I'm done. No more. Screw this "thankless job" &^%$ It!

I've always known that being a step parent was a choice. A "thankless job" as some people say. I've always known that I have no "rights" but fuckin eh, I'm tired of it!!!

I'm tired of taking SD11 to therapy and feeling like I'm being judged when the counselor comes out to the waiting room to take SD back to her office. I'm tired of doing all the dirty work with zero appreciation. I know many women and some men on this site are all too familiar with what I'm complaining about. I know. But still, it hurts and I'm tired of it!!!

SD has been in counseling awhile now..DH is unable to take her because we works all day. There were two weeks when the scheduling worked out and they could see SD at 6PM and DH was able to take her. Good, I'm glad he got to take her and the counselor filled him in on a few things we didn't know. But, when I take her, the counselor refuses to fill me in on anything that might be going on with SD. I barely get a "hello" from this bitch, it's like dealing with a grown version of SD11!!! I know legally the counselor probably can't tell me anything because as we alllll know...Step Parents are just baby sitters..strangers..NOT parents! But..what happens if DH is unable to take SD to counseling due to work?! Would he not get to know whats going on with his daughter? Would they give him a ring? Write a letter?! I know I can't be the only person out there in this same situation!!! Yes..there are legal issues..But Damn It! I'm tired of it! I'm the one that is with this child most of the day..If anyone would know what was going on, it would be me. What if SD was dissecting small animals on her free time..Would the counselor fill me in then?!?! Most Likely NOT!

I brought it up to DH last night..it caused a bit of an argument. He told me don't take it personal...Yeah, walk in my shoes for a while and then come say that stupid shit to me. He did understand where I was coming from after a while. Maybe the counselor doesn't tell me anything because I might be ( thought of as) the problem with SD. If that IS the case, then the counselor could talk to both me and SD and talk about it!!! I HIGHLY doubt the issues with this child are MY fault. It's not MY fault shes fucked up like BM!

I'm just really tired of being looked at as just "LaMareOssa." Just a baby sitter. I deserve to be treated with more respect than I get. I have already pretty much disengaged from SD11. We don't speak much. (I'm done trying) I have tried my hardest to be there for SD, to be a good step mother and friend, I'm done. DH and I have two children together, DD6 and DS3..They are wonderful, happy, healthy, and intelligent children, so I know I'm a good parent. What happened to SD is not my fault. I will continue to take her to counseling and pick her up from school..Only because it's impossible for DH to do so himself. I will do this to help my husband.

I regret ever wishing DH would get full custody. I know it might be better for SD in the long run, but right now..it's awful for my family. SD is a very mean, spiteful, resentful, and very angry little girl.

LaMareOssa's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

I can understand your

I can understand your frustration. Even if you are custodial, a SM is less than nothing in most people's eyes. Including the bio parents and the skids themselves.

Your DH, I believe, might be able to sign some HIPAA paperwork that might allow for the counselor to talk to you regarding SD things. He might want to call them and ask. It can't hurt.

And I am very much a proponent of people being able to defend themselves against accusations that might NOT be completely true!

DH said he was going to speak

DH said he was going to speak to the counselor about informing me on things, but honestly, I hope he gets a schedule worked out with the place so they can have evening sessions with DH

Her mother isn't allowed to

Her mother isn't allowed to be around any of her children (her parents have full custody of BM's other 2 kids) without supervision from a professional. BM is..well..simple terms...completely bat shit crazy!

She still has her rights. She

She still has her rights. She has supervised visits EOW. Honestly..I don't want to adopt SD. I know that sounds bad. :O

DO NOT ever feel bad that you

DO NOT ever feel bad that you wouldn't want to adopt her.

I'd NEVER EVER adopt mine, even if their mother died. NOPE. NOT MY KIDS.

Oh, that doesn't sound bad,

Oh, that doesn't sound bad, and don't feel bad about feeling that way either! My SD9 frickin loves me, but there's no way in HELL I'd ever adopt her. She's really annoying, and has zero common sense. I'm not even trying to be funny when I say that when it comes to common sense SD would probably test in the "special needs" range. Even DH commented to me once that he thought SD was stupid when it comes to common sense...he felt bad saying it, but it had been a rough day and we were both frickin over it. So yeah, not my kid, no way would I ever adopt her.

