Wish SO would stop stirring the pot of SS' resentment

Going on our date tonight, and in front of SS, SO asked me if I want to see a movie. That prompted an immediate huge scowl of resentment from SS16. SO then does the usual defense talk about what? we have a right to go on a date!

SO and I have so much time alone with each other, and he waits until SS is in the room to talk about this.

SO did this a few weeks ago when for the first time he announced at the dinner table with SS right there, he wanted the two of us to go to Jamaica for Christmas. SS will supposedly be with BM this Christmas. Later, I told SO he probably shouldn't mention trips like this in front of SS because if BM finds out she will most certainly do everything she can to ruin our trip. Not to mention this just creates more resentment on the part of SS.

Boy did that cause a huge blow up. SO chewed my ass out big time. Why do I have to ruin everything, every happy moment or dream and what, now we have to have secrets around here!! I stood up for myself, though and didn't take his crap. Eventually after I sobbed for an hour he apologized and told me I was right, he was angry about something else.

But really, does SO absolutely have to have these discussions in front of SS. SS16 has no life, he's lonely, bored, and believes his dad should make up for his lack of a social life. And SS hates that I come between him and his dad. I just don't get it.

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I'm sorry, but WHAT? Um, I

I'm sorry, but WHAT?

Um, I think you have it pretty good that your DH ISN'T afraid to mention these things in front of his kid. I can't wrap my head around the fact that you believe it's inappropriate for your DH to ask you out on a date in front of children--the trip, I can sort of get because if it gives BM the chance you mess you guys up, I probably wouldn't either. But a date? Because it might hurt your SS's feelings?

But sooner or later your SS will need to grow up and learn to deal with his inappropriate responses to his dad's marriage. You trying to tip toe around it will only further the rage as he gets older. I think the fact that your DH treats your family as normal, not being afraid to mention trips or dates between the two of you is amazing--there are women on here who would kill for their DH to not care, because he shouldn't. And neither should you.

Your SS's behavior is not normal but if you seek to normalize it by catering to his feelings, he will never grow up, and it will be sad for both him and your family because it WILL become an emotional disability. I actually feel bad for your Dh, he's not a Disney Dad yet you seem to be attempting to turn him into one. To put his kid's irrational responses above everyone else. I know you think this is keeping the peace and being nice, but it will only hurt your SS in the long run.

Do you get upset when your parents go on a trip without you? Even when you were a kid? I know neither me or my sister did. Adults had their own lives, the people we love have their own lives that they should be able to live regardless of your approval or not, and this is a lesson that needs to be learned. Can you imagine what kind of person would turn out if they never learned that?

This is just IMHO and from what I've seen happen here.

I disagree not2sure. I guess

I disagree not2sure. I guess you had to be there. SS doesn't always have a problem with us going out. He's happy because he gets his Papa Johns and unlimited xbox time. But it's the way SO brought this up, the effect was kind of rubbing it in SS' face that he's a loser with no girlfriend and no life. Hard to explain. No sense in aggravating an already sullen grouchy moody teenage boy unnecessarily. This is not the end of the world, but I would prefer SO not make a habit of this.

SS will never grow up, period, not until he gets his own girlfriend and his own life, which will probably not happen until he's 40. SS16 is a 10 year old in a 16 year old body. He is beyond awkward, and he's not going to get professional help. Already been down that road. He will be emotionally disabled forever. There is nothing I can do about this other than pray he moves out after he graduates.

I'm just dealing with the reality of my situation. This is my world and when push comes to shove, if SS wants to drive a wedge between us he will. SS is very passive and manipulative like his mom and his dad will not see it coming. And yes, SO is only about 20% a disney dad. Which is why I stay with him. And I'm not just lucky to have him, I deliberately decided to commit to him because he actually does have some expectations for his son. I couldn't tolerate another disney dad, been there.

You're basing your comment on the premise of an ideal world where we find DH's with well adjusted kids who act their age. In that world, of course it's okay to to talk about going to see a movie without the kids and in front of them. But I have yet to meet a man with kids like this. I know they exist, just not much on this site.

And I do think SO should have asked me privately about a Christmas trip, at least initially. It's really not SS' business until we iron out the details and the dream trip becomes a reality. There's no certainty we'll actually go on this trip--that I really can't afford. It's nice SO thinks of things like romantic (but expensive) couple's trips. I do appreciate the good things about our relationship, but I also know not to poke the bear.

If what you say about the

If what you say about the tone is true, then you are right, it would be something that I would have to be there to "get" if he was indeed rubbing it in his son's face. I just know neither I nor my DH would be okay with not being able to ask for a date in front of children, step or not, no matter how many tantrums the kid would throw. Obviously I would not be okay with it if he was doing it on purpose to hurt or make a point.

I agree about the vacation though, as I do not like having the sleeping tiger poked either. However, I think we only give them power to ruin the trip if we allow it--originally we were going to be all hush hush about our wedding and honeymoons but then inthe end it was like, eff this, we are not going to live in fear of what BM might or might not do because then we would be prisoners of our own making.

I know my DH would not tell SS anything if he came to visit us in the future because he thinks our life is none of BM's business, and that's a bit sad because then SS is always forever going to be an outsider but I know what you mean by it's the reality of your situation.

Yes, it's hard to convey the

Yes, it's hard to convey the tone through my comment so I can see how I sound like an ingrate. And I don't think SO deliberately wanted to make SS feel bad, but SO tends to overshare things, especially with SS. SO's a little more impulsive than I am. I'm a planner, I deliberate, proceed with caution.

Formygirl, you may be on to

Formygirl, you may be on to something. There's just something in my gut that bothered me about the way SO brought up these topics in front of SS. Couldn't put my finger on it, I almost suspected he was doing it deliberately. SO would love to show up BM, who doesn't want SS for the full 6 weeks because she's going to Hawaii for 2 weeks with her new family and new baby boy, no room for SS. SO absolutely hates her, understandably. But I couldn't figure out why SO would rub all this in SS' face knowing how SS is about us having fun together. That might be a reason for bringing up the Jamaica trip...hmmm.

I'm a very private person, so for me, the fewer people who know about our business, the better.

BM has no room for SS in her

BM has no room for SS in her life because he betrayed her by choosing to live with his dad full time. And because he's no longer useful to her. She has a new anchor baby with her new husband and only needs SS long enough to visit grandparents to keep them happy. I suspect BM's parents subsidize her contingent on getting to see the Grandkids. Just a guess.

And I know she doesn't want to pay for his ticket to Hawaii. That's probably the biggest reason.