The Up Grade
I know a lot of you on here consider yourself to be 'The Up Grade', but do you live up to the name? Or was the ex really so bad and anything would be an improvement?
I was just thinking about this last night after a busy week (so far) of cleaning house and planning a birthday party for SS7. Neither of which I minded doing because I currently don't work outside of the home and I know DH is super busy at work. Well DH called me last night to tell me that he wouldn't be coming home, it happens in his line of work once and awhile he has to stay in a hotel and with 50/50 EOW custody it happens maybe a handful of times a year when we have the sKids. It may be wrong but I find it easier to deal with the sKids than BM so I keep them all by myself no instead of calling BM to come get them like I did when we were just dating. He sounded nervous on the phone but I told him that we would manage, i think he was waiting for me to lay into him.
While I wouldn't want to be a single mom, especially to some one else's kids, it wasn't hard really. I made dinner, gave them both a bath and put them in bed at 7:30 (their usual bed time).
DH has the same job that he had while married to BM and based on conversation with DH, his family and even BM. I get the impression that had it been BM it would have been a major issue. BM has told he 'how hard it is to be with DH because of him being gone all the time'. Again it's a few nights a year, maybe a dozen tops. And 'what a handful the sKids can be'. But she doesn't take them any where, I take them every where and no I don't have any issue with them. She even said once that DH and I 'make it look easy'. It is easy if you work together and not fight with each other all the time about everything. she also told me that she hopes 'DH treats me better than he treated her.'
I finally broke down and told her once that I don't NEED DH, I WANT to be with him. I have and can make it on my own (which she never has, she moved in with her boyfriend - now husband - a month after the divorce). I have had my fair share of crappy relationships, DH is not one of them.
And I didn't say it but if DH treated BM even half as nice as he treats me then I don't know what the hell she was complaining about. He treats me like a goddess or princess (maybe because I appreciate it more). 
Yes, I cook, I clean, I take care of the kids, the house, our family. And no I don't bitch about it. BM doesn't cook, it's fast food or frozen dinners 90% of the time, She doesn't clean just sprays air fresher, she hires a baby sitter (during the divorce DH was the baby sitter) or takes sKids to her parents at least one night a week (especially weekends), even now that she only has them EOW. She did half-asses home repairs/improvements, most of which I have had to re-do because she rushed. She never liked to spend time with DH's family, they would attend family functions then leave as quickly as they could.
If that makes me "The Up Grade" then so be it, but seriously who the hell would have down graded from BM?
Maybe after dealing with the crazy Ex's out SO had a better idea of what they needed/wanted in a life partner.
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HA My signature definitely
HA My signature definitely calls me out as the upgrade.
I think every relationship is an upgrade, or should be, right? You learn from one person what you don't want and move on and find someone better.
In my case, and this sounds so bad that I feel guilty, I feel like I am an upgrade over BM. I told SO once, 'Why do you think I care about her or what she does at all? I am a 10. She is a 2. She doesn't even register on my radar.' I am smart, SANE, hard working, logical, and I support and love SO unconditionally unlike BM did. She makes dumb, impulsive decisions and puts herself above her kids. She martyrs herself and never takes responsibility for her actions. I'm a grown up. If I screw up - I admit it. I do not argue or have petty fights with SO. I say 'Let's talk. This is how this makes me feel. What can we do to fix this for both of us.'
I'm no saint. But I just believe, and so does SO, that he ended up with an upgrade. In all honestly, we're just better matched. I don't know who BM is better matched with... a troll perhaps?
Would I be an upgrade as a Mother to her kids? No. I don't want to be. Those are her children. She is the BEST mom FOR them. Just like I am the best mom for my boys. I love his daughters, but, I'm an upgrade as a partner, not as a mother.
I feel guilty too calling
I feel guilty too calling myself the upgrade but it's true for the most part.
