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72 day countdown...

stepmom2011's picture

Submitted by stepmom2011 on Wed, 06/26/2013 - 11:09pm

My lease will be up in September... almost one year since I moved out and since I've even seen SD15. DH is still at my apartment everyday. He is on track with his own therapist/parenting coach. He says he is preparing for my return. DH is concerned that he cannot control SD15. I told him that SD15 will do what she does and all I care about is how HE responds. If he steps in to protect me. Gives appropriate consequences for SD15's behavior. Call the police for any property damage or bodily harm. He has agreed that these boundaries need to be in place and that we have a short period of time to help SD15 prepare for real life where nobody give a damn that she did not get her way. Her temper tantrums will get her thrown in jail.

Still I am concerned about returning to this mess. I will take steps to protect myself, although I know SD15 will test the new boundaries/rules just to test her dad. He doesn't believe she will (of course) but I know different. I am heading into violence, and I am doing it willingly. I am going to put SD15 (whom I love) into juvie for the third time. DH says he isn't angry at me when I call the police, but there is always the cold and distant freeze out that lasts days or weeks after these incidents.

For those who say, "Don't go back! Leave him!" I understand and would probably tell my best friend the same thing. But I won't. I love him. I love his children. I may not like them sometimes, but I would do anything for them. He is not a Disney dad. BM passed away. I have the support of his family, my family and friends if I stay or go. But I need this place to vent. Vent, knowing I am surrounded by those who understand. Those who are compassionate. Sometimes once a week with my counselor is not enough. I need this place to keep my sanity.

Comments

soon2bmomo3's picture

Submitted by soon2bmomo3 on Wed, 06/26/2013 - 11:26pm

Have you thought about doing little trial runs like a night here a night there? Where you and him know but she doesn't that way she will see that it isn't up to her maybe plan a movie and dinner night at the house she lives in, but you pick the movie and dinner and that way you still have your place just incase?

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Thu, 06/27/2013 - 3:10am

OMG I can't even imagine being in your shoes. I hear you with your lease being up, is there family you can stay with until she is of age? Your story sounds all too familial and without BM being alive and able to take her turns, you need to look out for your safety too.

If you can't I would consider getting a place all to yourself even if it means you guys breaking up. She is not a nightmare you created and it could add extra stress on your DH to be forced to discipline her and protect you too.

It I were you I would get my own place and live while dating DH so to speak until she is of age. It would allow you guys to have the best of both worlds, keep you safe, and it will be on your DH to put his foot down with her. Think of it like your supporting your DH's obligations and leaving him with only worrying about parenting.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Thu, 06/27/2013 - 3:43am

I'm sorry but there is no way I could be married and live apart. That is so stupid IMO. If I'm committed to a relationship I want to know that my partner is too and that means to be with me and love me as his partner and to put kids in their role that they are meant to be in.

I'm sorry you are going through this but my Beowulf is that everyone has choices and you are choosing to be with someone who doesn't have a handle on hus kid and he should by thus point. I don't understand why he doesn't. If she has some kind of mental issues I get that. But if not I'd be telling my dh he has such amount of time to get it together and put our relationship first or I'm gone as it would tell me he doesn't love me enough or the way he should. Good luck

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Thu, 06/27/2013 - 6:53am

"I know SD15 will test the new boundaries/rules just to test her dad. He doesn't believe she will (of course) but I know different"

i think he still has his head in the sand here. what are you going to do when there's another freeze-out when you send his daughter back to juvie? when she attacks you and he DOESN'T protect you, what are you going to do? it's going to happen, you know it is. what's the plan then?

by the way, people will only treat you as good as you treat yourself. if you go into this situation KNOWING you could be injured, do you really expect someone else to protect you? better have a back-up plan.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Thu, 06/27/2013 - 7:19am

I personally would love to able to afford this option right now for the next year that SD17 is here. As it is she knows I have come to the end of the line and that next June she will need to vacate. I have made that plainly clear to my husband and SD17 is aware of it although she has not heard me say it because we dont speak and an oppurtunity hasnt presented itself yet but when the time comes I will tell her myself she is leaving.

Right now its like walking on egg shells and I am sure it will be for the next year.

But that is only a year I could so live apart for a year.

But you have what 3 years of longer given that BM is deceased. Your a hell of a woman, your husband is very very lucky

stepmom2011's picture

Submitted by stepmom2011 on Thu, 06/27/2013 - 7:08pm

Living apart has been very difficult. Not financially. I could stay in my own place for three more years if I choose to do so. Living apart is taking it's toll on my relationship with DH. I think he is lucky to have me too!

If he chooses to not keep his end of the bargain when SD15 misbehaves or harms me, then I will leave again. If he wants to freeze me out while saying everything is fine... then I will leave. If he isn't 100% committed to our marriage then I will leave. My backup plan includes my lawyer. I really hope he doesn't put me in that position. I really hopes he keeps his word. Just over lunch we were talking about our marriage and our future. That it will get harder before it gets better. BUT it will be wonderful in the end! It will be our time then... when the kids are gone.

We decided to move into another house. Ours is too big and we want to humble the entitled skids. I have never really felt that the house we got together was "mine". It is too big, and takes a lot of time and energy to maintain. I will rule this new house like the housewife I am! I will not hide in the bedroom! I will cook what I want and also cook what others like because I like to please my family.