DW's cousin about to become a SM
So DW and I talked to her cousin the other night.
It was one of those few moments where I am very, VERY thankful that I am on this site and that you all have given me some keen insights into my own situation. Without it, I don’t think I would have been able to answer DW’s cousin’s questions.
The night started very well with a BBQ (I made my whiskey ribs) and the kids playing hide and seek in the back and front yards. After the night wound down and the kids were put to bed, our conversation turned a bit more serious.
At some point, our conversation turned to parenting, to which DW’s cousin asked.
“Do you two fight a lot over SS?”
DW and I both responded at the same time “YES!!!!”
DW’s cousin then began to say that she is dating a guy who already has a 10-year-old daughter.
“It’s getting pretty serious.” DW’s cousin admitted. “I’ve met his daughter and he has met my two kids. However we are both – I don’t know – wary.”
“Wary of becoming a blended family?” I asked.
“Yes! That’s it.” DW’s cousin stated. “Even when I was with my ex, I made all the parenting decisions. He just went along with whatever I decided. Even on issues I felt needed some discussion, he just wouldn’t want to because he couldn’t be bothered. So I had parenting control over everything. However this guy I am dating, he is VERY proactive with the kids. He’s attentive, he plays with them,….uhm.”
“He disciplines them?” I added.
“Yeah! It is just not something I am used to.”
“What about your own parents?” I asked. “Did only one of the parents do all the child rearing, or did your mother and father share that responsibility?”
“My Mom was a single mother.” She said. “My father left me when I was 6”
“Oh gosh! I am so sorry!” I said. “I had no idea…I thought maybe you could use your own parents as a model on how to share parenting responsibilities, but you really are venturing into unknown territory!”
“Yeah, and that is what scares me!” DW’s cousin said. “I fear that I might be a ‘control freak’ since I am so used to having control over everything.”
“Have you talked to your Boyfriend about this?” DW asked. “Because Drac0 and I talk all the time. We may not always agree, because his views on parenting, *especially* education is far different than mine. But we always talk and somehow we always find a compromise.”
“Plus, at the end of it all.” I added “DW and I both want the same thing for all our kids.”
As we continued to talk, I began *seeing* this site in my head. I began thinking of all the SM’s I read about and how they went into relationships with their husbands/boyfriends thinking that they will be the ideal blended family but found themselves unprepared for the challenges of Stepdoom. Granted each of our experiences are different, but here I was talking to a woman who was about to become a stepmom herself. Plus, if you consider her experience about sharing parenting responsibilities, I still felt wholly inadequate to give her any advice apart from If you love him, and he loves you, you both will overcome any parenting challenges you will face.
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If you love him, and he loves
If you love him, and he loves you, you both will overcome any parenting challenges you will face.
Draco, you know that above statement is usually what gets people in trouble. Love does not conquer all. You have to work at it. Tell her to get the book Stepmonster and read it. Her and the BF need to blend parenting styles and really have a discussion about what works for them and doesn't.
FDH allowed SS to be paddled in school, I told him point blank that was fine for SS but not for my DD nor for any kids we had together. He said he would change that the next school year for SS after he heard my reasons why I do not agree with it. I told him he did not have to because that was his child to raise and ruin or make into a wonderful adult on his own. This is the attitude both parties need to have. They need to compromise so no child feels singled out.
>FDH allowed SS to be paddled
>FDH allowed SS to be paddled in school<
My school year was the last year that this was allowed. Teacher's were allowed to strike students with yard sticks who misbehaved (one even got the strap). The term "PC" was alien to us. Teachers would also hug students, ask them to come over to their houses for dinner, etc. It was a time where there wasn't a clear-cut divide between teacher/student. Teachers were allowed (even encouraged) to treat students in the same way they would treat their own children. One of my teachers lived in my neighborhood and he used to give me a lift home. He would even talk to me about personal issues and I would do the same.
This atmosphere is practically unheard of today and when I recount my HS experiences, I have made many a person's jaw drop "THAT IS NOT RIGHT" or "THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE". But I and my fellow graduates turned out alright. Each and every one of us have vetured on to become successful. I cannot justify my HS experiences other than I can justify my own experiences with DW and what I feel works for us. Yes, love takes work but love that love also sustains me. At the risk of sounding gushy, if it wasn't for that love, I probably would have never been able to weather the storm that is stepparenthood.
