 17. Like SS, no job, no license, no freedom.
Those are all things that they can change IF THEY WANT TO. Obviously they don't want to more than she doesn't want them too.
As far as BM hugging DH, it honestly doesn't bother me. I mean it when I say, I'm not the one who has to endure the contact.
SIL has pretty much removed herself from our lives, which is fine. She's been two-faced for as long as I've known her. Sadly, the woman she calls her BFF was the recipient of a bottle of prune juice in her brand new convertible. SIL & her daughter were the ones gracious enough to dump it all over the interior on a hot summer day.
If that's the best she can do in friendship, we don't need her in family.
I don't know that anything will help BM put the past behind her. When they were going to court-ordered therapy with the kids the counselor spoke with BM & DH & asked DH if he had any feelings for BM. He made it clear that he did not.
The counselor recommended that BM seek counseling to help her move forward. She explained that by living in the past she was creating emotional issues for her children & keeping them from being able to move forward. It's difficult for them to continue moving forward with one parent while they're trying to keep their place with the parent who is living in the past, so they either move forward with one & create a distance with the other or they stay in the past with the one as the other parent moves forward without them.
BM said the counselor didn't know what she was talking about. Apparently, none of the 6 counselors she had them bouncing between knew what they were talking about because they all told her that the kids were being negatively affected emotionally by her parenting.
She'll tell anyone, still today, that DH is "the love of her life".
The only thing she'd have to say if she watched our wedding video for 72 hours straight is how wrong it was for us not to invite her so that the kids could've been there. Heaven forbid she let them attend their father's wedding without her present... :sick:
No one can help her because she doesn't want help.
Comments
I haven't posted a blog in
I haven't posted a blog in awhile, I guess because really, there was nothing new to post about. The kids have stayed holed up in BM's house with her, poking their heads out only long enough to ask for handouts.
My MIL has been quite sick for the last few months. She's diabetic & has history of heart disease, & was diagnosed with congestive heart failure several years ago.
She had a second heart attack back in June & has been in & out of the hospital & the rehab facility ever since, trying to get fluid off her heart.
The second day into this, SIL called DH & informed him that she's "wiping her hands of them" & very plainly said "he's on his own with this". She hates FIL & has from the time MIL met him. She's a greedy bitch & has held a fear of him getting a piece of her inheritance.
1) All there is to inherit is the house.
2) It isn't "hers" until it's given to her.
Anyway, Dh & I have spent the last 2 months going between work & the hospital/rehab facility to spend time with MIL. Our house is a shambles. Our dogs have been neglected. DH doesn't get paid time off work, so his checks have been coming up short. I feel like I've been run ragged.
DH's kids came to the hospital, with BM in tow, to see MIL once...her second day in. I don't know what BM was on, but it was clear she was riding unicorns in some other world. Whatever.
DH has suggested, several times, that they at least call & tell her they're thinking about her. They couldn't manage.
Her birthday was July 30. She turned 73. SS called DH & DH suggested they call & wish her a happy birthday. Couldn't manage that either. We went & spent the day with her. She spent the day in tears because of her 2 children & her 4 grandchildren, we were the only ones who made time for her.
SIL's daughter works in the morgue in the basement of the building MIL was staying in, & in the 2 months she was bedridden, niece couldn't manage to pull 5 minutes to visit.
I was off work a week ago this past Thursday & Friday. I spent the day with MIL Thursday & they did surgery Friday to put catheters in her neck for dialysis. They did dialysis Friday & Saturday & she passed away Sunday. We buried her Thursday.
Naturally, when DH called the kids to tell them, it was all his fault they didn't get to see her before she passed. I know...it'd be news if it were any other way. I was pissed. I've learned to expect the finger-pointing, but I'm angry that he didn't point their fingers back at them where they belong.
They spent the week prior at the beach & BM (through a load of tears) insisted that they'd have come back early if they knew she was so sick.
1) DH has been telling them for at least 6 years (since she had her stroke) that she probably wouldn't be around long. They've had ample opportunity to spend time with her but haven't managed to pull their heads out of BM's ass long enough to do so.
2) They knew she'd been sick & in the hospital. They saw her there once.
3) They had a reminder to visit with her & call her on her birthday. DH specifically said, "This may be her last birthday".
Those are ALL things I feel DH should've reminded them of when they were lashing out at him for not letting them know. WE didn't know. We weren't there when she passed. Had we known, we certainly would've been.
We left our house within 3 minutes of receiving the call that she'd been unresponsive & we were in the elevator at the parking ramp on our way up to her room when she passed.
