A big, long, tired, vent; need to let it all out
I despise my SS. Everything from his hair to the toenails he chews off disgusts me. I hear his name and I am overcome with fury and disgust, and I can't mask it anymore.
He has finally gone to visit his BM for the summer, and I pray to the universe he will stay there. There is a palpable difference in the energy of the house now that he's gone. It's so much more peaceful and relaxing. My 15 month old is finally starting to sleep better; I'm certain it's because she senses my anxiety levels have dropped so significantly. My 3yr old has potty trained since SS left, after months of trying. It's no coincidence, I'm sure. SS made fun of him for using the potty seat and told BS3 it was disgusting. BS3 cried and ran to me and lost interest in that moment. Thanks SS.
The boy gives me the creeps. I don't know what I'll do if he comes back. I'm starting to feel shakey just thinking about it. If he weren't my husband's son, I wouldn't want him within 50 ft. of me our my kids; as it is, I am expected to trust him and love him as my own. I don't and I never will. He ruined any possibility of either years ago.
I'm starting to feel anger building toward my DH too. Not only for the way he dropped his kid on our family full time without consulting me, but for how he's started acting since SS moved in. He's more angry than happy, more aggressive and domineering than I've ever known him to be. I never would have had children with him if I knew his son was going to move in with us full time, and I had every reason to believe he never would. But now I have two very impressionable kids to raise around a creepy, manipulative, mannerless, shiftless pig who thinks of no one but himself. He generally ignores the little ones unless there are others around to impress, then he's smothering them with hugs and kisses. I find it revolting (so does my husband). It's all for show. How are the little ones supposed to process this? My skin crawls when he goes near them, it makes me sick to my stomach watching him around them. He's not right in the head, and I don't want him near my kids. I can't help it.
I need to grow a pair and tell my husband all my thoughts face to face, but I'm not sure how to do it. I don't deal well with arguing, and I don't think there is any way to approach this without an argument ensuing.
I feel like I've been robbed of the opportunity to raise my kids in a happy, well-disciplined environment. I can't contain my disgust around SS, and I'm sure my little ones see it. I feel like my kids will never get to see the best of their father, and it angers me to no end. They won't get the best of me either since I struggle to stay positive in SS's presence. Frankly, he sucks the life out of me.
It has been obvious since very early on that SS was PAS'd against us, and I have no expectation that his feelings toward us will change. DH gets it on some level, but he really has some deep seeded hope that he can change him. He waffles on letting him stay with us, and I'm convinced his family plays a big part in it. DH was all set to let him move back in with his BM, then after talking to MIL had a change of heart. MIL and DH siblings have no clue what life is like with this 15yr old, and I feel like the most horrible person ever for feeling as I do from their guilting tactics. But I will not ignore my intuition on this kid to appease them, and I am done holding my tongue. Should they bring his staying with us up on their next visit, I am going to leave it all on the carpet. Should make for a lovely visit.
SS has no respect for DH and doesn't listen to him. He has no desire to change; he thinks we just need to accept him for who he is. Which would be fine, if he weren't so completely unacceptable. He was not raised by us; he was barely raised by his BM (neuropsych likened his upbringing to being raised in the wild, left to his own devices) and now we're expected to deal with his bullshit and fix him? With a 3 and 1 yr old in the house? I need to get over my fears, my ability to be guilted needs to stop, and I have somehow got to address this before it affects my marriage and kids any more deeply.
Society (and my dear inlaws) says I have to love this kid. I tried. For years. Was met with nothing but hostility and disrespect. If i cooked something, he'd make himself puke it up. If I tried to hug him, he'd recoil and glare at me. Every act of kindness was met with a scowl and whining. I'm tired of feeling guity for not loving someone who could care less if I ceased to exist. I'm tired of being told to "be the adult" and "be the better person". I'm tired of DH waffling and refusing to deal with reality where his son is concerned. It's as bad as dealing with my mom and my brother, and I've been dealing with that for more than half my life. I wrote my brother out of my life a few years ago, but I can't write off my SS. Every day around him is like rehashing a never ending manipulation with my brother, and no one will ever get how impossible it is for me to live that way, except for my mom.
