My boyfriend's a people-pleaser
For nearly two decades, my boyfriend has been a doormat to his kids and to the kids' mom - and that pattern continues three years after his divorce from BM.
Almost anything his ex-wife and his kids ask of him, he agrees to, even though he usually says "no" at first. The frustrating thing about his initial "no" is that he actually thinks that demonstrates assertiveness. He doesn't seem to realize that by always caving in and saying yes in the end, which everyone knows he's gonna do, he's not being assertive at all.
His latest doormat behavior: Agreeing to pet-sit BM's dog for the weekend our home without being asked and with no notice. The dog was just unceremoniously dumped on us, and it pooped on our sofa and ate part of a door molding. Think he'll say anything to BM about it or ask for some money to repair the damages? Nope. He'll just silently clean everything up. That's what he does.
His kids also are constantly forgetting things either at their mom's house or our house, and somehow it's always my boyfriend's responsibility to drive an hour round-trip to deliver them, no matter whose house the kids forgot them at. Even when he says he agrees it's not fair, he still does it because he's so afraid of making anyone mad at him.
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Sounds familiar. When push
Sounds familiar. When push comes to shove, it's always my preferences and my way of doing things that's considered intrusive or conflict-causing.
Example: BM dumping her dog on us for the weekend. For reasons I cannot understand, my boyfriend did not see this behavior on her part as rude or unreasonable.
But when I had a problem with it, it was ME who was being mean and unreasonable.
I can't win. His ex-wife's whims rule the day and everyone else has to scramble and rearrange their lives to accommodate whatever she wants.
This is my DH as well. In
This is my DH as well.
In addition, as much as I love my DH and he is very sweet - I don't enjoy him doing things to please me, and I have to be on constant alert to avoid taking advantage if that makes sense.
My DH is the type sometimes that he will ask me if I want a glass of wine, if I say no thank you, he will NOT have a glass of wine because I didn't have one - and it drives me bananas sometimes.
When it comes to BM and the skids, DH doesn't say now. His act of assertiveness is in the form of MAYBE, he cannot say no, even when there is no way in hell such demand is going to even be considered, he will say MAYBE which is an open door for BM and\or skid to badger him non stop to which eventually MAYBE turns into some form of YES.
DH is so afraid of anyone being upset with him. I honestly can't tell if its from years of being married to BM who was a controlling woman who told him for years and years he was an undeserving person in this world and that noone would ever want him and it beat him down to where he is today or if he was always like this.
I do know its a personality flaw to some degree, but I also believe years of being beat down by BM and now by the skids plays a large part in it.
I try to give him his life back - if that makes sense, I try very hard to ensure he makes decisions for HIMSELF not based on what he thinks others want - but in a situation with BM and skids calling the shots - its really hard sometimes to step back.
Same here. My boyfriend is
Same here. My boyfriend is terrified of making his ex-wife mad, but he doesn't care if something upsets me. He thinks saying no to one of his ex-wife's demands is "creating conflict." He has literally said that phrase many times. He thinks is his ex wants something, it's his responsibility to make it happen or else he's at fault. He accepts all the burden on his shoulders just like he did throughout their marriage.
YES - DH doesn't seem to mind
YES - DH doesn't seem to mind to stand up to ME or say no to ME. I try to take it as a compliment that he is confident enough to be strong but sometimes its frustrating.
This is SO familiar. When I
This is SO familiar. When I met FDH he simply could not say no to his ex or kids, ever. I could count the ways... And I have even battled over HER dog. When I first met him, he used to take the dog to his house when he picked up the kids. But then we moved in together and the dog was a nightmare to my two elderly cats and was causing major issues. I told him it had to stop. He told her this and she decided WE needed to pay for a pet sitter EOW for her dog. Over my dead body. It was a huge battle with her as she felt he was responsible for her dog. In the end, I won this battle and the dog stopped coming over but not before lots and lots of crap about it, some of it from him.
Then I found out that when she was at her boyfriend's house every other weekend when we had the kids, she was leaving the dog at home b/c her boyfriend didn't want the dog there. And if FDH happened to be near her neighborhood, she had him go feed the freaking dog. We ended up having a HUGE blow out over this in counseling one day when the therapist made him hand me his phone so I could read his texts and the first thing I see is "Hey, I am here to feed the dog". This is after he told me he wouldn't do it anymore.
It wasn't until I put it to him this way did he really get it "Do you know how much of fool you look like to stop by and feed her dog while she's at another man's house getting laid by him?" Well, that was the end of that nonsense.
Now she's moved into the BF's house with the dog they are actively trying to get rid of (poor thing) and he made some comment about us taking the dog. I actually did consider it prior but I simply can't have this dog chase my elderly cats, bark all day while I work from home and otherwise be crazy. My own dog doesn't do that. He let it go ASAP and hasn't mentioned it since then. This is BM's dog and BM's problem.
The longer I am in my
The longer I am in my marriage and the more posts I read I cannot help but think that. These men are lazy. They never seem to have totally let go of their first families. And the Stepkid discipline behaviour, SM always the bad one is because these men just do not trust us with their children. I cannot believe that all you ladies on here are married to narcissistic a users. Pardon me for you ones that are. Jury is still out on mine! If they just gave us a chance???
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