DH called SIL on our way to hospital. She had her grown kids over, so she "couldn't make it". I couldn't believe it. Possibly an opportunity to make peace...to tell her mother she loves her...to say goodbye...anything, but she couldn't make time. She would've made it there in time.
Instead, MIL passed only with the company of a stranger. Thankfully one of the nurses was there with her & she didn't die alone.
DH & I spent Monday & Tuesday with FIL, making funeral arrangements. SIL was off work for bereavement, but was spending time with her daughter. She couldn't make time to help with arrangments.
The viewing was Wednesday.
BM came to the viewing with the kids (of course) & made a show of tears over the casket (of course) & consistently referred to MIL as "Mama". I kept wishing, somehow, MIL could've made as big of a show coming back long enough to tell her how disgusted she was with the way she treated their family.
When they were getting ready to leave the viewing (yes, they stayed for about 45 minutes & instead of leaving the kids to spend time with DH & the family, she took them with her) she turned to DH & said, "Well, I know it'll get you in trouble, but I'm going to hug you anyway". He said, "Storm doesn't care if you hug me". She sneered & said, "Well, I'm sure she'll have something to say when I leave, but I'm going to do it anyway".
I was sitting across the room & wanted to say "I'm not the one who squirms when you touch him", but for fear of raising the dead, I figured it was best left alone.
As they always are, they were late getting to the funeral home the next day. SS was supposed to be there 20 min ahead of time to get instructions as a pall bearer. They came in as the service was getting ready to start. The kids sat with us in the family rows. BM tromped her ass to the row right behind us & sat directly behind SD with her hand on SD's shoulders the whole time.
For those familiar with country music, there's a song about a woman who loved her man so much & when she talked about when he dies & they're digging his grave she's "gonna tell the gravedigger that he'd better dig two". I can't tell you how many times that particular line ran through my head this past week. No scene need be made. I could've easily just kicked BM into a hole in the ground & left feeling fine.
After the service, DH & SS got up to go with the pall bearers, leaving me & SD in that row. They led the FAMILY out the front way, through the FAMILY doors, & don't you know that fucking bitch BM jumped up with the FAMILY & about ran me over trying to get to SD to escort her out before I got too close.
My instict to "kill her with kindness" kicked in as we were going out the door. I offered her one of the small packs of tissues to take to the cemetery. She declined. Whatever.
After the service at the cemetery, me, DH & the kids were all standing on one side of the tent. BM was standing by herself on the other side. I waved her over to come & stand with us & she declined my offer & said she was good. However, she made her way over about 2 minutes later.
SD was telling DH how badly she wanted to move back closer to the city. SS wants to move back closer to the city. When DH asked why they haven't, BM got snippy & said, "It's ME, DH. I'M the one who doesn't want to come back". He asked why, mentioning the opportunities it would provide for the kids to be within a reasonable distance to the colleges & jobs, etc.
She said that she can't handle being back in the area because of the memories...the family she doesn't have anymore, the places they used to love to go together, the things they used to love to do together. Too many reminders. And she's worried that having the kids so close to him will pull them away from her. So, she pretty much admitted she's doing all she can to keep the wedge between him & the kids for fear of losing them.
SS called that night & talked to DH about "he never wanted his parents to get a divorce". They talked for almost 2 hours re-hashing everything about the marriage, BM unable to keep her ass at home & needing to fuck everything that walked on two legs. DH doing everything he could've possibly done to keep their family together & Sonya just not being interested in their marriage & her need to be out "finding herself". They talked about BM being unable/unwilling to move on with life & being stuck in a situation/period of life that is gone. DH suggested SS going to counseling to figure out how to cope & process everything from those years of his life so that he can move forward & begin living life for himself instead of feeling the obligation to be BM's caretaker.
SS asked if DH would be willing to go to counseling with him. DH said he absolutely would. SS asked if it was okay if BM went too. DH said that was fine. Then SS asked if DH would be willing to go, just with BM, to work through the issues she was having with moving on. LMFAO!
DH told him that re-hashing the problems in their marriage & re-living old memories with his ex-wife, & etc isn't something he has any interest in doing. He explained that that's what marriage counseling is for, & that it's something you do when you're trying to save your marriage. There was a time when he begged BM to go to counseling & she had no interest. Their marriage is over & his interest is in doing what he needs to do to keep this one strong. BM is a grown woman & is responsible for helping herself. He recommended she see a counselor to figure out how to get over what's done & move on, but that it's not his place to hold her hand through it.