This really is a disjointed rant, but I'm trying to get as much anger out on paper as possible while also watching the wee ones. Thank you, StepTalk and all members for being here and for making this a safe place to spill it all when needed; I really have nowhere else to go.
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This said it all for me:
This said it all for me: Every act of kindness was met with a scowl and whining. I'm tired of feeling guilty for not loving someone who could care less if I ceased to exist. I'm tired of being told to "be the adult" and "be the better person". I'm tired of DH waffling and refusing to deal with reality where his son is concerned.
When I came to that realization, is when I disengaged. Which is not solving the problem, but choosing to leave the problem for DH whenever possible, it doesn't change the simple fact that my SS is in the house 50% of the time any given week and neither of us like it.
I was thinking today how tall my BD9 has gotten, and how it won't be long before SS8 is as tall as me if not taller and you know what I felt, fear. I wonder if DH knows that I fear his son, the kid is 8, mean, rude, spiteful, a thief, and he is only 9 - I fear each year he grows bigger and older and hold resentment that someday I may have to choose to leave my home because of this child that DH nor BM want to parent.
I completely understand your blog. SS8 and SD13 went to BMs for an extended weekend so she could take them on a trip - its a rare thing that we have more than 48 hours skid free any time of the year, for the last 4 days, the skids haven't been here and the atmosphere has changed completely, my BDs, DH and myself have had more laughs, more relaxation and more general happiness than I have seen in months.
To top it off, one of my chief complaints about DH is how late he comes home from work any given day - do you think its a coincidence that he has left not only on time but a little early from work for the last 5 days and walked in the door at what I'd consider early hours?? I think not either. Makes me sad.
You know, now that you
You know, now that you mention it, DH has been coming home earlier here too. Interesting, isn't it? I'm with you on the disengaging. As soon as I read about it on this site, it was like having an epiphany--my first thought was, "Wow, I'm not the only one who feels this way". My second thought was, "I can do this???? Awesome!!!!" That was when I left everything SS related on DH plate. He wasn't very happy. "Yeah, he's my son, I GET that. I'll take care of him." Yes, you will. It was a real eye opener for him.
My DH has referred to his son as a "cancer in the house". Yet, he still wants him here. I get that he really wants to change his kid and give him the best opportunities in life that he can, but SS15 doesn't want to change and doesn't care about any opportunities that involve effort. Just when he says something to make me think he really sees the impact SS has had on our lives, he digs in his heelsand jumps on the denial train. He actually was surprised when he suggested SS take our 3 yr old to the movies on his own and I said hell no. No? No. I don't trust SS to brush his teeth, you think I trust him out of my sight with our 3 yr old? Good God man!
Congratulations on your skid free days! Breathe in deep, exhale and enjoy it
Oh this DTZY!! He forgot that
Oh this DTZY!!
He forgot that I have
That same choice as a step parent too. I don't and won't participate.
I often wonder why DH expects me to participate when he doesn't and he doesn't require BM to participate. I find it very very unfair of him to assume I should do more for HIS kids than him or BM have to do.
The change of atmosphere in
The change of atmosphere in my home is astounding anytime
he's not around. Everyone feels it, including DH, but he can't dare to believe it's because of HIS
SON, not other people.
Amen sista!
About a month ago, after a nasty, explosive argument with his son set him off, he blew up on the 3 yr old, slammed a book to the floor, cursed loudly and went to our bedroom. Both little ones were crying, so I got them out of the house and took them for a walk. DH eventually came to find us, acting like nothing happened. I said, "You know, all you have to do is enforce the custody agreement, and he'll be back with his mom and out of our house". "No," he says, "I want to give him another chance". Waffling, it never ends.
The thing is, every time SS leaves, he instantly becomes the wonderful, sweet, delight of a son DH wishes he was. It's all in his head, and it drives me mad. No bad deed is recalled, no behavior is unacceptable, he's a great kid, and I'm an immature bitch for suggesting otherwise. UGH indeed!
