looking for advice
hello. im new here.im the remarried dad. my new wife and my 13 year old have never realy gotten along. in the begining it was what i believe was jealousy from both of them.. my daughter wanting to spend time with me and what i believe was jealousy from my wife when she did. sometimes when she would be sitting next to me she would ask me to move her so she could..yes there was space right next to me on other side of couch but it was an issue non the less.my wife is hispanic..raised diffrently and my children come from a regular american family even though im hispanic also. my wife feels like my daughter has never respected her and in her defense my daughter has confided in me that she dosent like her very much. the 2 times it has come out were in blow up between the both of them. my wife feels like my daughter does things out of spite and after 5 years is now predisposed with her. my daughter does complain abouth her vocally at times complaining from everything from her perfume to the food she cooks, so in that respect i do understand. both are very strong willed and i feel it is probably my fault it progressed this far.i just want to know if any body else has gone thru this and even though i know its never too late to fix something i do want my family. i love my children and have never missed a weekend with them and do love my wife and she has been more than tolerant at times. i feel that when things happened i may not have diciplined as well as i should have because i only see them 2 times a month. i dont want to disrespect my wife but want to let my daughter know things and attitudes she has to change but from her responses she is all but saying she is who she is and wont change much. latest example is we finally have a room for both my daughters and we were going to clean it up fpr them both and asked them for help. she came straight out and said im not going to help you do it. i told her to not ask for things and expect them to just be handed to her just because she asks, that there are things she will have to do to get what you want. that everyone has a responsability and this is not diffrent. with my wifes sons they get along great. nothing out of the normal . i knw im rambling but any help or suggestions would be appreciated..
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to add..my wife is strict but
to add..my wife is strict but dosent and has never struck or done anything physical to them. i just feel shes just not as affectionate with my daughters as she is with her son.. her son and i do get along great . she just wants things done her way as she has told them in the past..helping with dishes,, pickinbg up after themselves.. not leaving clothes lying around .. the usual..
First, OP, I cannot tell you
First, OP, I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to see a biodad on here asking for help and advice. That is commendable. Wish my SO would ask for advice.
Although dtzy's advice may seem harsh, I agree with it. My friend is in what I'd call a successful stepfamily, and she says it's because her husband has put the fear of God into his kids and INSISTED, not suggested, that his kids respect his wife, including showing appreciation for her cooking, expressing gratitude, etc. My friend has had her share of problems, but as a SM she is reasonably content in her stepfamily life.
I love my SO, and he has told is son he must respect me, but I don't think he's put the fear of God into his son yet. And I know that must be really hard for my SO to do.
Also, I think it's okay for your daughter to express her feelings, even about your wife, however, you'll need to be able to tell the difference between an unhappy hormonal 13 year old girl's gripes and genuine feelings of concern.
I have also felt like I was under a microscope. SO had criticized me to no end on my treatment of SS. He called me cold, uncaring and calculating. I ignore his son and reject his son, which is a rejection of him. First, I've only lived with his teenage son for 6 months. SS16 is very immature, non-communicative, and very clingy towards his dad. SS has no friends, spends the entire weekend at home, never leaves the house, is just not very personable, and I'm supposed to fawn over him and get all warm and fuzzy about my SS? SS completely ignores me, refuses to eat most of my cooking, and the cooking he likes he scarfs down without even a thank you and without even acknowledging that I cooked it. But he doesn't hesitate to sing his dad's praises when dad cooks. And my SS isn't really all that bad compared to most skids on this site! Oh, and by the way, SS told his dad that SS doesn't like me. Surprised?
As terrible as I apparently am, SO does not want me to leave, and just the other day, I asked him why does he stay with me, and he says it's because I'm a good person. And before I entered step life, I really was a good, kind-hearted person! Lol! What happened?
So just try to remember there are two sides to every story. And I don't mean to imply that stepmoms are perfect and can do no wrong. I have plenty of things I need to work on. I've been communicating more with SS, even though he grunts one word answers to me, and I've been getting more involved in SS' school activities, because it's what my SO wants.
Two books I highly recommend. First is Blended Family Advice by Shirley Cress Dudley, MA. I think this is pretty cheap as a kindle book on Amazon. Hopefully you'll find it interesting. And if you want to get a stepmom's perspective, you can read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. Just be warned, Stepmonster is a very stepmother-centric book, written by a stepmom for stepmoms. But I still think it's good to see a different perspective. My SO got kind of mad at the Stepmonster book. lol.
Anyway, I would also recommend perusing some of the posts on here, take with a grain of salt, because they're written by SMs when these SMs are very very frustrated. They don't necessarily reflect how they actually treat their skids. Just venting. I think there's also a section on the forum for stepdads and biodads, a male perspective.
Again, really glad you came to this site. That in itself is encouraging to me.