SS and chores
While we were away on vacation, my Dad stopped by our house a few times to check up on things and pick up the mail. He crossed paths with my neighbor who happens to be a step-Mom herself. Dad and my neighbor have met before and they started chatting. In the conversation my Dad asked when garbage pick-up was. My neighbor replied that she sees DW take the garbage out all the time on Thursday night. My Dad seemed confused. “Draco told me that it was SS that took out the garbage.” My neighbor corrected him. “No, it is always DW.”.
Dad repeated this conversation to me on the weekend.
Boy did I get upset.
SS has a bunch of chores that he has to do. It’s listed on the corkboard at home. They are not difficult chores (like taking out the trash). He should be doing more complex chores, but we decided to give him simple chores to start off with. I decided to give him chores that a kid half his age can do and slowly move it up. DW thought it was a good idea. We should have done this before but later is better than never, right?
So I find out through my Dad that DW has been covering for SS on one of these chores. The question I am asking myself is 'how long has this been going on?'. I ask DW about it and she replies that yes she *sometimes* takes out the trash because SS forgets sometimes. I am not sure I believe her, but I then ask her if she has been covering for SS’s other chores. DW replies that she doesn’t but that she “helps” him sometimes.
“Helps?” I ask. “Exactly how much ‘help’ does a 13-year-old kid need to sweep a floor, take out the trash and empty the dishwasher?”.
Here is what I think is happening; knowing SS and DW the way I do. DW tells him about a chore he has to do. SS whines and says it’s too hard or some bullsh*t. His Mom coaxes him into doing it. SS starts to do it but then asks a bunch of stupid questions (“Is this how you hold a broom?”) in an attempt to keep his mother’s attention on him. DW feels like she has to help him, or she just ends up doing it herself because she can’t bring herself to say “Figure it out yourself!”
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Comments
Yeah, one of my friends said
Yeah, one of my friends said she'd rather do the housework herself because her kids wouldn't do it right.
I said the only way they learn how to do it right is by practice. It took my eldest daughter a whole year before she made her bed up correctly. Part of it was laziness but I refused to let her off the hook.
Ever see the Nanny show where the parent has to put the child to bed and they keep getting out? Sometimes the parent has to put the child back in their bed 60-70 times but eventually the child stops and stays in bed.
>Ever see the Nanny show
>Ever see the Nanny show where the parent has to put the child to bed and they keep getting out? <
DW and I used to watch that show and we enjoyed it! Unfortunately, these days we don't have much of a chance for TV viewing because - wait for it - we are busy with household chores in the evening!
Oh dear. Is it DW's plan to
Oh dear. Is it DW's plan to turn SS into a lazy, whiney little arsehole? Because she is certainly going the right way about it.
I understand your feelings.
I understand your feelings. Keeping a house in order (especially with young kids running around) is a Herculean task. My problem with this is the lesson it is teaching SS. If SS shirks his responsibilies, he doesn't care because his mother is always there to cover for him.
Why in the world would you
Why in the world would you dad run back and tell you what was said?
I find it strange that the neighbor responded the way she did. If someone asked me about garbage pick up, I'd say Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I would not say who takes trash out of which house on what days.
He didn't run to tell me what
He didn't run to tell me what she said. I saw him on the weekend and the subject just happened to come up. I said "SS takes out the garbage" and Dad said "you sure about that?".
Question Draco - how is it
Question Draco - how is it you don't notice DW doing SS's chores for him?
I'm at work 8 hours a day. By
I'm at work 8 hours a day. By the time I come home, SS's chores are done.
What kind of shift do you
What kind of shift do you work? The neighbor said she sees DW taking the trash out in the evening. You're not home in the evening?
Why not tell SS to wait until you're home to do the chores? That way you can check after he does them to make sure that he's done them properly.
Ah. I work from 8:30 to 5. By
Ah. I work from 8:30 to 5. By the time I get home, it is 6:30. Yes I suppose I could ask them to wait until I get home so that I could check. Not sure how this would work once school starts though... :?
School shouldn't be a
School shouldn't be a problem. When he gets home he does his homework. You can't do the dishes until after dinner anyway, and he can sweep the kitchen same time then as well.
Plus, trash has to be taken out in the evening as well. All things that can be done when you are home. I work full time as well and have never had an issue with supervising my kids doing their chores.
If you can't get your schedule to jive with SS's chores then pick some different chores he can do when you are home. The point is more to teach him responsibility than having him do housework, right?
