BM and DH hosting SD's birthday party at MY HOUSE
A few weeks ago, oldest SD mentioned that she wanted to have a pool party for her birthday at the end of June (we have a pool). She said at the time that her mom would want to come b/c her mom is a lifeguard and she would want to ensure that all the kids were safe. DH pointed out that both he and I also used to be lifeguards and that everyone swimming would be just fine. Later he said no way in hell did he want BM there. I said it was a tough call, because I am also a BM and I would want to be at my kids' parties. I did say, however, that when we do my kids b-day parties, we have it at a neutral location.
Well, last night DH said "is it still okay with you if BM comes to the party?". I was like, "I thought you didn't want her to come" - "yeah, she really wants to", was his explanation for his change of heart.
He let me read through their texts to each other on the subject and it became clear that she already told SD that she would be coming AND supplying the cake, decorations and food. Hahahahaahaha - at a house that I pay for!!
So, great, I can't say no now or I look like the big meanie. Thanks for setting that up, DH! We proceed to get into a HUGE fight about it. He goes off to read after and I lay in bed crying. He can clearly hear me from the living room and doesn't even come in to comfort me. This is a man who was trying to have sex with me just that morning and can't even be bothered to comfort his WIFE?!?!
And what's up with BM?!?! She's writing out invitations inviting 8 12 year olds to MY FUCKING HOUSE. "Dear sarah, please come to a party at blending2012's house." Does she have NO SHAME?!?!?! What, is she going to grab the kids sodas from MY fridge like she lives there!?!?!
At this point, I don't even know if I should be at the house that day. I know that if I stay I will have to watch her parade around MY HOUSE, but if I don't it will be easier for her to pretend that she's the actual hostess.
Normally, I could busy myself with the other 4 kids but my 2 sons will be with their dad that day and my 2 other steps will be with relatives to princess can have full reign.
I hope this bitch wears a bathing suit to the party and embarrasses the ever-loving shit out of SD.
As far as DH goes, my feelings for him continue to deteriorate. I don't even want to look at his face.
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Basically he cares about BM's
Basically he cares about BM's feelings, he cares about SD's feelings - but my feelings? Who gives a shit!?!?!
His mother, God-bless her, hates BM. No WAY would he allow BM to be there is his mum was there out of CONSIDERATION for his mother. And no way BM would ask to come if MIL was going to be there because BM is terrified of his mother. But she feels no problem asking to come when it's just little old me there b/c apparently I'm a fucking DOORMAT.
So stop being a doormat. Is
So stop being a doormat.
Is it Still ok if BM comes? No. It's not. It was never ok. And it's on DH to fix it. Stop worrying about being to "mean" one and worry about taking care of yourself since obviously no one else will. If BM wants to host the party and DH is going along with the joint idea, they need to find another venue.
Well, there you go, invite
Well, there you go, invite MIL!! }:) Problem solved!
I would LOVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEE
I would LOVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEE to, unfortunately she lives in a different country.
"I don't even want to look at
"I don't even want to look at his face."
I would feel the exact same way. What he's done and set you up for is disgusting. No way I would attend this party, as hard as it would be to let BM play house in my home. It sucks no matter what you choose, but I wouldn't give BM the satisfaction of seeing me angry.
Agree with Aeron. I was going
Agree with Aeron. I was going to say the same thing. Stop being a doormat.
I got over being perceived as "the mean bitch" a long time ago.
You don't make those boundries clear NOW its going to be hell.
nobody asked her to do jack
nobody asked her to do jack shit - she just is used to barreling in and taking over. Her new husband doesn't have kids or an ex-wife so she gets to have 2 men at her beck and call.
"there are plenty of pools nearby" - umm... YEP. The BM is the Aquatics Director at one! Hahahahahaha.
One of my friends suggested that I call BM beforehand and say, "just so you know, the person who lives at the house is the host - I expect you to mind your place as a guest." Hahaha can you IMAGINE how much DH would flip out on me if I did that?!?!!? Upset MOTY BM? I gasp!
^^^This^^^ I would NOT leave
^^^This^^^
I would NOT leave my home so that DH and BM can play house with their little princess. I would stay. I think it would irk her more if you were there than if you weren't. If you left she may just well think that you left because of her.
Wow!
Wow!
Great advice AnaR thank you!
Great advice AnaR thank you! Will DH stand up to BM though? Checks outside for pigs flying... NOPE.