I laugh when you say your a 10 and she's a 2. Our BM thought that she was a 10, she even told DH that it was going to be really embarrassing for him when his ex-wife became a super model. She was trying out for those rip off modeling contests. Then he showed up one day with me, I am a size 2 but bigger where it counts ;). When DH told me what BM said about being a model I pulled out my short skirt, and tight top for drops off just to show her that DH wasn't coming back to her. She told the sKids that I had an ugly face because I don't like to where much make up and she cakes it on. Whatever BM, I still have more natural beauty.
And before I met DH, I was a young successful career woman. Putting in 5 years at a major entertainment venue before getting laid off/out sourced. So I understand the concept of working hard to make money, which DH does.
Now BM blames the sKids for 'ruining' her body but even DH admitted that if BM would get off her butt, workout and eat right she could at least be skinny again.
I try not to be the upgrade mom. DH and I are trying for a baby of our own and while I do a lot for the sKids I know that I will do even more for my kid. I don't give them a ton of hugs and rarely kiss as I don't want to be inappropriate. I take SS7 to therapy but BM takes them to MOST of the other appointments. We tried sports but BM doesn't take them on her weeks so we quit. I try to let BM be MOM and I just be a good friend, helping out when I can.
Hmmmmmmm. Good point. I see
Hmmmmmmm. Good point. I see myself as the upgrade as long as I don't throw heavy objects at DH, or hit him in the face (or anywhere else for that matter), speak in a normal tone of voice instead of screech at him all the time and prepare healthy meals instead of trying to fatten him up as though I was once the witch in Hansel and Gretal.
Oh, I nearly forgot. I also need to try and NOT F**K everything with a penis that crosses my path.
So yeah, it's pretty easy for me to be the upgrade.
Upgrade!! I have always
Upgrade!!
I have always worked, always paid my bills, always clean my home, took care of my child, take care of my vehicles and live a responsible life. BM does none of these things.
DH was amazed that I did any of these things, as his experience was with BM and his own mom was completely the opposite.
I am 11 yrs older than BM but don't look it, dress well, carry myself well and am polite and engaging with people. BM has that "rode hard, put up wet" look about her, sulks openly while at school functions and is rude.
DH introduces me to everyone he meets with pride. BM made a comment once that he never introduced her to anyone......Hmmmm...I wonder why?? }:)
DH says I'm a complete
DH says I'm a complete upgrade from her. Not only do I look better, but I'm older with more experience, I'm not a nag, I work full time, I help out around the house, I enjoy doing the same things he does, I love sex, I'm adventurous and happy, I don't ignore him, I let him be himself and I'm HONEST...
I love that you brought up
I love that you brought up sex. lol. I think that is a sign of a healthy relationship. DH was impressed at the frequency of what I desire him. I love him or course I want to be with him in every way.
It's a big issue in
It's a big issue in relationships, in my opinion. If you have frequent sex and enjoy it - that's definitely the sign of a healthy relationship.
DH said the last year he was with BM, he can count on one hand how many times they were together sexually and he said there was actually one time she claimed she was toooooo tired after 4 mos of not having sex that she fell asleep during!!! Now, this woman didn't work at the time they were married, he said the house was always messy and he did laundry - so what the fuck was she so tired from? NOTHING. She's just lazy and didn't like sex!
Wow sounds like the BM we
Wow sounds like the BM we have. For awhile she was a SAHM and got nothing done but still didn't want DH.
During their divorce they were still sharing a house(she was sleeping in the basement on a air bed) while she looked for a place and she tried to crawl in bed with him. He asked her what she was doing and if they were going to 'do it'? She said no so he told her to get out. lol
BM is remarried now and DH works with her husband (they used to be friends). One day at work they were talking about their wives' chest size. Her husband tried to tell the guys that BM was a 'B', DH just laughed. She is a 'A' if that. We're guessing that BM is the only woman he has been with so he is probably taking her word for it (or stuffing her bra) so he may also think getting it once a month is normal too.
No kidding right? I'd
No kidding right? I'd definitely miss the sex! I can honestly say I haven't had any better than my DH.