Yes exactly. I'll definetly
Yes exactly. I'll definetly consider it, although it is kind of awkward because I don't want this to become an issue of "me accusing DW of not parenting SS the way he should be parented so I am taking over" KWIM?
I know what you mean. But
I know what you mean. But since you were the one that came up with the idea of chores for SS, you should be in charge of making sure they are done properly.
Don't make it about DW helping SS with chores, frame it as you are making sure SS does the chores correctly.
I did something similar with my daughter when she started doing the dishes. I told her when she was done she had to tell me so I could go and check. She was always forgetting a dish on the table, or didn't wipe the table off. This saved me aggravation when I would discover she hadn't wiped the table off but it was too late for her to do it because she was already in bed!
Checking right after they do it is helpful for kids with ADHD as well. Everything has to be more immediate. If he misses something you can point it out to him and he can correct it right then and there.
Or the other option is you let the chore list go.
Your neighbor is creepy. Why
Your neighbor is creepy. Why is she so concerned with how is taking out the trash in YOUR home?
ETA: Missed the part that your neighbor was a SM. But that is still weird.
You might want to reread my
:?
You might want to reread my post.
She was probably thinking,
She was probably thinking, With a teenage son and a husband in the house, why is the wife taking out the garbage? I would wonder that myself.
Oh ok. I guess it was just
Oh ok. I guess it was just weird to me. Because I'm bff's with two of my neighbors. And it has never once crossed my mind who takes the garbage out at their house.
*shrugs*
The neighbor across the
The neighbor across the street waters his lawn every Sat afternoon like clockwork. He also mows the lawn and trims the hedges. His wife never ventures further from the front balcony. So she tends to the things there but nothing in the yard. If you live in a house for many years like I have, you tend to notice patterns of activities of others. I do not know why the man does what he does and why the wife does what she does. All I know is what I see. I have no idea what goes on inside their house let alone how they divide their household chores
Would you be equally confused
Would you be equally confused by a husband doing his daughters hair or folding laundry?
I didn't realize that there were still people who held onto a 1950s division of appropriate labor for men and women.
And anyone who believes that these events unfolded as posted... I have a bridge to sell you....
>And anyone who believes that
>And anyone who believes that these events unfolded as posted... I have a bridge to sell you....<
What do you mean by that peanut?
I'm not going based solely on
I'm not going based solely on gender roles. Maybe it's my own bias as a stepmom? I'll give an example. I began mowing our yard when I was about 10. DH began mowing at about the same age. Yet when SD reached an appropriate age to mow, he didn't want to "make" her do it. So he continued to mow the lawn while she sat on her butt. She didn't do "other" chores to make up for it, she just didn't do anything. If somebody had passed my house as a child and seen my mother mowing, they would have wondered what the heck was going on. I think that's only natural when there are lots of able-bodied people in the house.
Yeah I was kind of wondering
Yeah I was kind of wondering too. If Dad was there to take out the garbage, Drac0 would have told him when garbage day was. If not, why would that question come up in a casual conversation?
My Dad was just checking up
My Dad was just checking up on the house. My Dad knew what day garbage day was but we live in different districts and the pick up days do change in the summer/winter months. So really, Dad was just double checking. How it came out that it was DW taking out the garbage (and not SS) I cannot tell you for sure. I am just repeating a conversation my Dad had with my neighbor.
I think the bio parent
I think the bio parent should be in charge of chores for her child and let them deal with consequences. this is really not that big of an issue in my opinion. Let it go, serenity now.
I agree! As long as their
I agree! As long as their laziness doesn't infringe on my enjoyment of my home, I feel the bio parent should deal with this. It may grate on my nerves to watch my
DH do their chores for them, but hey, as long as I don't have to do it, ultimately I will be happier.
Drac0, haven't read through
Drac0, haven't read through all the posts. But what your SS was doing is called learned helplessness. It's just another manipulation to get out of doing work. I've seen my SS do this. He sometimes acts mentally challenged when he does a chore he doesn't like.
>Drac0, haven't read through
>Drac0, haven't read through all the posts. But what your SS was doing is called learned helplessness.<
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I wanted to explain this to DW on the weekend but the term for it completely slipped my mind. When I was a regular on these boards last year, that term came up.
Another term is 'planned
Another term is 'planned incompetence.' I kind of like that one.
