Who gets the bigger room sd10 or bs12?
Frustrated and need to vent hopefully will get some advice.
My SO bought a house 5 years ago. When we moved in my bs had the bigger room. 2 years ago my bd19 moved in for the summer and I had the girls take the bigger room. When bd19 went back to school, I (ha ha) assumed the rooms would go back to the way they were. NOT.
My bs now 12 lives with us full time. The older he gets the smaller his room is. More and more stuff. I find myself going thru his things and donating them to make room for new things. There is barely room to walk in his room and there is only a small closet.
My sd10 is here Friday eve to Sunday eve and still has the bigger room, not to mention she has her own room at her bm's and another room at her grandma's as she is there a lot during the week.
I have mentioned switching the kids rooms back several times only to get a "no". No explanation, no discussion, just no.
My bs has asked me why sd who is only here on weekends has the bigger room. I don't know what to tell him. I feel bad. I feel frustrated. Some days I just want to switch the rooms myself but know that that will be a huge mistake. This is SO's home.
Am I wrong?
How can I approach this situation and get better results? At least a discussion?
Thanks for listening.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
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Comments
You are NOT wrong. Why these
You are NOT wrong. Why these fathers feel the need to make their childrens' rooms a shrine when they're not even there to enjoy it, is beyond me. My x-husband tried this bs. I didn't go for it at all. Who cares if he gets made. It will pass. change the rooms. Your son should not have to feel like he is sloppy seconds.
Kid that is there most gets
Kid that is there most gets the biggest room. Simple.
You're not wrong at all. If
You're not wrong at all.
If he's there more, he needs more room.
All of his things are at your home, your SD will only bring some things.
However, it may be hard to switch now because SD is used to what she has and it will be hard getting her used to the idea.
She'll feel like second best, because at 10 years old, she can hardly understand that she doesn't NEED the bigger room while your son does.
I suppose that's the reason why your husband doesn't accept the idea of switching.
However, switching their rooms seems logical to me. It would be hard and frustrating, but if it needs to be done, you should try to talk to your husband about it. It's not fair that he has to be in a small room while there's a big one not being used.
But don't change it on your own, without your husband. It's his home too, it's his daughter's room. It wouldn't be ok to switch it up alone.
If your son is there full
If your son is there full time HE should get the bigger room! Your SD would not need that much space if only there a few days a week (how much clothes would she need?!)
that is a great idea! Let
that is a great idea! Let him pick out paint and other fun stuff and redo the room to suit his current taste. A few gallons of paint, some new curtains etc might go a long way with making you feel like he belongs there and is special too. Let DH do whatever he wants with / for SD and just focus on your BS
SO brought the house so he
SO brought the house so he has final say.
He is there full time and is
He is there full time and is older. He gets the bigger room.
ha ha Foxie, that was what I
ha ha Foxie, that was what I was thinking too! Can you give the kid the master bedroom? See how DH likes that idea
I agree! We gave my son the
I agree! We gave my son the master bedroom because he has so much stuff and we had the rest of the house to spread out OUR stuff!
Oldest gets the biggest. Just
Oldest gets the biggest. Just cuz dad bought the house doesn't mean it does not belong to u too you are married right? Your a family goo in age order period
They are not married and It's
They are not married and It's his house.
If I spend my money on something, my kid will always get the biggest and best. My SKs will get what's left.
If DF and I buy something together, then we look at what is fair.
This kind of crap drives me
This kind of crap drives me nuts.
If I were you, I'd probably tell my SO (I take it he's not DH yet) no problem! I found a few places for BS and I to live that have enough room for both of us.
You live there, you work (I'm assuming) and you help pay bills (assuming again). The "it's my house cause I bought it" mentality doesn't fly when the occupants are in a relationship.
Now if you were roommates, I'd tell you tough. It's his house. But you referred to his kid as your SD and there is an obvious relationship there.
Agree with shaman. Disagree
Agree with shaman. Disagree with those who say its SO's house so it's his rules and he has the final say. You are not a guest and you are not SO's child. SO's name may be on the title but this is your home too as long as you are living there as SO's domestic partner.
You just can't up and sell the home, things like that. You don't have that level of ownership. But you do have rights.
I'm in the same boat. But the harsh reality is, I've learned, is that moving into somone else's house really doesn't work well. I would love to get a new house together with my SO, so that I will finally be treated as an equal. But it's just not in the cards right now. And I DO NOT want to get married, right now, and because of that I don't have the status of a wife.
So for the time being I'm coping with feeling like an outsider in my own home until I decide it's not worth it and get a place of my own.
I think your BS should get the bigger room. But how you go about doing that without starting WWIII is the question.