Same for us. SO is the best
Same for us. SO is the best I've ever had and I know that I'm the best he's ever had. He said In the past 1.5 years we've been together, he's had more sex than in his whole life before me. We work opposite schedules (Me weekdays 9-5, he nights and weekends) but we still manage 4-5 times a week) We literally can't keep our hands off of each other.
So. Please. Upgrade? Oh yes.
agreed. I would miss it
agreed. I would miss it too.
I told DH once that I loved being married and living with him. That way I know where he is and if I want it I can usually get it. My EX was never around when I needed him and I hated it, I might as well have been single.
Sister - that was my first ex
Sister - that was my first ex too. Very neglectful and didn't give a rat's ass about me or my feelings. Ex #2 was controlling, jealous and watched my every move. Monitored me like I was his prisoner.
With my DH, things are equal. If I want a girl's night or alone time, I take it. He does the same with a guy's night or a fishing trip with his brother. We don't keep tabs on each other, but we spend 95% of our time when not at work doing something together.
"DH & I try to build each
"DH & I try to build each other up and make our life better." - AS it should be!
Thank you, I think with us
Thank you, I think with us having the Every Other Week for a week at a time is almost forces me to get a little more involved in the day to day care like that of a baby sitter or day care provider.
Honestly though I try not to think about what BM does or doesn't do for them any more. it just upset me because over all they are good kids at least at our house because we have ground rules and DH enforces them. He told BM once that sKids aren't going to walk all over me (like they do her husband) and they don't.
I see myself as the better
I see myself as the better wife, mother and friend for DH and SS. Maybe not for SD17.
BM forgot DH's birthday several times, the fact that I make a big deal about it, is a serious upgrade. I have dinner on the table five days a week and make a point to try new things out, because I love to cook and he appreciates it. She can't cook at all. BM worked way too much, I manage a full time job working from home and that is convenient for him and the kids. So many upgrades with just that scenario. He never has to deal with anything with the house, since I work it out so he can focus on his job.
She just basically was a nothing mother and wife and anything after her would be a step up.
I am definitely an upgrade,
I am definitely an upgrade, and DH tells me so. He tells the people he works with that I am his trophy wife. But not in the traditional sense of the phrase. I work full time at a really good job, am raising our two BDs to be healthy, independent people, cook meals, clean the house, wash the laundry, plant flowers, just generally keep a nice house.
BM was working when she and DH met, but as soon as she remarried when SD was 4 she quit working and has been living off her husband ever since. Her youngest kid is 9, her husband had to move out of state to get a job to support the family, and BM still doesn't work. Her "job" consists of sitting on the couch watching soap operas.
BM gained 100 pounds while pregnant with SD20 and never lost it. I gained less than 20 pounds with both our BDs and took it right off as soon as they were born.
DH never wanted to have sex with BM. (He got her pregnant during a casual relationship and was just about to break it off when he found out SD was on the way.) They were married for less than two years and he used to pretend to be asleep to avoid having sex with her.
What BM has on me: She is
What BM has on me:
She is prettier (used to be anyway)
She is younger (really bothers her that I am OLDER)
She can trick people
She has a knack of being able to have a great lifestyle without having to work
What I have on BM:
I am smarter
I am thinner (or was, she had surgery)
I am a better mother
I am kind
I am generous
I have a strong work ethic and am the breadwinner of our family
I AM SANE
You tell me if I was an upgrade or not. }:)
I would say your an upgrade
I would say your an upgrade
My DH has his issues, for
My DH has his issues, for sure but he is ALSO a HUGE upgrade from my son's "dad."
Bf says I'm an upgrade .
Bf says I'm an upgrade :). From what I've been told from others bm is very beautiful, she is younger than I am, but she enjoys tearing people down and isn't very kind.
I'd say yes on both counts
I'd say yes on both counts (DW vs my ex / Me vs Donkeykong).
My ex-wife was a lemon. A non-functioning, bitter, "locked-at-the-knees" lemon. An egg beater and jar of vaseline would be an upgrade next to her. So marrying my DW was light-years in improvement.
