FDH No Longer BM's Personal Technical Specialist
FDH proudly told me of his progress last night.
Apparently, when he was dropping off the kids at BM's after dinner last night, she was a little surprised to see him leaving so quickly. The following conversation took place:
BM- You're leaving now?
FDH - Yup
BM- Oh ok. Hey, before you go, can you hook up my printer?
FDH- No
BM- WHAT? Really??
FDH- No, I need to leave
BM- But... how am I going to get it hooked up? (Seriously lady? It's a printer not a rocket project)
FDH- (looking around the room) Um, I dunno. Maybe the computer genius SD11 can do it
SD11- Sure, I can do it!!
FDH- Bye.
That is all I wanted to share. This makes me happy. Baby steps!!
- Anne Boleyn's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Progress is progress.
Progress is progress.
What really frustrates me is
What really frustrates me is when people assume that they can't do something when you KNOW they haven't even TRIED!
There are only certain plugs that only fit in certain ways and your computer does most of it automatically now a days.
If all else fails, "GOOGLE IT"
I KNOW!!! I hooked up my
I KNOW!!! I hooked up my printer in 5 minutes. She's just used to not having to anything for herself. This will be interesting when she starts to see a trend here. He just told her he's not going to disassemble furniture for her move. Now this. Power grab is going to start big time when she realizes it's not situational.
Wait come back....I'm not
Wait come back....I'm not done with you! Haha I can hear her inner voice now.. }:)
Great start for your FDH and keep it up!!!!
She was really expecting him
She was really expecting him to stay until 10PM and put YSD to bed, I'm sure. But I warned him yesterday morning that if he didn't take the kids to dinner, drop them off and come STRAIGHT home he would be moving in with her. So I am sure she was shocked he was leaving to begin with and was coming up with reasons for him to stay and do her stuff.
Good news!
Good news!
I can't wait to hear the next
I can't wait to hear the next one.
I said something similar
I said something similar above. When she sees a pattern she's going to start freaking out. The "oh poor me-- I need help because of the kids" antics will amplify. I need to keep that in mind myself and not get mad as long as he keeps it up.
Why is he even at her house?
Why is he even at her house? Can't he just drop the kids off and let them walk in without him...? That is how we always did it. Does she walk them to your house?
^^^THIS! I think he should
^^^THIS! I think he should stop in the driveway, let skids out and drive away as soon as they get in the front door. Eliminates any contact with BM. If she comes out to his vehicle, he can keep his window up!
While I totally agree and
While I totally agree and this has always bugged me, I don't think he's going to change that immediately. This is a battle for a later time. Or maybe he will get sick of her asking him to do stuff and will learn to avoid her.
But keep in mind, when I first met him, he would sleep on her couch when he visited the kids-- seriously. I ended that fast. Just a few weeks ago I finally got him to stop going over there for Tuesday evening visits. (Counselor had to get involved in making that happen) Things are slowly changing.
And no, she does not walk the kids to our door because she never drives them here! Seriously, we have to do all the driving (1 hour round trip). On the very few occasions that she has, she comes in! Just crazy. But again, one thing at a time. Him not being her personal slave is a start.
Progress is progress, right?
Progress is progress, right? Baby steps as someone else also mentioned.
I just don't understand why he's got to walk these kids to BM's door to drop them off. DH never did that dropping SD14 off...would sit in his car on the street, allow her to get out, kiss her goodbye, watch her get in the front door and then leave.
What does he think is wrong with that?
Well, for one, when they come
Well, for one, when they come over, they bring one large bag for the three girls plus laptops and whatnot. So they have a ton of stuff and the big bag is too heavy for them to carry. That's why I will be buying them individual bags soon! (It also causes problems when they're here because all clothes end up in one room).
But bigger than that, BM seriously just has him trained so well. And he's simply far too comfortable in her home. It's maddening.
It gets better. When he goes to pick them up, they are rarely packed. BM refuses to do it so the kids sometimes don't and aren't ready. It takes him 30 minutes minimum.
Oh and when he drops them off before school, he goes in her kitchen and makes the older ones a pot of coffee.
This list could go on.
baby steps....
OMG PLEASE STOP! You're
OMG PLEASE STOP! You're KILLING me here.
I know! Imagine being me! And
I know! Imagine being me! And this is better now than it was!! Of course, I was made out to the big, bad, jealous lady who was keeping him from his kids for having issues with stuff like this.
I know. It's crazy! I agree.
I know. It's crazy!
I agree. I flat out told him yesterday that I won't live this way. He's trying. I swear, this is like training a dog not to steal food off the counter.
Yep, just have to keep at it!
Yep, just have to keep at it! I admire your patience, woman. I'd have shown my claws to him a LONG time ago!