Yet again, I agree
Yet again, I agree completely^^^
If she has to use the
If she has to use the restroom, there is a gas station down the street! }:)
BM has no business being
BM has no business being there and as hard as it may be, I'd suggest that you stand your ground with this one. DH is being insensitive towards you and that ain't right! Lifeguard or not, she is an EX for a reason and if you don't want her company..don't allow it. People like that will only run you over and they don't quit on their own. Sucks your in that situation to begin with, I would be furious at my DH if he tried to pull that.
I just want to THANK YOU ALL
I just want to THANK YOU ALL for letting me know that I am not crazy for having an issue with this. DH makes me feel like I'm so weirdo for getting so worked up about this. It's nice to hear that I am not alone in thinking him and his fat whore ex wife are totally delusional.
If he thinks you are a weirdo
If he thinks you are a weirdo for getting worked up, I would be tempted to invite an ex over. See how worked up HE gets!
100 times a day on this site,
100 times a day on this site, I can't believe the balls on some of these BMS! I would be very pissed off if I were you. It would hurt me not to be invited to my kids party but I certainly would never invite myself AND fill out invites AND offer to buy cake and BS. She needs to be put in HER place by SO or party needs to be canceled.
"trying" to have sex = he
"trying" to have sex = he asks for it and I tell him to go fuck himself. His lack of parenting of just one of his children and his obvious favoritism of her makes me want to be intimate with him just as much as I'd want to fuck a cheese grater.
^^ hahahaha probably. I don't
ya'll made me snort water out
ya'll made me snort water out my nose!!!!!!!!!!!!
WELL SAID...AND TELL HIM SO!
WELL SAID...AND TELL HIM SO!
What keeps running through my
What keeps running through my mind is...."COLD DAY IN HELL!!!"
I'm sorry for the heartache you are going through and that your DH is an ass.
First if I didn't want to
First if I didn't want to have the party at my house I would not . . .simple as that. I would not care what invitations got sent out or what plans had been made. Screw them!
Second I could not even imagine DH letting BM have this much control over OUR home. BM has never even been to our home so this would be out of the question.
your DH sounds dreamy. does
your DH sounds dreamy. does he have a brother? you mean he actually sets boundaries? I think I love him.
Honey he ain't perfect. . . I
Honey he ain't perfect. . . I ain't on this site for nothing. But I can say that he takes no shit from BM. My issue is SD13 and her weird ways. He's finally seeing the issues with her too . . .and it ain't all BM's fault. DH is very protective of our life together . . he knows BM better than anyone and I let him handle her.
I will keep it simple. You
I will keep it simple. You need to put your foot up both DH and BM butts. CANCEL CANcEL CANCEL....the party. How dare BM seen out invites with your address. If you let this happen, you will have resentment. BM will also feel she has full control of you.
Stand up for yourself...demanded to be respected. If you do not, no one else will.
Cancel the party and hang a
Cancel the party and hang a sign on the door that says, "Party has been moved to [insert BM's address]"
oh you mean BM's PARENTS'
oh you mean BM's PARENTS' house? Cuz that's where she lives with her unemployed husband. Gee, I wonder why SD didn't want to have the party there?!?!
I just had this same covo
I just had this same covo with DH last weekend over SD15.... STOP saying yes to shit BEFORE checking with me, that's bullshit! Because if I say no, and you already said yes, then I am the bad guy, so I feel forced to say yes and then I'm pissed because I feel like I'm the one bending over taking it up the ass as ALWAYS.
And STOP being so fucking concerned with everyone else's feelings and not mine! I told him he seriously has no problem pissing ME off (the one who loves him, treats him like a king, does every thing for him) to make asswipes that treat him like shit happy. WTF is wrong with this picture????
If my husband did this, I
If my husband did this, I would move out. If it was my house, I would tell him no. If he had a problem, he could find another place to live.
Set her up a nice 'lifeguard'
Set her up a nice 'lifeguard' station and thank her for offering to be the on-duty lifeguard at the party. That should keep her tied to a chair for the day.
Oh wow! You have choices. 1)
Oh wow!
You have choices. 1) Tell him the answer is no. She does not live there. She is not employed to run the party. No.
2) He bulldozes and guilts you. "OK so I will be filing divorce paperwork on Monday and also I have informed your mother. This is about who is more important ... BM or me? And who freaking pays the bills for this house?"
3) Honey, I know this is important to you. So I am giving you the house for the night so you can fuck her brains out for old times sake. Oh and I am filing for divorce on Monday AND I have already told your mother.
