Why waiting to meet the kids is wrong
I know most people say wait six months to a year before introducing your kids to someone you are dating, but I think that is the worst advice in the world and part of the reason why so many blended families fail.
It usually takes a few months for a person to fall in love with someone. So if you wait six months to meet the kids it’s too late. You've already fallen in love with the parent and want the relationship to work so you turn a blind eye to any problems that may exist with the kids. If you meet the kids before you have developed any strong feelings for the father, you can view the situation more logically.
I made this mistake. I waited a year before meeting the son of a man I dated. When I finally did meet his son, I saw that he was spoiled, didn't do anything he was told to do, and thought he was on the level of an adult. But I was already so far into love with his father, I lied to myself. We could work it out, maybe it won't be so bad, I told myself. Love made me blind to all the red flags that were popping up. The relationship continued for another year before I wound up breaking up with the man. The main reason was because of his son's behavior and dad not wanting to parent his son. I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache had I met the son before I had become emtionally attached to the dad.
You’ll hear it said, my kids and I are a package deal. Well, how can you know if you want to be with this person when you’ve only gotten to know one part of the package? I think the best thing to do is meet the kids once you start to feel there could be a future with this person, but before you develop strong feelings for this person. This should be around the third or fourth date mark.
To protect the kids from any emotional turmoil precautions can be taken. You should not be introduced as “daddy’s girlfriend” and there should be no PDA around the kids. The parent should simply introduce you as a friend. Engage in family friendly activities such as going to the playground, fishing or picnics.
Give yourself time to get to know the kids and see how the parent interacts with them. You should spend almost as much time with the kids as you do with the parent. After all, if the relationship is going to progress, eventually you are probably going to spend almost as much time with the children as you do the person you are dating. So you need to get to know the kids soon, before you become emotionally attached to the parent.
Because emotions are not clouding your thinking, you can view the situation more rationally and make a better decision as to whether or not you feel the relationship will work or not. So I don't agree with all the "experts". The best thing is not to wait a long time before meeting the kids of someone you are dating.
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Comments
I always thought I'd wait at
I always thought I'd wait at LEAST a year until SO met kids...but the truth is - I started feeling like 'I need to know that this guy can handle kids. And how he responds to them.' So we introduced as friends, etc. It was fine after 10 weeks or so. My kids love SO.
You're right, this doesn't
You're right, this doesn't apply just for people dating someone with kids, but also applies to divorced parents who are starting to date again. After my experience with my exBF, I waited two months and then introduced the guy I was dating to my kids. Like you, Hungry eyes, I wanted him to see what he was getting into. Fortunately my kids are well behaved so he loves them.
I have also heard you should
I have also heard you should not introduce kids to your future SO until it is almost a done deal. As in "This is Margaret. We love each other and marrying in a month." The theory behind this is so kids are not exposeed to s procession of women/men who sleep with the parent or kids grow attached to people who leave their lives..
I believe as adults we SHOULD hold back on PDAs until things are more permenent. It also sets an example for the kids to follow. Is it appropriate to hang off each other all the time and indulge in affectionate kisses that would get an R13 rating in the movies? Well YOU may feel so but consider that the kids see this as a future model of behaviour.
So meeting 'This is Margaret. I think she is nice and makes stupid jokes. DON'T encourage her to start telling jokes!"
"Hey Sam! Come and meet my kids... kids this is Sam. He works with your aunt Judy."
I do not think being in love with someone makes it harder to break up because of their slack attitude to parenting. I find lazy parenting a HUGE turnoff. But then i agree that you do not see the whole picture and everyone knows when we first start dating we are on our best bahviour.
I understand the theory
I understand the theory behind why the "experts" say don't introduce the kids so quickly, to protect the kids from becoming attached to a parade of people. And that's why it's good to introduce someone you're dating as a friend and hold off on the PDA until later.
But when you think about, people you are dating aren't the only ones that your kids will grow attached to in their lives. I had a really good friend for seven years that I've had to stop contact with because her friendship was so toxic. My girls were very attached to her, but I had to stop the friendship for my own well being.
I agree that it does more
I agree that it does more harm than good to wait too long before introducing someone who is important. A relationship grows with time, if everyone has the opportunity to grow togehter many of the things we resent could be avoided. A year or six months down the road and a kid is walking into a full fledge developed relatioship and of course they feel excluded, and excluded from an important part of their parent's life.
Very well said!!! I never had
Very well said!!!
I never had to think about it bc I met my Skids before meeting their dad. Wish more people could read this post when they are entering a relationship with kids already involved.
I really dodged a bullet when
I really dodged a bullet when I was younger. I dated a man for about a year very seriously. I never came close to meeting his daughter. I decided at my young age (about 21) that I didn't want to marry a man with a child. period.
He had a 9 year old daughter that did not live with him. Can you imagine the nightmare life that could have been? I really pretty much never thought about the kid - out of sight, out of mind. That would have so changed with marriage.
Yes, afraid you're right
Yes, afraid you're right about that. I've heard of the one extreme, mothers having their kids call their boyfriend of just two weeks daddy! SMH.
I think it's a no win
I think it's a no win situation. If you wait to introduce them until the relationship is secure, you run the risk that you are already in too deep emotionally to walk away. If you introduce them too soon your children may witness relationships that never go anywhere, and you may find that there is a false honeymoon when everyone is on their best behaviour and get a misleading impression of how things would be. Honestly I cannot see myself having another partner if I got divorced, the potential conflict and tension and trying to balance everybody's needs just seems way more stressful and depressing and exhausting than just being on your own until the kids are grown.
The parent may be on his best
The parent may be on his best behavior during the honeymoon stage - but I bet his kids won't be. Kids usually don't put on an act. If they're brats, you'll see that pretty quick. If a kid is used to getting his own way, he's not going to think, oh, let me behave so I can impress this lady that daddy's trying to impress.
But I disagree that parents should sacrifice their own happiness and become celibate martyrs just because there's a chance a blended family might have problems. Kids are only with you for 18 years, your SO is with you for the rest of your life. Kids grow up and move out, it's your SO that stays.
The only reason conflict and tension would happen is if the person you are dating does not like your kids. And if he doesn't like your kids, it's most likely because they are brats and that's the parent's issue. If your kids are angels and he still doesn't like them, then you shouldn't be with someone like that anyway.