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Lilly Grace's picture

Submitted by Lilly Grace on Thu, 08/01/2013 - 11:12pm

Today I really just wanted to bounce my head off the wall. I have really been trying to get our youngest daughter (3) that hitting and biting are not ok! I have been b*tch slapped enough... I am over it. However ususally she is hitting my SD (eight) and SS (seven)and I scold her, as much as you can at that age, each time she does it.. "stop hitting/biting its not nice","we don't hit/bite it hurts" ect over and over and over.
So today as the three of them are playing outside I just sat back as a silent observer. Come to find out my skids are telling her to go bite her sister/brother or go hit so and so they like to be hit. Well what in the hell am I telling the three year old to stop when they are encouraging it by telling her to do so? I decided against addressing this mainly because I recently experienced my very first panic attack, yay, (followed by a few more in the days following) didn't find this a battle worth losing my sanity over. So what is the appropriate action to take? Continue to address the hitting/biting issue regardless of this, or just say nothing, and if they end up getting hurt to let them know what I have observed and not to come looking for sympathy from me or their dad. Again i know.. small beans but would like to hear how others would deal with the issue. Smile

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Lilly Grace's picture

Submitted by Lilly Grace on Thu, 08/01/2013 - 11:22pm

* Just to add a little background info.. i am a stay at home mom. my husband works from mid morning until late evening and birth mom has not been in the pic since skids were toddlers, so it leaves me as the person who is there to address any issues most of the time...

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 12:44am

Don't you just love panic attacks? Sad I get them too and sometimes I will sit down and take long slow deep breathes, in through the nose and out through the mouth.

Okay with the biting, lay the kid on the ground and firmly place a towel across the mouth forcing the jaw to open as wide as it goes and hold it there until the kid goes limp. It sounds mean and it won't cut the airway or hurt her. Your goal is to break the will and both of your hands will be near her ears holding the towel but not allowing her to shake her head to get out of it as you straddle her putting your weight on your knees but move your feet close enough together that her legs can't thrash around. She will try to get away but don't release her until she goes limp from giving up the fight. Once she goes limp, immediately release the towel and yourself off of her and the problem should be solved.

My brother bit everybody that came to the door like a mad dog until my mom did that and he never bit again. I do the same thing with dogs too and it simply breaks their will. She must be smart and strong willed from the sound of it. Also by solving the problem{s}, it will help you with your anxiety bc it does get better.

BTW I don't mean to sound like I'm comparing your kid to a dog. Smile

Lilly Grace's picture

Submitted by Lilly Grace on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 12:52am

It was just an enjoyable experience! Ha.. i really thought at the time I was having a heart attack and was going to die! I think my husband thought this is it, she has finally gone nuts lol. Although this particular biting issue didn't play much part in my melt down. I think between always being the person responsible for the skids, in laws from hell and a 2 year court case things finally caught up with me.

She is a extremely strong willed. I think that we would not have many issues as we are if my skids did not turn those behaviors into a game and would have an easier time getting her to stop biting and hitting. They have a tendency to agg (sp) on my BD(7), who has ADHD, the same way in effort to get her into trouble. It's rather irritating.

Thank you for the tip on biting.. i will let you know if I end up having to use that meathod. Chances are I will last 5 seconds Smile

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 1:16am

I know its hard to hold a kid down as tears will fall down her poor sweet little face but you can't give up or she will get worse. If you know you can't do it until she gives, please don't attempt it then.

Wow you mention ADHD, I ought to have my DH give you further tips, he has ADHD and works with kids {well actually our friends kids} to help them deal with ADHD using breathing methods and maybe even stretches, I'm not sure. Try giving her a can of pop if she is bouncing off the walls too, caffeine does wonders for people with ADHD. It even helps them focus better but the drug industries don't want people to know that.

Haha my brother use to run into walls and have knocked himself out cold bc his mind was on the other side of that wall which is why he didn't see it. Another little tip, have objects like squishy balls on hand and encourage her to use them for its a great drug free distraction.

Now adding Skids to that mix..SIGH I pity you on that! Skids to any mix is a whole new ball game. Ugh anyways..lol

Lilly Grace's picture

Submitted by Lilly Grace on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 1:32am

We just started BD7 on Vyvanse and she has really been doing amazingly well on it. Prior to meds she would start reading a book in one room and by the end of the book (if she could focus that long) she would be in another room lol.. I was open to anything though after she asked my why she was so stupid. It was beginning to take a toll on her self esteem. Unfortunately I'm afraid my three year old will likely end up with the same diagnosis. She is a spitting image of BD7. I would appreciate any suggestions your husband would have to offer!

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 1:51am

I can tell you right now {assuming the diagnosis is correct} that everybody I have ever met who has ADHD are in fact very smart. The reason they feel stupid is bc teachers, peers, and others frown on them as if they are acting up for attention and its hard for others to feel distracted but they don't understand it. Now with meds, they usually work for only so long and then a change of medication will be given. Do what you got to do with their doctors and all but there are other tools that you can provide them with that they can use for the rest of their lives. A sport does wonders for helping them focus.

It takes a lot of patience having kids with ADHD and can be extremely tiring on you when you are running in circles trying to keep up and it can leave you feeling like your getting no where. Hang in there, time and tools is the key. I'm glad that you are asking questions, and there are a lot of others in the same boat as you.

Anyways as much as I would enjoy staying online and chatting more, I really do have to close for tonight due to other plans. Hang in there okay, your not alone nor are your kids. Smile

Lilly Grace's picture

Submitted by Lilly Grace on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 3:34am

No you read correctly. I really didn't explain the scenario very clearly tho.. my BD7 is the child who has ADHD however she is at her dads until tomorrow afternoon. So this was my skids encouraging my youngest to hit and bite. Hopefully that makes a little more sense? I agree they should have consequences for doing this. My delimma is what that consequence should be. I can scold the till I'm blue in the face and their response is blank stare as tho I am speaking a foreign language and then I will catch them doing the same thing again within 10 min. They are like that anytime I address behavior issues with them and have consequently grown tired of repeating the same speach day in and day out. My husband and I are in an awkward stage with discipline right now and he is really making the effort to take over their discipline when he is home so on one hand I really want to rip em for encouraging that and on the other I feel like maybe I should leave it for him to address.

I did the use the technique of biting back with my BD7 and it worked like a charm Smile I guess I'm torn on stepping in and scolding her when really the skids are turning it into a game. Does that make any sense at all?

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 7:03am

If you are left to parent the Skids, then parent them. If the dynamic with DH is that he expects you to nanny to the children but not actually parent them, then I recommend you run now.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 12:25pm

You need to confront the step kids on this. If they are undermining what you are trying to teach your bio, it will never work....Stand up for yourself and your bio...