Ugh, OH does that - the round
Ugh, OH does that - the round trip drop offs, never BM - always him doing the running.
He also used to sleep on her couch - she works at a bar, so he would be with them while she worked, then as he started work at 4:30am he would just sleepover on the couch. NOT on my watch honey LOL
Since the more regular schedule etc he now never enters her house, he drops them at the end of the drive way and waits til they are inside, never sees her, no conversation - it's great!!
Our BM tried to force DH to
Our BM tried to force DH to come to the door to get the skids. He did for a little bit then I expressed a bit of frustration with it (they were 6 and 7 but could be seen from the car AND from the house the entire way.
Also DH found out that BM was having them take the garbage out by themselves, which was further away than our car and they were out of sight as well. He told BM that they would be perfectly fine walking out on their own.
OMG PLEASE STOP! You're
OMG PLEASE STOP! You're KILLING me here.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
OMG ME TOO!!!!
I understand baby steps but this is weird.
It IS weird. I've been
It IS weird.
I've been trying to get him to understand this. Finally he's starting to make changes but I think he's doing that because I am demanding it, not because he understands. They behaved so dysfunctionally/without boundaries for YEARS before I came a long. So he really has a hard time understanding that what they do is not normal and why I have an issue with it. He's trying to understand but I think he just doesn't get it. She's convinced him pretty hard that he needs to parent "her way" which entails all this crazy crap.
So now I am undoing all that brainwashing and it is exhausting.
When I first met DH and SD14
When I first met DH and SD14 a couple years ago, he was under BM's spell too. He thought if he didn't do everything she (and SD) demanded, she'd take SD and run off and he'd never see her again.
I got him to the point of NOT paying her car insurance anymore (he promised her he'd pay it to help her out for the first year of their split). He had already been paying it for 13 months by the time we started dating.
I got him to understand that HE is the father, HE has the court order for a reason and nothing BM or SD said or did would change that.
It took a good few months for him to get the fact that HE was in control of HIS life, not them. The final straw came when SD was just so upset with any level of affection her dad showed me and called a "family" meeting with her, BM and him. He came back to me the next day and said that his ex and his daughter were uncomfortable with him holding my hand or kissing him in front of SD and so we should cool it around her. I flipped shit and told him that I was glad he was allowing his EX WIFE and CHILD to dictate HIS life and relationship, but I wasn't standing for it. I walked out.
That was the only time I ever had to put my foot down with him. He got it.
wow...even my dh wasn't that
wow...even my dh wasn't that bad. baby steps hell...no way i could tolerate one more moment of them being in the same room together. i think he needs to call/text her before he leaves to pick them up next time and tell her to have the kids ready because he's not coming in to wait. she's going to start asking questions and he's going to have to be honest with her. there's just no way that he can dodge and duck this...he's going to have to set her straight verbally. he needs to say something to the effect that he's a married man now and the way he's been behaving with her is inappropriate and not good for his marriage. needs to tell her that things are going to change and their relationship is going to be much more business like and there's no need for them to discuss anything not directly related to the kids and that he will not be doing favors for her anymore, he's not a part of her support system. and then he needs to strengthen this convo with his actions. she's going to be crazy mad, accuse him of putting you first above the kids, etc...this is when he quits answering her calls and lets her go to voicemail and only return IMPORTANT calls. the minute she starts yelling, cussing, etc ..., he hangs up. baby-steps isn't going to get the message across thoroughly enough. he's going to have to TELL HER.
You know I agree with you
You know I agree with you wholeheartedly. But the problem is that he's been so brainwashed that he thinks he's being mean and truly does not understand why this is so inappropriate. So, until he truly gets it, he's not going to speak up and/or make massive changes. Hopefully a few more counseling sessions and being rewarded, by me, for doing the right thing will get him headed on that track. I'm undoing many, many years of her training/his guilt, etc....
i don't think most men get it
i don't think most men get it (although they can certainly understand how they would feel if the shoe were on the other foot), but i think most men do not want to speak up because there are still remnants of the emotional connections there along with the fear that she won't "like" him anymore that should have been worked through and put to rest long ago. the proof of the attachment is that he still deals with her as if they were still together. men who have moved on do not deal with them in the same way. they forge a new relationship. if the fighting still continues, that connection is still there. further proof of this will be in how crazy she reacts when he finally breaks that connection. it's like he's finally breaking up with her! i think you've been beyond patient with this. my own dh didn't want to do it, either - kept telling me "baby-steps", but i told him i was finished dealing with this crap, and he either handles it and gets her out of our lives or i'm done. i wasn't spending ANY more time with his pussyfooting around. i don't think he truly understood at the time, either, but knew he was going to have to come clean with her or lose me. just because he remarried does not mean that connection has been severed.