But I think you are perfectly within your rights to explain to your SO that you are now the lady of the house and he cannot just veto your proposals as if he's the dictator in your home. Either he start treating you as an equal and be open to discussing things, or you will leave and find your own place where you will be treated as an adult member of the household.--is what I would recommend.
I agree with everyone who
I agree with everyone who says that the kid who is there the most deserves the bigger room. What's the point of him being cramped while there's another bigger room sitting empty most of the week? Doesn't matter if your dh built the house or whatever, if you're a couple and both contribute to running the household (and not just financially but chores etc as well), then I would say that gives you an equal say in decisions. Maybe he just doesn't want to upset princess, but she has two rooms already at bm's and grandma's while your son just has one small room at home. Doesn't sound fair to me, and I would be pushing dh to swap their rooms so your son has more space as he grows into a teen, as teenagers love to hibernate in their rooms with their gadgets and music, so he may as well be comfortable.
I think its a combo of all
I think its a combo of all the above. Yes, the full time and older kid should get the bigger room. BUT, it's SO's home so he gets the final say. This is why I think when two people move in together they should start fresh in a new place that is equally theirs so one isnt more in control than the other. But, since that isnt always doable, it is a nice gesture to show some attention to your BS and re-decorate the room he does have. Maybe make some storage space for him in another area too if needed. If you go behind your DH's back and move it yourself it may lead to more issues and a bigger problem. Its worth a try to have a heart to heart with him and let him know some of the logistical (not emotional) reasons why your son deserves the bigger room.
Wow! Thank you all for the
Wow! Thank you all for the comments. This is so hard. SO and I have been together for 7 years. Yes, he bought the house for us. I was working until 2 months ago. for the first 5 years of our relationship, I gave him my entire paycheck. 2 years ago, that changed (when the tension of his house his kid blah blah blah) Now I take care of all the house responsibilities, groceries, cooking, cleaning, my personal bills. So I say it's pretty even.
I will try talking to him. I have always tried to be fair about both children. Tried my hardest to not play favs on the weekends. SO works so much that I spend more time with sd than he does. I have tried to explain to sd about the rooms and she gets all pouty. She brags to relatives that she has the big room in the back of the house. BS feels like someone said, sloppy seconds.
BS doesn't have a lot of items in his room. He is not a hoarder as someone stated. I don't allow for that type of behavior/environment. He has a twin bed, dresser, book self, lamp, tv and a storage container for all his games, legos, etc... Nothing else will fit in this room.
SD has the same exact furniture except a wall to wall closet and you could basically cut it in half and make it two rooms.
When my BD was here and the girls were sharing a room, there was still plenty of room available.
I don't know all. Step parenting is tough.
Wish me luck. Your comments were great and I thank you.
This is tough bc I can see
This is tough bc I can see both sides of the argument.
I initially think, well it's his house that he bought before you BUT...
Is your SO your DH or BF?
If he is your BF, then I can understand the argument in his favor as he purchased the home before you got together (I assume anyway)
If he is your DH, then what's his is equally yours now I believe and that argument that he bought the home and therefore it is his is gone.
With that argument gone, I completely agree with whichever child is at the home THE MOST should get the bigger room.
Now, how much bigger of a room are we talking? If it's only a difference of a foot, I wouldnt let the argument get in the way of too much. However, if it is a signifigant different in size or available closet space, then yes I would be having a fit.
If your son is bothered by it, and your SO won't budge, maybe get your son some stuff for his room that your SD doesn't have (better or bigger tv than she may have if they have tvs in their rooms, cooler stuff to make it more personalized for him etc...) And if SD or your SO complains or raises issue with it, you can say it's compensation for your son having to endure the smaller room.
He is my boyfriend. We have
He is my boyfriend. We have been in a serious relationship for 7 years. The first 2 he lived with me and then he bought the house. We looked at houses together, agreed on this one together. Yes, it was his money that was put down and his credit used for the mortgage. However, as I stated before, I was giving him $1400 month for bills and what not.
The room is more than twice the size of bs's current room. He doesn't understand why she has the bigger one still.
I am planning on talking to him one more time about this and if it's a no go, then I will spruce up my son's room and see what we can do with it. Thanks for the input.
Ahhhh, ok. Then with this
Ahhhh, ok. Then with this situation I don't think the fact that the house is in his name means squat. Sorry, I didn't know that before and was just trying to look at both sides of thought.
And if the room is twice the size, then I don't blame your BS for not understanding why SD has the bigger room...hell, I don't understand why she gets the bigger room.
It seems like such a no brainer that if someone were to look at your situation objectively, they would find that the child who is there more should get the bigger room.