I was back at work Friday. My direct line rang at 8:09am. It was SIL. She hasn't spoken to me since Christmas, aside from a hug & a "Thank you for being there when I couldn't be".
She was calling to find out about the will...
You have got to love a
You have got to love a dysfunctional family at a time when someone dies...It really brings out the best in people....I watched it when my son died and then my husband and then my MIL...Every single funeral had it's own dysfunction....
It was like a horrible circus
It was like a horrible circus with those creepy-ass clowns. I've always felt fortunate to have a family without the drama.
I guess I never realized just how fortunate I really am.
I've never been in the middle of situation where there was so much awkward hate & vile crap. It makes me want to move closer to my own family...around people who love us & give a shit.
If your SS is old enough for
If your SS is old enough for DH to be discussing past marriage issues with your DH he should be capable of accepting what happened.
Most children do not want their parents to get divorced. But I'd ask SS if he would be willing to stay in a relationship where his wife was opening dating and sleeping with other men. What young man looks forward to that as his future marriage scenario?
Is there any reason for you or your DH to ever speak to SIL again? She sounds like someone best removed from your life.
You are a nicer person than I am. Because there is NO WAY ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH that I would allow BM (especially one with as few boundaries as yours) to attend the funeral. I would be PISSED beyond belief if my DH let BM hug him - especially after that snarky remark.
But what's past is past so nothing you can do about it now.
Are the skids adults? If so why in God's name is BM still poking herself in your life. Neither you nor DH need to ever see or speak to her again - ever.
SS turned 20 in July. SD
SS turned 20 in July.
SD will be 17 in less than a month.
There is a reason BM is still coming around, but not a good one.
SS is 20 years old. Most 20 year old boys spend their time in their cars, going on dates, going to college, going to jobs, paving a path to their futures.
Unfortunately, SS is doing none of that. At 20 years old, he has his learners, ONLY because DH made him take the test when DH had to go to the DMV to renew his license. SS happened to be with us that day. BM says SS isn't "ready" to drive. Truth is, BM isn't ready for him to gain an ounce of independence.
At 20 years old, SS has yet to work a job a day in his life. To get a job requires filling out a job application. BM isn't ready for him to take on that kind of responsibility.
As far as going on dates, he doesn't go on dates. The one girlfriend he had was a live-in, with BM's blessing when SS was 18 years old & the girlfriend was 15/16. No one told her mom. As far as her mom knew, her daughter was living there as a friend of SD's.
At 20 years old, BM feels that college is an awfully big step for her baby boy to take. She isn't quite ready to see him spread his wings that far.
Frankly, BM isn't ready...& will NEVER be ready for her children to grow up & expand their lives in any way that results in them gaining an ounce of distance or freedom or independence from her.
She's one sick bitch. Even as DH expressed the need for her to put her feelings about it aside for the sake of allowing the "kids" opportunities to grow, she shrugged it off.
As for SD, she will be 17. Like SS, no job, no license, no freedom.
Those are all things that they can change IF THEY WANT TO. Obviously they don't want to more than she doesn't want them too.
As far as BM hugging DH, it honestly doesn't bother me. I mean it when I say, I'm not the one who has to endure the contact.
SIL has pretty much removed herself from our lives, which is fine. She's been two-faced for as long as I've known her. Sadly, the woman she calls her BFF was the recipient of a bottle of prune juice in her brand new convertible. SIL & her daughter were the ones gracious enough to dump it all over the interior on a hot summer day.
If that's the best she can do in friendship, we don't need her in family.
I don't know that anything
I don't know that anything will help BM put the past behind her. When they were going to court-ordered therapy with the kids the counselor spoke with BM & DH & asked DH if he had any feelings for BM. He made it clear that he did not.
The counselor recommended that BM seek counseling to help her move forward. She explained that by living in the past she was creating emotional issues for her children & keeping them from being able to move forward. It's difficult for them to continue moving forward with one parent while they're trying to keep their place with the parent who is living in the past, so they either move forward with one & create a distance with the other or they stay in the past with the one as the other parent moves forward without them.
BM said the counselor didn't know what she was talking about. Apparently, none of the 6 counselors she had them bouncing between knew what they were talking about because they all told her that the kids were being negatively affected emotionally by her parenting.
She'll tell anyone, still today, that DH is "the love of her life".
The only thing she'd have to say if she watched our wedding video for 72 hours straight is how wrong it was for us not to invite her so that the kids could've been there. Heaven forbid she let them attend their father's wedding without her present... :sick:
No one can help her because she doesn't want help.