If they refuse to consider

If they refuse to consider you someone who can be informed, then simply inform them that SD will return when her father can bring her.... period.

I know exactly what you are talking about... SS7 went to be evaluated with a therapist, at MY recommendation followed by the school asking for his eval. BM got paperwork to fill out, DH got paperwork to fill out, the TEACHER got paperwork to fill out - but not the SM - the person who next to the teacher spent more hours a week with the child... I was excluded, from everything, from being asked my inputs to meeting with the counselor to being invited to the phone calls to discuss... the damn TEACHER got more involvement and consideration than I did.

Lets just say, if I wasn't disengaged due to things like that before, I definitely took another huge massive step back from all of it.

Exactly. Counseling was MY

Exactly. Counseling was MY idea. I am the one who set up the initial appointments. I am the one who figured out ALL the insurance crap to make ALL this shit possible. But..I'm no one.

SD had lied, lied, lied about

SD had lied, lied, lied about me and our household.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Same here and now BM is going to be taking her right back to the same therapist!

"I regret ever wishing DH

"I regret ever wishing DH would get full custody. I know it might be better for SD in the long run, but right now..it's awful for my family. SD is a very mean, spiteful, resentful, and very angry little girl."

I say the same thing every day so I am with you all the way with this. I am such a bitch that when I disengaged I removed counseling from SD since A) she lied the whole time DH refused to take the counselors suggestions and to this day will not agree that an man highly educated in his field is right and he is wrong. C) she is on my benefits, when I walk away I take unessential counseloring appt with me.

That resolved that issue.

bow out of this and let him deal with his kid if counselor cant see her when he is avail then he needs to find a new counselor

I agree with the other

I agree with the other posters - if you can't be included and/or informed on what's going on, I'd just back off and let DH figure out a way to get her to the appointments or find another counselor who has a more flexible schedule so DH can take her. Depending on how far along the skid has got in counseling, you should have at least been allowed to speak with the counselor.

I have been exactly where you

I have been exactly where you are. SD was a little older, but yes, I was the one who pushed for counselling, found a counsellor, did 90% of the taxiing with 2 small children in tow, and ended up deeply frustrated when the counsellor told us virtually nothing and appeared to treat SD then 14 as a virtual adult in terms of confidentiality, despite the fact that she was a minor. With hindsight we should have pushed harder and found another counsellor when SD was not making progress, and interviewed the counsellor first, but it's so hard when you have little experience of how this is supposed to work and DH had less of a clue than I did. We trusted the professional and she let us down. She just wasn't up to SD's level of neuroses and deceit.

A good counsellor should be proactively keeping the family informed of progress and issues, not working in complete isolation. SD made up stuff for the counsellor while failing to talk about her real problems. Because the counsellor made no effort to keep us in the loop these lies went undetected and were a complete red herring in terms of her therapy. Thus she developed a full blown eating disorder whilst IN therapy. I think family counselling is needed too to teach them how to function in a healthy family. SD was resistant and her counsellor did not have the wit or strategy to talk her round.

I completely understand how disheartening it is. I gave up in the end and disengaged but I still feel guilty about that decision. SD was a complete mess but I think our relationship was actually important to her on some level, and more important than her relationship with DH in terms of her inclination to live here. She lived with us for 2 years, 3 months after I disengaged she withdrew back to her mother's house.

I'm with you LaMareOssa. I

I'm with you LaMareOssa. I kick myself daily for helping DH get full custody of skid. The kid lies lies lies & lies to therapist. He steals. He manipulates just like his mother, disrespectful & naps for 2-6 hours a day. I don't like him. BM put us through hell. I wished I never said yes to him living with us. And my BD is sooo considerate, so good. I didn't have to do this to myself.

I feel your pain. Honestly

I feel your pain. Honestly and sincerely, I do. And I'm so sorry to hear it

I about had a heart attack

I about had a heart attack when DH approached me saying he wanted to go after full custody of stepdevil14 after she got busted having sex with a boy last year at BM's home. I told him I'd support him no matter what but also said that we would have set rules and consequences for her if she did live with us.

I'm glad he changed his mind because I honestly don't know if I could handle her living with us. Hell, I could barely handle when she'd come one weekend a month!

Good luck

SS is an admitted alcoholic and is very happy with it. He says that his grandfather was an alkie and lived to be "really old." In his early 70s which now that I am in my late 60s is not "really old".