My daughters teacher lives
My daughters teacher lives across the street from us. He has been to our home for dinner more than once, and we to his home. My daughter came home sick from school one day and he brought her backpack home to her. My daughter loves knowing that her teacher is a "normal" person with a family and a home. It makes it easier to relate to him, and makes him much more approachable when there is something going on at school.
Sadly last year was his final year teaching and he has retired. He will be missed at the school, I consider our family lucky that we are able to maintain a friendship, that started off as a teacher/ student situation, with such an admirable person.
Just throwing that out there, because I think the world of this man.
The teacher that I spoke
The teacher that I spoke about was pressured into finding a new school to teach at when too many parents began complaining about him. It makes me sad because he was one of the few men out there who was not onlyvery knowledgeable about the subject he taught (history) but he was very passionate about teaching and opening up student's minds in the same way Robin William's character did in "Dead Poet's Society". He was so influential in my life and some of the ways I help out SS, I take from him.
So I was sad to hear that he ended up getting the shaft by the parents of the students he loved to teach. The good news is, I heard through the grape vine he ended up becoming a principal at another in another state.
I live in a fairly small
I live in a fairly small town. My dad went to the same elementary school that my kids go to now. Kind of the "everyone knows everyone" mentality but not so much of the drama you would think would come along with that. I like knowing my kids teachers on a personal level. I know that he is not some creep with ill intentions. I don't understand why parents WOULDN'T want it that way. This world has become ultra sensitive, they think they are protecting these kids. Really they are jading them. Kids gotta trust SOMEONE and sometimes mom and dad just aren't enough.
Eh, just my two cents worth. Now I am broke. Hope that grapevine news is correct. Sounds like he would be a great leader for any school.
>Eh, just my two cents worth.
>Eh, just my two cents worth. Now I am broke<
LOL
I have a good friend who is a teacher and it is shocking the standards that teachers are held to these days, both on professional and personal levels. I built a bar in my basement and I have hosted a few parties down there. Some of these pictures make it to FB and it looks like we have a wild time. If I was a teacher and my students' parents got a hold of these pictures, I would be looking for another job faster than I can say "kill the keg!"
Funny you say that about the
Funny you say that about the bar. After my oldest daughters "meet the teacher" night for kindergarten, the day BEFORE the first day of school, DH and I went to dinner at the Mexican Restaurant up the street from the school. We look over in the bar and see a couple of women (late 30ish) laughing and having a good ol' time drinking some margaritas. One of the women stands up to use the restroom and I notice, it is my daughters teacher. DH and I just started laughing. Her teacher prepares for the upcoming school year, the same way we do. With a nice stiff drink. Then I thought, I wonder if there are parents at this school that would see that, and turn her in.
Turns out, our little town is just nice. Never one incident of the sort.
Just one question about your original post though...
How is it that you didn't already know that cousin was raised by a single mom? Isn't that your specialty, picking up on that "behavior".
I totally kid Drac0, your blogs wouldn't be complete without at least ONE snarky remark.
I live in California. People
I live in California. People here are SUE HAPPY. I was thinking more along the lines of, her getting in a car and driving home after her one margarita and someone calling the school accusing her of driving drunk and being a "bad example". Our little town is fairly exempt from the bullshit, but I still live in Los Angeles County. There is something on the local news every day that makes me shake my head.
I am secretly hoping that she
I am secretly hoping that she won't need this site to vent. She has a brother whom she is very close to and I think (I am not 100% sure) he is a stepdad as well.
^^^Tell her to join soon!
^^^Tell her to join soon! This site saved me from wanting to be the perfect "stepmom". Now I don't even use the stepmom term. I tell them all I am Dragonfly and Mom to biod"gradstudent".
I am a perfectionist and "thought" I could love everyone, a fact I found not to be true about myself. God mother to 3 children thought blending would be easy, "wrong" not my children.