4) I know she was a lifeguard. But she will drown someone or crush their chest rather than save them these days
and the Final Solution.... Throw a bucket of chlorine in the pool and shock it so peoples skin will burn ... Ooops! So now he HAS to relocate the party. Add #4.
Your house. Your
Your house. Your rules.
Seriously, tell them no. No no no. Plans made? Cancel them. Invitations sent? They get to make the phone calls. Are you worried about looking bad?
The minute DH or BM tells any rational person "Well my wife/ex's new wife, wouldn't let us have it at her house," the rational person is going to be thinking, "Gee... I wonder why?
"
Ooooo... or schedule the pool
Ooooo... or schedule the pool to be drained and cleaned that day! }:)
Yuck. Just the thought of BM
Yuck. Just the thought of BM in my house playing 'Lady of the Manor' makes me want to burn the place down. This would definitely not be happening, my kids get two birthday parties. We throw one and if the other bio-parent wants to celebrate, it is on their own time! No freaking way would BM be in my pool or home hosting a party.
You are absolutely justified in being mad and in calling this whole party off.
Yup.
Yup.
This would never happen at my
This would never happen at my home (which is MY home that I own outright long before DH).
But if I were to be in a situation like this I would treat BM as the scullery maid and give her orders about what crap she needs to be cleaning up, etc.
The last time DH was in the
The last time DH was in the same room as BM, was at the hospital after SD had her baby and it was not pretty. The day he lets her come over to our house is the day that pigs fly, hell freezes over, and monkeys come out of my ass. I guarantee you, a monkey is never coming out of my ass.
I'd give DH 3 choices... 1.
I'd give DH 3 choices...
1. he change venues
2. BM does not come
3. your ex is invited as well
ALL of the exes.
ALL of the exes. }:)
I just found myself (a
I just found myself (a stepmom of 2) on this site.
I've read this and I just have a question because I'm part of a group of stepparents (support-ish type group).
I know it hurts, but shouldn't this be about the child?
Absolutley it should be about
Absolutley it should be about the child - as long as the child understands that her parents are divorced for a reason. A child does NOT get to pick where her party wil be held - unless he/she is paying for it. This is a matter for the parents to discuss amongst themselves only.
Divorced parents have to accept that their life styles are now completely different.
Two houses - two occasions - two separate parties.
By showing such blatant disrespect for SM - this BM and DH are only succeeding in building THEIR relationship - not strengthening the new relationship of DH and his new partner - a sure fire recipe for divorce.
Once parents accept this - kids will adapt easier and will not have so many confusing issues with mixed messages.
Trying to cater to every whim of a child and molly coddling them is only teaching them how to be entitled and spoilt. And NOBODY likes a spilt kid/adult.
Sorry. I didn't realize
Sorry. I didn't realize that StepMom came before Mom, Dad and the child.
My bad.
Look. When you buy into a relationship where the other party has kids with someone else you gotta do two things.
1. Accept that you are NEVER going to come before the kids. NEVER.
2. Know your place. You're not Mom or Dad. Never will be. And frankly if Dad and Mom want to present a united front and make THEIR child the focus of the child's birthday? DEAL WITH IT.
Cheese and rice.
And I'm a stepmom, too! I'm not their Mama. I never will be. But I recognize and acknowledge my place.
I know my place. I am my
I know my place.
I am my husbands wife. His partner, emotionally, financially, spiritually and mentally.
Please notice that word: Partner
That means I stand equal to him.
I am his number one consideration and priority as he is mine.
The children are our number one responsibility.
See the difference?
That is a health marriage and family unit.
Put the kids 'first' all the time? You end up with entitled spoiled brats who are incapable of dealing with any negativity in life. The kids will manipulate all parents (bio and step) to see who is going to get them MORE or BETTER stuff.
Of course their NEEDS come before my WANTS.
Just as my NEEDS come before their WANTS.
And yes, my WANTS come before their WANTS.
As a balance, since I am a parent, the childs NEED would come before my NEED.
The tricky part is: making a firm definition of NEED.
In this situation the child does not NEED both parents at her party. She WANTS both parents there.
The stepmother NEEDS her husbands respect for her personal space- in this case her home. There is no reason why she should have to deal with an ex in her house.
And frankly saying "No" is alot nicer than what I did.
Last time the BM in my life invited herself into my home: I had her ass arrested.
^^^This!!!! Once again you
^^^This!!!! Once again you are my hero.
