Would the original author stand up and be recognized
A year ago, someone posted this. I thought it summarized quite nicely how most of us feel.
We're not allowed to discipline the kid AND we're not allowed to agree to not discipline? We're not allowed to teach the kid AND we're not allowed to agree to not teach the kid? We're allowed to purchase a new home, carpet it AND not allowed to tell a skid to pick her bloody tampons up off the floor?
We're not allowed to tell the kid to stop smoking AND we get blamed that they smoke? We're not allowed to take a kid to planned parenthood for birth control AND we get blamed for the same kid getting knocked up?
We're not allowed to monitor grades or help with homework AND we're supposed to go to parent teacher conferences? We're not allowed to demand the responsibility of a kid acquiring their own car @ 16, AND we're supposed to allow kids to show they're responsible enough to not wreck ours?
This is precisely WHY people "disengage." Stepdads and Stepmoms can't keep up with the whiplash of the expectations versus the expectations.
Most of us WANT to bond with the stepkids, but the birthmoms & dads won't allow us to. We are given no authority, told to sit on the sidelines and then punished for our lack of authority and seats on the sidelines.
This is why we come here and this is why we vent. We are all in our own versions of a lose-lose situation. We are married to, and in relationships with, adults who would rather be best friends with 10 year olds than responsible mentors who teach children how to grow up into responsible, productive members of society.
We are not on here complaining about the straight A students who purchase their own cars at 16 and have jobs to acquire gas money and car insurance. We are not on here moaning about the kids who have submitted applications to college and are graduating at the top of the class.
We are on here voicing our shock at the kids who are nasty, back talking, ungrateful, jobless, sometimes homeless, drug using, alcohol consuming, school failing, unclean, unprotected sex engaging, FB bullying, relationship cheating, best friend backstabbing, bred to be the next generation of tax mooching welfare recipients.
I agree with Sybermoms that these stepkids are in rough situations and may need a lot of love and special attention. We Step Parents, however, are largely denied the right to appropriately give it. Furthermore, in dealing with some of these situations, we'd need doctorates in the study of the human psyche.
If you're not helping us in our quest for solutions, then you are part of the problem.
- Drac0's blog
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Comments
The burden of dealing with a
The burden of dealing with a looming custody battle is one I know all too well. Apart from the financial burden, it is also an emotional burden. My DW was actually a non-smoker when I met her. When the court date loomed, she started smoking again.
There was one summer, a bailiff was coming to the house every week.
I got dragged into the court mess. How could I not? Even though the child is NOT my legal responsibilty, I am still a player and I was put on the stand and given the 5th degree - and for what? It made not a woot of difference in the judge's final decision. The judge basically lambasted DW and her ex; calling them "children" and if they were rational and caring adults then they should be able to set aside their differences for the sake of the child.
That's like saying; "If you are a good dancer and I am a good dancer, then we should dance well together." In theory it sounds nice but in practice it is not true.
And then, even years after the CO was rendered, DW and her ex still fight over the wording of the CO. Lawyers still get called and more money flies out the window; money that could have been put to greater use, (like SS's college fund).
Like you, I hold SS
Like you, I hold SS accountable for his actions. But this is the crux for a lot of the problems in my household. I love DW but I disagree with her belief that that SS needs to be coddled because his father is an ass. If you place a child in the role of the "victim" he will whole-heartedly play the victim and milk it for all its worth. That is what is happening RIGHT NOW and DW is blind to it.
Okay, so SS's father is an ass. I cannot change that. Unfortunately I cannot and WILL NOT change the rules in my house just to cater to some perceived notion that my step-son needs an over abundance of sympathy because he is forced to live in two homes. DW and I understand one another. I see where she is coming from and she understands my POV as well. We've compromised more often than not - and those compromises did not come without a lot of shouting, crying, stress and sleepless nights.
DW and I are not going to be around forever. I do not want to leave this world knowing that the children under my care are burdens on society.
Thank you for posting this
Thank you for posting this Draco. Unfortunately it's all too true for most of us.
WOW! Excellent, and
WOW! Excellent, and ironically, exactly how I'm feeling this morning. Great timing!
"Most of us WANT to bond with
"Most of us WANT to bond with the stepkids, but the birthmoms & dads won't allow us to. We are given no authority, told to sit on the sidelines and then punished for our lack of authority and seats on the sidelines."
Yep, this is my situation exactly!
Exactly why I have
Exactly why I have disengaged, we can't win for trying, so why try. I have stepped out of so much with my SS14 that now it is hard to step back in. DH even had to take SS for his physical, leaving his work three hours early to do it. Won't even ask me and I could have done it. Part of me wants to help now that we have him full time, but it is a slippery slope with DH and SS.