Short answer is you cant. You can not completely disengage when your kids are involved-it's just not going to work. If you have already tried to address this issue with the dh and he is of no help I would feel free to proceed as you like. What you can do is start "rewarding" your kids. If his kids are always starting crap with yours with no punishment-then talk to the kids about handle individuals like this in general. Then when they handle it in an appropriate manner reward them with a special trip to the movies or dinner out just you and yours. When his kids, for example, do poorly at school-don't sweat it-shrug it off-simply let your kids know you have higher expectations of them and then again reward them when they do well. If you want the kids to do chores, and his do not, then fine simply give your kids an allowance or a reward for doing theirs.

Hell? I don't know it didn't sound as if she subjected them to hell. Sounds like kids arguing, he takes his kids side, she takes her kids side. Fairly typical if you ask me. Obviously healthy communication with your significant other would be the best and healthiest way to handle this situation. But other than that-some level of disengagement is a viable option, IMO.

Tell your dh that if he doesn't handle his kids that you will and he wont like it.

Then the next time something happens and he does nothing you take action and show him how its done.

Disengaging is not the answer right away. You need to be very patient with it and should act as if it can still be resolved. - Reputation