Been there, done that. In
Been there, done that. In fact I could have written the thing almost word for word except my other children are 15, 14, and 11. SS is 15. I've known him since he was 1. His behavior has been an issue since about age 4 or 5. I tried and tried and freaking tried for YEARS to help this child-and in fact did feel like I loved him when he was younger, but his behavior and actions over the years have certainly killed all of that. At this point my only mission related to him is to keep him as far away as possible from me and mine. I no longer have any contact nor any relationship with him. Our last ditch effort occurred about a year and half ago after we let him move in with us-(he had lived with us for many years previously but had been with bm the last 3 or 4 due to dh's deployment and subsequent injury). Bm finally kicked him out for growing weed in her front yard at age 13. He only lasted 4 months with us. He is very clearly antisocial and has no conscience whatsoever. Rules of the household, nor socieity in general apply to him in his opinion. He will hurt anyone that stands in the way of something he may want-and his want could be as simple as piece of candy-but he will take you down if you try to stop him.
This kid has stolen my undergarments over 100 times over the years, last year he stole my daughters undergarments, he has pressed himself against my daughter while she is sleeping, he has threatened, with a detailed plan, to murder my son. He knows no boundaries-if you do not lock the bathroom door he will barge in on you-he will enter my bedroom while I'm dressing despite the fact that he knows it is off limits to be in my room at all. He steals money, clothes from family , peers, from places of business. He smokes weed, drinks, smokes cigarettes. He has been suspended from school probably 10 times. The last time was for 2 weeks for having drug paraphimilia in his locker. He is on probation. He gave his younger cousin one of his stimulant medications. He showed his penis (just last year) to all of his cousin who ranged in age from 15-9 both boys and girls. He has bloodied my sons nose and busted his lip (all that he claims later are accidents)-he has pushed my daughter off the trampoline almost breaking her arm-again claimed it was an accident until a year later I heard him reminding her of it and stating that it was purposeful and that he better do as he said or he'd do it again and really would break her arm.
He is completely crazy and dangerous. Enough was enough. Almost one year to this day I told dh he had to go-he was gone the next day. Because even dh was aware the chaos it created in our family and the risk it put everyone at. Even when he wasnt doing something crazy and dangerous, his normal demeanor was just to be a total asshole to everyone that crossed his path. My other children hid in their rooms or arranged to be gone all the time, my dh disengaged himself and hid in his shed. He now lives with my inlaws who just also thought I was a mean bitch for not loving this sweet little boy. They can think I'm a bithc all day long. I hope they enjoy him!
Thank goodness you are
Thank goodness you are finally free of the wretch! What a nightmare. I would have done exactly the same in your position, and will if if anything even close comes up. It's not quite ultimatum time, but it's very close.
Right now, my SS is more of a lurker, he just stands and stares, lingers just a little too long, touches people in creepy ways because he thinks it's funny. He says alot of people call him a stalker; his dad told him, well, that's how you act. People don't like that.
Your inlaws getting custody is such beautiful karma. My MIL has offered to care for SS15 since he was 4, but oddly enough, when my husband asked her if she might take him now, she's too old for a teenager. Ha ha ha, whatever. DH family thinks he's just a normal screwed up teen, and DH buys into that line sometimes. He forgets that normal teens don't get committed to mental institutions or end up in juvi court, or have docs recommend they get placed in treatment foster care or a group home setting. So frustrating.
Thanks StepAside, you are
Thanks StepAside, you are right.
I feel I have to speak up when husband won't because I want to make sure my children know it's not okay to be disrespectful or call their father anything but Dad/Daddy. But if he says nothing, what kind of lesson is that? And my inlaws, well, they can have their expectations, and I can continue to be Christmas family conversation fodder because I will never meet them. Their expectations are not reasonable, and, as a wise person once said, what other people think of me is not my business.
It's sad, but I sometimes don't even feel connected to my husband anymore. I've seen a side of him I never expected to see when his son moved in full time, and now I feel like I don't know anything about the man I married.
Like you said, I need to learn to control what I can and not let the rest eat away at me.