So why do you care? Look,
So why do you care? Look, Draco, your ss is probably going to be an epic fail at life. Yes, its possible he could turn it around at some point-but IF that happens it will probably be only when he hits the bottom and doesn't have mommy helping him. I feel for you, I really do, in fact I used to be you. I could see that my ss15 was on a path to destruction and I kept trying to change that. By talking to dh, by talking to ss, by trying to teach morals, values, responsibility and all that jazz. SS just grew to hate me, dh grew to resent me trying to tell him something was wrong with his little boy or with his parenting. So since I was getting nothing out of it but a bunch a grief-I just stopped. I stopped caring what this kid was going to turn out like. It was a process at first, but trust me, I have reached that point in which I completely don't care what happens to this kid.
I don't have to live with him, thank god!-so I don't have to worry about these day to day issues, but quite frankly as long as the chores were getting done I wouldn't care who was doing it. If she wants to raise her son to be an inept loser-than that's her choice. let her. You've certainly discussed it with her til your blue in the face-she either doesn't care or shes not getting it. So drop it. I believe there is a big enough age difference with your kid that he probably wont be affected by seeing his half brother be a totally inept loser. You can teach him the proper way on how to be a winner.
>So why do you care?< A
>So why do you care?<
A question for the ages I suppose. Yes it is frustrating to watch and yes, I have been criticized for immersing myself in a role that many on STalk believe have no business to be in. But there is that *nagging* doubt at the back of my mind that prevents me from sitting back and doing nothing.
What I like in all this discussion is that comments like yours (and others) really force me to ask myself "is this a hill worth dying on"? Probably, probably not, but it is still worth discussing these things with my DW. I do appreciate your comment though.
I think this is one thing I'd
I think this is one thing I'd have trouble not caring about. I have nothing to do with SS' chores. But it still bugs me that he does such a crap job. Nothing I can do about it. But if I saw SO taking out the trash because SS was in the middle of a game or he was too tired I'd probably have to talk to my SO about it. That is just not the type of environment I want to live in, where kids are allowed to treat their dad as their manservant. Even if dad tolerates it.
I left a relationship where the kids treated their dad just like that. It really was a deal breaker for me. For me it was a hill worth dying on. It was a sign of a lack of balance and adults not being treated like adults. It was sad.
But to each their own. I know not everyone cares enough to make it an issue.
Yep..I would not cause to
Yep..I would not cause to much of a ruckus over this. But I think I would tell DW that you are adamant that she does not do that with your children because you do not want your kids raised that way.
And just tacking on my own
And just tacking on my own example. Why is it such a big deal to asks SS16 to close or tie the garbage bag? SS refused to do this and I brought it up with SO and SO acted like I was trying to control his and SS' entire life. Sheesh. defensive, just a little? Okay, done venting.
LOL Yeah! It's all about
LOL
Yeah! It's all about "control".
My Mom would throw a huge sh*t fit if I didn't do the dishes immediately after supper. Thing is Star Trek was on right after supper, so I would watch the episode and do the dishes after the show....no, no, no, no, no, NO! According to my Mom dishes trump Captain Kirk.
AS IF!!!!
Even today, I only do the dishes about an hour or two after supper is finished, but I still do them.
Drac0, I am not living in a
Drac0, I am not living in a house that the skids are ill mannered, unproductive, disrespectful humans either. As an adult and married to my DH, I am a role model for his kids. Like it or not. They see me and how I conduct myself.
It is my DH's job to set the ground rules carry out the consequence if need, and instill values into his children. But I can tell you if he chose not too, I would not sit by and do nothing.
I am not going to live in a house with a child, who is disrespectful and lazy, who chews with their mouth open, doesn't put their napkin in their lap, who doesn't clear the table talks back or doesn't put away their things etc.
I would tell her she is not doing her son any favors. Learning to be a responsible, productive, respectful human in on her. It is her child. You as the man in the house want to help her carry out what you know she wants for him.
You are influencing the child and learned helplessness or planned incompetence would not be acceptable in my world either.
That's just it-Draco has
That's just it-Draco has already discussed with his wife trying to make the kid a good person-however she continues to "parent" him as she wishes. She is already doing what she wants for him-Which is coddling him. Draco continuing to try and change how she parents this kid is like banging his head against a brick wall.
I actually believe he can still be a positive influence on the kid-just by being him. Draco can do man of the house stuff in front of the kid and perhaps the kid will get a clue and realize that those are expected things in caring for a home. I doubt he will ever voluntarily do them as he has a mother who does not hold him to it-but again perhaps some day in his own home he will base some of his own "man of the house" behaviors on what he observed from Draco growing up.
like.
like.