Nothing about "step anything" is easy. They are not your children, they do not think, act. react like you. The usually come with some dead beat, crazy parent that is bitter, angry, wants more money, and will use their own children as pawns to get what they want.
None of us could be prepared for the heart ache, pain, exhaustion, disappointment, financial drain, anger, and resentment that comes with blending families.
I developed these rules for me to live by from what I read and learned from this site. My DH thinks this site is the best thing that could of happened for us and for me dealing with the skids. I learned to tell DH what I want, expect, and need from him and his kids. He carries it out and makes sure that "Dragonfly" stays happy.
She needs to come up with her own rules before she moves in or gets married to anyone with children.
1. I am a empty nester stepparent. My stepchildren have two involved parents. I don’t need to take on a parenting role.
I already parented mine.
2. I am a wife first, parent second, and a stepparent third. I like me and I will create time and space for myself.
3. I am a mom. And I will spend time with my adult, independent, happy daughter when I want. Your children do not come before my daughter.
4. My husband chose his former wife to be his children's mother. He must take responsibility for the consequences of that choice for himself and his children.
5. Whatever dynamic exists between my husband and his former wife does not involve me. They must work together for their children's benefit.
6. I will be kind to my stepchildren. I will support my husband in his role as their dad. I will contribute – on my own terms.
I like this. Especially #6.
I like this. Especially #6. In fact, I think that should be my #1 rule.
If you love him, and he loves
If you love him, and he loves you, you both will overcome any parenting challenges you will face.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oh Draco....Please tell me you did not really tell her this?! lol
Yes I did. Yes, you can
Yes I did.
Yes, you can paddle me now (see realitycheckmom's comment)
I believe you have just
I believe you have just opened the door to being cousin's "people" to vent to. Maybe more than you bargained for. I would send her here, or at least tell her to Google step-parenting and see if she can find somewhere she is comfortable with. Maybe she will end up here and you two won't even know it is each other posting
Should things get dicey, I am
Should things get dicey, I am 100% positive that you and others are far better equipped at giving her advice than I could. I don't mind sharing my little "play pen" that I have here. In fact, I long for the day where I won't need this site to vent my frustrations because I have achieved that "Happy ever after..." place. *shrug* Yeah I know I can be a naive fool.
PS: I still feel bad about the other day. I'm glad you are still commenting on my blogs.
Don't worry about it Drac0,
Don't worry about it Drac0, I've got a short term memory with things like that. You apologized, we can move on.
"At the risk of sounding
"At the risk of sounding gushy, if it wasn't for that love, I probably would have never been able to weather the storm that is step-parenthood."
None of us would!!!! Well said!
I have been with DH almost 5 yrs, married for 2 months. We did not live together before we were married. DH moved in and the skids did 2 weeks after we got back from our honeymoon for their 6 weeks of the summer with dad.
I can tell you if it was not for wine, good girlfriends, the rules I live by which gave me an out to go take a long soak in the jacuzzi tub, shut the bedroom door and watch a chic-flick or just leave for a while. I would not still be with DH.
The skids just left and I survived, but only because of our love and care for each other did we make it.
I believe they have been
I believe they have been dating for quite a while now (over a year?) so they have been talking a lot about taking the next "step" in their relationship.
Its hard to believe these
Its hard to believe these conversations happened like posted.
You don't have a photographic
You don't have a photographic memory? I remember all of my conversations word for word.
NOT.
I have an implant in my head
I have an implant in my head that allows me to rewind and playback conversations I had for transcription purposes.
Here's a word of advice for
Here's a word of advice for DW's cousin:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your "O" key is stuck.
Your "O" key is stuck.
yeah she sounds like me
yeah she sounds like me talking about my boyfriend a couple of years ago.
he is so attentive, great with his kids, he plays with them and oh yeah he disciplines
them as a matter of fact, he is down right hard on his kids. great standards.
then i moved in with him, and when i say i am a mom, I am a MOM. to every
kid that walks in this house. his were no exception. and that boyfriend
i was dating i havent seen since this guy moved in.
when dh was single he had to do those things., if she is a control freak she
will watch this man she met and thinks is such an awesome dad will just
fade to a person that she used to know.
wow, my life is depressing