Couldn't agree more! Case in
Couldn't agree more!
Case in point: She was the one who wanted a divorce. So they finally seperated but she never filed. So I think it was 6-8 months or more later that he went and filed. She flipped out on him and asked him why he was rushing it. He just told me that story recently and I couldn't believe it. But it makes sense as she really wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I am bummed to find out she's not moving in with her boyfriend now. Having a man on the other end would've made a big difference as he wouldn't have tolerated this crap in his house (FDH coming over, etc...)
^^^Yep...I agree completely.
^^^Yep...I agree completely. He'll have to then decide that BM is capable of doing those things "for the kids" that she's asking HIM to do and politely decline.
So true. BM also thinks he
So true.
BM also thinks he should drive over there (30 minutes one way) for stuff on our free time sometimes. One time something came in the mail for SD11 here and she really wanted him to deliver it to her (it was our skid-free weekend). I was luckily sitting there when the call came in. I told DFH "This is her weekend with the kids. If she needs soemthing from here, she can drive here and get it". So he refused to drive, BM yelled at him etc...
Next thing you know, the phone is ringing. It's SD14 calling from the car on their way. "Hi Daddddyyyyy. We are on the road. Can you meet us halfway?"
I flipped. "She has no business having SD14 call and manipulate you. Tell SD to put her mother on the phone with you"
Obviously, BM was PISSED. But they drove here.
Instead of them having to
Instead of them having to pack, go to a thrift store or now that its yard sale season and start buying clothes for your house. If they 'forget' or Daddy hasn't packed for them, they are welcome to wear what you have picked up. If they are old enough, they will get it after having to wear clothes you picked out a few times.
I know. I am always on the
I know. I am always on the lookout for her. I feel like I am walking through a mine field --constantly on edge. Always anticipating the next move....
Last night instead of having the kids here overnight she suggested that he just take them to dinner and back home to her. The reason was sketchy. I told FDH "Just you wait, she will now consider this a favor somehow and we will magically 'owe' her a night off from the kids".
this is another thing...the
this is another thing...the court order needs to be followed to a T. no more favors and no more doing things that she may construe as a favor. i don't know how you tolerate this, really. the problem with baby-steps is that connection never truly gets severed. it's like cutting back on cigarettes. no smoker sustains that for long.
The problem with the CO is
The problem with the CO is that he has to travel for work a lot which sometimes includes weekends. So he's often having to ask her to switch week nights or swap weekends. So she considers that she's always doing him favors. I've explained the difference to him.
BUT I agree with you cases like the example from last night. The only reason I let that happen is because it allowed him to break down their beds here for the move early and I could get the sheets done, etc... Going forward, no way unless he's on the road.
That is awesome on your DH's
That is awesome on your DH's part!
I have another good story to share about Swamp Hole and her "needing" DH's help.
A few years ago, I saw Swamp Hole at a restaurant with the SS's. My BD (adult) and I sat just a few booths across the way from them. The skids were smiling at me, waving etc. I said hi from a far. We were so close, I could see and hear BM telling the skids to not talk or look at me. She was so determined to not have them give me any attention, that she had one of them sit with her, with her back to me.
Later that day DH and I go to pick up the skids. I got out of the car and asked her why she puts the skids through such stress and why they are not allowed to speak to me in her presence? She denied the whole situation and said "shew, shew, go back to your own little world" like a first grader. An argument broke out between us.
Swamp Hole then proceeds to tell DH, she needs him to put up a volley ball net in her backyard for the skids. DH starts to go towards the back yard and I begin to follow him. Swamp Hole says your not allowed on my property, get back in the car!
In front of her and DH I said, I'm not getting in the car, I don't trust her. Your either coming with me or I'm going with you, which is it DH? DH turns towards me and we go to the car. Swamp Hole starts yelling "Go ahead, leave, I don't need your help anyway!"
My response to her was....GOD KNOWS YOU HAVE ENOUGH MEN COMING AND GOING IN THIS PLACE, SURELY ONE OF THEM COULD HELP YOU, INCLUDING YOUR HUSBAND! }:)
It just flowed like lava and it felt soooo good :O
Wait. She has a husband and
Wait. She has a husband and she was asking your man to do something at her house that he could do? That's extra crazy.
I don't know how some of you
I don't know how some of you put up with this crap. If my DH did anything for BM he'd be history.
When we were first together he stopped by to see her (had just moved back to our town). I had a hissy fit and told him that would NEVER happen again or he could go eff himself. And I meant it.
I had a life and will always have a life with or without DH. I do not need any man enough to put up with having to share with another woman.
Best advice I ever got from a friend. When some guy is doing something that makes you unhappy - the only word that fits is a great big NEXT. As in this man is toast let's go on to the next one.