SOrry but there is no way in hell that BM would be at the house I paid for hosting a party with her and my DH as hosts. The kid can pound sand!
With that being said I am a BM too and I would NEVER suggest this scenario unless I wanted to:
1. annoy my exh's new wife
2. put the new wife down a peg or two and show her I was the boss here.
This situation has NOTHING to do with the kid and EVERYTHING to do with BM trying to pull a fast one.
Your BM, SKs and husband must
Your BM, SKs and husband must all love you. The daddy was lucky enough to find a woman so desperate for a man, that she will happily lay down and let everyone walk all over her.
I'm a BM and a SM. There's no way in hell I would have tried to do what the OP's BM is doing. The crazy BM I have to deal with know I will beat the breaks off of her if she dares to step into my home.
The other BM and I get along just fine. She wouldn't even considered doing this without speaking to me first.
HELL TO THE FUCKING
HELL TO THE FUCKING NO!!!!
I'm sorry to yell this - but I went through similar shit last year.
Before I came along - ALL parties, were celebrated at BM's house with DH there to BBQ, entertain and socialise. When it came to SD's birthday - it happened to fall on DH's weekend. She didn't want me there - so naturally, what princess wanted - she got. I wasn't invited. They had a BBQ where he cooked all her faves and just spoilt her rotten. Following weekend - big birthday party at BM's house. DH told me he was going, with or without me. I was shattered to say the least. We ended breaking up.
After convincing me to try again, I made it crystal clear to him that he will NEVER treat me that way again. He's finally come around and is setting things straight, with lots of argument from BM and SD. He stands up for our relationship and is very protective of me now.
SD will be turning 13 this year. DH and I have moved into a home with a pool. I have a very, very strong feeling she's gonna start begging to have a pool party at our house. That will happen over my friggin' dead body. I will drop piranhas into the goddamn pool if I thought it was gonna happen.
As luck would have it, we have her for the weekend of her birthday - but guess what? She's gonna get taken to dinner by DH and I - and that's it. BM can rock her house down partying her brains out with SD - I really don't give two fucks 'cos we ain't gonna be there.
So - put your foot down now! Do NOT let them get away with this!
Damn, they might as well have never divorced if they wanna continue to play at living in happy family fantasy land.
It's likely going to horrify
It's likely going to horrify some people, but I've known of blended families actually - GASP - getting together as a whole unit and celebrating Mother's Day. Together. I know, I know - the HORROR!
I get it. I really do.
But these families put the stupid stuff aside and focused on the kids. Imagine that.
Cutiestocks.... with all due
Cutiestocks.... with all due respect (and lets face it we ALL know what it means when someone says that to us) along with - no offence honey (we all know that one too)
So, Cutiestocks, with all due respect, and no offence (LMAO) you obviously have no idea. You MAY be a step parent. But if you were actually dealing with some of the shit most of us on this VENTING sight were dealing with you would GET why this is an issue, and not be here a sparkly brand new member preaching to us to allow BM into our lives, to take control of our homes - because she and the skids come first.
NO MATTER WHAT apparently.
Fuck that honey.
BM does not get to enter MY house, she does not get to have a say about what goes on in MY home, in my relationship with MY SO, and in my relationship with the SKIDS. Yes, they are her bio children. Trust me I know that, I don't ever want to claim any parental responsibility for them - if they were mine they would be generally better behaved, more respectable and responsible.
BM does not get to ride her crazy train through my life whenever she fancies just because she spewed out a couple of brats.
If the skid wants a party at MY house, her father and *I* are the host and hostess. IF BM is a decent respectable human being she would attend as a guest (my ex, his fiancé, SO and I all get along well enough for this scenario to play out well) BM on the other hand? Not a chance.
What you suggest is all very sweet and brady bunch, unfortunately, most step situations (especially for those of us on this site) are not the brady bunch stereotype where everyone knows there place and gets along.
Are you seriously trying to tell us you would be ok with your skids mother basically taking over YOUR home to host a party in? Surely the right thing to do would be for her to be present as a guest? NOt to take it upon herself to invite people to YOUR home, tell YOU what she will be doing for a party at YOUR home?
It's about boundaries and respect, and in this case the HUSBAND and the BM are showing the lady of the house NONE. And that is NOT ok.
Especially when what that teaches the child is that SM is irrelevant, that Dad and Mum are the team, gives the kid false hope, allows the kid to disrespect the SM. SO many things are wrong with the messages a child would be getting in this situation.
You are very naïve cutiestocks.