As for me...I don't like comparing myself to Donkeykong because I don't consider him a man. He's just a mean spiteful animal that needs to be approached with caution.
This is a sore spot for DH
This is a sore spot for DH and I. I am totally an upgrade and it pisses him off sometimes if I mention it. He says I make him feel like his first two wives were nothing but a POS and he was stupid for marrying them. Well if the shoe fits???
He's a nice older man who believes that a gentleman doesn't talk crap about the ex.
When DW gets asked what did
When DW gets asked what did she ever see in Donkeykong she answers "I dunno. I plead insanity"
when people ask me what I saw in my ex I answer "Before I married her, she was beautiful, kind, smart and awesome in bed. After I married her, she became a horror monster straight out of an H.P Lovecraft novel. So bad she was that it was undescribeable."
i'm not conceited in any way
i'm not conceited in any way and i don't go around thinking i'm better than anybody. that said, yeah, fdh upgraded when he got me. there are 12 years between him and bm and him and me, so it's not like he left her for me, but the differences are huge. i will work. she won't. she even made him get up in the middle of the night to take of sd when she was a baby because she was tired, but he is the one who had to get for work in the morning!
i will take care of my kids, she won't. she pushed them off on anyone who would take them. (she has a son by someone else, as well as sd). she thought about giving them to their dads because she "just couldn't handle it anymore". she left sd on our doorstep to move to another state with her son's dad that she had seen nothing of in 14 years. she just doesn't care.
she thinks if fdh has anything for himself, he isn't paying enough support and tries to drag him to court. i would not care what he bought as long as he was living up to his responsibility to our son.
she cheated on him all the time. i do not.
she likes to try to start shit with me since sd had her baby. nothing too outrageous, but she makes her loud comments when she and sd are in the store together. i guess she's pissed off that i'm not playing gramma, too. i really don't give a rat's ass about her or anyone fdh were to be with after me, and i would not be interested in drama with them.
i guess in short, she is lazy and doesn't want to be a mother, and likes drama. i work my ass off and always have, love my kids, and have no desire for drama. she is a selfish child and i am an adult with my priorities straight.
Oh most definitely an
Oh most definitely an upgrade. In fact dh told her not long after we got together that it was like trading in a pinto for a cadillac!
Bm is unattractive, uneducated, an addict. I do believe she is in recovery now so props to her-but there is no recovery for her looks and personality.
Again with the ego thing,I am
Again with the ego thing,I am an upgrade...but then again so is SO. I read a lot of comments stating, "So thats how its supposed to be". I get it now.
Unfortunately, SO has been married twice and had a few long term relationships(in between and after marriages), in the last 20 years. SO is 20 years older than I.
His first wife wouldnt have sex with him, unless there were people sleeping in the room next door. Never had sex on their wedding night. And banged all his friends, she was chubby, a chubby chaser.
The Second wife aka BM suffers from an imaginary bi polarism(exscuse for her poor behaviour) again he didnt get lucky on his wedding night. She would apparently cry every day. Never worked and spent all his money when he was making about $15-20,000/month. She was a model, not in high fashion. She has the height,but her face is mediocre.
The third women after, we call her snicky, cheated on him and sold his motorbike without his knowledge so she could get money.Severley depressed. Apparently they had some weird psychic connection, a little intimidating (even though he hasnt seen her in over 10 years,still makes you wonder if she was the one that got away)just my own insecurities.
4th one, telephone booth, was like a door knob everyone had a turn. She was again mediocre looking and a terrible mother.
So I am lucky number 5! I have never, witheld sex lol, i havent banged any of his friends. I dont diagnose myself as having bi polarism, when i get moody. I havent sold any of his things Ever! Oh and I am a good mother to my daughter and I actually work. I forgot to mention, none of them ever worked, while he was with them. Unless they were planning on leaving.
So yep, I think I can say Im an upgrade. SO is,anyone that doesnt cheat to me is an upgrade in my experience LOL!